It only took 3 years
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It only took 3 years
My sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 years ago. She passed away 2/4/2016. When she was initially diagnosed, I had one year of sobriety. That year was a year of great strides in the right direction. I had lost a job due to my behavior under the influence and I had no other choice but to get sober and get real. One year later, after learning of her diagnosis (she was 36) I picked up the alcohol and escaped. I cared for her the best I could as she was actively dying. It was hell.
My H and I (during my sisters last year of life) moved across the state back to our old stomping grounds. We started new jobs and I thought we were doing alright? It was hard to travel back and forth across the state during my sisters illness but somehow I did it. I was there for her last week of life. We sent her off with love and respect and extreme heartache. I packed up her belongings, cleaned her house, rented a U-haul and threw all of her stuff in my garage. It was only after all that work that I was able to lay in my bed and sob my heart out. 4 days later, I went back to work and life has moved rapidly into good and bad directions since that time.
Work has been brutal and life has handed us more than I think we could take as individuals and as a married couple. H's Mom went into a mental psychosis (4 months ago) and has not recovered. We dont think she will ever make it back. We dont know how to help her and there is nothing anyone can do.
Through all of this the wine was there to saturate and take me into places of blacking out, incoherent speech, massive hangovers and complete disaster. Doing things I dont remember. I would wake up over these last three years and cry over the damage I was doing to myself and plead with God to help me. I could not get a handle on it. Emotional crisis mode after emotional crisis mode. Drinking daily was the habit and being drunk felt normal.
I have been sober for more days this week than in the last 3 years. I have to deal with my emotions and deal with my grief. I am doing that now. I have reached out to professionals and will be with my physician next week.
I am proud of these small steps.
Just thought I would be transparent and give a little about myself and what I have been dealing with and going through.
I feel strong. I feel weak. I feel it all. This is exactly where I need to be.
Thank You
My H and I (during my sisters last year of life) moved across the state back to our old stomping grounds. We started new jobs and I thought we were doing alright? It was hard to travel back and forth across the state during my sisters illness but somehow I did it. I was there for her last week of life. We sent her off with love and respect and extreme heartache. I packed up her belongings, cleaned her house, rented a U-haul and threw all of her stuff in my garage. It was only after all that work that I was able to lay in my bed and sob my heart out. 4 days later, I went back to work and life has moved rapidly into good and bad directions since that time.
Work has been brutal and life has handed us more than I think we could take as individuals and as a married couple. H's Mom went into a mental psychosis (4 months ago) and has not recovered. We dont think she will ever make it back. We dont know how to help her and there is nothing anyone can do.
Through all of this the wine was there to saturate and take me into places of blacking out, incoherent speech, massive hangovers and complete disaster. Doing things I dont remember. I would wake up over these last three years and cry over the damage I was doing to myself and plead with God to help me. I could not get a handle on it. Emotional crisis mode after emotional crisis mode. Drinking daily was the habit and being drunk felt normal.
I have been sober for more days this week than in the last 3 years. I have to deal with my emotions and deal with my grief. I am doing that now. I have reached out to professionals and will be with my physician next week.
I am proud of these small steps.
Just thought I would be transparent and give a little about myself and what I have been dealing with and going through.
I feel strong. I feel weak. I feel it all. This is exactly where I need to be.
Thank You
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Hugs and prayers, Mizzuno. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. Mine is my best friend. I would sob for 4 days also. I'm glad you are making strides to be a better you. Feeling feelings can suck sometimes. But it's great other times. Here with you.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by Mizzuno 
My sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 years ago. She passed away 2/4/2016. When she was initially diagnosed, I had one year of sobriety. That year was a year of great strides in the right direction. I had lost a job due to my behavior under the influence and I had no other choice but to get sober and get real. One year later, after learning of her diagnosis (she was 36) I picked up the alcohol and escaped. I cared for her the best I could as she was actively dying. It was hell.
My H and I (during my sisters last year of life) moved across the state back to our old stomping grounds. We started new jobs and I thought we were doing alright? It was hard to travel back and forth across the state during my sisters illness but somehow I did it. I was there for her last week of life. We sent her off with love and respect and extreme heartache. I packed up her belongings, cleaned her house, rented a U-haul and threw all of her stuff in my garage. It was only after all that work that I was able to lay in my bed and sob my heart out. 4 days later, I went back to work and life has moved rapidly into good and bad directions since that time.
Work has been brutal and life has handed us more than I think we could take as individuals and as a married couple. H's Mom went into a mental psychosis (4 months ago) and has not recovered. We dont think she will ever make it back. We dont know how to help her and there is nothing anyone can do.
