musiclady14

I posted a 'vent' a bit earlier. Just frustrated and needed to voice it somewhere safe.

So...looking for advice on how to get back to being 'me'. I realized that I don't know how to live a 'normal' life after years of living with an alcoholic. I've always been there for my kids. Always. But I feel as though I could be "more" there. Not distracted. Not exhausted from not being able to sleep properly.

Don't get me wrong. I am happier than I've been in years since leaving my AH 2 weeks ago. I just feel like I need to learn to simply live again. To be me again. Without all the craziness and resulting dysfunction that my AH infused into our lives. My previous counselor asked me what my dreams are. I was lost for words. No clue! Since leaving, I've had moments of elation for a new beginning for my kids and I. Other moments, I just want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.

I'm planning to locate a new Al-Anon group since we moved. And a new counselor. In the meantime...I'm feeling peaceful but lost. And I want to be whole for my kids, as well as for myself.

I know it's early days but I want to start making progress. Feeling truly discombobulated today, though. My thoughts are all over the map. It's frustrating. I really need to ask people not to mention my AH. It sets me back. I would never go back to him. But his behaviour still upsets me. Especially where my kids are concerned.

I hope this makes sense. Would appreciate your input.

Zircon

Hi,
I'm a little ahead of you in the process. And it truly is a process.
I left my home a little over a year ago, due to a very abusive AH. I have moved x 2, have a DV order in place. My AH is unwilling to be fair about the settlement, so we went to court a few weeks ago, waiting for the court's decision.
I remember during my moves feeling like a woman without a home. It was an awful feeling! I had always known where I belonged and now I felt I didn't fit anywhere. I think for the past 13 years, I focused on me as a couple, not me as me!
I did see me becoming a person I didn't like, negative and angry!
It is a process, we are grieving a huge loss! It takes time.
Once I left my house and the abusive situation, I could finally see it for what it was!
It's been such a short time for you. You are doing so well with all this!! You have incredible courage and strength.
I feel that you need to do what makes you happy and smile right now! Focus on what you have, not what you think you've lost! Take baby steps forward! You'll start having more good days, than bad ones.
My AH now has a new gf! That was very difficult for me to hear. I felt bad about it for a second, remembered the man he used to be, and knows he's not the man I married anymore. I actually was able to put my feelings where they belonged, I felt sorry for his gf. She is going to have a rough life!
Remember though, it's taken me over a year to get to this place!
Right now you need to take care of you, focus on you, and be good to yourself. Before you know it you'll have made this wonderful life for yourself.
Hang in there!!!

Zircon

Jo2017

This is the post I've been wanting to write for 2 weeks now! I can't offer any advice as I'm in the same boat but you do have my support & know you're not alone. My question goes a little further-how do you build self esteem when you've never had it? At the age of 45 I'm now trying to find myself for the first time & not letting others likes/dislikes become my own. And how to do that working full time, raising 2 kids & taking care of house/animals on my own? Part of me is excited about the prospect but mostly I'm just exhausted!

RollTide

musiclady14, I totally get it. I lost my soul when I married an alcoholic and it took time to get it back. I went from an independent, grounded, joy filled person to an insecure shell of my former self. I remembered the old me. I liked her and admired her and I wanted her back...I just didn't know how to get there. I did not like who I had become. It was like having been in a foxhole during a battle. The battle ended and I was still afraid to get out of the foxhole..

For a long while I was going through the motions...spending time with people that I enjoyed but had lost contact with, doing things that I used to enjoy, etc. I remember actually hearing myself laugh one day...one of those deep and joyous belly laughs. It had been so long since I had done that and it seemed foreign. But I knew it was a start.

Looking back now I can't see why I waited so long to get out of a very painful situation. I wake up now grateful that I am in a better place and take time for myself and the things and people that I enjoy.

Keep on doing what you are doing and it will come. And you will be stronger and wiser and will appreciate your new life even more.

LexieCat

Yup, there's a saying--time takes TIME. There aren't any shortcuts. If you keep up your efforts the painful period will be shorter and you'll start feeling like your old self--only wiser and more balanced. But the pain just has to be slogged through.

I think overall you're doing great.

PistachioCake

RollTide,
By the way, I wanted your username when I joined here and it was taken! Lol
Anyway, you said you can't believe it took you so long. Isn't it the truth?! What was I thinking? I have always been strong, independent, filled with joy - how could I have let this happen? One of the last things he said to me: "You are never happy anymore." I looked at him and said: "You know what? You are right! I'm not and it's time for me to change." Why did I put up with it so long? I hope one day I can explain it to myself.
PC

Westexy

ML - It just takes time. I'm in the same boat and I don't know who I am anymore. My identity has been so wrapped up with so many lies for so long I don't know what my truth is. I'm spending time with family and friends, getting out a bit when I feel compelled to stay in, and being gentle with myself until my divorce is final. Then I'll start challenging myself a little more.

RollTide

" One of the last things he said to me: "You are never happy anymore." I looked at him and said: "You know what? You are right! I'm not and it's time for me to change." Why did I put up with it so long? I hope one day I can explain it to myself.
PC"

Yes! I remember sitting on the sofa with my laptop and being on SR and my husband said, "You look miserable." I didn't respond but thought, "Yes, I'm miserable. I'm just waiting for what insane thing you are going to do next. Jail again? ER visit? Will you kill someone while driving drunk?"

Regarding questioning myself about why I put up with it so long I still just shake my head. I have had to find comfort in the fact that I don't understand it but I do understand that it will not happen again in any form.

firebolt

This may be the case for a little while, and it is OK!

