Smarie78

Alcoholic is severe. Drinks on benders, has had about 10-12 in the last 12 months that have landed him in multiple hospitals, drinking chemical household liquids, locking himself in hotel rooms to drink, not bathing or functioning during the benders and essentially completely immersing himself in alcohol until he is near death and decides to stop for a few months and get back to meetings (Imo these don't last and he stops trying and assuming it will just go away)

Fast forward to this last bender he has come out of. I was told from him that he has made the decision to go into treatment or he will die. He planned to go inpatient for as long as they recommended. Great. I mean, I didn't push him one way or another because I have been on my own for the last few weeks from him and trying to do my own thing. His treatment was up to him. The thing is, is that his story has evolved from going to a treatment center for at least 30 days or maybe longer, to suddenly visiting the treatment center and him deciding it was dirty and in a bad neighborhood so he was going to someplace different. Fast forward again and the other place he decided against for some unknown reason, and now it turned into Outpatient for "a couple weeks" that he started today.

While I am trying to extract myself from this relationship (in case you are so tempted to ask "why are you still talking to this man?!?!!"), I have to ask, this may be him trying to "do something different" for different results. But does anyone truly believe that a severe alcoholic who has not been seriously treating his illness will suddenly get better going to outpatient for two weeks? I mean, sure at any time only he can decide when he will not touch a drink again, but I would think if you are going the treatment route and your in that bad of shape, two weeks would be somewhat useless.

Overall, my question is really more around anyone's experience with inpatient vs. outpatient. Thoughts??

Smarie78

Keep in mind, I am sensitive to the fact that inpatient is probably expensive and after throwing away all the money on hotels and booze, this may not have been viable.

dandylion

Smarie...inpatient does cost a pile of money....
I think the greatest deciding factor is how much does the alcoholic really want to be sober.....
In other words...are they willing to do whatever it takes....without whining.....

Ariesagain

The man drinks perfume and hand sanitizer.

Logically, is two weeks enough to address that level of addiction?

For a guy whose life includes waking up drenched in his own bodily emissions on a regular basis, it's pretty ludicrous that he's suddenly fastidious about his treatment facility.

He's snowing you and you're snowing yourself in staying involved at this level.

What happened to that sponsor guy at the sober house who was willing to help, did that crash and burn too?

atalose

That's some STORY all right and coming from the man who doesn't bath and urinates on himself, he can't do inpatient because the place was dirty and in a bad neighborhood.......

I've never heard of an out patient treatment for alcoholism that only lasts 2 weeks..........fiction, his story is all fiction the ramblings of an alcoholic who STILL doesn't want help.

What did his story buy him from you this time? Money, a ride, a place to stay?

firebolt

I'm not an alcoholic, so I can't answer from that point of view....

However, on the codie side, to me, that's what it looks like you are doing (doing the same things and hoping for different results.) I say that cause I did it for years....asking if each new little turn of events, or the slightest effort might be the alcoholics bottom.

To answer your question - it sounds like hes down in the dumps, looking for a bed - short term - probably with drinking again in the back of his mind.

I hope I'm wrong! Sobriety takes commitment and surrender. Same with codies trying to unmesh from the alcoholic's craziness.

Mountainmanbob

I would consider that a miracle but, it has been done.
Just, not seen often.
M-Bob

Smarie78

Nothing thankfully. I completely bowed out this time and he ended up at his mothers house a good 40 miles from me at the end of his bender. Shocked he didn't end up at my doorstep but apparently on the last day he got desperate and took a cab over there. Better there than mine. He said he remembered me telling him he couldn't stay at my house on day 1 of the binge. Surprised he listened. Funny enough, his wife and son are staying with his mother for the time being so he physically was forced to face that situation that he's been hiding from.

I've only spoken to him over text and a couple phone calls. Otherwise been on my own for the last two weeks and taking care of myself. He did the whole, "are you ok? You sound weird", which he usually does as though disappearing for a week while I have nightmares that he's laying around dead somewhere, should have no impact on me emotionally.

I cannot and will not go back to the routine of him sitting around with me as though he has no son to take care of or sobriety. He told me that the other night his son was afraid to go to bed because he didn't trust that daddy would be there in the morning. The A broke down and cried. So yes, he's got a lot of work to do that he needs to be neck deep in. And seems to acknowledge that. The question has never been acknowledgment though, simply action (oh look at that, just like me)

aliciagr

My husband first went into an outpatient program and he thought it was somewhat helpful, but he was working full time and he had to attend in the evenings, and on Saturday. The thing is people do have options usually, and if something doesnt feel right then move on to another option. My husband then felt an inpatient rehab would be better for him, and he picked out where he wanted to go. It was a nice place and I was supportive not because of just the amenities but because of the actual treatment offered there and how it would be designed for his personal challenges. BUT he never made it to that one instead he went on a binge of alcohol and drugs and ended up getting arrested. THEN his parents picked one close to us hurriedly and it was nothing like the one he wanted to attend originally. He hated it there, and I helped him legally switch over to therapy sessions while living at home which satisfied the judge just the same,

With that he has done great and Ive SEEN progress. The court requirement ended a few months ago but he is still doing therapy because he wants to. Finding what works for the person is important but I know not everyone has that option.

