My Husband is Missing... Pregnant
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 2
My Husband is Missing... Pregnant
Hello all,
I came here for support and help.
Kind of a complicated situation but I'll try to explain the best way possible. I'm currently 6w6d pregnant with our first child. It wasn't something we planned but great news nonetheless. We've been living apart for about 6 months since he got a DUI and could only commute to work from his parents house. I'm living with my parents 20 minutes away. We were on track to getting a place of our own after moving to FL a year ago. Neither one of us had jobs at the time and he accrued an enormous amount of debt (in both my name and his). In fact, at this point bankruptcy is probably the best option.
I am currently working full-time at a great place with benefits. As of Thursday he had a job. His step dad said he never came home from his court ordered group therapy Thursday night. After much investigation I found out he took an Uber to a hotel. I spoke with his driver and he said he had definitely been drinking. I did call the hotel yesterday to see if he was still there (I can't access his bank account). The hotel lady wasn't very forthcoming and took down my phone number and told me she'd call me back but never did. She seemed reluctant to tell me if he was staying there.
I'm trying not to stress about this for the sake of my pregnancy at the very least. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago and because of my history and age (36) I'm considered high risk. Before all this happened I was so worried about cramping I went to the ER (a week ago). Luckily they said at that point everything seemed okay. I see my PCP tomorrow morning and then the OB next week (which will be the most stressful... Finding out if the baby has a heartbeat). No one else knows I'm pregnant (even my parents which whom I live with).
I'm in recovery myself (opiates and cocaine) and I'm aware of the way an addicts brain works. I've been sober for over three years now and had I never met my husband I wouldn't have this debt, set foot in a courtroom and probably wouldn't be living with my parents.
I know this may sound terrible but I wish we'd gotten life insurance as I don't know if I'll ever see him again. He's disappeared before and at this point I have prepared myself for anything. At one point he was using dust inhalants and I have never been so scared. I was under the impression things were going well since he got his ankle monitor off he was working the program and we were looking forward to a bright future. Looking back at the last couple weeks there are some things that don't add up and I caught him in several lies.
However, I really need to concentrate on this moment. Should I go to the bank with our marriage certificate and try to get a look at the charges? Go to the hotel? If he's there should I confront him? The police? He's on probation so if he's caught drinking he may be taken to jail. Normally I would just wait it out but with the pregnancy I'm not sure if I should be stressing about it for a prolonged period of time.
Any help or advice would be great.
I came here for support and help.
Kind of a complicated situation but I'll try to explain the best way possible. I'm currently 6w6d pregnant with our first child. It wasn't something we planned but great news nonetheless. We've been living apart for about 6 months since he got a DUI and could only commute to work from his parents house. I'm living with my parents 20 minutes away. We were on track to getting a place of our own after moving to FL a year ago. Neither one of us had jobs at the time and he accrued an enormous amount of debt (in both my name and his). In fact, at this point bankruptcy is probably the best option.
I am currently working full-time at a great place with benefits. As of Thursday he had a job. His step dad said he never came home from his court ordered group therapy Thursday night. After much investigation I found out he took an Uber to a hotel. I spoke with his driver and he said he had definitely been drinking. I did call the hotel yesterday to see if he was still there (I can't access his bank account). The hotel lady wasn't very forthcoming and took down my phone number and told me she'd call me back but never did. She seemed reluctant to tell me if he was staying there.
I'm trying not to stress about this for the sake of my pregnancy at the very least. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago and because of my history and age (36) I'm considered high risk. Before all this happened I was so worried about cramping I went to the ER (a week ago). Luckily they said at that point everything seemed okay. I see my PCP tomorrow morning and then the OB next week (which will be the most stressful... Finding out if the baby has a heartbeat). No one else knows I'm pregnant (even my parents which whom I live with).
I'm in recovery myself (opiates and cocaine) and I'm aware of the way an addicts brain works. I've been sober for over three years now and had I never met my husband I wouldn't have this debt, set foot in a courtroom and probably wouldn't be living with my parents.