I had a mini existential crisis 4 or so months after leaving the xabf. We're so used to living with a heightened sense of awareness, walking on eggshells and trying to make everything cushy in a crazy situation that we have a hard time just BEING!

It'll come.

hearthealth

Hello, your life has been rearranged. It takes time to create what you've always wanted. Take some time everyday to ask yourself, what would you like. Then make a plan and spend some time doing it.

atalose

When I think of that sentence and apply it to myself I think…….

I don’t want the old me back, the old me is the one who made bad decisions regarding bad relationships and lost herself while people pleasing along the way. Even my good qualities were overshadowed by stuffing my feelings, always-accepting being second and believing that other people’s feelings were more important than mine own were.

I had to become someone new, someone who could possess those kind, caring easygoing qualities but no longer to a fault. Making my own feelings number one and the all mighty ability to say “no” without regret was who I wanted to be.

I think we need to figure out what it is we do not want in life before we can learn and understand how to achieve what it is we want.

Ap052183

This! I am 33 and I'm realizing I probably always had really huge self esteem issues. My identity has always been based on what others saw in me. I've been working on this for two years and it's overwhelming. Im so exhausted by the process. I have no tips but I think a lot of us can relate.

FireSprite

Yes - time. It takes loads of time to create a "New Normal". It takes time to get to know yourself again & the process of recovery itself brings it's own changes. For me there was also an element of creating balance between old, rediscovered parts of Self & the introduction of new activities & people & hobbies.

I spent a LOT of time alone, observing my thoughts & emotions & stripping away all the parts that I knew weren't working. Then I started joining in & pushing past the discomfort of new situations & people, while trying to establish & maintain boundaries as I went. (which was new - setting limits, saying "no" without qualifying it, saying "yes" when my auto-response of no-way was coming from a place of fear, etc.) Even something as simple as driving a new route to work was a small change that helped get my synapses firing in different patterns. It takes a long time to re-program ourselves - my old posts share tons of different things I've done spiritually, physically & mentally to grow beyond the person I had become at my worst.

So, so, SO many baby steps but it builds like a chain, one link at a time, hang in there!

maia1234

ML,
Look at how far you have come from 6 months ago or a year ago. You probably never would have believed what you just accomplished. We all get older and change, so not sure you want to be totally the old you.

I was very social when younger, then shut down living with the "party animal". I didn't even go to my class reunion because I knew he would be the drunk xss, and I just didn't want to deal with it at the time.

Life does come full circle. I am 2 years post divorce, and life is really good. I am in such a better place, then I was at 15. (before I met him) Us codies are always trying to fix everything immediately, the quick fix. Take your time, smell the roses (when they come up) and before you know it, peace will slowly take over your life.

Hang in there my friend, it will happen to you, just be patient.

Hangnbyathread

I've posted on threads like this before.

There is no time limit to this. But it is a process.

I first starting feeling hugely better once I saw the truck loaded with her crap leaving the driveway for the last time.

Next came the finding MY new routine to center myself again.

Next came the getting the poison out of my system on how I would see others doing anything my ex used to do.

Next came learning the difference between perceived patterns (poison) and innocent actions. Takes awhile to not treat others actions like you treated your exes.

Next came finding the people that don't make you work to like them or have dramas to drag you into.

Then came the phase where you begin to open your heart again.

Then comes the time when you meet someone you were meant to meet when you were seeking long before your ex came and crashed your life.

When you do, normalcy returns, and you start to get all of your old self back.

All said for me it was about 2 years.

I spent 2 years learning to be thrilled I had me again.

LexieCat

That's about as good a description as I can imagine. Pretty much how it worked for me (minus the meeting someone new part--which I wasn't really looking for).

teatreeoil007

Good, searching question, musiclady.

I'd say it takes time, it's a PROCESS and there are going to be times when you don't feel like you're 'going anywhere', but don't let that get you down or question the good decisive things you've already put in place. Each and every day away and apart and no contact from your ex is a baby step toward your new normal. Even if you didn't do anything 'spectacular' for that day....

Chances are you are going to be very BUSY too, which is good in some ways as you'll be too busy to spend time being pre-occupied with thoughts of what he might be up to and re-hashing what's all gone on. But I sure hope you are not too busy to just ENJOY some things in life minus the turmoil of being with an addict and living in fear and tension. Try to set some achievable goals and keep in mind where you want to be and how you want to feel.

Smarie78

I'm doing the same! (sort of)....the two plus weeks now without the alcoholic in my life has been strange. I actually at one point felt like a ghost walking around my own apartment and going to the gym. Like I didn't know how to be without him. I didn't know how to exist, I wasn't sure I wanted to. Everything felt foreign and I still wasn't sure who I was.
It's amazing...whether splitting with an alcoholic or any person in your life, it's hard to get back to you. Where someone in an alcoholic relationship differs is that we are trying to remember a life without pain. without walking on eggshells waiting for the next relapse or rage episode. we aren't sure who we were because we were always focusing on them. now we have to look at ourselves and figure it all out.

You will get there...stay busy. go out and do things even when you don't feel like it. force yourself...slowly the real YOU will come back.

Hangnbyathread

Nor was I. Totally a chance meeting. I was happy being alone. Certainly not unhappy to meet someone that fits either.

Nata1980

Hi there! Congratulations on taking steps to a better life

What helped me is making a list of things I like to do, including those I have not done for a while, and start doing them.

Prioritize self care - running is a must for me, and so is doing some sort of craft every day.

I also allow myself to veg out with a movie or a book every other day.

Slowly but surely you will feel back to your old self. I am finally getting there.