NotThatGuy

Hello all. I've been floating around awhile and finally got sufficiently horrified to address my alcoholism.

I've been drinking for 20+ years and over the last 5 years really stepped into new territory. I'm 41 now. Tomorrow I'll be sober 3 weeks.

I've been attending 2 or 3 meetings a day, though I was sick a couple of days last week and only made one meeting for two days in a row. It's been going very well, I feel great (other than the first couple of days and the cold) physically, and I'm very happy with the meetings I've been to.

I was encouraged (almost nagged) by others to get a sponsor immediately, at least a temporary one, and I finally did. For a lot of reasons, some probably more reasonable than you could expect a functional alcoholic to come up with, I was nervous about my choice but finally bit the bullet.

I've talked with him a few times and we've gone to a couple meetings together, and I've seen him at a few meetings.

Here's the rub, though: when folks were encouraging me to get a sponsor, my impression was that it was so I could begin step work. My sponsor didn't mention this in our conversations, and I finally brought it up. He said that he would begin working steps after I'd done 90 in 90 "and then we'd do step 3". This was last week.

When I told a friend (and old drinking buddy, family friend, and now 8 years with the program) over the weekend this he didn't think that it made sense. I really hadn't given it much thought, as I'm really in no hurry, but the more I think about it the more it does sort of stick in my craw.

I feel, right now, as dedicated to this program as anything in my life. I feel extremely fortunate that I'm in a place in my life where I chose to get involved in the program without anything but my own conscious hanging over my head (no legal issues, relationship issues sure but those were there before and will work out the way they will, no real financial issues or employment concerns.)

I'll probably end up doing at least 90 in 90, but I'm having a hard time accepting that as a condition of sponsorship. During our conversation when it came up, he did mention some sort of "seen too many guys come and go" logic, which I guess I understand, but I'm not sure I have anything to prove to him.

Not sure what to do here. I'm leaning towards asking someone else to sponsor, but wonder what you all think.

Thanks for any insight or advice, and thanks for reading.

Anna

Hi,

I'm not an AA person, but if you feel you don't click with this person, then I think looking for someone who suits you better is a good idea.

biminiblue

Have you talked about this issue with him? I would start there, and if you want to get started and he's not willing, find another sponsor. Sounds like a half-measures kind of sponsor? I don't know, I don't go to AA any more but if you feel a need to get started, that is valid.

Grymt

I never had a sponsor so I can say it's not essential. I think there is no hard and fast rule about anything in sobriety except don't pick up the first drink. Anything that sticks in your craw is worth exploring. Why does it bother you. Is there an underlying issue there. Meybe look at that. Is there anything else that bothers you. Do you talk that out of the way or use it as a tool to understand something? Whatever. It's great to hear you're taking sobriety seriously. It wasn't till I did 3 meetings a day for 30 days that a lot of things started to make senese to me. I'm slow when it comes to doing the right thing but when it comes time to do it I do it.

Kris47

Hello Guy,

Congrats on your desire to quit drinking. 3 weeks is a good start. If you mean business and are willing and open you are ready to take certain steps. "At some of these we balked." If you are ready to do anything to quit, you are ready to start Step one. It is however, always recommended that the steps be worked with a sponsor. Every sponsor is different. Admission of your alcoholism and an unmaneageble life brings you to and through this step. If you think this person is knowledgeable why not give it a week or more to see where he takes you. My sponsor had me begin by reading Chapter 3 in the BB. No matter how many years sober we continue to go through the steps as we need to. When you have read chapter 3 and done some exercises and understand what this step means you can go on to the next. I've never actually heard starting the steps after the 90 in 90 but I have heard that you should do them within a year of sobriety. Have you spoken with him why he feels this way? Perhaps he has a reason. Perhaps he is hoping you have more clarity. It is hard to estimate his reasoning but in any case do continue to go to meetings, call friends on your list and pray to God about this. If in your gut you were nervous perhaps you should look for another sponsor but most of us had things that we didn't quite like about our sponsors in the beginning. Afterall, we are alcoholic and want to run the show. Hopefully you two can come to a conclusion that will work for the both of you. If not, find someone else. In the meantime, see what distinctly he has in mind for you and getting you through the steps.

