PistachioCake

Hello Everyone. I would love to hear from someone regarding a decision I made. My alcoholic fiancé has been steadily getting worse in the 2 1/2 years we have been together and I have become more frustrated than ever. He lies, hides beer, has stopped contributing financially, has no friends - all the things I have read are characteristics of most alcoholics. My patience with him has ended. Earlier this week I had to drive him to work. He asked me to stop at the store so he could get some things for lunch but when he came back out all he had was beer. He drank a 6 pack before we got to his job and would not get out of my car when we got there. He grabbed my keys and would not give them to me. His personality changed so fast. The only way I could get him out was to call 911 so he knew I was serious. He gave me my keys and got out and I left. I did not feel bad about what I had done. He showed up at my house later in the day, drunk, and carrying more beer. I told him he had to leave. He came back later and I made him leave. He called and left voicemails, sent text messages - all blaming me for what happened, saying he has no money, no food, he's homeless - but no apologies of course. I know he won't apologize. I don't care about that. I'm out of town now (vacation week). I have not heard from him and I'm so glad. I already had my trip planned and tried to give him his things when he came back that day but he said he would wait until I get back. I'm still not sorry for what I did. I could not compromise my integrity, health, and sanity any longer. When I get home I plan to get his things to him and start attending Al-anon or therapy. I still don't understand it all - how the brain of an alcoholic is altered. I gave my title to this thread because I tried to talk to someone about this and this "professional" kept talking about how my fiancé needed a program. He's done that - stayed 4 months and began drinking again the day he got out. His parents won't even let him stay at their house. I want my life back. I matter more now. Any thoughts? I know I am not wrong.

biminiblue

You're absolutely not wrong. Any professional who you pay to help you would ideally have your best interests at the core of the relationship - but s/he isn't wrong that your alcoholic needs help.

You don't have to be involved in that help, though. You sound wise and capable.

VigilanceNow

It sounds like your poor fiancé is completely out of control. The best way I can describe it is that as soon as you take one sip as an alcoholic, nothing else matters except getting more (and more and more). Are you planning on staying with him? He will probably need a detox, as it sounds like it's become a chemical addiction in addition to mental. Once he gets completely sober, maybe his head will clear up and he can see the damage he's caused. I know when I drink, it's often to forget about the things I've done while drunk, as illogical as that sounds. Shame is a huge part of the disease.

That said, if he won't get help... You know alcoholism is progressive, and it can always get worse. I won't advise you on what to do in terms of your relationship, but just keep that in mind. It's an unfortunate reality...

NewRomanMan

Until he takes responsibility for his actions and his drinking you are wise to stay away from him. Reality is beyond his grasp about now it sounds like. Do what you need to do to keep your sanity.

PistachioCake

No, I won't stay with him. There's been too much hurt and worry. He has some wonderful qualities, is excellent at his trade, and talented but it's even hard for me to say that now. Alcohol has replaced those things. I don't like being anxious and nervous. I have always been happy and joyful inside. I won't let anyone take that away from me. I won't mistreat him and I'm pretty sure it won't be easy to end it all but I can do it. Thank you so much for your reply and for being honest. I need to hear it. Also, you said you feel shame and it makes you drink more. One time when I let him come back I picked him up at a hotel. He was sober, shaking, and crying. He told me he knew he built his family and me up just enough to break us down again and he wanted to stop. Was he feeling shame? His sobriety lasted only a few days.

PistachioCake

Thank you so very much. It is good for me to hear from as many people as I can!

PistachioCake

Biminiblue,
I wish so badly he would get help. I know I can't make him go. His daughter has even quit asking him. It used to make me mad, sad, and feeling hopeless. I'm numb now. Thank you for answering! This is what I needed!

VigilanceNow

It's certainly a terrible situation. Alcohol really changes people... When I was in rehab, so many people said they didn't even know who they were because they'd been altering reality for so long. But a person can only take so much. It sounds like you've been beyond understanding with him, but right now the illness has him in its grip and you don't deserve to be constantly putting yourself at risk. It's tragic, because I suspect that he does feel shame and embarrassment... But this horrible disease knows no logic or reason!

PistachioCake

Dear Vigilance,
Does alcohol really come first? Does an alcoholic still love his/her family? I can't imagine treating my family the way he has treated us. Does permanent damage to the brain occur?

VigilanceNow

That's why they say that alcoholism is cunning and baffling... That's not to act as though being drunk is an excuse for bad behavior. A chemical change happens in the brain when an addict takes a drink, and something changes that affects impulse control. I've done things that I would never dream of doing sober. I don't know how to describe it... It's horrifying, really. Brain damage certainly can occur! People get seizures from withdrawal, nerve damage... Really bad. That's why they describe it sometimes as a kind of insanity. What rational person would knowingly put themselves at such risk?

It's also true that it is a very selfish disease, as you well know. He wants you to sacrifice your happiness and well being so he can keep himself sick... It's very sad

ScottFromWI

Yes - alcohol does come first for some, even above family and even when they still love you at times. It's unimaginable but unfortunately true for some. Brain damage can occur from prolonged abuse, but it's the addiction causing the behavior you describe.

VigilanceNow

Yes - the alcohol is a symptom of the addiction. A normal person can have a few drinks and not think anything of it. Go home and not think about alcohol for the rest of the night. An alcoholic becomes obsessed with getting more and more with none of the self-control you would practice in any other situation.

