Peaches04

This may be only me that this happens to, but I just had a converation with my AH that drove me bonkers! He still has not had a drink for 16ish days now and has been a different person. However, this morning, he started quacking - I didn't make the oatmeal right (what?), he wanted me to take the kids to school (he takes them, I pick them up), just quacking BS and making little 'digs'. If I do say so myslef (patting myself on the back) - I did not react...didn't get the last word in - just kept in a good mood with the kids and carried on! So, ofcourse, he calls - and apologizes. So, I said "what are you aplogizing for?" Because I usually just say "okay"..but, I'm tired of the apologies, so now when he does apologize, I want to know for what piece? He says "well, WE both need to work on being a team" and "WE both...blah, blah". Normally, I let him save face with this WE crap and say soemthing like "yeah." because I figure at least he's thinking good. But, today, - and I didn't say it - but, I was fuming thinking "what is this "WE" sh**?"... Granted, I know there is lots I need to work on...but, then I say "I" need to work on it... not "WE"... I'm surprised he hasn't said "WE" need to think about stopping drinking! ugh! Anyway, again - I may be being moody today, but I'm just tired of always bearing everyone's load and I think this "we" business, just gives me the impression that I am now bearing 1/2 of the apology load too.. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm overreacting - but, I had to vent...so thanks!

bahookie

Hey

Listen, if we had a conversation that included "we" I'd be relieved. Just now it's "you need to" "you do this" "you do that" "why are you always.." "well, I wouldn't get angry if you...." oh and the best one "I'm not arguing, you are"

Actually, reading all that it just looks funny. Or a pathetic.

My belief in my big heart is rapidly going down the toilet here.

J

osier59

Peaches,
In my meetings and in books I've read, they call it "the Dance". You and your A have predictable patterns of acting and reacting... he says this, you do that, you say this, he says that etc etc. Once one of you starts working a program of recovery, the dance steps change. You're beginning to see things differently, reacting differently etc. If he is like most others, he will push HARDER at first to get you to do the next predictable, comfortable thing. Mine even came right out and said "You aren't doing this right. I say this and then you are supposed to say that. Its how we always start the fight..."

Also, for the most part, apologies are just air.... quacking and air. An apology is nice, but changed behavior is what we really want. Consistently changed behavior.

Keep doing what you're doing. It will take time, but if you keep at it, you can change how you interact... and you can have serenity in your life even if he chooses to go back to his old behaviors (sober or not!)

Hugs and love
Barb

minnie

It might have something to do with trying to share his responsibilities, so that he has an excuse when things don't work out. That's what As do, I'm afraid.

All you need to do is take 100% responsibility for your 50% of the relationship. If he's not willing to do the same, that's his decision. You will have kept your side of the street clean.

You're doing just fine, Peaches. And we're with you every step.

Take care

Minnie
xxx

JessicaNAJ

In my experience, A's don't like to admit when they are wrong so they take some of their blame off by putting some on us.

I think you handled the situation wonderfully. Do the opposite of what he expects. But be ready 'cause he won't know how to react and may really start pushing your buttons just to get you to react in the norm.

Keep up the good work.

Hugs!

Peaches04

It is the "Dance", isn't it! What a perfect name for it... Unfortunately, he's Fred Astaire and I'm Lucille Ball! haha! Well, that has been one of the main things I have been working on - is NOT reacting. I'm just not sure what to do with the aplogies and the "we's". But, you know - now that you all have me thinking - it DID totally change the direction of the discussion to how "I" am not being the team player. So, he never really did admit any wrong doing. That's how it always works...he's a sneaky little bas****! Boy, I get tired of the "dance" - So, I have a question - when your As aplogize - what is the appropriate way to respond?

minnie

I just say "thank you for your apology". Don't know whether that's the right way, but it does stop us having an argument afterwards.

