What is best for me?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 3
What is best for me?
I've been in a relationship with an alcholic for over 2 years now. I was completely blind to his alcoholism at first, he hid it from me very well. The more time I started to spend with him the more I noticed his dependency to it; things really hit home when he started drinking till he passed out with me present, & once he even peed the bed and told me it was no big deal. I hardly think waking up drenched in his urine is no big deal. He denied it when I confronted him & told him he needed help, he told me I could not diagnose him & then guilted me by saying I just wanted out. I stayed with him another year & our arguments got worse, he is completely unhinged, then he'll forget that he even acted that way the next day, as if nothing happened. Because he quits drinking from Jan to April, he's obviously not an alcoholic, is what he claimed. He came to my sons bball game drunk, stumbling, he's driven drunk & not remembered anything the next day. So, I ran out of excuses & told him it's over. This was two days ago & he admitted he had a problem, said that alcohol is the only thing consistent in his life. Im relieved to have gotten the strength to go, but am still struggling. He has asked that we meet to discuss how to resolve business we have together & I agreed, however my mom is concerned he may try an hurt me. I ended the relationship over email because I didn't want to be yelled at or made to feel guilty. He said this upset him most and close to 3 years (this july) I owe him more. He had never physically harmed me, he is a very high functioning alcoholic, actually in school pursuing his doctorate. I'm not sure what to do.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,663
There is no such thing as a high functioning alchie. I just hid it until the addiction cancer had rotted me to the core. Addiction also makes people change- including manipulation of others by emotional blackmail. It is all about them (or me). So in a relationship breakdown- they do not ask how you are- but how difficult it is for them and what you need to do for them- 'I need, I have to, I want' not 'what can I do for you?'.. Not what they have to do for themselves. Stay safe- and do what is best for YOU, not him. Promises are cheap. Change with behavioural action on the ground - and proven over time. Not just 1 AA meeting or promises.
He needs to sort himself out. The business stuff? I would suggest you do so with professional help- at least an impartial witness. Emails are good- because everything is in writing. Do not use verbals as a given.
Stay safe, keep posting- get support. My empathy and support to you. PJ
He needs to sort himself out. The business stuff? I would suggest you do so with professional help- at least an impartial witness. Emails are good- because everything is in writing. Do not use verbals as a given.
Stay safe, keep posting- get support. My empathy and support to you. PJ
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I second the idea of using email to discuss anything that needs discussing. I'd suggest laying down some ground rules, that you are not going to discuss or dissect the relationship or what went wrong. If it veers in that direction, you can say, "We agreed not to discuss that, if you can't honor that we're done with this conversation."
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there is no reason to meet in person to discuss what can be conducted via email. your safety comes first. you also may need to contact a lawyer in order to successfully end your business partnership - something i would recommend doing sooner rather than later.
getting out in less than three years is pretty exceptional. many stay for so many wasted years.
peeing the bed, showing up stumbling drunk at a kid's soccer game, blackouts - that is not high functioning. everything in his life is affected by his drinking, and it will all begin to disintegrate. again, you were wise to get out.
getting out in less than three years is pretty exceptional. many stay for so many wasted years.
peeing the bed, showing up stumbling drunk at a kid's soccer game, blackouts - that is not high functioning. everything in his life is affected by his drinking, and it will all begin to disintegrate. again, you were wise to get out.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 55
Welcome, and thank you for sharing, the first few days are difficult alone, but here you will receive plenty of support from people who have been in your situation either on your side or his.
I just want to point one thing out, there is no shame in breaking up with him via e-mail, it was probably the only way you could be sure he would remember the conversation, and you owe him nothing you don't want to give him willingly.
Be safe, be strong, and be positive of your expectations for him and you to. he needs help and you deserve respect.
I just want to point one thing out, there is no shame in breaking up with him via e-mail, it was probably the only way you could be sure he would remember the conversation, and you owe him nothing you don't want to give him willingly.
