FieldReport

Hi all,

I wanted to ask about the support that you receive from your family members, or in my case, lack thereof.

Saturday I had started drinking a little early in the day. About 10 AM I had a moment when guild and depression sort of took over me, so I reached out to one of my kids for support. While we chatted on the phone for a bit, I asked if she could come over, spend a little time with me, for support. I knew if I reached out to my wife, she would just start yelling at me for starting to drink to early in the day.

My daughter eventully did come over, but she brought the rest of her family, and two of my other kids! Not one word was mentioned to me about how I was doing, no word about my drinking, and certainly no support.

I guess it could have been worse, they could have all ganged up on me about my drinking, but I really don't call what happened family support.

If anything, it made it worse as I drank on Sunday as well, to the point where I didn't go in yesterday to work.

I know I need to stop drinking, and I know it's not my family's problem that I drink. But all I'm asking for is some help from family members.

What kind of support do you guys get from family?

I know everyone's family is different and handles these matters differently, just looking for suggestions.

How do you ask family for help when you really need it?

Thanks, as always, for reading.

doggonecarl

What kind of "help" are you expecting?

You said you asked your daughter to come over for support. Did you define what you meant by "support". You asked her to come over, she did. Maybe as far as she knows, she did as you asked.

I only have my wife. I didn't ask for support, but she did stop drinking around me for the first couple of years. And that was helpful.

FreeOwl

My view and experience is this: unless your family member is someone in recovery... don't look to them for recovery support.

This is exactly why it's crucial to have a sobriety community. A sponsor. AA meetings or other recovery group support.

Our families often do not understand alcoholism or what it takes to recover. We often have to share with them what 'support' means for us... like perhaps;

Support my time to attendo meetings
Support my not going to boozy events
Support my need to do service work
Support me by hearing me openly when I seek to make amends with you.
Support my recovery by refraining from openly doubting me.

There are things we can clearly ask of family and friends, things that are reasonable requests of support.

Then there are other things. My own personal view is that calling for help in stopping drinking while actively doing so at 10 am is a request better directed at a sponsor, a counselor, my fellows at an AA meeting, etc...... than a daughter with a family who I've likely already hurt with my drinking.

These are not judgements, just my honest feedback and my personal views.

This is a good place for support, too. You can donly this!

August252015

Good notes above - I am going to back it up a step.

Do you want to stop drinking? Completely?

You don't share about the history of your drinking, or relationships with your family (other than about your wife's anger at you "drinking so early" - paraphrase) .... is there possibly resentment, hurt, distrust and the like on their side? For me, I had to quit drinking to have a chance at rebuilding my relationships and I keep "proving" myself as I improve and grow as a sober person. I'd also add....it would be unfair to expect support from anyone if I kept drinking.

For me, my program is AA. Others do it differently - quitting full stop is the bottom line for an alcoholic. People support, so to speak, especially family we have hurt, follows (or doesn't) all that. Lack of family support is unfortunate, to say the least, and I am grateful I have total support from everyone in mine plus the "outside world," yet that's not what got me sober. That's my choice.

Good luck.

totfit

I don't mean this in a bad way, but likely when you have been drinking and ask, they just feel that you have been drinking and are having a "spell". I think the best thing a family can do for you at times is just stay out of your way and let you figure it out or not. Getting sober is up to us. They honestly can't do much to help us other than to just give us the space to do it and be there for us. If you have firm steps you want to take, then discuss it with appropriate family if you need help accomplishing them, i.e., treatment if needed. Otherwise remember that it is up to us and best to you.

Nonsensical

I was invited to pull my head out of the bottle or find another place to live.

Granted, it took a while to get to that point, but that's where it ended up for me. Turns out my unrealistic expectations for them to tolerate my bad behavior were inferior to their highly realistic expectations for me to behave better.

miamifella

I think the more important question for you to ask is what are you doing to help her recovery from growing up in an alcoholic household?

PhoenixJ

FR- easy enough to answer, My family supported me until I was too much and they reached breaking point. I ended up in hospital with major burns in a coma- from drinking. My family have not seen or spoken to me since that day (Aug 2017). I realise, now they are human- and I relied on them, because that is what families do. In my way, despite a lot of understandable reasons for drinking- I took them for granted. Because of that I lost them. I lost them, my home, career, health- everything. I had to rebuild from scratch with no support from my (now) ex or my 2 adult sons- who I adore.
The only person who can help me- is me, others can support but I am the one who truly has to fight the battle. Quite literally. I I ever drink again the chances are next time, despite being dead 3 times last time around I will succeed. All I can say to you is you still have a family. Do not take them for granted- and work out what to do to help yourself.
Support and empathy to you and your family, PJ.

48heath

At one time in my drinking career my family were supportive,at the end of my drinking,they wanted nothing to do with me.

I got sober and it then took several years for them to trust me again.

