The Most Dangerous Thought For Me
Brother of the Wolf
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Walking With Giants
Posts: 436
The Most Dangerous Thought For Me
It's not "I can handle it."
It's not "It'll be just the one."
It's "No one will know."
When that popped in my head last night, with no warning that I was aware of, I knew that I needed to do some Work. I immediately put together how easy it would be to get in my truck and go two minutes down the road to get a bottle. As soon as I was able to recognize those thoughts, I immediately played out the sleepless night I would have, the shaky and shameful morning, the struggle to not blow off my day and buy more, and the agony of detoxing again. Done. That was all I needed to tell that part of my brain that I was not in need of his services.
It's not "It'll be just the one."
It's "No one will know."
When that popped in my head last night, with no warning that I was aware of, I knew that I needed to do some Work. I immediately put together how easy it would be to get in my truck and go two minutes down the road to get a bottle. As soon as I was able to recognize those thoughts, I immediately played out the sleepless night I would have, the shaky and shameful morning, the struggle to not blow off my day and buy more, and the agony of detoxing again. Done. That was all I needed to tell that part of my brain that I was not in need of his services.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
That used to be a very dangerous thought for me too. And also what kept me drinking without admitting my problem. I became really good at lying to myself and when no one else knew about it I didn't have to justify my actions.
What helps me with this now are two things. One thing is, that I promised my partner to always tell him about my drinking. That's the only thing he ever asked me for and I take this very seriously. He's an alcoholic himself and asked me for total honesty with this after I admitted my drinking to him.
Just the thought of having to tell him makes it impossible for me to lie to myself about it. It's not that it "didn't happen" like I pretended when I kept my drinking a secret. It's much more real when I know I have to tell someone else about it. And I was okay with lying to myself but I am not okay with lying to my partner.
The second thing that helps me is to realise that this is the AV talking to me, trying to get me back on the "dark side". And someone would know about the drinking, me. And it would make me feel ashamed and horrible. I don't want to be that person anymore, I don't want to have secrets of that nature, I don't want to be ashamed of my actions.
What helps me with this now are two things. One thing is, that I promised my partner to always tell him about my drinking. That's the only thing he ever asked me for and I take this very seriously. He's an alcoholic himself and asked me for total honesty with this after I admitted my drinking to him.
Just the thought of having to tell him makes it impossible for me to lie to myself about it. It's not that it "didn't happen" like I pretended when I kept my drinking a secret. It's much more real when I know I have to tell someone else about it. And I was okay with lying to myself but I am not okay with lying to my partner.
The second thing that helps me is to realise that this is the AV talking to me, trying to get me back on the "dark side". And someone would know about the drinking, me. And it would make me feel ashamed and horrible. I don't want to be that person anymore, I don't want to have secrets of that nature, I don't want to be ashamed of my actions.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Not only is it a dangerous thought, it's a false one. As much as we liked to think that people didn't know, they know. There are too many telltale signs when we are/were drinking - even aside from the obvious ones. Good job on recognizing this and taking action!
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
I find that people tend towards automatic complicity in deception. If I pretend something hasn't or didn't happen or isn't happening, generally people will play along. If I believe that means noone except myself knows I'm probably fooling myself.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
I'm glad you played it through!
I haven't had those thoughts yet but the last time I got sober they hit. The problem is I have an Italian husband whose nose follows the normal size for said nationality and he can smell a pinhead drop of alcohol a football field away.
That kind of kept me safe............for a while.
Always play it through, it makes you be real!
I haven't had those thoughts yet but the last time I got sober they hit. The problem is I have an Italian husband whose nose follows the normal size for said nationality and he can smell a pinhead drop of alcohol a football field away.
That kind of kept me safe............for a while.
Always play it through, it makes you be real!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 425
I'm brand new, and I've done the rationalizing:
- a last drink to prevent the shakes (then realizing that I would only get more shakes)
- no one has to know
- maybe I'll be able to cut back or switch to beer/wine (rum is my poison)
Fortunately like you, I was able to think past the end of my nose and realize that I just needed to push forward.
- a last drink to prevent the shakes (then realizing that I would only get more shakes)
- no one has to know
- maybe I'll be able to cut back or switch to beer/wine (rum is my poison)
Fortunately like you, I was able to think past the end of my nose and realize that I just needed to push forward.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
A great thread - thanks SweatyHands 
The thing that kinda upsets me looking back is how little I valued myself back then.
Someone would know - me...and that really should be enough.
I'm glad I, and you guys, got there in the end
D
The thing that kinda upsets me looking back is how little I valued myself back then.
Someone would know - me...and that really should be enough.
I'm glad I, and you guys, got there in the end
D
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
I know people who thought they were "cured" or that they could surely "handle it" after a prolonged sober period (decades, in the case of one person). They were not cured. They could not handle it. They ended up right back where they were, or worse, quickly. I have no illusions I'm some special kind of alcoholic that can do what they could not. I always keep that in mind if the AV tries to play tricks on me.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
I'm cured because I finally stopped believing my lying AV, the one that says I can 'handle it'.
Once I accepted . all the way down, that I can in fact not 'handle it', that when I drank I was so in sync with my AV and feeding my Beast that I didn't care either way if I could handle it or not, once that part of me that actually did care, had had enough and I decided to quit for good, was when I was cured. I intend to stay cured too, I'm never changing my mind about that.
You know what though? My AV agrees "I am cured", but IT still thinks I could handle it, and I can < I handle my drinking the best I ever had, I quit
Once I accepted . all the way down, that I can in fact not 'handle it', that when I drank I was so in sync with my AV and feeding my Beast that I didn't care either way if I could handle it or not, once that part of me that actually did care, had had enough and I decided to quit for good, was when I was cured. I intend to stay cured too, I'm never changing my mind about that.
You know what though? My AV agrees "I am cured", but IT still thinks I could handle it, and I can < I handle my drinking the best I ever had, I quit
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