I know this may sound terrible but I wish we'd gotten life insurance as I don't know if I'll ever see him again. He's disappeared before and at this point I have prepared myself for anything. At one point he was using dust inhalants and I have never been so scared. I was under the impression things were going well since he got his ankle monitor off he was working the program and we were looking forward to a bright future. Looking back at the last couple weeks there are some things that don't add up and I caught him in several lies.
However, I really need to concentrate on this moment. Should I go to the bank with our marriage certificate and try to get a look at the charges? Go to the hotel? If he's there should I confront him? The police? He's on probation so if he's caught drinking he may be taken to jail. Normally I would just wait it out but with the pregnancy I'm not sure if I should be stressing about it for a prolonged period of time.
Any help or advice would be great.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Welcome to the site, i'm sorry to hear you are having to go through this. It sounds like he's trying to isolate him so he can go off on a bender.
It sounds like his actions are having a severe negative impact on your life. Personally I think you need to do what's best for you and your baby. Perhaps looking into a divorce attorney so you can get yourself out of this mess as it's only going to get worse.
It sounds like his actions are having a severe negative impact on your life. Personally I think you need to do what's best for you and your baby. Perhaps looking into a divorce attorney so you can get yourself out of this mess as it's only going to get worse.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Sorry to hear you are going through this.
Trying to find him just will add more stress to you. No point in that.
You are probably better off going no contact with him, and separate your finances immediately.
I opened a completely new checking account this last time XAH went on a bender. This will help to at least keep the money you earn, but won't prevent him from continuing to trash your credit as long as you are married to him.
Take care of you and your baby. He will do as he sees fit, which is drinking right now. As for life insurance - he very well may be uninsurable right now. My XAH in throes of his addiction decided that he'd overdose and we would get life insurance. Well - firstly it was mostly said for dramatic effect, secondly - I informed him that he should not worry as his substance abuse effectively voided his policy I bought through my work.
You don't need him right now around you.
Trying to find him just will add more stress to you. No point in that.
You are probably better off going no contact with him, and separate your finances immediately.
I opened a completely new checking account this last time XAH went on a bender. This will help to at least keep the money you earn, but won't prevent him from continuing to trash your credit as long as you are married to him.
Take care of you and your baby. He will do as he sees fit, which is drinking right now. As for life insurance - he very well may be uninsurable right now. My XAH in throes of his addiction decided that he'd overdose and we would get life insurance. Well - firstly it was mostly said for dramatic effect, secondly - I informed him that he should not worry as his substance abuse effectively voided his policy I bought through my work.
You don't need him right now around you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Welcome Suza. I'm super glad you found us.
You sure have a lot on your plate. I have not been in your situation so will just offer support and encouragement to keep posting. There are tons of wise folks here.
You sure have a lot on your plate. I have not been in your situation so will just offer support and encouragement to keep posting. There are tons of wise folks here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Welcome, Suza. Sorry for your situation. It sounds like your parents are supportive? Good people?
I would ask them to help support you now and through your pregnancy. You need as much help as you can get right now.
As far as your husband is concerned, he's in the wind. Don't waste time and energy trying to find him. Take steps to protect your finances and your credit. If he has a card and you can cancel it, do so as soon as possible.
If the bank account is in both your names you should have access. Dunno if you can block him,. Ask the bank to help you.
Above all, protect your JOB. Your good job with benefits is your lifeline. Don't let your husband's shenanigans get you off track with regard to work.
Here for you. Hope I haven't sounded harsh. Peace.
I would ask them to help support you now and through your pregnancy. You need as much help as you can get right now.
As far as your husband is concerned, he's in the wind. Don't waste time and energy trying to find him. Take steps to protect your finances and your credit. If he has a card and you can cancel it, do so as soon as possible.
If the bank account is in both your names you should have access. Dunno if you can block him,. Ask the bank to help you.
Above all, protect your JOB. Your good job with benefits is your lifeline. Don't let your husband's shenanigans get you off track with regard to work.
Here for you. Hope I haven't sounded harsh. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 980
Yes, everything Maud suggested. You will feel better if you take control, your next choices are important and in your power. Nothing he feels or does is in your control. Take steps to untangle yourself in any way from him, you will be that much closer to a much more predictable life. Keep us posted!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I doubt your marriage certificate will help you at the bank. If your name isn't on the account, you're not entitled to information or access.
