From love to hate in just 1 second
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 45
From love to hate in just 1 second
I don't know if I've completely lost my mind or if I've just found it, it's a very strange feeling. I posted last week about my husbands relapse. Then followed up about how he said that his word about not drinking should be enough amd I was crazy for acting hurt. But, he wasn't drinking so I was fighting myself about having hope that he'd do the right thing and fight for us.
I was so emotional today and he was off work. The more I fought back tears the more he told me I was crazy and mentally unstable and needed to let it go because he wasn't drinking. I threw a vase across the room when he started laughing at me telling me I was insane, I just couldn't take it and snapped.
I calmed down, cleaned up, my kids came home and he went to bed. Later, said he was going fishing. He came back with Windows down, music blaring and just sitting in the car like he forgot he was supposed to turn it off. I knew what that meant. He smelled like alcohol for 10 feet away and could barely speak but still said I was crazy thinking je was drinking. He came in close to me and I pushed him away, telling him to get away while he was drunk. Well, drunk as he was, the push knocked h off balance and he fell back over a bench and may have broken his tooth, not sure, he was pretty passed as he tried to get up. I locked myself in the house before I got the chance to find out. Luckily, he's so drunk that he couldn't enter the key code right. I packed up his work clothes for the week, work shoes and phone and charger and left it on the hood of his car that is sitting dead in my driveway which he turned out to be sleeping in.
I get a text saying that he loved me, past tense, but I'm completely crazy and need to get help. He's right. This did make me crazy and I do need help, so I'm starting by severing the ties with him and letting go.
It's almost easier now than it was this afternoon because I see that he's not the man I loved anymore. That man is gone, I will grieve him, but this replacement is like something that came from pet cemetery, just his shell.
I've gone from being so sad, devastated and worried I was making the wrong decision about breaking up and standingyou boundaries, but all in that 1 second that he went down from a push that would never have even made his shift his spot sober (he's very strong), the love drained out of me and I was just done. Certain with no doubts. Done. Maybe this will hit me hard very soon, but for now, I'm too busy being there for my kids and trying to find a replacement for him since he was supposed to help me make a China Cabinet delivery on friday (I custom refinish furniture for a living). One more thing he's let me down and left me own my own with. I am kind of afraid of what the aftermath of this is going to be, he's broke with nowhere to go and I just transferred the money out of our account so I can pay bills before he blows it on vodka and drunk spending. For the first time ever, I don't care at all where he goes or how he ends up.
I was so emotional today and he was off work. The more I fought back tears the more he told me I was crazy and mentally unstable and needed to let it go because he wasn't drinking. I threw a vase across the room when he started laughing at me telling me I was insane, I just couldn't take it and snapped.
I calmed down, cleaned up, my kids came home and he went to bed. Later, said he was going fishing. He came back with Windows down, music blaring and just sitting in the car like he forgot he was supposed to turn it off. I knew what that meant. He smelled like alcohol for 10 feet away and could barely speak but still said I was crazy thinking je was drinking. He came in close to me and I pushed him away, telling him to get away while he was drunk. Well, drunk as he was, the push knocked h off balance and he fell back over a bench and may have broken his tooth, not sure, he was pretty passed as he tried to get up. I locked myself in the house before I got the chance to find out. Luckily, he's so drunk that he couldn't enter the key code right. I packed up his work clothes for the week, work shoes and phone and charger and left it on the hood of his car that is sitting dead in my driveway which he turned out to be sleeping in.
I get a text saying that he loved me, past tense, but I'm completely crazy and need to get help. He's right. This did make me crazy and I do need help, so I'm starting by severing the ties with him and letting go.
It's almost easier now than it was this afternoon because I see that he's not the man I loved anymore. That man is gone, I will grieve him, but this replacement is like something that came from pet cemetery, just his shell.
