James90

Ok bare with me if this post is a bit back to front or I repeat points but i just need to get a few things off my chest in whatever order they fall.

Been feeling weird recently , i wouldn't say i feel down or up or sad etc, in fact i feel normal i guess on the whole. Got caught in the moment yesterday looking at old pictures of past times , had a smile on my face as i got caught up in the nostalgic moment. In those pictures were current friends , old friends , even friends who have sadly passed away. I didn't feel any triggers to reach for the bottle it was just a rather odd feeling of emptyness that those times had gone and were never coming back. I still regularly drink in the same pub i have for 10 years now of course I'm on soft drinks now. Not one of the people that were in those photos still drink in there, its almost feels like a whole chapter of my life is now officially over , never to return. Like i said i dont know how to feel at the moment or if i should feel anything in fact it's all a bit blurry for me at the moment on that front. Have i hit wall in my recovery or is it something seperate from that? I just feel a bit flat, and i know I'm probably rambling on and this is making no sense what so ever but it's just coming out as i type. Also i used to smoke a bit of weed back in the old days nothing heavy and was never a problem in my life it was just on the odd occasion with friends etc. The last few weeks I've started smoking it maybe twice a week mostly at weekends and that's come totally out of the blue,but to me i think its like I'm trying to do things i used to like i used to without picking up the bottle. Sort of like trying to fill in gaps so i don't feel nostalgic like i mentioned earlier . Im not sure if this is a problem yet as i have no desire to drink but I'm worried as time goes on these old habits could eventually result in me getting back on the drink. I feel fine in my self , no worries , no troubles , just happily going along so i have no idea why these things have happend, they seem to have fallen infront of me without me really realising until now.

Does this make sense to anyone ? I'm 1 year 3 months sober. Anyone else at this stage had times like this?

Sorry again for the back to front post but you know how it is .

Thanks again , James.

kevlarsjal

I don't know how old you are and if that has anything to do with it. I'm 27 and a few years ago I realised that I was somewhat grown up now, all my friends moved in together, graduated from university and had serious jobs. I started to miss the old, "carefree" times (they never were that carefree, it's just how my brain chose to remember it) when I would hang out with my friends, getting drunk and being silly. Like you said, it felt like that chapter was closed forever and I had problems accepting it. I did start smoking weed again too, went out lots, was trying to bring back the lifestyle I had when I was 19/20. I also drank a whole lot (not knowing/ admitting I was an alcoholic).

I thought it was something of a "quarter life crisis" if they exist or maybe I was scared of the future and seeked comfort in the past.

I think drinking or just using any kind of substance isn't very helpful in this (or any) situation.

Also for my part I would stay away from any kind of addictive drugs. Even though alcohol is the substance you're addicted to, it's not completely unlikely to become a marijuana addcition too. Just be careful please.

Maudcat

Hi, James. Welcome back, and congratulations on your sobriety. Kudos!
A couple of things, and this is my opinion only. Putting down the drink is important, but it is only a piece of recovery. Often we have to change other elements in our lives so that we can become our best selves. Exercise, new pursuits, different ways of going about things, all help us leave the drinking person behind.
Some of us have lost friends along the way because, well, they weren't really friends but drinking buddies.
I guess I would ask how you are working your program of recovery. That you still go to the same pub but only drink soft drinks is, I don't know, kinda frown-making to me.
Other thing: I don't think weed is helpful if you are attempting recovery. End of the day, you have put down one addictive substance and picked up another. Good luck, James. Keep coming back.

Maudcat

P.S. Your post made perfect sense to me.

Linz805

I'm almost 9 months sober. I'd have to say I understand what you mean. I don't feel much of anything ha! Just flat like you said. Almost like the pink cloud is gone and my mood has stabled. I am sure this is normal. Keep on keeping on!

James90

Thanks guys, the weed isn't and won't become a problem , like I say i think i was just trying to relive past days without the drinking. Think it is just a matter of accepting this is how my life is now and time and people move on. I certainly prefer the person who i am now and love life in sobriety , sometimes letting go is a hard step though i guess.