Oh and Peaches - my "i DID IT" thread that you have just posted on describes exactly the same thing. It's BS - just ignore it. He knows you're pulling your weight. He also knows that he's not. It's just projection.

bahookie

I'd faint!!!!

Petunia

Peaches,

I think I would have asked the same question you did "For what?" although it would probably benefit to add Minnie's response...so it would go something like

"Thank you for the apology. What are you apologizing for?" at least this way you have kept your side clean and spoken your mind so you can not beat yourself up for letting him off the hook.

Being sane is a lot of work...who knew.

Petunia

Peaches04

Bahookie...you crack me up!!! But honestly, I think that is my AHs manipulation. He now knows the "YOU" business doesn't work with me anymore... if he does that now, I just look at him blank faced and walk away. So, I guess the next progression, is this "we" business. Heaven knows he can't be entirely responsible for his behavior!

Gracey

My AH apologizes, I just say okay......sometimes I say why are you sorry?? Then he turns the apology ugly.....by saying to me atleast I can apologize.......you cant, you never apologize........so I say I am sorry you are upset.......and that you are out of sorts today........

I dont know what to say.....

ASpouse

How about "Apology accepted" or "Apology not accepted and this is why ........"

I've even said "Apology Expected" which caused us both to break down and laugh hysterically LOL

minnie

Actually, ASpouse, when I think about it I say "Apology accepted" more often than thank you. Same difference, really.

Veronica

When my AH apologizes, I usually say "what for?" (sometimes he apologizes for things I didn't even know about!) and now I've gotten to the point where I call him on the carpet when I have heard that apology before - I very politely say, "I've heard this apology before. What is different this time?" I have become a big believer in actions instead of words (only b/c I have heard all of the words before) and so instead of accepting another empty apology, I ask my AH to show me. So far, that's been working well for us. Oh, and I once had a counselor call us out on saying "we" instead of "me/I" - tell your AH to speak for himself and not you.

JessicaNAJ

Peaches - This is a little sarcastic, but I always tell him - I'm glad you admitted you were wrong. For my AH - that makes him feel like he did a good thing.

Gracey

Does anyone else think that there apologies are so empty........I know half the time when he apologized I know it is his way of trying to end the arguement.....and when I say okay that is me saying okay enough is enough.......I want the arguement to end to.....

My exception of his apology is just as empty as his attempt to apologize.....and when I say it is okay........he thinks that boom things are better now..........and I think nothing was resolved and it was just swept under the carpet for now.

I figure for myself why even go through all the attempts when neither one of us mean it.....

Peaches04

Yeah Gracey - that's kind of how I feel. I like Veronica's idea though about saying "I've heard this apology before, what's different?". But, I know what you mean - the only reason I think my AH apologizes is not that he's sorry, but to make himself feel better - it certainly doesn't do anything for me. And I like you, just say "it's okay" because I'm so emmotionally drained and think what's the point. But, now - as I've said earlier - I've started to ask "what" he's sorry for. At least that way he has to be accountable for his behavior and admit to it. Sometimes it works, then other times I get this WE sh** - oh brother, there goes my heart racing again

skyleh

mine rarely ever admits his responsibility..if he does its about 1/2 of what it should be. I say "I" or we...but if I try to say him..he jumps down me one side and up the next. I am the only one who has every said I have things to work on..he never does...your not alone here.

Gracey

I am sorry peaches, I dont mean to be so negative....I am just seeing things for what they are right now in my life....and that can be quite a rude awakening....from my usual fantasy of everything is going to be okay and he must really be sorry cause no one get be so mean. I use to have lots of hope for US......I am not giving up.....not on me anyway....I have lots of hope for me.

Peaches04

Gracey - you don't ever have to apologize for being negative!!! I struggle to not be negative all the time, and I know where you are coming from...believe me! I don't think you are being negative anyway, I think you are coming to terms with what you feel like you need to come to terms with on your path. As I've said before - I think you are doing wonderful and you inspire me with yor insight!