You probably knew it was coming
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
You probably knew it was coming
Hi AGAIN! I've done it again! My AXBF's dad passed away a week ago. Of course, I wanted to pay my respects, but I think it was not a good idea. I knew his dad well and have fielded a lot of questions from his family in the past month or so. Now I am completely enmeshed again! Why? I know better!!!!! Now, here I am again! I feel like I should know better, but now I am back. NOOOOO!!!! I Can't do this again! I feel like I am so screwed! I love him. Of course I do! How do I get rid of him again! I just feel like I am back to the old patterns. I thought I was getting better! I am so discouraged again. Yes, I love him, but I can't do this again! My heart is again in so much pain! I left a year ago, and suddenly I feel like nothing has changed.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Your life is not ruined, caretaker. You've just had a relapse, just like an A w/alcohol.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start using the same tools you used to get out of there in the first place. It should be a mite bit easier this time since you KNOW what to do, and you KNOW how much better you feel when you're not caught up in the crazy.
You did it once, and you CAN do it again. You're not perfect, but hey, who IS?
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start using the same tools you used to get out of there in the first place. It should be a mite bit easier this time since you KNOW what to do, and you KNOW how much better you feel when you're not caught up in the crazy.
You did it once, and you CAN do it again. You're not perfect, but hey, who IS?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Dont let a thoughtful expression, like attending the funeral to pay your respects turn into something negative for you. You sound firm in your decision to not go back down that road with your ex. Maybe try to look at this as a learning experience. Listen to the little voice inside telling you its over, and trust that the run in was meant to happen in order to make you stronger and more confident in your decision.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
You know how to do this and it's doable. It's a case of going no contact ( block him on everything) and steeling yourself for a few weeks of feeling sad again. You know the out come if you don't. Stay strong. Don't beat yourself up for getting sucked in again. Funerals are an emotional time and what if's are bound to come up. I love the saying on here that detaching is a process not an event. ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Change is an action, a course, a direction in which we choose to make for ourselves. You turned around and headed back down a dead end road. Make another turn and get yourself back in the direction of moving away from the hurt and disappointment you experienced already.
Not sure when you say enmeshed and back again, what does that mean? Are you dating him again? What does enmeshed look like for you?
Not sure when you say enmeshed and back again, what does that mean? Are you dating him again? What does enmeshed look like for you?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What is it you're worried about? Causing pain for him and his family?
Just because you paid your respects to his dad doesn't obligate you further. You can wish them all peace, and go on your way. If you said or did things that suggest you are returning to the relationship, just say you've had a chance to re-think, and have concluded it's a bad idea for everyone. If they are hurt/mad, oh, well. They will get over it. Or not. Either way, it's THEIR issue, and not yours. If you feel you led anyone one on, you can apologize and explain that you care about them and fooled yourself into thinking maybe it could work, but have concluded it won't. You didn't intentionally hurt anyone. You might have misjudged the situation, but we all make mistakes. The important thing is not to compound it by staying when you know it's the wrong thing for you.
Just because you paid your respects to his dad doesn't obligate you further. You can wish them all peace, and go on your way. If you said or did things that suggest you are returning to the relationship, just say you've had a chance to re-think, and have concluded it's a bad idea for everyone. If they are hurt/mad, oh, well. They will get over it. Or not. Either way, it's THEIR issue, and not yours. If you feel you led anyone one on, you can apologize and explain that you care about them and fooled yourself into thinking maybe it could work, but have concluded it won't. You didn't intentionally hurt anyone. You might have misjudged the situation, but we all make mistakes. The important thing is not to compound it by staying when you know it's the wrong thing for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Hi!
This is not the end. You relapsed, or slipped.
What does being "enmeshed" mean to you?
No contact is a wonderful suggestion. You don't have kids with him do you? You can always make an excuse of emotions of a sad event getting the best out of you.
You can only enmesh yourself so much in a couple of days
I have taken XAH back one too many times until I did not - so I can relate
This is not the end. You relapsed, or slipped.
What does being "enmeshed" mean to you?
No contact is a wonderful suggestion. You don't have kids with him do you? You can always make an excuse of emotions of a sad event getting the best out of you.
You can only enmesh yourself so much in a couple of days
I have taken XAH back one too many times until I did not - so I can relate
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
caretaker...take the time to remember all of the really bad things that happened between him and you.....