BrendaChenowyth

Let me preface my advice by saying I was sober for 6 months, my longest streak and then I relapsed, but I have ideas of what some of my pitfalls were... One was spending too much time looking back. At my best point, I was very present in the moment and future oriented. I would even forget to use past event details for context sometimes, because I just wasn't thinking in that direction. It's tricky because we have to be aware of and understand what has happened because it's all part of the big picture, but we can't allow ourselves to dwell.

I found it hard to figure myself out in sobriety because when I was drinking I didn't have very much of an identity. I had to figure out what else I loved to do. Moving on might require a change of scenery for you.

Lastly, when we use ANYTHING as a means of coping with feeling by numbing them, we are doing exactly what we once did with alcohol and we are probably going to end up just getting to a point where we don't care if we drink or not, it doesn't matter.. that's what happened with me at least.

BrendaChenowyth

The person you once were and the life you once had don't exist any more! You are creating a new life in the present, and if you value some of the thing that were part of your life before, certainly figure out how to re-introduce them, but only if they will enrich your life.

Many of the things I miss about my past are ironically things I needed to get away from.

thomas11

James, I find sometimes that simply writing something out helps. Like you said, just get it off your chest for now.

Dee74

I take a hard line on this, but I don't think I'm projecting...

I disagree about the weed isn't or won't become a problem James.

If you're like me, I used weed in exactly the same way as I used alcohol - to escape, to not feel sad, to tolerate my existence, to feel better than I did.

It's not surprising to me that you've began to think of your past and romantise it a little - not only are the same parts of your brain being hit, but you're already dabbling (re-dabbling?) in old behaviours.

D

Grymt

I agree with Dee.

_______________


re the not feeling. It's not an excuse to smoke weed at any time.

There are basically three types of sensations that arise. Pleasant, Unpleasant and Neutral. To what extent one can discern the underlying sensations of Neutral depends on the sharpness or subtlety of the mind. Weed manufactures sensations and is never a true window to that which is not known. The way to use these moments of Neutral sensations or areas of Ignorance is to sharpen, not dull, the awareness. A sharper awareness allows the underlying sensations or feelings to manifest themseleves so they can pass away. Don't treat the areas of Ignorance with greater or lesser importance than any other realities. This strengthens the equanimity that's important in seeing things as they really are (Truth).

Forward12

I think everyone to an extent reflects from time to time back to the carefree days when all you did was hang out with your friends, party, and just have fun for a career, then it can hit home that everyone else around you has "grown up" to marriage, families, real jobs, and left that past behind, while you still may want to try and keep the "glory days" alive.
Growing up isn't fun, but it's something we all need to do.

Gottalife

I think there is more than one type of recovery you can have too. I shot for the bells and whistles one, and the pink cloud (I dont like that term much), the feeling that all is well even when things are not going my way, is more or less a permanent thing, especially compared to how I felt when I last drank. I dont take any credit for that by the way, it was the only thing that worked.

I've seen plenty of people opt for a second rate deal. I don't know why they would do that. Perhaps because they don't believe they could have the bells and whistles. These folks think a lot about not drinking, are constantly on guard, and possibly suffer from the alcoholic personality a bit. "I liked you better when you were drinking" is a comment sometimes heard from loved ones. The old boy is a bit scratchy and unpredictable. Nevertheless, these folks often clock up large spells of sobriety and are obviously a lot better off than they were drinking.

Then there is the harm minimization model, which you described quite well. I think of it as more like palliative care. Trying to live the old way with the old ideas, and the old places and maybe new substances, but no alcohol. Even a relapse is acceptable with this model. The whole point is the person is no where near as dangerous to themselves or their fellows as long as they cut down. And they will probably live longer than otherwise. No bells and whistles though, just generally flat with occasional low spots, unless chemical relief is employed.