Through all of this the wine was there to saturate and take me into places of blacking out, incoherent speech, massive hangovers and complete disaster. Doing things I dont remember. I would wake up over these last three years and cry over the damage I was doing to myself and plead with God to help me. I could not get a handle on it. Emotional crisis mode after emotional crisis mode. Drinking daily was the habit and being drunk felt normal.
I have been sober for more days this week than in the last 3 years. I have to deal with my emotions and deal with my grief. I am doing that now. I have reached out to professionals and will be with my physician next week.
I am proud of these small steps.
Just thought I would be transparent and give a little about myself and what I have been dealing with and going through.
I feel strong. I feel weak. I feel it all. This is exactly where I need to be.
Thank You
My H and I (during my sisters last year of life) moved across the state back to our old stomping grounds. We started new jobs and I thought we were doing alright? It was hard to travel back and forth across the state during my sisters illness but somehow I did it. I was there for her last week of life. We sent her off with love and respect and extreme heartache. I packed up her belongings, cleaned her house, rented a U-haul and threw all of her stuff in my garage. It was only after all that work that I was able to lay in my bed and sob my heart out. 4 days later, I went back to work and life has moved rapidly into good and bad directions since that time.
Work has been brutal and life has handed us more than I think we could take as individuals and as a married couple. H's Mom went into a mental psychosis (4 months ago) and has not recovered. We dont think she will ever make it back. We dont know how to help her and there is nothing anyone can do.
Through all of this the wine was there to saturate and take me into places of blacking out, incoherent speech, massive hangovers and complete disaster. Doing things I dont remember. I would wake up over these last three years and cry over the damage I was doing to myself and plead with God to help me. I could not get a handle on it. Emotional crisis mode after emotional crisis mode. Drinking daily was the habit and being drunk felt normal.
I have been sober for more days this week than in the last 3 years. I have to deal with my emotions and deal with my grief. I am doing that now. I have reached out to professionals and will be with my physician next week.
I am proud of these small steps.
Just thought I would be transparent and give a little about myself and what I have been dealing with and going through.
I feel strong. I feel weak. I feel it all. This is exactly where I need to be.
Thank You
My drinking really began to escalate after she died. The harder I tried to run from the pain and drink it away, the deeper my hell hole became. If I could do it over again, I would have put the brakes on my drinking back then, as a tribute to my sister. Instead, I messed up so much in my life.
You can get through this Miz. Your sister is right there beside you!
God Bless
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Thanks for the responses. I very much appreciate the support that has been given. We are closing in escrow next week and I should feel elated but I dont. All this change so quickly. Im a little to " heady" for my own good. I will talk with my doctor next week about this chronic state of worry that I find myself living in. Ive been "worried" for years and it serves no purpose. It seems like a disorder of sorts but what do I know?
Packing tonight and a good sober sleep for the win!
Packing tonight and a good sober sleep for the win!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
I can relate, too, dear Mizz - it is an extremely painful thing - from the diagnosis, to the progression of the disease, to the death.
I am so very, very sorry for your loss, Mizz.
Honor your sister with your sobriety as I do mine.
I am so very, very sorry for your loss, Mizz.
Honor your sister with your sobriety as I do mine.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Cape Cod, Mass
Posts: 18
the removal of anxiety or the constant state of 'worry 'was profound to me once I stopped drinking seriously . Important meetings and large presentations no longer bring the nagging dread from the day before until the event occurs any longer . Bet you'll find it will ease significantly when you stop.
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Originally Posted by Boxkidone
the removal of anxiety or the constant state of 'worry 'was profound to me once I stopped drinking seriously . Important meetings and large presentations no longer bring the nagging dread from the day before until the event occurs any longer . Bet you'll find it will ease significantly when you stop.
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Ive had a low grade headache for the last day or so. I'm hydrated and fueled properly. I am doing all the right things. The last 8 days have gone by rather quickly and I am thankful. My home is an alcohol free zone right now. H has removed the alcohol from his life for a month while I get my bearings. The removal has been a godsend. I cant live in my home/ sanctuary and obtain sobriety in a comfortable manner with alcohol in my presence on a daily basis. Given all these years of struggle, I do know what I need and how I am to gain solid footing. I cannot ask H to quit drinking entirely. He has his own path to walk. He did agree to a 30 day hiatus. We both were swimming in a sea of bottles and it was taking a toll on everyone.
