DrukPem

Hi, I'm 22 and my mother is An alcoholic and at denial. She refuses to take any help and she becomes very violent when she drunk. When I was 10years old my father started working as a UN volunteer and was always away from home and my mum raised the three kids, 25year old sister,who is married and living with her husband, me and my younger brother who is 20 and still studying in college. She started drinking when I was 15 and use to be very abusive and violent, so I left home at 17 and stayed out for 5years but recently she has started to become very weak and doesn't even eat food. so I quit my job and came to take care of her and feed her time to time. My brother refuses come home n my sister always tells me to rehabilitate mum but my mother doesn't listen n I don't know how to take against her will. I don't wish to bail on her I want to make her the same person I knew before. I have started controlling her flow of money so she doesn't buy alcohol but her friends buy for her anyway even after me scolding them. please help, I don't know what to do !

honeypig

Welcome to SR, DrukPem. I'm sorry you find yourself in such a sad spot regarding your mother. The first thing I want to tell you is that you are NOT responsible for her, not in any way. She is an adult and has the right to her own decisions, however poor they may be. Don't let your sister or anyone else tell you that it's up to YOU to make your mom get sober.

I hope you will spend time reading around this forum, especially the stickies at the top of the page. It sounds as if you don't know much about alcoholism, and this will be a way for you to start learning.

I also want to strongly, STRONGLY recommend Alanon for you. Alanon is a group for anyone whose life is being affected by someone else's drinking. They are a tremendous resource for both education and face-to-face support, and I really hope you will find a meeting and go ASAP.

Please keep reading and posting--there is both hope and help for you.

MicroMacro

Hi

You can't make your mom do something she doesn't want to do or be something she isn't. What you can do is set your own boundaries. You can let her know you won't visit when she's drinking. You can start buying her groceries yourself (are you her sole source of income? If so - why?) instead of giving her money. You can stop taking her calls when you know she's drunk. Essentially - you can protect your peace as much as possible.

The rest is out of your control. Unless she's a danger to herself or someone else. If that's the case, you could enlist the help of authorities.

You might also want to research interventions and speak with your siblings about putting one together for her where everybody shows up. Interventions tend to get people's attention.

Best.

atalose

Sadly, there really is nothing you can do. As you are witnessing first hand, trying to control an alcoholic is futile.

If these friends of hers can buy and bring her alcohol, they can also bring her food. This is the life she keeps choosing every day and until she makes a different choice, nothing except your frustration is going to change.

Al-anon would be a great place for you to check out and get involved with.

We are not uncaring, unloving people here towards alcoholics but some paths traveled just don’t work, we know, because we came from there.

DrukPem

Hello, thankyou so much for trying to help me n I did research on alanon. But the near place of meeting 2500kms, I m from an isolated country n yes I m reading as much as I can about alcoholism.

DrukPem

Hello, thankyou for replying. And no my mum gets money from my father and sister too. And we have kept interventions before but she gets really angry about it and shouts at everyone who came to talk to her. When I tell her about how I sacrificed my life to take care of her, she talks about how this might be in my fate only to do that just like her it was her fate to drink :/

DrukPem

Thankyou so much for replying. I did try alanon but the nearest meeting happens 2447 kms away from where I live. I belong to an isolated country. Anyway thankyou so much for replying

SparkleKitty

But YOU know that's not true, right? Not unless you choose that. You can choose differently.

Maudcat

Hi, DrukPem. Welcome to SR. As others have posted, keep reading and learning about alcohol dependency, particularly with regard to the families of the alcoholic. It is called the family disease because it profoundly affects everyone in the family, not just alcoholic.
Your mother has chosen her path. You must choose yours. Boundaries that YOU set, as mentioned by an earlier poster, will help.
The sense around here is that alcoholics should experience the ramifications of their actions. That when we help them, though done with love and with the best intentions, by buying food, cleaning up after them, making excuses, we shield them from consequences, and perhaps an opportunity to change.
Hard as it is, let your mom be. Live your life. You are way too young to be anyone's caretaker. She is an adult and making her own choices.
Keep checking in. There is a lot of support here.

hopeful4

Hello, I am so glad you are here.

Keep posting, SR is a place of great support. You are not alone.

Sasha4

You need to leave your mum to sort out it herself.

As harsh as that sounds, you are 22 years old and you need to be leading your own life, not babysitting your mum.

Your sister and brother are taking advantage of you.
If you left and let them know you have left, they would have to become more involved and push all the burden onto to you.

Your dad also needs to step up and take some responsibility.
This is not fair on you.
He needs to remember that despite his job, charity starts at home right?

Do you have maternal grandparents?
Can you alert them to this situation?

Please please look after yourself.
Put your self first.

Berrybean

Might still be worth a phone call, as there may well be other members near you who also have a long way to travel, and who can maybe chat with you. There are also lots of online alanon resources available. Alanon helps people establish healthy boundaries, find acceptance and serenity and not become emotional hostages to their Alcoholic.

If there is an Open AA meeting near you, that would also be worth considering for different reasons. The folk there would help you gain insight into where your mum is at and the fact that drinking in just one symptom of alcoholism. That's why it's such a hard cycle to break.

Wishing you all the best.
BB

DrukPem

My father had taken a 90days leave recently but through that time my mother literally harassed my father emotionally, I saw it ! He told me to stay here for atleast a year's time and that he will get back .. that's my only ray of hope

And no both my grandparents died long time ago, she does have 2 siblings but when I call them they say "she is like that only what can we do." so they have given up too

I m trying my best to focus on my own life n be there only when she calls me for food n water other than that I have stopped talking with her

Berrybean

Was going to add, if you haven't posted this thread in the freinds and family area as well, it would be a good idea to do so. There are many people there who have walked this road ahead of you.

One thing that interests me though is how funny and clever alcoholics can be at securing booze. They'll find friends to deliver, walk miles in pyjamas, steal or whatever. Yet the task normal food and water is beyond them? No, it's not. Alcoholics are very good at getting everyone running round after them so that they can ignore responsibility for themselves. And when the proverbial hits the fan, who will they blame? Their hostages. Their carers. That's you and the alcohol delivery crew in your mum's case. It's called enabling, and you have a choice about this.

Good luck.

MarkTwain

Uh oh, I wish the the best of luck and I hope you find your way through this, but neither you nor I nor anyone else can change someone else. Can't be done. You'll just destroy yourself trying.