I've gone from being so sad, devastated and worried I was making the wrong decision about breaking up and standingyou boundaries, but all in that 1 second that he went down from a push that would never have even made his shift his spot sober (he's very strong), the love drained out of me and I was just done. Certain with no doubts. Done. Maybe this will hit me hard very soon, but for now, I'm too busy being there for my kids and trying to find a replacement for him since he was supposed to help me make a China Cabinet delivery on friday (I custom refinish furniture for a living). One more thing he's let me down and left me own my own with. I am kind of afraid of what the aftermath of this is going to be, he's broke with nowhere to go and I just transferred the money out of our account so I can pay bills before he blows it on vodka and drunk spending. For the first time ever, I don't care at all where he goes or how he ends up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
My XAH used to say that I was crazy and unstable. When he finally sobered up he confessed that what he meant that I was crazy for staying with him. I am now cured.
This dude sounds like an albatross around your neck IMO.
This dude sounds like an albatross around your neck IMO.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 45
Thanks Nata! I'm 1980 too btw. Crazy how a year of sobriety build up a whole new life for us and one decision almost a year to the day of sobriety, he through it all away amd just can't see it. He really believes that our downfall has nothing to do with him drinking and everything to do with me being nuts. Coincidentally, I became nuts and mean the same time he relapsed, but it's in my head. So freaking angry!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
M,
I am not sure of who owns the home, but you might want to get some legal advice regarding kicking him out. If cops come and he is on the papers, he can stay. Usually legal advice is free for the first attorney's visit. Look into it with all your questions and be educated.
I know you are disappointed about his drinking. Obviously you have a lot of anger towards him. (which we all understand), but you are going to have to learn to leave when he is drunk. You have kids around and they don't need to see or hear you guys fighting.
Have you been to any alanon meetings yet. This is a great resource for you on how to deal with all your anger. I had a lot of rage too, but then I couldn't stand myself for all the anger I had. It was a horrible time in my life.
Keep posting, keep reading as education is power. Make sure you follow the law as this could escalate and then you will have a very angry drunk on your hands.
Stay safe my friend!!
I am not sure of who owns the home, but you might want to get some legal advice regarding kicking him out. If cops come and he is on the papers, he can stay. Usually legal advice is free for the first attorney's visit. Look into it with all your questions and be educated.
I know you are disappointed about his drinking. Obviously you have a lot of anger towards him. (which we all understand), but you are going to have to learn to leave when he is drunk. You have kids around and they don't need to see or hear you guys fighting.
Have you been to any alanon meetings yet. This is a great resource for you on how to deal with all your anger. I had a lot of rage too, but then I couldn't stand myself for all the anger I had. It was a horrible time in my life.
Keep posting, keep reading as education is power. Make sure you follow the law as this could escalate and then you will have a very angry drunk on your hands.
Stay safe my friend!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I think it's a big step to realize that the person you married is really gone. Nobody gets married expecting that their partner will morph into someone unrecognizable, but it happens. I have a friend who calls this experience "death without a funeral", because your spouse's body is still out there walking around (or sitting around and drinking), but the person you knew is gone. It's really sad, but I think it's an important moment for growth.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Dealing with alcoholism will drive you crazy. Towards the end of her drinking I got so wound up in my own head over it all I came closer than I can believe to punching my wife over her cleaning out the fishpond- because I liked the tadpoles in there. I actually got the tunnel vision and something of the red mist some talk about. Instead I had a nasty screaming fight with her over it right in front of our 4yr old. Crazed.. yes... this stuff will wind you up past endurance if you let it- but I brought my share of the crazy to the show as well.
I have shared that in several meetings some AA's and I carry into detoxes & psych wards, one of the patients mentioned I might have anger issues
I often share that Alanon has saved my butt, and this is one of the items on the list of reasons why- I share that too. The patients are usually acquainted with AA/NA but frequently have never heard of Alanon & most are qualified.
