I need help again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I need help again
I started drinking again. No excuses, only the reason that I am dealing with a continued emotional crisis since January. I can't seem to find a new doctor who is a good fit. I want to go back to rehab, even just for a 2 week stay but they don't have any openings right now. I am waiting for a spot, it helped me last time and I think it will get me on the right foot.
I am not drinking today. I have a nurse coming in an hour to give me a shot and to talk to me. I reached out to my Karate maestro, he has been very kind and severe with me and if I miss a season he always calls to ask me why. I confessed my problem to him and asked him to continue to stay on my back about coming to train. It has been one good thing I have done for myself recently. The training is very difficult physically and mentally and this helps me, it is three times a week. But I obviously can't go if I've been drinking.
I know you are all so tired of me and my failures, I just don't know where to turn. I do so well for a while and then just crash. I don't understand how so many people escape this cycle and so many of us don't.
I'm not giving up though. No matter how embarrassing, no matter how shameful I feel I will keep coming here, I will keep reaching out for help here locally and will keep trying.
I am not drinking today. I have a nurse coming in an hour to give me a shot and to talk to me. I reached out to my Karate maestro, he has been very kind and severe with me and if I miss a season he always calls to ask me why. I confessed my problem to him and asked him to continue to stay on my back about coming to train. It has been one good thing I have done for myself recently. The training is very difficult physically and mentally and this helps me, it is three times a week. But I obviously can't go if I've been drinking.
I know you are all so tired of me and my failures, I just don't know where to turn. I do so well for a while and then just crash. I don't understand how so many people escape this cycle and so many of us don't.
I'm not giving up though. No matter how embarrassing, no matter how shameful I feel I will keep coming here, I will keep reaching out for help here locally and will keep trying.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi Mera - I'm not tired of you - I just wonder what problems you have where drinking seems to you to be the only viable coping strategy?
drinking is never a solution.,..it never drives change but promotes inertia and keeps the status quo in place.
Is there something you fear about living your life sober? Is there something you think you might lose?
D
drinking is never a solution.,..it never drives change but promotes inertia and keeps the status quo in place.
Is there something you fear about living your life sober? Is there something you think you might lose?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I don't know Dee, those are good questions, ones I that hadn't occurred to me. I don't know how to describe it really. I feel so amazing, life is simple and good and then I just ruin it- for no reason. My problem is I depend too much on other people. I was so depended on my doctor and then when he ended our work I crumbled. I haven't been able to find a new doctor whom I connect with.
I am going next week to see the psychologist at the rehab center, just for a session, she helps me a lot but it is hard to get to her regularly. The entire trip takes 5 hours total- driving there, one hour season, driving back. It is not realistic but for now I am trying to fit it in. But I need to find a way to walk this walk on my own two feet. I can't depend on people like I do.
Like today, calling my other psychiatrist and asking for someone to come to my home- I feel like a spoiled baby. I should be able to get myself together.
I am going next week to see the psychologist at the rehab center, just for a session, she helps me a lot but it is hard to get to her regularly. The entire trip takes 5 hours total- driving there, one hour season, driving back. It is not realistic but for now I am trying to fit it in. But I need to find a way to walk this walk on my own two feet. I can't depend on people like I do.
Like today, calling my other psychiatrist and asking for someone to come to my home- I feel like a spoiled baby. I should be able to get myself together.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I have no roped my karate instructor into the mix, asking him for support. It is manipulative.
I am NOT a bad person. I feel like I am so kind and nice and good inside but I do these crazy things like depend on my doctors to be available to me 24/7, unloading my problem on a random person like my karate instructor. ....
I am NOT a bad person. I feel like I am so kind and nice and good inside but I do these crazy things like depend on my doctors to be available to me 24/7, unloading my problem on a random person like my karate instructor. ....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
Mera- nup, not tired of you. Nup- you are not a failure. You are trying- always trying. You are reaching out and sharing. Nup- not embarrassing. Honesty is the corner stone of recovery- of anything to do with life that has meaning. Sharing helps de stress. Empathy, compassion and support to you. PJ
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
Mera, I'll take a leaf from your book (and mine) and be blunt with you. I remember a short while back you got fairly aggressive with your advice for people. I remember thinking at the time you were setting your self up for a fall. Then you gave up cigarettes. Now you tell of doing karate with a maestro.
It seems you reach high. Maybe out of reach?
You know the fake it 'til you make it thing. It doesn't mean be untrue to yourself. It means be yourself but be that part of your self that is sober. Even if that part is very small and weak. Be small and weak but be it whole heartedly and stay within that self no matter what. It's the trying to do so that creates the change. Not your imagination of what you would like that self to be like. That comes later. As you establish your self in the sober mode you can and will start to expand that reach into new uncovered parts that belong in the sober sphere. Gradually that grows so that one day you are all the things you imagine you should be, but not too much before. Be gentle with your self is my advice.
It seems you reach high. Maybe out of reach?