Be safe, be strong, and be positive of your expectations for him and you to. he needs help and you deserve respect.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Is there any reason to believe he would hurt you? I wouldn't meet with him either as clearly you don't want to and shouldn't be forced to. Hopefully by business with him you just mean formalities in terms of giving him his things back, and not an actual business you have with him that would require legal intervention.
Also, good on you for your decision to leave as you have a son and do not want a man like that around your children, especially if he is driving drunk. Whether he wants to admit it or not that he has a problem, the fact of the matter is that his alcohol consumption impacted your relationship and you decided to leave now and he needs to respect that.
It's normal that you are still struggling as you have been together for a long period of time and you will still mourn even if you decided to leave. It will also be harder because he is asking to see you and you may be feeling weak. You made it clear you don't want to see him and are uncomfortable by it so respect that in yourself and know it is a good decision. Also, sometimes when we see them it is their way to reel us back in. It is much harder to leave someone whose face you are looking at and will watch walk away. For the sake of your strength, no physical contact is a good thing. Good for you for having the courage to stick to your guns. Remember, it is normal to struggle with it all but it will pass!
Also, good on you for your decision to leave as you have a son and do not want a man like that around your children, especially if he is driving drunk. Whether he wants to admit it or not that he has a problem, the fact of the matter is that his alcohol consumption impacted your relationship and you decided to leave now and he needs to respect that.
It's normal that you are still struggling as you have been together for a long period of time and you will still mourn even if you decided to leave. It will also be harder because he is asking to see you and you may be feeling weak. You made it clear you don't want to see him and are uncomfortable by it so respect that in yourself and know it is a good decision. Also, sometimes when we see them it is their way to reel us back in. It is much harder to leave someone whose face you are looking at and will watch walk away. For the sake of your strength, no physical contact is a good thing. Good for you for having the courage to stick to your guns. Remember, it is normal to struggle with it all but it will pass!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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I handled everything through email & have only seen him in person once since that time. He routinely quits drinking the day after Superbowl & starts again on his birthday, which is this month. I had been talking to him pretty regularly, call me crazy, but I was hoping that he wouldn't return to drinking. Well, the day of this birthday he locked himself in the house & cut me off. I spoke to him the next day, he told me he was still in bed (at 230pm) because he'd drank so much the day before. So, it's back to drinking till he passes out again... I removed his number from my phone & changed my number.. it's time for me to let it go. I kept up communication with him because I wasn't strong enough to let him go completely, but all I did was cause myself more heartache in the long run. He will never choose me.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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I removed his number from my phone & changed my number.. it's time for me to let it go. I kept up communication with him because I wasn't strong enough to let him go completely, but all I did was cause myself more heartache in the long run. He will never choose me.
It will hurt for a while, no doubt, but that will pass. He may not have chosen you, but YOU chose you, and that's what's important.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Originally Posted by honeypig 
You are human, and so you feel the pain, but you are wise enough to have seen the truth of things and strong enough to have taken the appropriate action.
It will hurt for a while, no doubt, but that will pass. He may not have chosen you, but YOU chose you, and that's what's important.
It will hurt for a while, no doubt, but that will pass. He may not have chosen you, but YOU chose you, and that's what's important.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Juststarting1
...he locked himself in the house & cut me off. I spoke to him the next day, he told me he was still in bed (at 230pm) because he'd drank so much the day before. So, it's back to drinking till he passes out again.
Take a look at the Functioning Alcoholic re-post from honeypig. He may very well be able to check off his daily to-do list, but he is not anywhere near functioning in his ability to be present and loving with a partner. This post helped me a great deal this morning to think more about what I want and need from a mate.
Your break up is fresh and new, so let yourself have every emotion that arises. Strong feelings will come up and they will pass. The education and fellowship that you get here and from other support people will become your life boat as you sail the waves of your feelings.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I kept up communication with him because I wasn't strong enough to let him go completely, but all I did was cause myself more heartache in the long run. He will never choose me.
The best thing you could do for yourself was to finally let go.
And no, the healthy people around us will never understand why we continued to hold onto someone so unhealthy and hurtful for us.
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