Stay the course! You'll be so glad you did.

tomsteve

i can understand where the sponors is comin from about seein people come and go, but imo seeing so many come and go is more reason to get a sponsee involved in the steps ASAP.
i have a duty as a sponsor- that is to carry this message,that being the message of the program, to the next alcoholic. the sooner i help them with the program, the better their chances are.
i dont have the right to keep a sponsee from something that can give thema life they never could have dreamed of.

imo,it is a blessing to read someone 3 weeks in(good on ya for that!!! 3 weeks is an eternity!) say they are dedicated; to read someone who wants to to work the steps. that tells me they have read the bb and know what it is we have and wants it.

also just my opinion, but i think you should bring this up with him and if hes not willing to get busy, find another sponsor.

keep comin back! it works if ya work it( and hard to do that without a sponsor to guide ya)so work kt youre worth it!

Dee74

I'm not in AA either but like others have said...talk to the guy and express your concerns.

You need to be able to work with him and vice versa.

D

least

Going to meetings is not a requirement for working the steps. I would bring this up with the sponsor, and if he won't back off, I'd get another sponsor who will take you thru the steps without delay.

Cornbread

I don't have all of the answers, only and opinion about. Some sponsors like to play headgames to see if you really want it. I don't know if this is the case but I'd be really upfront about wanting to get going on the steps. For me it was very urgent as I was motivated to change.

You could always start reading the 12 and 12 and big book about Step 1 and start enternalizing it. I highly recommend Father Martin's chalk talk on step 1 on YouTube. I got a bunch out of it.

"The depth and sincerity that you do step 1 is an indication of how well you do ge rest of the steps." Ok that was a paraphrase but that basically what he say.

oakleaf82

I've not tried AA, but I agree with others to talk to him about your concerns. I imagine good communication and feeling comfortable with each other are essential to a good sponser/sponsee relationship.

Congratulations on your decision to get sober!

IN2Q

Thank you, this was interesting

NotThatGuy

Thanks for all of your advice.

I know I'm going to have to talk to the guy, and I really wish I had done it at the moment that he mentioned it. There was just an odd feeling when he said it, it really didn't sit well with me but I had no idea how to express it. I'm really looking forward to knowing intuitively how to handle situations that baffle me. Most potentially confrontational conversations baffle me, honestly, and I'm afraid of getting into any sort of confrontation right now.

Thanks, too, for all of your encouragement.

Fly N Buy

I am a believer in taking advantage of the window of opportunity when a newcomer demonstrates willingness. I've never seen the reason for going against a sponsees desire to do step work at a pace they gravitate towards. This is your journey.

Conversely, when someone gives of their time to help me I am very grateful and express such.

Remember the essentials = willingness, honesty and openmindedness
That's who

fini

welcome, NTG,
i wilI be blunt and say he's got it backwards.
helping you through the stepstuff is what a sponsor is for. exactly that.
i understand about seeing folks come and go, and the book recommends he ascertain whether you are what is in AA terms " a real alcoholic". nothing else is required.
when doing the steps is presented as the way to/of the solution, it doesn't make any sense to not get going on this.

when people approach me, we get together and have a chat about expectations, and i speak a bit about how we'll follow the suggestions from the book and so on, and then we get busy.
when later it looks like folks are not actually interested, or are just looking for having a sober pal, then i can offer, if i want, an occasional getting together, but it certainly isn't at that point a sponsorship relationship, and i have to make that clear.

You can google AA Sponsorship Pamphlet or something similar and you will find an excellent pamphlet on this issue, full of good info on this and other questions you may have or questions you haven't even thought of yet

congratulations on your sober days and showing up!

Done4today

Welcome NTG and congrats on three weeks!!

If you like the guy and feel he has something to offer you, then just follow his plan. You're on a life journey and from the sounds of it he has accepted that steps one and two are complete if you do the 90 in 90.

I personally have two sponsors that I've worked the steps with at the same time. They both have different approaches but the steps are the same.

Your HP got you to select this guy for a reason. I think that you'd be doing yourself a disservice if you bail on him because he doesn't do the "program" the way you think he should. It's about letting go, humbling yourself, and being willing to do anything to stay sober. Good luck and many prayers.

Scruffanie

Hi Guy, well done on 3 weeks, fantastic!