I have shared that in several meetings some AA's and I carry into detoxes & psych wards, one of the patients mentioned I might have anger issues
I often share that Alanon has saved my butt, and this is one of the items on the list of reasons why- I share that too. The patients are usually acquainted with AA/NA but frequently have never heard of Alanon & most are qualified.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by maia1234 
M,
I am not sure of who owns the home, but you might want to get some legal advice regarding kicking him out. If cops come and he is on the papers, he can stay. Usually legal advice is free for the first attorney's visit. Look into it with all your questions and be educated.
I know you are disappointed about his drinking. Obviously you have a lot of anger towards him. (which we all understand), but you are going to have to learn to leave when he is drunk. You have kids around and they don't need to see or hear you guys fighting.
Have you been to any alanon meetings yet. This is a great resource for you on how to deal with all your anger. I had a lot of rage too, but then I couldn't stand myself for all the anger I had. It was a horrible time in my life.
Keep posting, keep reading as education is power. Make sure you follow the law as this could escalate and then you will have a very angry drunk on your hands.
Stay safe my friend!!
I am not sure of who owns the home, but you might want to get some legal advice regarding kicking him out. If cops come and he is on the papers, he can stay. Usually legal advice is free for the first attorney's visit. Look into it with all your questions and be educated.
I know you are disappointed about his drinking. Obviously you have a lot of anger towards him. (which we all understand), but you are going to have to learn to leave when he is drunk. You have kids around and they don't need to see or hear you guys fighting.
Have you been to any alanon meetings yet. This is a great resource for you on how to deal with all your anger. I had a lot of rage too, but then I couldn't stand myself for all the anger I had. It was a horrible time in my life.
Keep posting, keep reading as education is power. Make sure you follow the law as this could escalate and then you will have a very angry drunk on your hands.
Stay safe my friend!!
I sold my own home from a life before him and used that to move, kept everything in my name except one bank account. I kept a separate account with a stash just in case of emergency too, he was bad at saving so I kept it a secret, glad I did.
He came home drunk from fishing, I saw him before he got in the house and never let him in because of the kids. They have school in the morning and I can not just leave with 4 kids 2 dogs and w cats, he just can't come in. I changed the key code and told him that I'll call 911 if he triesaid to come here while the kids are home at all or while he has been drinking.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by Mlo1125
Thanks. We moved last year cross country and I wasn't secure in his sobriety and planned on making sure I could take care of everything on my own, just in case, so we rented and he is purposely not on the lease or any of the bills. I had hope, but prepared just in case. We're not legally married yet, hate the word fiance, we've lived together for years and were supposed to marry this month.
He came home drunk from fishing, I saw him before he got in the house and never let him in because of the kids. They have school in the morning and I can not just leave with 4 kids 2 dogs and w cats, he just can't come in. I changed the key code and told him that I'll call 911 if he triesaid to come here while the kids are home at all or while he has been drinking.
He came home drunk from fishing, I saw him before he got in the house and never let him in because of the kids. They have school in the morning and I can not just leave with 4 kids 2 dogs and w cats, he just can't come in. I changed the key code and told him that I'll call 911 if he triesaid to come here while the kids are home at all or while he has been drinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Mlo,
First I want to talk to you about your behavior. Don't get me wrong, I do totally understand it. I've done the same things.
In a way, they push our buttons and push our buttons, because they want us to lose it. There was no reason for him to come back and to blast that radio.
See, I think sometimes they have this fight going on inside of their head and they are looking for someone to participate in it, so that they don't look crazy, and yea, they will follow you around the house and verbally, emotionally abuse you, just taunt you, till you feel you can't take it anymore. They want you to look crazy !!!!!!
I've been through the Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde thing also. It's infuriating. One of the ways that I got through some of those was when I just sat there and watched. I watched his face change, watched his eyes change, watched his total stance and personality change. I watched while my ex was battling something in his head, but it wasn't me, I realized that I volunteered for that part of it.
I'm happy to hear that you have hit your bottom. I didn't hit my bottom, till I worried more about his safety from me, then I worried about my safety from him. I got to the point that I no longer cared if he killed me, I just didn't want to kill him.