The hotel has an obligation to protect the privacy of it's guests.
Chasing after a man who's addicted is just wasting your time. Set up your own bank account so you can keep your own money separate and away from him.
The hotel has an obligation to protect the privacy of it's guests.
Chasing after a man who's addicted is just wasting your time. Set up your own bank account so you can keep your own money separate and away from him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
YOU HEALTH AND THAT OF YOUR UNBORN CHILD ARE THE TOP PRIORITY- NOT HIM. Stay safe- seek support- professional, family, friend. Do not maker decisions or do anything when emotionally charged. Keep posting.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome. Sorry you're going through all of this.
First things first--protect your own health and your sobriety at all costs. Do you have a sponsor and a recovery group in the area where you moved? If not, I'd suggest getting some good connections for support down there.
Next, you need to protect yourself financially and legally. I'd suggest finding a lawyer and getting some good advice ASAP. Whether you stay or you go, you should know how his actions could affect you, and your options to protect yourself.
Velma is right--you're not likely to get info from the banks/hotels. Chasing him and trying to find him is sort of a waste of your emotional energy that you will need going forward.
Hugs,
First things first--protect your own health and your sobriety at all costs. Do you have a sponsor and a recovery group in the area where you moved? If not, I'd suggest getting some good connections for support down there.
Next, you need to protect yourself financially and legally. I'd suggest finding a lawyer and getting some good advice ASAP. Whether you stay or you go, you should know how his actions could affect you, and your options to protect yourself.
Velma is right--you're not likely to get info from the banks/hotels. Chasing him and trying to find him is sort of a waste of your emotional energy that you will need going forward.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
This is the time to prioritize what is really important to you. If you're AMA (advance maternal age) and have a history of a miscarriage you need to concentrate on you and your baby. Do some mediation and relaxation. Focus on the job and your finances. Thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. Unfortunately, your story is pretty familiar. Addicts hide from the world. He will likely come running back, so I agree, have a plan in place.
Tight hugs. Everyone is right, you are the baby are top priority!
Tight hugs. Everyone is right, you are the baby are top priority!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
My ex's drinking really ramped up,during my pregnancy. Everyone kept telling me the baby would "settle him down" but the opposite happened. His response to stress or joy or any emotion really was to drink. Drink to celebrate, drink because you're sad, drink because you're terrified of the reality of parenthood.
I wish now that I had gotten myself someplace safe and free from the stress of living with an active alcoholic and detached from his disease instead of wearing myself out trying to fix it.
I hope you have a safe and healthy pregnancy. Take care.
I wish now that I had gotten myself someplace safe and free from the stress of living with an active alcoholic and detached from his disease instead of wearing myself out trying to fix it.
I hope you have a safe and healthy pregnancy. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
You can add me into the "my husband's drinking got worse during my pregnancy" boat. Only in my case it was during my second pregnancy. We were both 26 at the time. He was self medicating many things "away"... family issues with his parents, financial problems since we already had one child, another on the way and his union had been on strike for nine months. ( don't they always have some reason or feeling that needs watering?)...I used to sleep backwards on the bed so I wouldn't have to have his alcoholic fumes in my overly sensitive prego nose. It was awful. I had looked so forward to getting pregnant again and completing our little family... and yet here I was in the midst of realizing my spouse was a drunk. It was devastating and oh so lonely.
Take good care of yourself. My stress levels had me in the hospital a few times with preterm labour. It was scary stuff. I wish I knew then what it took me many more years to learn. I would have done things differently. I would have been a lot more open and honest with my family and friends and accepted a lot more help. I would have focused a lot less on my anger and animosity towards my AH & MIL and focused a lot more on myself and the little miracle in my belly.
Hugs and best wishes being sent your way.
Take good care of yourself. My stress levels had me in the hospital a few times with preterm labour. It was scary stuff. I wish I knew then what it took me many more years to learn. I would have done things differently. I would have been a lot more open and honest with my family and friends and accepted a lot more help. I would have focused a lot less on my anger and animosity towards my AH & MIL and focused a lot more on myself and the little miracle in my belly.
