iahabami

Friends: I am just new here and I have been in and out of recovery for 45 years. I have experienced extremes on both sides of the scale and am currently experiencing a complete change in my life mostly for the better, but I want to talk with someone that can really understand it. I have recently gotten a very good NA sponsor but I can't go into detail about this because he doesn't really understand it and I have met with some very spiritually deepened members of my faith but they don't really seem to understand the addiction and Wellbutrin effects. The closest I have come to getting the understanding I want has been from some from some native elders that carry the traditional and spiritual ways. Where can I go?

ljc267

I wish I could help, but I'm sure someone else here can.

Welcome to SR

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR iahabami. There are lots of folks here who have experience with addiction of all different kinds, what kind of questions specifically do you have? We aren't able to offer medical advice, so if you do have specific medical questions about a particular drug it's best to speak with a doctor or psychologist/counselor, but we have lots and lots of time and understanding to talk about addiction and recovery.

Anna

I agree with Scott. I think, if you can, you need to be a bit more specific here and I have a feeling that someone will come along who really understands where you are coming from.

Dee74

Hi iahabami - welcome

Like Anna says if you could give us a little more detail chances are we can give better responses

D

Grymt

I don't know where you are from or what faith you have. I'm guessing Bahai. I find that Anapana and Vipassana Meditation as taught by The Buddha and taught today by SN Goenka, in many meditation centres around the world, (see dhamm.org for details) to be a universal remedy for a universal malady. Including addiction and depression.

iahabami

I have gone through a devastating addiction to stimulants over many years that I tried to get out of with the help of NA and have had various periods of clean time and that addiction has mainly stopped for quite a while now. I have been dealing with mild depression most of my life and after a particularly bad period of using and getting into recovery for a couple of months I fell into a very deep depression for about 15 months. I was reluctant to take any medication for it because of my fear of addiction and wanted to stay clean in NA. After about 15 months I had an extremely profound spiritual awakening that was indescribable. It felt like God was keeping me safe and full of tremendous love, for about 3 weeks and gradually wore off. I accomplished something very important to me then but it was as if I did not learn the lessons I needed to. After 11.5 years I had a relapse but really I set myself up for it. I was on & off with recovery, trying to stay clean and work the steps to deal with my problems. A few times I tried various SSRI'S but was unable to handle the side effects and stopped after a couple of days and then I found Ciprolex which helped me quite a lot for a couple of years but the depression came back again and eventually became clinical depression about 4 yrs ago. I would not wish it on anyone, I was totally devoid of any emotions except for fear and anxiety, I wanted to sleep all the time but never got a good sleep. It felt like I was only surviving, not really living life. Last June 1st my Dr. started me on 150 mg of Wellbutrin which I didn't notice any change from but at the end of June he put it up to 300mg which had an immediate effect. At first I felt a glimpse of hope and love that I had not felt for a long time, then for two days I felt anxious and paranoid but not nearly as bad as with SSRI'S. Then it felt like an incredible weight was lifted off of me, I started to feel love for my family and started to really enjoy life again. That progressed until on Sept. 23 I had another profound spiritual awakening that I do not believe it was caused by the Wellbutrin but I don't think it could have happened without it. This time I was open to learn how I really should live my life. It was as if the real me was suddenly freed and I wanted to learn how to do God's Will and live honourably. It was incredibly overwhelming for about 3 weeks again. But I found that if I tried to live right it would come back for various lengths of time and differed in intensity. Now it is so incredibly overpowering when I listen to certain types of music. At times I feel like I love the whole world and have no resentment for anyone for anything that has happened to me in my life. I have such incredible love for the wellbeing of everyone and especially want to help the poor, homeless and needy people. I don't know if my experience is typical but I find it hard to find anyone that truly understands it. Do I need professional help or should I just go with it and see where it takes me. I am no longer afraid of what happens when we die but I so much want to live life for real.

Grymt

I think you should go and see a professional and not drink and learn to cope with depression and wild swings to high. Don't get caught up in what is happening to you.

Meraviglioso

Hello and welcome. It sounds like you have had a lot of challenged but are very strong in continuing to fight.
I want to be very careful with my words here because I don't want to take anything away from your experiences of having spiritual awakenings, they sound very powerful and important and real to you. That said, they do sound a little bit like you are having highs and lows and this could be due to the medication. I think you would do well to do some research and find a top psychiatrist who can help you with your medications. While it is good to feel better, unnatural highs are not what you need either.
I hope you understand my words are kind and I am not doubting that your religious awakening was real to you, I just want to make sure you have a solid plan with your doctor and your medications.

iahabami

Thank you Meraviglisio, your words are very helpful and much appreciated. In BC with medical, it doesn't cover psychiatrists let alone top notch ones except in extreme circumstances when prescribed by a doctor and I can't afford to pay for it so I have been looking at other sources. Do you think that a good Drug and Alcohol Counselor could help? The reason that I do not think that the experiences I have been having over the last 6 months are caused by the Wellbutrin is that I experienced very much the same thing 25 years ago when I was on no medication. This current experience has given meaning to my life, made me feel better and made it much easier to work the recovery steps, which is what I am doing with my sponsor. While I have experienced some incredible positive experiences I have also had some downtime where I feel "normal" but not at all depressed. Overall my experience has felt like the real me is able to function in my life. I haven't experienced any noticeable depression lately, I am preparing myself for the very real possibility. Working the Steps with my sponsor and trying to live my life honorably even when I don't feel like it is certainly helping. Thank You

iahabami

Thank you all for your help with my issues and I apologize for any misunderstandings I may have caused.The last thing I would ever want to do now is to drink or do drugs. I have a wealth of knowledge from the AA and NA programs which assure me that what I am experiencing is a healthy spiritual experience which will probably be different from everyone else. If you are familiar with the AA 12 Promises, they have all been fulfilled for me except that this hasn't come about as a result of working the Steps because I am still early in a thorough experience of doing them and I don't think that my first full set of Steps was when I was seriously depressed and unable to be thorough and honest. In NA we are told that we will lose the desire to use, and have found a new way to live. I feel like the spiritual nature that for so long has been hidden has now begun to surface. Love your friend in recovery Ron