Gr8ful22

I'm feeling lost, and I'm not sure why. I have put some time in, sober for over 8 months now, but life seems to be getting harder. Have I been floating on the pink cloud all this time?

In the days since my last drink I have been 100% present in the life of my kids, their activities in school and sports consume most of my time when not at work. I have made a commitment to my fitness, began training and running competitively a few months into sobriety. I have also started to play baseball, and am preparing for the start of the season in a few weeks which is adding more training to my schedule. On top of all this, I also have a career that demands a serious commitment.

I have been in counseling for months, it began with the goal of repairing my relationship with my wife, but I found that there is not much there after 13 rollercoaster years with the old me behind the wheel. My therapist routinely applauds my personal accomplishments over this time, but I struggle to see it.

I do not have a desire to drink, I have not fantasized, I actually find it to be calming to think about the days immediately following my last drunk, the physical and legal problems that were present and know that I do not have those same worries today.

Has anyone else struggled to find themselves during that first year of sobriety?

Sorry for the long post, I felt the need to reach out tonight.

Mattq2

Hey gr8,
I've been sober about the same amount of time as you. I seem to get down in the dumps from time to time. In contrast though I really e joy most days. I think now that I'm sober I feel everything in a stronger way. That means the good and the bad. So are you feeling down all the time? Maybe you should talk to your doc about it.

Congrats on eight months my friend. I know how tough it is

OscarDoes

Gr8ful22,
I am impressed you were able to accomplish so many positive changes in your life in such a relatively short time frame. Clearly, you are a determined person with great compassion and will power. For me, re-inventing a healthy self takes time, and it is natural to experience highs and lows; for these highs and lows were previously deadened by alcohol. Keep up the good work.

Dee74

I think it's important to have a balanced life.

Work and doing stuff with the kids is great but I think a lot of us shy away from things purely for ourselves, or we push ourselves relentlessly at home and work cos we feel guilty about how much we weren't 'there' in the past?

You've made a start with baseball and running etc so that's great

If you think you might be depressed that's not uncommon after a massive life change either, Have you spoken to your therapist about it at all?

D

Done4today

Congrats on 8 months Gr8ful.

You're doing great don't lose faith.

Good luck and many prayers

Steely

Yes, I am finding it difficult to find myself during this first year of sobriety Gr8ful. Like you, it is not the need or want for a drink, it is the restructuring of myself that is so depressing and so tiring. Feel empty.

The only solution I can see is doing the things that you have started to do for YOURSELF, so that restructure can take place. That how I see it, as don't want to remain an empty vessel.

I think we have to rebuild ourselves, and 12 months sobriety is not going to deliver that overnight. Just got to keep working at it. My very best to you.

MythOfSisyphus

Yeah, that first year is hard. It's kind of like waking up in the pilot's chair of a jumbo that's in the process of crashing! You don't even remember boarding the plane much less flying it but now you have to take the stick and pull out of the spin. It can be daunting! But it does get better. And it's worth it.

Gr8ful22

Thanks Dee. I have talked about depression, it is a concern of mine as I have witnessed severe episodes in my family throughout my life. He does not seem to have too much concern with me. I do think that I am having trouble with "feeling" the hard times sober. I have noticed that I will personalize a lot more than I used to when I was numb to it all.

I will continue to work on balance and be a little selfish with what makes me feel fulfilled.

LBrain

Aside from the advice given, yes, I was completely lost in the first year. But I kept going, knowing that drinking was behind me and I was heading toward the light at the other end of the tunnel. The tunnel is longer for some than others, just keep going forward.

2ndhandrose

Gr8ful22

I was all over the place in my first year sober. No kidding.

I have recently passed 2 years sober and my life and myself are starting to make some sense to me.

I am feeling some real joy going through my days.

I believe it will keep getting better and it will for you, too

Anna

Oh yes, I was so totally lost, I felt like I had disappeared from my life. I really had to start from scratch and figure out who I was and what I wanted and needed out of life. You will get through this and congratulations on 8 months of recovery and the lifestyle changes you've made.

Chuck39

Thank you for sharing this, it's important to hear. Similarly, I have had 13 years of a rollercoaster relationship and marriage which was deadened by alcohol and constant distractions. Actually dealing with it now -- sober -- is not fun. Glad to hear you have a counselor, I do as well and we're fortunate to have that extra resource to help sort through all this. Others are not so lucky. I hope some sort of clarity comes for you soon and you can begin enjoying all of the fruits of your labor. It sounds like you work hard and you deserve to pat yourself on the back for that, ON TOP OF 8 months sober. That is huge! Hang in there Gr8ful.

Sasha4

I still feel a bit lost sometimes - usually when I think life over too much.

I live quite a quiet life now.
I'm not good without structure.
I work full time and average about 60 hours a week.
I don't like being alone with my own thoughts too much!!

I do think that when I drank, I just accepted that was what life was about.
I never challenged anything.
I was never passionate about anything.
I had very little faith in myself.

The pink cloud did wear off for me but I don't think it lasts forever for anyone.
I do have days when I wonder what the point is.
Before I frighten anyone into thinking I am having suicidal thoughts, I'm not, but I do have days when I wonder what it is all about.

They are usually days when I am sat in traffic for hours, in the rain, driving to a work appointment that has been double booked so I could have stayed at home and caught up with admin.

Or days when I finish work and think I will buy something nice for tea and realise I have left my cash card somewhere so have no means to pay.
Then I have to retrace my steps to see where I might have left my card and then I am late picking up my daughter so have to pay a fine at daycare and that means no nice tea for the next few days.

Those sort of days, I just go to bed early!!

Steely

I sometimes have those " what's it all about moments" Sasha and am helped by what an old friend of mine said when I asked him about the meaning of life. He was a lot older than me, and I thought he was wise.

It was pretty simple in that he said "it's what you make of it yourself." He was an old miner and wrote an history of the Miners Federation, here in Australia. He gave me a copy of his book in which he had inscribed"


It has always remained with me because it is so elegantly true."