Dazed and confused on Day 85
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 38
Dazed and confused on Day 85
I quit alcohol shortly after turning 35. I decided to put an end to 17 years of progressively negative experiences with alcohol. I would put myself in the “high functioning category” and haven’t experienced the typical rock-bottom stuff, but you know when you hit your highs and lows. I know I hit mine.
This might be my 5th time trying but it’s my longest (and strongest) and I feel more committed than any of the previous times. I am not in any programme (except this forum, of course – which is a great help!).
On day 85, it seems things are generally better especially in terms of the significant reduction in regret, guilt, secrecy, pre-occupations, hangovers etc. Coincidentally, in the past few months, I have been to many parties and get-togethers with drinking involved and I haven’t touched a drop. Felt pretty high and mighty! Have been exercising off and on but not as much as I should.
On the down-side though, there seems to be some hypochondria, anxiety, dizziness, headaches and insomnia/poor sleep which seems to be getting worse. Is it the PAWS of hell? I don’t know. I hope it is. My blood work/blood pressure etc. is fine and liver functions are normal too (hurray!). My caffeine, nicotine and sugar intake though has increased since I stopped drinking. I am continuing in the hope that these are all transitions in the brain and body which get better as you cross 90 days and then subsequent milestones.
The reason I posted today is that I freaked myself out this morning. My live-in partner is leaving town for a few days and when I saw her packing her bags my brain went all alcoholic on me again. I thought about coming home early from work and finishing what’s left in the cabinet. Days 70-84 haven't been so great for me and I am feeling the urge again and low in general. I know I am going to be in alone in the evening for the next few days and being alone is a strong association with the good (yeah, right!) old days and drinking. Flying solo and crashing.
It’s a horrible feeling when you stop trusting yourself again, not knowing what you may do next. 84 days ago, I thought I'd be on cloud 9 today but it feels sort of like the first week all over again.
Apologies for the long post and thank you for reading. I need your support.
This might be my 5th time trying but it’s my longest (and strongest) and I feel more committed than any of the previous times. I am not in any programme (except this forum, of course – which is a great help!).
On day 85, it seems things are generally better especially in terms of the significant reduction in regret, guilt, secrecy, pre-occupations, hangovers etc. Coincidentally, in the past few months, I have been to many parties and get-togethers with drinking involved and I haven’t touched a drop. Felt pretty high and mighty! Have been exercising off and on but not as much as I should.
On the down-side though, there seems to be some hypochondria, anxiety, dizziness, headaches and insomnia/poor sleep which seems to be getting worse. Is it the PAWS of hell? I don’t know. I hope it is. My blood work/blood pressure etc. is fine and liver functions are normal too (hurray!). My caffeine, nicotine and sugar intake though has increased since I stopped drinking. I am continuing in the hope that these are all transitions in the brain and body which get better as you cross 90 days and then subsequent milestones.
The reason I posted today is that I freaked myself out this morning. My live-in partner is leaving town for a few days and when I saw her packing her bags my brain went all alcoholic on me again. I thought about coming home early from work and finishing what’s left in the cabinet. Days 70-84 haven't been so great for me and I am feeling the urge again and low in general. I know I am going to be in alone in the evening for the next few days and being alone is a strong association with the good (yeah, right!) old days and drinking. Flying solo and crashing.
It’s a horrible feeling when you stop trusting yourself again, not knowing what you may do next. 84 days ago, I thought I'd be on cloud 9 today but it feels sort of like the first week all over again.
Apologies for the long post and thank you for reading. I need your support.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Congrats on 85 days!! I remember feeling exactly like that around 90-120 days. Then again around 150 and again around the year time. Around the 90 day time I went to a hypnotist to help with my sleeping. It worked wonders, but it's basically a good walk through meditation. I still listen to it now and then when I notice anxiety trying to sleep.
Have some plans and back up plans when your mate leaves. I am an AA goer so when I feel lonely I hit up a meeting. It never fails.
Good luck and many prayers.
Have some plans and back up plans when your mate leaves. I am an AA goer so when I feel lonely I hit up a meeting. It never fails.
Good luck and many prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
IASW- welcome and thanks for the post. Doing great with the physical no drinking bit. When I stopped drinking I was a very damaged, very sick drunk. So after not drinking- I was 'just' very sick and damaged- emotionally. Got the physical bit sorted- work in progress. BUT the emotional/thinking/feeling and behavioural stuff for me is much harder than the physical act of not drinking.
All the reasons I drank, why I did when I felt as if I was out of control (which I was). Facing my inner demons- cradle to now stuff. I could only think outside my limited way of thinking with guidance and support.
AA is good for getting out of my head space and motivating by listening to others. A doc- to monitor my depression (with meds- all good), THEN counselling to change my behaviours and why I think/feel the way I do. That is with a counsellor and a psychologist. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done- but it works. Slowly- like drying paint. A small amount every day. Being mindful to do and try things in life differently- 'cos did not work up until now.
I journal- it helps to clarify thinking.
Support to you, PJ.
All the reasons I drank, why I did when I felt as if I was out of control (which I was). Facing my inner demons- cradle to now stuff. I could only think outside my limited way of thinking with guidance and support.
AA is good for getting out of my head space and motivating by listening to others. A doc- to monitor my depression (with meds- all good), THEN counselling to change my behaviours and why I think/feel the way I do. That is with a counsellor and a psychologist. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done- but it works. Slowly- like drying paint. A small amount every day. Being mindful to do and try things in life differently- 'cos did not work up until now.
I journal- it helps to clarify thinking.
Support to you, PJ.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
InASilentWay,85 days is FANTASTIC, congratulations. I'm going on 7 years sober and am probably more hyper-vigilant and angry than I was while using or perhaps didn't notice it as much while I was a druggie-drunk. What I have done more than anything else is just suffer through all the mental junk that confronts me. I'm 63 and you are 35. If you stay sober between now and then, you'll save a 100 grand or so and if ya invest it all, you'll probably have a million bucks. We are all rootin for ya. 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Hi IASW 
I can tell you if you have PAWs or not but this link is pretty good at explaining it, as well as what you can do about it
http://digital-dharma.net/post-acute...r-immediately/
Also - don't beat yourself up for instinctively going to the default position with 'when the cats away' type scenarios.
Three months is great..but it's still only 3 months.
I drank for years and I expect you did too - it takes a little time for those default reactions to change.
Alcoholics think about drinking - it's not necessarily a sign you're going backwards or anything like that.
It's our response to those thoughts that counts
You bought it here and shone a hard light on it - I think that was exactly the right thing to do
D
I can tell you if you have PAWs or not but this link is pretty good at explaining it, as well as what you can do about it
http://digital-dharma.net/post-acute...r-immediately/
Also - don't beat yourself up for instinctively going to the default position with 'when the cats away' type scenarios.
Three months is great..but it's still only 3 months.
I drank for years and I expect you did too - it takes a little time for those default reactions to change.
Alcoholics think about drinking - it's not necessarily a sign you're going backwards or anything like that.
It's our response to those thoughts that counts
You bought it here and shone a hard light on it - I think that was exactly the right thing to do
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 30
Congrats on 85 days. That is something to be really proud of. Think about how self-aware you are of your health now that you're sober. You're withdrawal symptoms will gradually get better and eventually go away if you keep it up.
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