When I look back on my posts over the years, I can see that one big problem I had was the alcohol that existed in both of our lives and how much discomfort this brought me/ us. Is this healthy? Do we live in an alcoholic marriage? These are questions that I have been quick to ask over the years and I think I know the answers without even voicing them or typing them on a forum. I have been looking into "codependent" ideas and arming myself with information so that I can remain solid no matter what is presented. Im only at the beginning but there is a difference in the way I think today as opposed to 3 years ago. I cant allow myself to get too far ahead in thought about the future due to the anxiety it causes. Im an anxious one. I always have been even with alcohol removed.
All the therapists/ psychologists I called have called me back stating they do not have any openings for new patients. Im starting to think the world is in therapy considering the amount of people I called. That is okay. I am going to open the phone book and get down to business in finding a professional. Start from the beginning and work my way down. I don't even think I own a phone book?......Internet search it is.
Its amazing what 8 days of abstinence can do. Can I imagine months? Yes, I can. One day at a time. Not getting too far ahead.
When I look back on my posts over the years, I can see that one big problem I had was the alcohol that existed in both of our lives and how much discomfort this brought me/ us. Is this healthy? Do we live in an alcoholic marriage? These are questions that I have been quick to ask over the years and I think I know the answers without even voicing them or typing them on a forum. I have been looking into "codependent" ideas and arming myself with information so that I can remain solid no matter what is presented. Im only at the beginning but there is a difference in the way I think today as opposed to 3 years ago. I cant allow myself to get too far ahead in thought about the future due to the anxiety it causes. Im an anxious one. I always have been even with alcohol removed.
All the therapists/ psychologists I called have called me back stating they do not have any openings for new patients. Im starting to think the world is in therapy considering the amount of people I called. That is okay. I am going to open the phone book and get down to business in finding a professional. Start from the beginning and work my way down. I don't even think I own a phone book?......Internet search it is.
Its amazing what 8 days of abstinence can do. Can I imagine months? Yes, I can. One day at a time. Not getting too far ahead.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Just wanted to share that I am seeing a lot of myself in your posts.
The desperation and desire to escape feelings struck a chord with me. That's where I was. I didn't realize just how bad alcohol was making my situation. Things were tough enough as they were, and alcohol made them worse.
I also see myself in the action your taking. The awareness of how much alcohol is making this worse. That things have to get rough before they get better. That professional help is needed. On and on.
I'm approaching 2years sober in April. So much has changed since then, it's crazy. I'm a different person altogether. A better person. One who can handle what life had to throw at me, for the most part anyway. Some of those curve balls are real doozies. But my focus is better than ever and I'm still able to keep my eye on the ball.
Keep doing what your doing. Really happy to see somebody like me make that transformation. Be patient. And most importantly, just don't drink.
Keep up the good work and I'm looking forward to seeing the new you transform in front of our eyes
The desperation and desire to escape feelings struck a chord with me. That's where I was. I didn't realize just how bad alcohol was making my situation. Things were tough enough as they were, and alcohol made them worse.
I also see myself in the action your taking. The awareness of how much alcohol is making this worse. That things have to get rough before they get better. That professional help is needed. On and on.
I'm approaching 2years sober in April. So much has changed since then, it's crazy. I'm a different person altogether. A better person. One who can handle what life had to throw at me, for the most part anyway. Some of those curve balls are real doozies. But my focus is better than ever and I'm still able to keep my eye on the ball.
Keep doing what your doing. Really happy to see somebody like me make that transformation. Be patient. And most importantly, just don't drink.
Keep up the good work and I'm looking forward to seeing the new you transform in front of our eyes
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I know what's it like to live with crisis after crisis and grief and loss as well. I too tried to drown my sorrows and numb my feelings...... keep strong and keep your chin up. Just don't drink! Good for you for looking for a therapist, I have found that to be very helpful in my recovery. It feels really good to start taking action.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
You ask if you live in an alcoholic marriage. Really, you were using alcohol to cope through all of those losses. I dont think it is helpful to classify anything in hindsight. I would urge you to stay in the present. Forgive yourself for the past. You did the best you could at the time. Period.
Your husband sounds supportive. Helping you as he can. You just have to do one day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
Grief is a bitch, she wants what she wants and alcohol is not the answer. I know that and you do as well. You are making great strides, I believe in you, and I wish you good luck.
Your husband sounds supportive. Helping you as he can. You just have to do one day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
Grief is a bitch, she wants what she wants and alcohol is not the answer. I know that and you do as well. You are making great strides, I believe in you, and I wish you good luck.
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Originally Posted by Incontrol15
Just wanted to share that I am seeing a lot of myself in your posts.
The desperation and desire to escape feelings struck a chord with me. That's where I was. I didn't realize just how bad alcohol was making my situation. Things were tough enough as they were, and alcohol made them worse.