Hugs and best wishes being sent your way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I am so sorry that you are going through this stress at such a fragile time in your life. You husband is not a special snow flake, he is no different then any of the addicts on this forum. He is an addict and your life is not going to get any better till he accepts that.
Please let him do what he wants, leave him be and just take care of you. You have a precious life inside you and stress of dealing with an addict could jut put to much stress on you. Give him to God to watch over, as it is out of your control.
Sending hugs to you that your Dr.'s appointment goes well!!
Please let him do what he wants, leave him be and just take care of you. You have a precious life inside you and stress of dealing with an addict could jut put to much stress on you. Give him to God to watch over, as it is out of your control.
Sending hugs to you that your Dr.'s appointment goes well!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
I know it's so much easier said than done when people tell you to stop worrying about him and focus on yourself. It's not simple to turn the mind off because it's human nature to worry and wonder about what the father of your child is doing. But in this case try your best to focus on you and your baby growing inside of you. As you stated, stress is very dangerous for pregnancy and you are at an elevated risk, especially this early in the pregnancy.
Addicts tend to always show up eventually so rest your mind easy. Mine showed up today and isn't dead as my mind imagined - I always assume they die when they disappear but it's like any other addict running to get their high and being unable to face reality.
Do your best to take care of yourself right now. It sounds like you are doing well for yourself with a good job and benefits and living with your folks. Lean on them for that emotional support. I thought if I wasn't there to find my ABF or call hospitals and jails he surely would die. But guess what? He showed up at the sober living home on his own and is now safely in the hands of professionals. And my non-intervention had diddly squat to do with it. Give it to God and focus on you and your little one! (((((((hugs))))))))
Addicts tend to always show up eventually so rest your mind easy. Mine showed up today and isn't dead as my mind imagined - I always assume they die when they disappear but it's like any other addict running to get their high and being unable to face reality.
Do your best to take care of yourself right now. It sounds like you are doing well for yourself with a good job and benefits and living with your folks. Lean on them for that emotional support. I thought if I wasn't there to find my ABF or call hospitals and jails he surely would die. But guess what? He showed up at the sober living home on his own and is now safely in the hands of professionals. And my non-intervention had diddly squat to do with it. Give it to God and focus on you and your little one! (((((((hugs))))))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 2
Thank you all so much for your kind words. I've never posted on a message board before and gotten so many responses so quickly.
He has not been in touch.
But, because I do have access to his email and apparently he's using Uber (his license is suspended but thank God he's not driving) I was able to just track his movements that way while I went about my day. Apparently after his weekend bender he took himself to the ER. I called told they kept him for maybe 2 hours. I have no idea what happened. Then he went to a beach, a park near where his parents live (at that point I thought he was going home....It was about 5 blocks away). But around 4 he took an Uber to another park type area. I am really not sure I even want to speak to him and I'm damn sure not running after him this time. But, I guess this is a very small way I can know he's alive.
I get along wonderfully with his Dad....Who I spoke with earlier today. But unfortunately he's not the parent who lives down here. He's in Ohio and we're in Florida. His Mom does live down here and...although none of you know me I'm a very nice easy going person to be around....But for some reason his Mom sees me as a threat ? maybe. She's really still the only one who looks at this situation as something she can fix. He's her only son. She also has 3 daughters....two of which she has somehow turned against me. I'm telling you...these people are very hard to understand. Instead of directly calling me today she freaked out when I texted he went to the ER and had her daughter and his Dad call me. Both live 1,000 miles away.
We only got married a year and a half ago (been together 3). So I actually never took his name, we don't have any assets or bank accounts together. Do you think that's enough? Already he's accrued yet another bill from the ER he has no health insurance.
Also.... Because I'm not yet to the "safe" point of my pregnancy we haven't told anyone (I actually told a friend at work but she has no idea about this). I was so looking forward to telling my family and his in a happy way. Also, his family spreads news and secrets like wildfire. Any advice on this? I'll be 7w tomorrow. My first real OB appointment isn't until next week.
