suzyontour

I have started posting quite regularly on her and have learned a lot. I am also attending Alanon and have a counsellor so even though I seem to be doing all the right things and I am no contact 4 weeks today (bare minimal as we have a daughter together) I am struggling with so many things. Since I got up this morning my mind has been racing all about him my AH. I try to keep pulling things back to me but its so hard as i'm sure you all know.

I know I can never go back with him but I have to be honest I so wish he would turn around and say' Right that's it i'm going to go to AA and do a 12 step programme' and save our marriage. But as the days turn into weeks and he's comfortably tucked away at his mums doing as he pleases when he pleases, I know its just that 'A wish'

He admits he's an alcoholic and says he will get help eventually, I think he's searching for his 'Rock bottom' as such. Problem is i've hit my rock bottom and know I must move forward.

is it normal to hope? Might he? Just maybe?

He spends his days working (he's a hard worker) and his nights drinking. The truth is he's doing what he wants to do and that means he doesn't want us. That's hard to take.

I do have good days my posts are often positive but I have such terribly bad days as well. Days where I just think about him and it hurts knowing he isn't thinking about me.

Im a teacher and have 2 hours free and don't know how to cope at times. This site has been a total life line for me.

Please don't think I am wallowing in it I'm not, I'm just trying to deal with these contradictory thought patterns

I love him and want him to get well so we can be a family
and
He's never going to change so why would I put myself or my daughter through it again?

Sometimes I dread the thought of waking up in the morning like I am in some kind of nightmare.

I also mull over where about in the scale of alcoholism is he? I know its progressive and is a sickness of the mind (selfishness, lack of empathy, dishonesty, lack of accountability etc etc) But are there still glimmers of love for me in his sick mind occasionally?are there moments of wanting to sort himself out? Does he deep down want to be well and at home again in the future?

I know your all going to say 'It doesn't matter about him, its about you and your daughter' I know that but it doesn't stop that last feint trickle of hope that resides in the core of me and causes me to question?

No contact One day at a time.

honeypig

suzy, I don't think it's ever bad to have hope. I think where the problem comes in is when you put your life on hold or change direction b/c of holding onto a hope that's probably unrealistic.

What I've seen posted here is this: Feelings can never be wrong. You feel what you feel. Where it IS possible to go wrong is by acting on those feelings.

It's going to take time for you to get over this. I don't think any of us here were able to just turn a knob and shut off our feelings, our hopes, our dreams that now have to be put aside. I still get moments of deep sadness even though XAH and I will be divorced 2 years in June; we were together over 20 years, and the healing and processing is still going on. It's normal to mourn. It all takes time, and TIME takes time.

And sure, have hope for him, if that's how you feel. Just make sure you save some of that hope for yourself, and don't put things off or stop moving forward in the meantime.

Maudcat

Hey, suzy. I think it's totally normal and expected for you to go back and forth. You are moving forward in a very positive way, but at the same time you are mourning the loss of the man you married and the life you had, and.....the life you wanted to have.
That life is just not in the cards, though.
Maybe throw in a dollop of anger or resentment that he is living a carefree life at his mom's house, drinking, while you do the work of parenting and making a living.
Let's fast forward a few years. Your daughter is grown and on her way. You are maybe still working, maybe retired. Maybe you met someone else. Maybe you didn't.
Your husband is still living at his mother's house. He is still drinking. He is not a healthy guy, because long term alcohol consumption is not one bit good for one's health.
You, on the other hand, feel pretty good.
Am I projecting a bit? Nope. My alcoholic brother moved back in with my parents 25 or 30 years ago. He is still there, still drinking. He is incontinent at times. He falls a lot. He has alcohol-related dementia. He is one big, old, hot mess.
I fully expect that after my mother passes, I will be looking at nursing homes for him.
There is nothing worse than an old drunk. Peace.

dandylion

suzy....one of the elements of grieving is rumination. Ruminating through the whole relationship...examining it and the memories of it from every angle...asking questions...making suppositions....
This can go on for a while.....
finally, the mind comes to a rest...in a place where the relationship is looked at in a way that the heard and soul can live with....can accept....(some people call that reframing...some refer to it as a kind of closure).....

We humans don't give up hoping, easily. I think we tend to hold on as long as we can.....
I absolutely think that our alcoholics may love us and miss us as much as they are able to. I think it is just that the alcoholism occupies such a p osition of control in their brain and thinking (See articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M. D,)....that is impossible for them to live up to the responsibilities of other relationships outside of the alcoholism.
It is natural for them to reach for a drink to numb those kinds of feelings...actually, all feelings....
In fact, an alcoholic comes to the point of drink just to feel "normal".....

suzyontour

Thanks that helped. His mum is downsizing her house from a 3 bed to a I bed in a few months so he has to look for a place of his own. He doesn't even know how to pay a bill . His Mum is going to help him do it all. At least I don't have to eh? x

dandylion

suzy.....he can learn all those things that he needs to learn.
I saw where he likes to gamble.....If he can play poker? he can learn any other task!
Ohm my gosh....card games are really hard. One time I had a girlfriend who had a horsefarm and she had worked, at one time, in Las Vegas...at the poker tables.
When she needed extra money to feed her horses, she went to town and played poker with the men(!)....Now, I admired this woman on so many levels, and I asked her to teach me to play....
Well, long story, short....I was unable to learn. It was just toooo hard....(who knew?).....