I also see myself in the action your taking. The awareness of how much alcohol is making this worse. That things have to get rough before they get better. That professional help is needed. On and on.
I'm approaching 2years sober in April. So much has changed since then, it's crazy. I'm a different person altogether. A better person. One who can handle what life had to throw at me, for the most part anyway. Some of those curve balls are real doozies. But my focus is better than ever and I'm still able to keep my eye on the ball.
Keep doing what your doing. Really happy to see somebody like me make that transformation. Be patient. And most importantly, just don't drink.
Keep up the good work and I'm looking forward to seeing the new you transform in front of our eyes
The desperation and desire to escape feelings struck a chord with me. That's where I was. I didn't realize just how bad alcohol was making my situation. Things were tough enough as they were, and alcohol made them worse.
I also see myself in the action your taking. The awareness of how much alcohol is making this worse. That things have to get rough before they get better. That professional help is needed. On and on.
I'm approaching 2years sober in April. So much has changed since then, it's crazy. I'm a different person altogether. A better person. One who can handle what life had to throw at me, for the most part anyway. Some of those curve balls are real doozies. But my focus is better than ever and I'm still able to keep my eye on the ball.
Keep doing what your doing. Really happy to see somebody like me make that transformation. Be patient. And most importantly, just don't drink.
Keep up the good work and I'm looking forward to seeing the new you transform in front of our eyes
I am a long distance runner. The alcohol had made it so that I couldn't run and get out energy. Today, I ran strong. I felt my blood pumping. The strength in my legs is still there. I am my authentic self when I am using my body in a vigorous way. In an athletic way. I feel freedom in the deep breaths and in the movement. God, I have missed this.
Thank You for talking with me. I am grateful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
[QUOTE=CreativeThinker;6380979]((((Missuno))) I can relate more than you know;(! My oldest sister died of cancer in her 40's and I took a leave of absence to be with her and her family until the end. She told me that she didn't want me go through it with her, "I don't want you to get ****** up over this."
QUOTE]
Yes. My sister said this as well. She told me she worried more for me than for her self. She was scared that I would not be okay. What it would do to me and my reactions? Two days before her death, she asked me "Are you mad at me?" We had such a turbulent relationship. Lots of fighting due to being close in age. She was 16 months older. We also showed intense love and closeness. My reply to her , "Never Sis. Not in a million years, Sissy Lou!" She told me then "Dont ever let anyone call you Sissy Lou! That is my name for you."
She allowed me many times to lay in the bed with her and cry my eyes out. I couldn't help it. There is no feeling in the world like watching someone you love with everything expire in front of you. Helpless takes on a whole new meaning.
Where the sidewalk ends.
So, ummm......Now that I wrote all that and went into a sob fest, I can see that perhaps grief counseling will serve me well.
QUOTE]
Yes. My sister said this as well. She told me she worried more for me than for her self. She was scared that I would not be okay. What it would do to me and my reactions? Two days before her death, she asked me "Are you mad at me?" We had such a turbulent relationship. Lots of fighting due to being close in age. She was 16 months older. We also showed intense love and closeness. My reply to her , "Never Sis. Not in a million years, Sissy Lou!" She told me then "Dont ever let anyone call you Sissy Lou! That is my name for you."
She allowed me many times to lay in the bed with her and cry my eyes out. I couldn't help it. There is no feeling in the world like watching someone you love with everything expire in front of you. Helpless takes on a whole new meaning.
Where the sidewalk ends.
So, ummm......Now that I wrote all that and went into a sob fest, I can see that perhaps grief counseling will serve me well.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
My wife as she lay dying of cancer looked over at me by her bedside in Hospice. I was crying, she reached out and comforted me telling me it is okay honey. I said sweetie here you are comforting me, yet I should be helping you. She said that is what we do honey, we help each other out.
This forum is like that, we are all a bit broken in our own way, some stronger than others, you can post whatever you want to here. It is a safe space.
This forum is like that, we are all a bit broken in our own way, some stronger than others, you can post whatever you want to here. It is a safe space.
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Closing the day off with The Santa Clarita Diet. I have been hanging on here for the day and doing random things around the house. Our timing to move into our home has changed. We now move in two weeks. If I pack one box a day we will be ready to go on the 8th of April.
No cravings for alcohol. In fact, its the opposite. I am disgusted by the thought of drinking. I am blessed to be off the ride of death.
I will keep using this post as a check in. If it needs to be moved then please do.
Have a good night All!
No cravings for alcohol. In fact, its the opposite. I am disgusted by the thought of drinking. I am blessed to be off the ride of death.
I will keep using this post as a check in. If it needs to be moved then please do.
Have a good night All!
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