You sound very committed to your program and that is wonderful. I have to say I haven't heard of a sponsor wanting to wait 90 days before beggining the step work but I'm only 100+ days and new to AA. I have noticed that each sponsor/sponsee is different.

I got my sponsor on day 3 and we began with me calling each day at a certain time (more often if I needed). I have pretty much done what I'm told without question. For some reason it felt important for me to do this.

Do you feel you need to get started straight away? If you do then discussing it with your sponsor is a good idea. It doesn't have to be confrontational. If you are keen to start sooner then you need only explain your reasons why. Then see how you feel after his response.

If you do not feel the need to hurry then perhaps see where he leads you. There are some things you don't need a sponsor for...prayer and meditation can begin at any point. My sponsor would tell me to pray on any issue that was giving me issues.

Just ask for guidance on this issue, do not try and control it and it will work out as it should �� certainly this has been my experience so far.

Wishing you well.

aasharon90

I agree that all sponsors are different.

Mine was to lead by action and I could
and would follow at my pace. She never
forced me to do anything, but rather she
suggested to me what to do.

Most folks from what I gathered in early
recovery and from those I met in meetings
had jobs, careers, families, daily agenda's
while incorporating their recovery program.

I saw many folks make a noon meeting then
head back to work. Me, I was an at home mom,
wife and worked around that incorperating my
meetings.

My sponsor was close enough to pop in
to see her at work and was always available
to call her if needed. We did meet up from
time to time at meetings and she always
introduced me to other folks so if she was
out of town, I could call upon them if I couldn't
reach her.

Because of my own schedule at home, I
became responsible to get and do what
I needed to do to remain sober after
completing a 28 day rehab stay where
I had to complete the first 3 steps before
I was released.

Over the yrs, I went to step studies and
big book meetings to help me learn how
to work those steps on my own and in
doing so was able to admit my faults to
my sponsor.

Once you learn how to do those steps
you begin to live them in your everyday
affairs which is what I continue to do in
my life today some 26 yrs sober.

Getting temporary sponsors was what
I needed to learn how to get while in rehab
and as a way to ask and reach out to folks
comfortably first before I would ever reach
for poison.

My one and only sponsor was the one
I asked while in rehab. She was one of
those who would pick up patiants in rehab
and take them to meetings.

I saw what she had in recovery and I
wanted it. She led me to meetings,
introduced me to important folks that
learned how to be successful in recovery
and life. She led me thru her actions with
service work. She was/is well liked, admired
by many and a shining example of the
person I wanted to be like in my own
life.

To be happy, honest, responsible and
free from my alcohol addiction.

I never replaced my one and only
sponsor, but over time, I have used
the fellowship of many to guide me,
teach me how to remain on track
with my own recovery life.

I worked at my own pace and did
the footwork required of me to
get me further down the road with
willingness, openmindedness and
honesty.

Of course this is what has worked
for me and still does.

Keepin it simple and not complicate
the heck out of things is what continues
to work for me. It's that simple.

PhoenixJ

The 'bond' between my sponsor and me is based on complete 9and I mean complete) honesty with my sponsor. He is a guide and a whirlwind tour of sobriety. That is how I saw the step stuff. More than that he is a faible human- offering support and friendship when no other 9at the time) would. I believed myself to be human refuse. He saw differently. I would suggest sharing your feelings with your sponsor. They are not the sober police. They are people trying to help.

tomsteve

very understandable. early on it took me a while to process what I would here and determine iffen my thinkin on what I heard was strange or what I heard was strange.
as time went on I learned how to conversate.
and with practice I learned sometimes is best to just not conversate.

in this position, though, I don't see a confrontation happening. at least I hope the sponsor wouldn't turn it into a confrontation. if that happens, I think it would be a sign to start lookin elsewhere.
remember one thing,too:
you don't have to let yourself get dragged into a confrontation.you are allowed to have your opinion

D122y

Not,

I have been to enough AA meetings to know that AA wasn't for me...yet..at this time.

Imo...if you got a bad feeling about the sponser....get another one.

In the meetings I attended...the best sponsers had the majority of the folks under their guidance.

Also..in my experience...there were folks looking for sponsees that were too different than me...whether it be too young, too aggressive, too passive etc.

I didn't read each reply thoroughly so this may already have been addressed.

We addicts sometimes have little else in common but our addiction.

Thanks.