AAPJ

OP - Based on one email and no ability to get the story from your daughters POV, I can't speak to your situation directly and this may not apply to you. But based on my own experience this thought comes to mind:

Sometimes "support" is not what the drunk wants. Sometimes they really want "enabling" but they re-define it as "support".

I wish you success in finding a path to sobriety.

Anna

I think that stopping drinking is ultimately up to you. I didn't have support from my family. Of course, they wanted me to get better, but there wasn't much they could do to help. This is something you must choose to do for yourself, and have faith that it will be worth it.

thomas11

My family is goofy. They harped on me about my drinking for years, yet always offered me a drink when I visited. Mixed signals. I simply quit speaking to them.

Mizzuno

I reached out to this community for support. I talked with my family about my issue with alcohol and then moved forward with my plan of sobriety. I will talk with my husband briefly about how I am feeling but I keep it short and sweet.

The thing is, this is my issue and it is my job to take all the steps necessary to get well. I cannot grab a drink and then lament about how I "need" "want" to quit (not saying you are doing that) but I have to choose everyday to make a different decision. I have to show others that I am walking in a different direction. Otherwise I am all talk and no walk. You get my drift.

The beginning days are tough. I am still in the first stage. Being that I have been on and off the damn roller coaster for years, I know what to expect of the first few weeks and months.

Use this forum, try AA, call a counselor, call a physician. Make a plan and start acting on it. You will be glad that you did. Please keep posting.

tomsteve

"How do you ask family for help when you really need it?"
if I asked when I needed it, I would have asked 20 or so years before I got sober.
but for me, I didn't turn to family members when I wanted help- they had heard enough times, 'im done", "I need help",etc
none of my family knew what alcoholism was about- they had no clue what kind of help I would be in need of.

" What kind of support do you guys get from family? "
early on? none. as above, they had known of my insanity for years and what they had done for me in the past only enabled me, so they weren't going to offer any types of support more than hope- hope that I had finally gotten serious about sobriety. and even then, it took a long time for them to believe I was serious.


"If anything, it made it worse as I drank on Sunday as well, to the point where I didn't go in yesterday to work."

and the one responsible for making it worse was you. that had nothing to do with your family. what it reads like is there were predetermined expectations of what the family should do to support you, youre expectations weren't met, and you used that as an excuse to drink again.

what help are they supposed to give you? shouldnt you be lookin at helping yourself before expecting your family to help?

I hope you decide you want to get sober for you and even if there is no family support.

aasharon90

My family got me into rehab thru a family
intervention, but once I was in this facility,
hospital, it was up to me to take this opportunity
to become willing, openminded and honest
about my life and addiction in order to receive
this gift of a recovery program and knowledge
of my addiction and to move forward with
a second chance of a new life sober.

I spent 28 days instay with a 6 week outpatient
added to complete my court order program then
once I was on my own, back home with my little
family, it became my responsibility to do all that
was suggested to me to remain sober one day
at a time.

Family went on with their own daily routine with
school and work and I with attending many AA
meetings on my own listening, learning, absorbing
and apply this program of recovery in all areas
of my life.

That was 26 yrs ago Aug. 11th 1990 when
my family stepped in getting me help when
I couldn't nor wouldn't have done it by my
self. For that and them I am truly grateful even
if there were problems with communication
and understanding between us.

FieldReport

I guess what I was looking for was some one-on-one time with my daughter, talking about why I started drinking that day. With the rest of the house full of people, that was impossible. No attempt was made to be alone with me and talk, by her or anyone else.

doggonecarl

Did you voice those expectations to your daughter? Or were they assumed and when not met, led to resentment? And more drinking.

I hope you get the gist of the replies to your initial post. Laying the burden of support on our loved ones is probably not the best course.

Marissa41

When my husband asked my mother for help for me she called child protective services. Case was dropped of course.
I guess it depends on your family and what you need?

August252015

I am trying to say this with kindness- my jaw dropped a little that this was your expectation. That seems .... tremendously unfair to expect of, well, anyone close to you, if you have hurt people the way I did. I would have avoided the h*ll, out of me if I had been sober around a drinking/drunk me. My family was so hurt, and exasperated and scared that they often did, among other damaging scenarios (begging me to stop, seeing me in different states and lying about whether I had been drinking, on and on, truthfully). Again - I ask questions that back up a bit from this one day and your expectations around your daughter. I'm guessing that the alcoholism and behavior have traces far back before last weekend.

I guess I am really reiterating what others have said, and my question at first: do you want to stop drinking completely? Then, perhaps, we can give you better support - but the best advice has already been written on the above notes.

tomsteve

so, the support you were lookin for was to say why you drank?
I don't have a daughter, but it seems a daughters idea of one on one time with her father would be doing father/daughter things- not listening to her father talk about why he started drinking that day.
im not sure how old your daughter is, but why should she or anyone else listen to why you you started drinking?

put yourself in your daughters shoes- would you want to listen to you explaining why you drank? or

so, on to solutions, which WONT involve your families support other than hope:
what are YOU going to do to support your sobriety and recovery?
howz about that therapist?