You know the fake it 'til you make it thing. It doesn't mean be untrue to yourself. It means be yourself but be that part of your self that is sober. Even if that part is very small and weak. Be small and weak but be it whole heartedly and stay within that self no matter what. It's the trying to do so that creates the change. Not your imagination of what you would like that self to be like. That comes later. As you establish your self in the sober mode you can and will start to expand that reach into new uncovered parts that belong in the sober sphere. Gradually that grows so that one day you are all the things you imagine you should be, but not too much before. Be gentle with your self is my advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Everyone loves me, my mom has been so supportive and has not given up on me. My children's father is harsh and angry with me but he still encourages me. People locally who know of my problem support me. My doctors want to see me succeed, except the one who fired me! They believe in me so much and I keep letting them and myself down.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by Grymt 
Mera, I'll take a leaf from your book (and mine) and be blunt with you. I remember a short while back you got fairly aggressive with your advice for people. I remember thinking at the time you were setting your self up for a fall. Then you gave up cigarettes. Now you tell of doing karate with a maestro.
It seems you reach high. Maybe out of reach?
You know the fake it 'til you make it thing. It doesn't mean be untrue to yourself. It means be yourself but be that part of your self that is sober. Even if that part is very small and weak. Be small and weak but be it whole heartedly and stay within that self no matter what. It's the trying to do so that creates the change. Not your imagination of what you would like that self to be like. That comes later. As you establish your self in the sober mode you can and will start to expand that reach into new uncovered parts that belong in the sober sphere. Gradually that grows so that one day you are all the things you imagine you should be, but not too much before. Be gentle with your self is my advice.
It seems you reach high. Maybe out of reach?
You know the fake it 'til you make it thing. It doesn't mean be untrue to yourself. It means be yourself but be that part of your self that is sober. Even if that part is very small and weak. Be small and weak but be it whole heartedly and stay within that self no matter what. It's the trying to do so that creates the change. Not your imagination of what you would like that self to be like. That comes later. As you establish your self in the sober mode you can and will start to expand that reach into new uncovered parts that belong in the sober sphere. Gradually that grows so that one day you are all the things you imagine you should be, but not too much before. Be gentle with your self is my advice.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Self doubt and self sabotage are things not unknown to most of us - neither is manipulation.
I think you've identified one problem here - you're relying on other people to fix you. That never works.
My getting sober was painful and lonely, but I'm glad it was because I came to rely on myself and trust my own judgement again.
It wasn't the way I wanted to do it but my drinking reached a level where I had no choice.
You're a bind because you're scared of being alone and scared of pain.
I think you need a really good female P-doc with impeccable boundaries, Mera.
I really hope you find one
D
I think you've identified one problem here - you're relying on other people to fix you. That never works.
My getting sober was painful and lonely, but I'm glad it was because I came to rely on myself and trust my own judgement again.
It wasn't the way I wanted to do it but my drinking reached a level where I had no choice.
You're a bind because you're scared of being alone and scared of pain.
I think you need a really good female P-doc with impeccable boundaries, Mera.
I really hope you find one
D
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
I started drinking again. No excuses, only the reason that I am dealing with a continued emotional crisis since January.
I sure there is more to it than what's in the post, but your reference to this long looming crisis, and the potential for unmet support and your dependence on it sounds like a pre-determined reason to drink.
Everything you need to get sober is in you.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you made it back, Mera.
One thing that jumps out at me in your posts here- and thinking back to the recent past and others, like Grymt said - you are telling on yourself now, after you started drinking again rather than before. One HUGE thing my sponsor and others have hammered home to me is that a relapse starts well before the first drink.....so sharing things like the struggle getting to and from a 5hr round trip dr visit, etc, would be some of your things to "fess up" to as they happen, best and quickest you can.
Example from my own life- here at 13 mo and change, I have had a week or so of plenty of days of emotional stress. I am active on the Feb Class 2016 thread and I share this stuff, pretty much "real time." That is one way I stay rigorously honest (I'm an AA-er) and work to make living amends(ex- recent times I have been selfish emotionally to my darling bf) and work on my side of the street, take responsibility, work on solutions, etc....
Just some thoughts for you - we are here, and I hope you can find IRL support that truly helps you quit for good.
One thing that jumps out at me in your posts here- and thinking back to the recent past and others, like Grymt said - you are telling on yourself now, after you started drinking again rather than before. One HUGE thing my sponsor and others have hammered home to me is that a relapse starts well before the first drink.....so sharing things like the struggle getting to and from a 5hr round trip dr visit, etc, would be some of your things to "fess up" to as they happen, best and quickest you can.
Example from my own life- here at 13 mo and change, I have had a week or so of plenty of days of emotional stress. I am active on the Feb Class 2016 thread and I share this stuff, pretty much "real time." That is one way I stay rigorously honest (I'm an AA-er) and work to make living amends(ex- recent times I have been selfish emotionally to my darling bf) and work on my side of the street, take responsibility, work on solutions, etc....
Just some thoughts for you - we are here, and I hope you can find IRL support that truly helps you quit for good.
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