I'm only telling you what I went through, so that you can do what you need to have a better life, before you get to the point that I got to.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
First I want to talk to you about your behavior. Don't get me wrong, I do totally understand it. I've done the same things.
In a way, they push our buttons and push our buttons, because they want us to lose it. There was no reason for him to come back and to blast that radio.
See, I think sometimes they have this fight going on inside of their head and they are looking for someone to participate in it, so that they don't look crazy, and yea, they will follow you around the house and verbally, emotionally abuse you, just taunt you, till you feel you can't take it anymore. They want you to look crazy !!!!!!
I've been through the Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde thing also. It's infuriating. One of the ways that I got through some of those was when I just sat there and watched. I watched his face change, watched his eyes change, watched his total stance and personality change. I watched while my ex was battling something in his head, but it wasn't me, I realized that I volunteered for that part of it.
I'm happy to hear that you have hit your bottom. I didn't hit my bottom, till I worried more about his safety from me, then I worried about my safety from him. I got to the point that I no longer cared if he killed me, I just didn't want to kill him.
I'm only telling you what I went through, so that you can do what you need to have a better life, before you get to the point that I got to.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by amy55
Hi Mlo,
First I want to talk to you about your behavior. Don't get me wrong, I do totally understand it. I've done the same things.
In a way, they push our buttons and push our buttons, because they want us to lose it. There was no reason for him to come back and to blast that radio.
See, I think sometimes they have this fight going on inside of their head and they are looking for someone to participate in it, so that they don't look crazy, and yea, they will follow you around the house and verbally, emotionally abuse you, just taunt you, till you feel you can't take it anymore. They want you to look crazy !!!!!!
I've been through the Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde thing also. It's infuriating. One of the ways that I got through some of those was when I just sat there and watched. I watched his face change, watched his eyes change, watched his total stance and personality change. I watched while my ex was battling something in his head, but it wasn't me, I realized that I volunteered for that part of it.
I'm happy to hear that you have hit your bottom. I didn't hit my bottom, till I worried more about his safety from me, then I worried about my safety from him. I got to the point that I no longer cared if he killed me, I just didn't want to kill him.
I'm only telling you what I went through, so that you can do what you need to have a better life, before you get to the point that I got to.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
First I want to talk to you about your behavior. Don't get me wrong, I do totally understand it. I've done the same things.
In a way, they push our buttons and push our buttons, because they want us to lose it. There was no reason for him to come back and to blast that radio.
See, I think sometimes they have this fight going on inside of their head and they are looking for someone to participate in it, so that they don't look crazy, and yea, they will follow you around the house and verbally, emotionally abuse you, just taunt you, till you feel you can't take it anymore. They want you to look crazy !!!!!!
I've been through the Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde thing also. It's infuriating. One of the ways that I got through some of those was when I just sat there and watched. I watched his face change, watched his eyes change, watched his total stance and personality change. I watched while my ex was battling something in his head, but it wasn't me, I realized that I volunteered for that part of it.
I'm happy to hear that you have hit your bottom. I didn't hit my bottom, till I worried more about his safety from me, then I worried about my safety from him. I got to the point that I no longer cared if he killed me, I just didn't want to kill him.
I'm only telling you what I went through, so that you can do what you need to have a better life, before you get to the point that I got to.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
The radio blaring and Windows down and him sitting in the running car has only ever happened when he was drinking. He's normally reserved and hates drawing attention to himself, Windows up radio low and very quiet. Seeing and hearing him pull up just let me know he was drunk before he even got out of the car. I reported him for drunk driving a couple of years ago and he only got his license back in July, I couldn't believe he would do that again.