It's so very frustrating because I never expected this to become my life. Really I wasn't a big fan of moving to FL (I think my parents moved here because we did). Prior to this we were looking at buying a manufactured home (trailer). Now I keep thinking my future will be 1) a single mom living in a trailer in Florida making $25k 2) living with an alcoholic husband in a trailer with a newborn 3) living with my parents until I'm 40 or inherit the house altogether. I know this is a bleak way of thinking but it's hard to not feel stuck. I have a college degree in theatre design and up until my addiction took hold I was living on my own in Washington DC. Because of my criminal background it was very difficult to get a job. But I'm definitely grateful for the one I have now.
I want to help people with addiction or criminal issues so I am currently finishing my paralegal certificate I started 4 years ago. I'm hoping maybe it can get me a better paying job and something I'm passionate about (saying to someone...Look I know where you are. I've been there but if I can get sober and turn my life around so can you).
Sorry this has gotten drastically off topic. I guess I just wanted to give you all a better picture of who I am.
Thanks again for your advice and support. I'm glad (?) to hear I'm not the only one who has faced this behavior. I'm constantly scared of a miscarriage or that I've damaged my baby with the medication I'm on for depression and anxiety. I'm really looking forward to getting some answers next week. Just like everything else though I'm trying to take it one day at a time.
He has not been in touch.
But, because I do have access to his email and apparently he's using Uber (his license is suspended but thank God he's not driving) I was able to just track his movements that way while I went about my day. Apparently after his weekend bender he took himself to the ER. I called told they kept him for maybe 2 hours. I have no idea what happened. Then he went to a beach, a park near where his parents live (at that point I thought he was going home....It was about 5 blocks away). But around 4 he took an Uber to another park type area. I am really not sure I even want to speak to him and I'm damn sure not running after him this time. But, I guess this is a very small way I can know he's alive.
I get along wonderfully with his Dad....Who I spoke with earlier today. But unfortunately he's not the parent who lives down here. He's in Ohio and we're in Florida. His Mom does live down here and...although none of you know me I'm a very nice easy going person to be around....But for some reason his Mom sees me as a threat ? maybe. She's really still the only one who looks at this situation as something she can fix. He's her only son. She also has 3 daughters....two of which she has somehow turned against me. I'm telling you...these people are very hard to understand. Instead of directly calling me today she freaked out when I texted he went to the ER and had her daughter and his Dad call me. Both live 1,000 miles away.
We only got married a year and a half ago (been together 3). So I actually never took his name, we don't have any assets or bank accounts together. Do you think that's enough? Already he's accrued yet another bill from the ER he has no health insurance.
Also.... Because I'm not yet to the "safe" point of my pregnancy we haven't told anyone (I actually told a friend at work but she has no idea about this). I was so looking forward to telling my family and his in a happy way. Also, his family spreads news and secrets like wildfire. Any advice on this? I'll be 7w tomorrow. My first real OB appointment isn't until next week.
It's so very frustrating because I never expected this to become my life. Really I wasn't a big fan of moving to FL (I think my parents moved here because we did). Prior to this we were looking at buying a manufactured home (trailer). Now I keep thinking my future will be 1) a single mom living in a trailer in Florida making $25k 2) living with an alcoholic husband in a trailer with a newborn 3) living with my parents until I'm 40 or inherit the house altogether. I know this is a bleak way of thinking but it's hard to not feel stuck. I have a college degree in theatre design and up until my addiction took hold I was living on my own in Washington DC. Because of my criminal background it was very difficult to get a job. But I'm definitely grateful for the one I have now.
I want to help people with addiction or criminal issues so I am currently finishing my paralegal certificate I started 4 years ago. I'm hoping maybe it can get me a better paying job and something I'm passionate about (saying to someone...Look I know where you are. I've been there but if I can get sober and turn my life around so can you).
Sorry this has gotten drastically off topic. I guess I just wanted to give you all a better picture of who I am.
Thanks again for your advice and support. I'm glad (?) to hear I'm not the only one who has faced this behavior. I'm constantly scared of a miscarriage or that I've damaged my baby with the medication I'm on for depression and anxiety. I'm really looking forward to getting some answers next week. Just like everything else though I'm trying to take it one day at a time.
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