To answer the other question, NO I dont think 2 weeks is enough, but you know it could be a starting point. It depends on how you look at things and what your views are. Sometimes desire to change doesnt fall on a person like a shoe. It gradually enters the thought process, and the resources through an outpatient might, or might not help him get a different perspective, or at least push him to try.

What you said is important and while his plan may not be the best, it does look like an attempt to try something different because what he was doing wasnt working. Doing the same thing and expecting different results isnt logical either.

Id be skeptical because he looks to have a severe case, and one slip might take him right out of even the outpatient program in less than 2 weeks. I would just pray that if that happens he learns and decides to try again with something more intense like inpatient.

SparkleKitty

Smarie, do you think it's possible that one of the things that is keeping him from fully surrending to doing whatever it takes to recover is the concern that he might lose you in the process?

dandylion

Interesting question, SparkleKitty. Addicts can "sense" an elabler or co-dependent.....They have special antennae.....

atalose

Good for you! So glad to see you are sticking to a boundary!!

If he doesn't work how does he afford a cell phone? Who pays for that?

They can often acknowledge a lo,t its the follow up with taking real actions that doesn't seem to match the tears or words. My ex used to cry as well, I used to see that as him being honest and vulnerable but the more I stayed on course with my own recovery I was able to see it as academy award winning manipulation.

Smarie78

Thank you! I mean I'm still not out of the woods as I admit I noticed that my "fix" of him stopping his bender and getting help from a distance and keeping in contact with me did seem to greatly relieve the internal pain I was suffering from when he disappeared. So while I have slipped back by not going NC, I definitely stuck to boundary of not physically helping or offering to help, see him, etc. I am not tangling myself in it from a physical enabling standpoint and am enjoying my time on myself.

Funny thing is that his jobs loves him so much they keep taking him back (sound familiar?). The last two benders they were the ones calling for him to come back. They are codependents too I guess. They are allowing him a leave of absence until end of April unless he wants to come back sooner. Which of course he does. So that's how he is able to afford his phone and things. They even enrolled his son in daycare school despite his wife not working (which I always found odd, though not my business).

At any rate, he is academy award winning level if there ever was one. It's very much his defense mechanism but I can see right through it. He's a master at the "don't worry about me, I'll be fine...I'm okay."

Smarie78

Interesting. But I am wondering the opposite. Is knowing I am always there like his job, to take him back, keeping him from doing what it takes to recover? The funny thing is that today he started texting me like nothing happened, same kind of "just so you know I could never live without you and I love you so damn much" kind of things he thinks are romantic. I rolled my eyes bc I found it so incredibly manipulative given what he put me through. So instead I said "oh you would be just fine", and he was offended and said "Ouch. That's a bit harsh. I guess you are taking it too literally. Find the compliment ok?"

I think he's scared to lose me for sure. Any sane person would have left long ago. Not to mention that he hasn't done a thing in the last two years to proceed with divorce from his separation. He constantly tells me they talked and are making a plan but they seem to hate each other so much they are lucky if they can exchange a text without his mother playing messenger. So yes, at this point it'd be crazy to think I would stick around. (But hey, she hasn't left me yet his mind says - sad but true)

Smarie78

He offered to help get him into a 12 Step House the night he came to his door and he set him up with fresh clothes and let him wash. Apparently it didn't matter because he went back out to drink more. Abf said he is too humiliated and ashamed to go back bc he basically destroyed the trust toward someone who tried to help. It always stings a bit when he seems to point out other people he can't go to bc he's too ashamed what he did to them, but did the same to me. (Bc I let him)

SparkleKitty

I guess what I am getting at, is that either way you look at it, he's not surrendering while you're around.

You've written a lot about the guilt you feel at letting go of him, but hanging on isn't helping him and it isn't helping you.

PuzzledHeart

Smarie, I read your posts, and it's still all about him. And there's nothing about you. What have you been doing lately? What are your plans? How's the job search?

Is there the possibility that you pay attention to him so you don't have to address issues in your own life?

You have a fantastic opportunity in your hands to embark upon a new path. I don't know what your financial situation is, but I have a number of friends take an "intentional breather" from the job search before diving back in. One even travelled around the world! If I was single, I would love to hike the Appalachian Trail or do a cross-country road trip just for the heck of it. Even if you took a breather just for a week or two, just to focus on YOU and you alone... It might do you some good.

Forward12

It sounds like his alcoholism is pretty out of control, but your codependency sounds just as bad which is enabling both of you to keep getting worse and worse.
Personally I would go no contact and move on, also start attending alanon if you aren't already to work on your own recovery. If he was truly wanting to get clean, he would go into inpatient rehab and give it his all, which he doesn't seem willing to do.

Bekindalways

Hey Smarie, I'm impressed that you have stayed away from him physically and am looking forward to when you can mentally stay on your side of the street.

Keep healing and posting.

AnvilheadII

this guy spews so much CRAP he could open his own compost company.

what's in it for you to stay involved? why do you believe one single WORD he says?

he's back with his MOTHER, WIFE and SON.