I think the analogy of the alcoholic relapsing is a good one.....
When that happens, one needs to just get back on the horse.....
I think the analogy of the alcoholic relapsing is a good one.....
When that happens, one needs to just get back on the horse.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
Enmeshed... I knew for a long time that his dad was getting worse. He was battling lung cancer for the past 3-4 years. I am a RN and his family would ask me questions about different situations. I went no contact after I moved out last June. This was incredibly difficult, because we work at the same hospital. I transferred to a different building when things were starting to go south between us, before his stint in rehab. I know this was a good decision, as it has allowed me to keep the no-contact intact.
He contacted me a couple months ago, asking me questions about odds, treatment, etc. I answered. Slowly, but surely, the conversations became more frequent and more emotionally charged. Pretty soon, especially when things got really bad over the past month, I was with him or his family, or talking to him/them every day. I even drove him the 2 hours to the hospital (as he was not ok to drive) when his dad was in his last days. Honestly, in the past month, I have been by his side, physically, on a daily basis. He was entirely kind and sweet this whole past month, as I remember him being at the beginning of our relationship. I started to think, "maybe this could work" or "maybe it wasn't that bad". The thing is, I KNOW it WAS that BAD. Crap!
It has only been a week since his funeral, so I am afraid of hurting him if I go back to no contact. I know I have to and I know that it will get worse the longer I stay in contact. UGH!!!
And, if I am going to be honest, I've enjoyed spending this time with him and his family. I miss them terribly. But, I know what I need to do. Thank you everyone for reinforcing what I already know deep down.
He contacted me a couple months ago, asking me questions about odds, treatment, etc. I answered. Slowly, but surely, the conversations became more frequent and more emotionally charged. Pretty soon, especially when things got really bad over the past month, I was with him or his family, or talking to him/them every day. I even drove him the 2 hours to the hospital (as he was not ok to drive) when his dad was in his last days. Honestly, in the past month, I have been by his side, physically, on a daily basis. He was entirely kind and sweet this whole past month, as I remember him being at the beginning of our relationship. I started to think, "maybe this could work" or "maybe it wasn't that bad". The thing is, I KNOW it WAS that BAD. Crap!
It has only been a week since his funeral, so I am afraid of hurting him if I go back to no contact. I know I have to and I know that it will get worse the longer I stay in contact. UGH!!!
And, if I am going to be honest, I've enjoyed spending this time with him and his family. I miss them terribly. But, I know what I need to do. Thank you everyone for reinforcing what I already know deep down.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have some family of my X's that keep contacting me. I politely explained that while I care of them very much, it's not healthy for me to have a relationship with my X's family, nor is it appropriate. I explained that it caused me lots of hardship but that was something I decided for the peace of both of us.
As far as your X, I agree, it's like a relapse. Explain that while you are sorry for the loss, this does not negate where you were and that you plan to continue to move forward.
Hugs.
As far as your X, I agree, it's like a relapse. Explain that while you are sorry for the loss, this does not negate where you were and that you plan to continue to move forward.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Caretaker, your thread makes me wonder how likely are any of us to have a relapse. Like alcoholics are we always recovering? I for one probably am as I always struggle with boundaries and self-care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It has only been a week since his funeral, so I am afraid of hurting him if I go back to no contact.
How about you see if it dies a natural death all on it’s own. The situation that brought you both back together is no longer there. Don’t initiate any texts/phone calls and don’t jump to respond to any as well. Put it into a professional perspective, you were there for the family because of your profession, try and get away from making it personal.
How about you see if it dies a natural death all on it’s own. The situation that brought you both back together is no longer there. Don’t initiate any texts/phone calls and don’t jump to respond to any as well. Put it into a professional perspective, you were there for the family because of your profession, try and get away from making it personal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
Thank you, everyone, for your advice. I haven't spoke to or text him since Saturday. I am already starting to feel that sense of "relief" and my ability to breathe has started to return. Much the same as it did when I left him last year. I realized that he does not bring me companionship, but chaos. That feeling of loneliness has returned, but I know that it is only temporary. I got through it before and came out healthier on the other side. One foot in front of the other... make the next right decision.... All great things I learned from SR and Al-Anon. I will always care about him and his family, but I know I am doing the right thing for myself.
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