After his last 3 month horrible relapse and a 3 month rehab, I was cautiously optimistic, so I gave him a chance to build back the trust, he did, and we moved forward with our life nicely. Than BAM he has an issue with his ex wife about their son, shuts down and goes back to vodka. I just can't do it anymore.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
IDK, it seems like he has a really big problem dealing with things, or he uses that as an excuse to get drunk. I am an alcoholic. I had a big problem dealing with things, especially my abusive ex. I drank to deal with that. I needed to learn how to deal with things without a dependency on alcohol. I did that.
A lot of what I was reading in your initial post here was how "blaming" he is, that you are crazy, you are unstable, and that there isn't anyway that he is going to look at himself and his problem. How he was invalidating your feelings. This is just pure bs and manipulation so that he can continue to drink.
Just know, I don't think he is going to find his own place. He's going to either bully you or Mr Hyde might come out for awhile, don't expect that to last though.
((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
A lot of what I was reading in your initial post here was how "blaming" he is, that you are crazy, you are unstable, and that there isn't anyway that he is going to look at himself and his problem. How he was invalidating your feelings. This is just pure bs and manipulation so that he can continue to drink.
Just know, I don't think he is going to find his own place. He's going to either bully you or Mr Hyde might come out for awhile, don't expect that to last though.
((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 45
Thanks Amy. I especially appreciate hearing from your side of the fence, so really, thank you. What you said is spot on. That was my boundary this time, just not drinking wasn't enough, if he wanted to stay with me and earning my trust, he had to be working toward figuring out ways to deal with the things that led up to relapse. He's anti aa and everything else because he so unique, ya know? I told him I didn't care or need to know what it was that he chose to do about it, as long as it was something... even if it was a self help book, which we have in the house! How to quit drinking and recover without AA... he just didn't want to face anything. It's very cowardly. I got about 10 texts from him sleeping in his car about how I'm bullying him and treating him so bad right now and he will never forgive me. My only response was, if you had come home sober, you'd be in bed right now. You made the choice. It's Definitely not my decision.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I see, you got about 10 texts from him while he is in the car accusing you of bullying him, treating him bad, and that he will never forgive you. He is blaming you again for his actions. Then what? He is sober so you let him back in and everything is OK till the next time, wash, rinse, repeat?
I'm really on both sides of the fence. I also went through what you are going through. He wants you to feel sooooo, soooo, sorry for him now. He wants you to go out there and rescue him, so that he can yell at you and blame you. If you don't, he will yell at you and scream at you tomorrow. Better for you to get a good night sleep, and keep the doors locked.
amy
I'm really on both sides of the fence. I also went through what you are going through. He wants you to feel sooooo, soooo, sorry for him now. He wants you to go out there and rescue him, so that he can yell at you and blame you. If you don't, he will yell at you and scream at you tomorrow. Better for you to get a good night sleep, and keep the doors locked.
amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I completely lost my s**t with my exah during one of his I am not drunk it's you who is insane tirades as he peed allover the sofa and staggered around dragging curtains off the rail. I know in that moment I was capable of hurting him and I locked myself in the dining room until he moved out temporarily. We were never in the same space again. I was done. He subsequently bullied the house out of me by using the same manipulation he used on me on my adult kids. One of my daughter calls me crazy beatch behind my back. I am not . I was just at the end of my rope.
I doubt he will go without a fight. Active alcoholics only do what suits them and are very entitled. I'd see a lawyer asap.
I doubt he will go without a fight. Active alcoholics only do what suits them and are very entitled. I'd see a lawyer asap.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Your "Pet Cemetary" analogy is so true..I know its not funny, but I had to giggle a little. My xah permanently became that shell of a person too. Its so sad. They were such good people before alcohol/drugs took them over. I know deep inside that good person is still there somewhere. I suppose they don't call is a bottle of spirits for nothing.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am very familiar with these feelings. When my marriage ended, I was as sick as he was. Hurt, mad, filled with anxiety, all sorts of horrible feelings that was making me, and those around me, sick.
Take good care of you and your kids, and move forward, one step at a time.
Take good care of you and your kids, and move forward, one step at a time.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
