patience15

Hi. I just got done reading steps one and two and I broke down. I see myself in this and it's very painful....i feel too much and i see even more

He asked me what was wrong and I told him as much as i want you to get sober you have to want to get sober and clearly you don't and I don't want this.......

I'll keep reading and researching but for now I have enough to think about......

I have been in denial so long .....now I can't I can't live this way!!! I have to choose for my own sanity....

I just wanted to share this in case someone else outh there is like me at this very moment and feeling the same way. The shame the embarssment the guilt to where I want to vomit....this is all too much right now....my life feels out of control.....

anyone else that might be going through this may i suggest this:
Codependence - Self Help - A.J. Mahari - Codependence Enmeshment Toxic Relationships Abuse - Life Coaching

LexieCat

Shame, embarrassment, and guilt will get you nowhere in a hurry. So trash those as soon as you can. It doesn't matter how you got here. Unmanageable lives can be brought back to manageability; we can be restored to sanity. We have to ACCEPT the fact that things are messed up before we can go about righting them, that's all.

Sending a hug your way.

Maudcat

Patience, good that you are reading and learning. I will keep on saying it: when we know better, we do better. Hang in there. You are among friends here. Peace.

IN2Q

There is no shame in learning something new, no matter how you learnt it. Just keep with it, keep trying to understand, and keep doing things for you.

AnvilheadII

oh gosh....that takes me back to when i was first reading about ACOA stuff.....it was a long time ago and i don't recall the specific passage, name of the book, or reference, but what i DO clearly recall was sending that book sailing across room, like it was a snake or something.

seeing ourselves so clearly described and defined in print is very unsettling. talk about feeling surveiled! i started looking in the house plants for cameras. how did they KNOW all this stuff about ME????? and who gave them permission to do so???

in time, i went and retrieved that book, found my place, and kept reading. the shock and the sting wore off and i began to feel almost comforted. hey.....SOMEBODY GETS ME! i am not completely alone!!

BeachPlease

I put a book away for a while, because it was just like you all described. Yesterday, I was putting clothes away and opened the drawer. The corner of the book was peeking out at me like "Yeah I'm not going anywhere".

So now it's on the table next to my bed. I still haven't opened it again, but I know I must read it.

SparkleKitty

When I was 19, my sister sent me a copy of Adult Children of Alcoholics.

I read it in a day or two.

I'd never felt so invaded. It felt like someone had been watching my family, my whole life, and then published it, moment for moment. I was stunned.

Then I made the mistake of convincing myself that becoming aware of the dysfunction in which I had been raised was enough. I could label my problem, surely that didn't mean I also had to actually deal with it? Boy was I smug.

13 years later my life imploded spectacularly, and I could no longer pretend that I had it all figured out, I could no longer pretend that the common denominator in all of my unhappy relationships wasn't me.

Awareness, acceptance, then action. Try not to let those useless emotions of shame, embarrassment and guilt rob you of any more progress down that path.

FireSprite

I also had that feeling of being smacked upside the head when the ACoA & Codie stuff starting making sense in my life & my patterns. I felt like I'd been blind & dumb to everything that made me, Me.

The good news is that you have awareness now patience - and that means you can create change where you find it necessary. Here's another favorite of mine:



http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-archives.html

How to Tell if a Codependent is Serious About Recovery

1. On their own, they will educate themselves about the disease of addiction.

2. They will read everything they can on enabling, codependency, boundaries, and abuse.

3. They will actually attend meetings instead of coming up with a list of excuses why they can’t.

4. They will get a sponsor - the toughest one they can find -- who will bring them to understand that they are powerless over others, and that nothing they do or say will make an addict use or not use drugs.

5. They will start saying nice and good things about the meetings that they are attending -- not complaining. They will not be embarrassed to be there.

6. They will no longer be in denial, thinking they are different, their addicted loved one is different, or together they are different. They also will not feel the need to be defensive when others say something that hits a nerve- they will just take what they need and leave the rest.

7. They will no longer look for proof of drug use by checking phone records, questioning friends and family, following, going thru pockets or wallets.

8. They will no longer feel the need to give the “report of the day” on what the addict is doing/not doing, saying/not saying.

9. You will see the beginnings of them practicing self-care: eating well, sleeping soundly, exercising, relaxing, going out with friends and family, having fun.

10. They will actually talk "recovery," not just vent about the addicts activities.

11. On their own, they will avoid the people, places and things that involve abuse, unacceptable behavior, drugs or illegal activities.

12. Manipulation will continue, probably, but it will be must less pronounced as they become more aware that the techniques of guilt, anger, hurt, resentment are feelings that they ALLOW and are only harming themselves.

13. Others will probably comment to you, out of the blue, that they notice a change in you, that you no longer need validation from others, that you seem more self-confident, that your happiness is no longer dependent on others.