Ituvia

It's going to be two months and I think I am able to get through most days with just a few breakdowns and suddenly I heard(I didn't ask) from a friend that he has gone trekking with his buddies and has informed everyone that he is finally happy and free and is focusing on his recovery and health. I can't believe he didn't think of doing anything while with me and also the fact that there is no mourning. I am still mourning and when I stepped out of the house other than for work last weekend, I ended coming back home in tears. Could he have moved on while still with me? How do I do things without breaking down and how do I get back my life? I am attending al anon once a week. I want to be happy but the things that he is doing is still affecting me. I feel pathetic that I am even giving him the right to make me feel like sh*t. I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't feel like going anywhere.

musiclady14

Ituvia...I'm right there with you today. I've posted, too. Heard something about AH last night. Sent me into a tailspin. Haven't slept yet. Crying. Anxiety attacks.

No intentions of ever reconciling with him. I fell out of love with him before I left two weeks ago. Living with him as an alcoholic was hell for my kids and I. I'm glad to be away from him. But the unspoken messages (or at least my interpretation of such) within his recent actions are painful. Similar to what you're experiencing. I feel broken right now. And yet silly for feeling this way. It's not being aimed at me. It's just him being him - selfish and dishonest. It's all typical alcoholic behaviour. I shouldn't be surprised, really.

I don't have any answers to share. I wish I did. I'm taking it minute by minute right now. Trying to let go of these things that I allow to cause me pain. And I'm going to ensure that everyone knows not to mention AH to me. Ever. I was fine until that happened. And I'm going to find a new Al-Anon group where we've relocated.

Hugs. We'll get through this.
PS. My second post was asking for input on getting back to being me. How to live a normal life again. Maybe any responses that are received will be helpful for you as well.

Ituvia

I think I am still harboring feelings for him and hope that he'd change and come back. I know it's stupid. I know he dumped me and wants nothing to do with me but him moving on hurts me deeply. It's like I don't even deserve a mourning period.

musiclady14

I left my AH. He didn't ever really fight for the kids and I. The bottle was more important. He sent me an email last week, mostly feeling sorry for himself. Suddenly over the course of this past weekend, he took back up with every toxic friend and family member who he had removed from his life over the course of our marriage.

In some ways, it feels as though my kids and I never existed in his life. And he has done this to two women with kids before me. Total pattern of behaviour, just like the alcoholism. I wish I had known all these things before I married him.

I feel your pain. I wish I could say something to ease it, but, sadly, this is all a process that takes time. I went through phases of wanting to leave but still being in love with him and choosing to stay. Eventually I grew beyond that. There's no love. No jealousy. No desire to be with him. Just shock, maybe. Definitely overwhelmed.

You'll get through this, Ituvia, as will I. And we'll both be stronger for it. Big hugs.

PS. Your feelings aren't stupid. And remember that guys go through things very differently in many cases. I'm sure he's mourning you in his own way. You deserve happiness so keep moving forward.

rae145

I don't know if an alcoholic is capable of mourning. I heard something in al anon that has helped me-human rejection is God's protection.
My ex accepts no responsibility for collapse of marriage, can not be honest, replaced me quickly, is still drinking, is in poor health, is verbally abusive, is doing exactly what he wants ( I always said he's a grasshopper and I'm the ant). It will get better for both of you, but it takes a lot of time.
I hope the human rejection is God's protection helps

LexieCat

I'm sorry you're in pain, but people are entitled to handle a breakup however they handle it. You don't own the "right to be mourned." Look, if he were sad and lonely and calling you, you'd probably run right back to him now, right? So maybe this is the universe telling you that there's no future for you there. It doesn't matter whether his ultimate motives are sincere or not--he's moving on. The only thing standing in the way of YOUR moving on is YOU.

Try to work on reframing this in your mind. The breakup was for the best. Dwelling on feeling wronged will keep you stuck and resentful. Work on prying your fingers off this relationship so you can grasp something of your own that will bring real happiness.

dandylion

Time takes time. By having this fresh information through your friends and any other contacts that you have had,,,each one brings you back to the "beginning" of the breakup. This is called "intermittent reinforcement"...the most powerful kind of reinforcement.....

atalose

You don’t let go of a bad relationship because you stope caring about them. You let go because you start caring about yourself.

YOU are still hung up on words, stories, assumptions and fantasy about HIS life while YOU are missing your own life.

2 months into a break up is not long after a long-term relationship has ended. I agree, time takes time. However, it is going to take so much longer for you because you remain in fantasyland about a possible future with him. Maybe that is why you so deeply believe the words, stores and assumptions because in a backwards way it continues to give you some kind of “hope” where that hope includes you somehow. Acceptance that YOU deserve so much more then what this person could possible ever offer you in life is where you need to aim to get to.

Maybe al-anon is not really where you need to be and instead therapy or more therapy might be what is best for you.

I know many young woman who come into al-anon after breakups with alcoholics still believing they can find that magic bullet that is going to get their loved one back and be there to help them stop drinking.

mylifeismine

Sorry you are feeling so bad, hugs & support to you.

Please consider that one alanon meeting a week is not enough
support and resources for you right know. Consider that for a
time, you may need all resources available, more meetings,
therapy, education, SR. There is so much to understand so that
you can have a great new beginning for your life.

This is where you are, you are free to get healthy, learn what
healthy love is all about, grow spiritually and personally, learn
about who you really are and what you really want to do with
your life.

You will never know what he is thinking or whether or not he is
mourning you. It really is none of your business, and the kindest
thing you can do for you is to focus on your healing and growth. It
will get better as time goes by, as many on here who have been
where you are have shared.

maia1234

Sorry for your pain. I agree with Mylifeismine. I was so sick while divorcing my axh, as we were together a very long time. I went to 2 open aa meetings, and 2 alanon meetings a week and soberrecovery every night, for 10 straight months. Also, throw in the therapist.

It took me a very long time and a lot of work to get where I am. Hugs, my friend there is hope for each and everyone of us on this forum.

Ituvia

I am looking at Therapists as well. I don't know why this has affected me like this, I've had breakups before and I was fine after a few months. Even if I get a therapist, I can only do one session a week cos I can't afford more.

Bekindalways

No worries Ituvia. Work on getting to a couple of Alanon or open AA meetings a week. Some of us codies should do the 90 in 90 that many alcoholics do. I never did do this but it probably would have helped me.

jada1981

Hi ltuvia. Like others have said, 2 months is not a long time. I am a year out since separation from my STBXAH and from time to time, find myself back in the bargaining phase of grief. Have you read Codependent No More? I re-read it for the 3rd time recently and for some reason, this time it really sank in. She has some great stuff in there for beginning to focus on YOU and take care of your needs.