Lol...I am just feeling a bit long winded, today......

hopeful4

Of course you want him to be well, and to want that so much that he will change his behavior. It's not likely. I always caution people about Rock Bottom. I don't think there is such thing, or for many, it's death. Addiction ebbs and flows. It's worse at some times, maybe gets better for a time, then rinse and repeat. There is not always some big epiphany Rock Bottom.

My XAH had a family member step in to take care of everything, then eventually found another wife to take over his life. I knew it would happen just like that b/c he absolutely refuses to take care of himself. (Pay bills, make phone calls, be an adult).

When I first came here I though for sure my XAH had hit his bottom. Nope, it was rinse and repeat for years, and he is still going. It's sad, but it's also reality.

You are right, No Contact, and eventually your mind will focus on you. Until then, just like addiction, it will ebb and flow. Some days will be better than others, and that is absolutely ok. Keep posting, keep reaching out for the support you deserve.

Hugs.

suzyontour

Thank you x

Maudcat

My brother had a series of girlfriends after his divorce, when he was younger and could be charming when he wanted something. (THAT quality is long gone, btw.) so the pattern was: live rent free with mom and dad, meet someone who was willing to take him on, move in with her until she got tired of the fact that he is a world-class moocher and leech, get kicked out, shuffle back to mom and dad's where, of course, he could live. Rinse, repeat.
Uck.

FireSprite

I also think hope is a pretty normal emotion suzy - but I learned here at SR that hope isn't enough to plan my life around.

The analogy that got this point through for me was that sure, I HOPE to win the lottery when I buy tickets but I don't run & quit my job because Hope Is Not A Plan.

The up & down emotional swing you're going through is completely normal in my experience too - some days in my early recovery I felt 10-ft tall & bulletproof & other days a threatening cloud brought me to inconsolable tears. It took a while for me too vomit up enough of that internalized damage to be able to regulate my emotions - especially since I was re-learning how to recognize & express them as well. Everything in my life suddenly had new labels & definitions & while that was inspiring & intriguing on a good day, it was confusing & lonely on a bad one. Time & space are your allies in this - they will give you the distance & clarity to see things for what they really are as things proceed. When all else fails, turn in early at night & tomorrow will look entirely different.

Hang in there & keep reading and posting!!

Bekindalways

Oh my gosh Suzy, I hoped and fantasized so much for so long. Actually I'm a bit of a proponent of denial as part of the healing process. When I went into fantasizing, the pain would abate for a bit and I needed a rest from the pain so badly.

A huge part of why I come here is that, decades later, I remember that pain and I want to offer support to others as they go through this.

suzyontour

I got myself in a state as he picked our daughter up from school and told her to tell me he'd sorted the bank account out. We have 3 accounts. One in my name only, one in his name only and a joint one. I usually have to go into joint account where his wages go and transfer my weekly money to my account and the rest to his. I told him to tell his boss to have his money paid into his account and then he could transfer my weekly money ( one less connection) he did this and it really upset me. He's going solo.
Then I thought of him out there living it up while I'm still crying and hurting . I called my sponsor and she put into perspective . She said:
He's doing everything you've asked him to do which is unusual
Go back to your mums
Get your stuff
Don't talk to our daughter about his emotions
He's done what you asked except for recovery. That's the big one for you isn't it? Only he can do that. You must work on you. You've usually caved in in the past text him and he's come back. But nothing changes. You could be on the edge of a breakthrough with yourself. Don't give in.
I also said when I wa in recovery for drink and drugs it was a breeze compared to this. She said that's because co-dependency is my primary as alcohol is his.
She said I'm just making it up in my mind that he's out there enjoying himself. How could he be, his wife won't take him back, his daughter thinks he's full of crap, he's sleeping on his mums sofa and he's drinking, using and gambling? She doubts he's feeling joyful but that joy is something I can choose and it's OK to miss him and hurt and cry so long as I don't live there. So I'm going to have a hot bath and a latte x
Sort bank out

honeypig

Your sponsor sounds like a kind and wise woman, and I'm glad you found her. I hope you're able to take some of that advice.

I make lovely bath salts; would you like me to fax you some for that hot bath, suzy? Lavender for sure, to calm things down, and maybe some rose for its helpfulness w/stress and grief, too...

suzyontour

So much love to you x

NYCDoglvr

My sponsor said "take the action s, the feelings will follow". Yes, that is true ... she just didn't tell me how long it would take my obsession to lift. I learned that what I called love (the compulsion) was really need and that love can't exist when there's no trust and respect. Use the program as much as possible and the feelings will change.

hopeful4

I usto blow up in my head all the time what my XAH must be feeling, not feeling, etc. The reality is, he is in the throes of addiction. It's hard telling what he's feeling, it's likely he does not even understand. He should not be talking to your daughter about adult issues or finances, however, that takes time.

Keep moving forward. Keep working on you. Big, tight hugs!