For example... If someone invited me over for cake, I can't imagine eating the whole thing, even if I wanted to. But I would, and have, drank entire bottles of expensive wine, almost all my friend's Grey Goose.... The next day I would feel horrible. Thats why an alcoholic should never pick up even one. Not even a sip.

PistachioCake

It's so hard for me to understand how it's considered an illness. I'm pretty sure people with cancer or heart disease don't treat their loved ones so horribly. I feel like he chooses to open every can of beer. Last Sunday - before he finished an 18pack he was afraid of running out and went and bought another one. He ended up drinking the first 18pack and half of second one. Beyond belief to me! I am, however, trying to find out all I can. I do know he loves me and shows it when sober and often when drunk. It's not enough for me anymore, though. I read somewhere that I shouldn't take his actions personally. So hard. Thanks, Scott!

Maudcat

You are not wrong. Don't let him in, give him his stuff, and run, don't walk, away. He is, at the moment, a walking disaster. Peace.

PistachioCake

I see! Like people who eat too much, gamble excessively, or spend too much. He worries more about not running out of beer than anything else. He can't go anywhere without taking 3 or 4 cans of beer with him. If he's going to be gone longer than 20 or 30 minutes he takes the 18pack and buys more when it's empty. How does a person get like that?

PistachioCake

I agree and this is what I plan to do! I already feel better! Thank you!

Grymt

The best thing you can do for him is slam the door in his face. (worked for me) Have nothing to do with him. Look after yourself.

tomsteve

glad yer here, PC!
it reads like I was youre( I hope it is now ex) fiancé at one time. just reading about the vacation and how he said he'll get his stuff after your vacation- that would be me doing what I could to keep you in my life.
" all blaming me for what happened, saying he has no money, no food, he's homeless - but no apologies of course."
that there was the selfish, self centered child in me. after I got sober I heard that an alcoholic stops growing mentally and emotionally soon after they took their very first drink. and I believed it- 36 when I got sober, I was mentally and emotionally 13- blaming people,places, and things for the state of my life and I did that for a long time. my biggest concern was....MMMMEEEEEE.
my next biggest concern was having a woman to take care of me- basically having a mother, although I didn't even see it that way until I got sober.
well, that of course after making sure I had alcohol.
one thing followed me through the years and relationships I was in:
I didn't have relationships- I took hostages. IF the ransom I set was met-giving ME rides to work, doing MY laundry...those things adults do- I would set another ransom.
and if the ransom wasn't met? id throw a hissy fit....that's a lie......I threw temper tantrums like children that don't get their way do.
then think about a new ransom, not take responsibility or accountability for my life.
today I can say that it is my opinion that tossin my ass to the curb was the best move every woman I got into a relationship with ever made. I was only going to drag them down with me and there was a lot of gloom,dispair,and agony on the way down.

"
Does alcohol really come first? Does an alcoholic still love his/her family? I can't imagine treating my family the way he has treated us. Does permanent damage to the brain occur? '
for me, yes, alcohol was #1. at any lengths or cost.
for me, yes, i did still love my family.
yes, permanent brain damage CAN occur. wet brain.


PC, its just my opinion, but ending the relationship is the best thing you can do FOR YOU!
how he'll respond to it all, that's hard sayin, but that's on his shoulders and not your burden to carry.
i don't want to give ya hope by sharing this, but this is how i got sober:
very rarely did i start drinmin before noon, but on that particular day i bought a 12 back about 10:30 in the morning. i remember goin for my 3rd 12 pack about 4 or 5 that evening, then went into a blackout.
i passed in on the couch. already had a feeling i did and/or said insane,hurtful things while in a blackout. got a cup of coffee for my( by then ex- i just hadn't been informed yet) fiancé and went into the bedroom.
she was laying on the bed balling her eyes out. looked like she had been crying all night( happened to be we were staying at her sisters house as her sister was dieing from cancer and we were helping take care of stuff).
she started telling me some of what i had done and said the night before while i was in a blackout.
and i had the old,used up "im sorry" and"i promise", which she wasn't having anything to do with and said,"get out! get the **** out!"
and i didn't argue. packed a bag and left.
THAT is what was necessary for me to get out of denial that alcohol and me were the common denominators in all my problems. THAT is what got me to stop trying to stuff my past- i was lookin straight at my past and seeing a lot of the wreckage i had left in my wake over the years. THAT is what got me to decide to get help or kill myself.
there was absolutely no one on the face of the earth that could help me get sober until i wanted to get sober.
and absolutely no one that hadn't been in my shoes that could help me do that.
and absolutely no one that could have helped me by carrying me- i had to do the footwork.


you didn't cause it, you cant control it, and you cant cure it.
and ya don't deserve to be a doormat for an alcoholic or anyone else for that matter.

I know I matter, too.
dam straight you matter! you can show that with your actions and doing what you have to do for your own mental and emotional health- you deserve peace and serenity.

tomsteve

there is a line in the progression of alcoholism that can get crossed and the power of choice is gone.

no, people with heart disease or cancer don't do that. but those are a different classification of illness- alcoholism is a mental illness and not physical.

VigilanceNow

I completely get that, pistachio. Before I experienced this, I didn't acknowledge it as a disease. The addiction switch in my head is very powerful. That isn't supposed to make you pity your fiance, but just to acknowledge that some people are afflicted with this and some aren't.