Triggers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Triggers
The past few hrs. have not been easy. Last night I barely slept, as my mind wouldn’t shut down. As hard as it is to recover alone, sharing the experience with DH is daunting! One minute everything seems fine, we’re moving in the right direction together…then, out of the blue, the walls seem to begin to tumble.
While cleaning on Saturday, I found a ½ pint of Jamison Whiskey (half empty) in our buffet table in the dining room. It wasn’t in the cupboard that we normally keep our liquor in (now empty). Instead, it was sitting in another cabinet, where the wine glasses are kept. My heart sunk when I discovered it. Then I wondered how long it had been there. Had he put it there before we stopped drinking and just forgot about it? Or, was DH secretly taking sips? Instead of reacting, and confronting him with my discovery, I dumped what was left of the bottle down the drain and let it go.
Last night, we had a nice dinner together and planned to watch a movie on Netflix. It had been a good day (aside from finding the liquor), while he ran some errands, I did laundry and then powered through a 1 hr workout. I felt proud to be working on Day 24…together. I felt even better when he returned and told me of how he pasted a restaurant that we should try, then admitted that it’s hard for him to think about going out to dinner (something we’ve always loved to do together) without drinking. I reassured him that we just need to push through things that are uncomfortable for us and eventually things that we used to do with alcohol will become easier. We had our first dinner out together last week without incident, I thought he felt good about it…guess not. After dinner, we watched a movie, had tea and some sweet treats. Then, out of the blue and without warning, he brings up something that I said to him about his friends, when we were drunk! One of the statements that he was referring to was made over 2 yrs ago on Thanksgiving, when we were wasted! The other was something that I said (again during a drunken state), months ago (before we stopped drinking)! I was completed shocked that what began as I relaxing and enjoyable evening together had turned into him yelling at me about something that I said to him while in a drunken state. WTF?
Normally, I would have fought back and defended myself. Then pour myself a stiff drink, continue to fight, defend my actions...until we are screaming and yelling at each other. Not this time. Instead, I told him that I wasn’t going to engage in his attempt to start a fight. Needless to say, the “relaxing and peaceful” evening had been ruined. He was trying to push my buttons and I needed to get away from him. Off to bed I went. I thought of how all of this can wait to be dealt with once we are in the care of a psychologist (end of this month), a professional who can help us move through all of the hidden feelings we both have tucked away (drunk away) for years.
Once alone in the bedroom, I felt completely caught off guard, angry, confused and sad that what could have been a great evening together, turned into another bad memory. As I tried to pull myself together, I rewound the tape. What set him off? Then it clicked…I brought up a comment that one of his contractor/friend/major trigger for me (if you’ve read any of my posts, I’m referring to DT) made once. The comment used to make us laugh because it was so strange/off. This friend wanted to get together with us over the weekend, to which I declined and DH hadn’t followed up with him since the invitation. After my joking comment about his friend, DH stated that he needed to return a call DT. To which, I stated that I didn’t want to hang out with DT and if he wanted to spend time with him, he could meet him outside of our home. His initial response was “Ok, I know.” Obviously, the anger he felt towards my comment was a delayed reaction.
What a way to end what might have been a great day
. I'm tired and feeling exhausted. Quite a juxtaposition from yesterday morning! To top it all off, we’re entertaining another one of our contractors tonight. Luckily, he doesn’t drink much. This will be the first time we have invited someone for dinner since we began our road to recovery. God give me the strength to get through it!!!
Sorry for the long spew… Just needed to vent. What I'm grateful for today is: I was able to move through the triggers without a drink, and today is the first day of Spring, new beginnings
.
While cleaning on Saturday, I found a ½ pint of Jamison Whiskey (half empty) in our buffet table in the dining room. It wasn’t in the cupboard that we normally keep our liquor in (now empty). Instead, it was sitting in another cabinet, where the wine glasses are kept. My heart sunk when I discovered it. Then I wondered how long it had been there. Had he put it there before we stopped drinking and just forgot about it? Or, was DH secretly taking sips? Instead of reacting, and confronting him with my discovery, I dumped what was left of the bottle down the drain and let it go.
Last night, we had a nice dinner together and planned to watch a movie on Netflix. It had been a good day (aside from finding the liquor), while he ran some errands, I did laundry and then powered through a 1 hr workout. I felt proud to be working on Day 24…together. I felt even better when he returned and told me of how he pasted a restaurant that we should try, then admitted that it’s hard for him to think about going out to dinner (something we’ve always loved to do together) without drinking. I reassured him that we just need to push through things that are uncomfortable for us and eventually things that we used to do with alcohol will become easier. We had our first dinner out together last week without incident, I thought he felt good about it…guess not. After dinner, we watched a movie, had tea and some sweet treats. Then, out of the blue and without warning, he brings up something that I said to him about his friends, when we were drunk! One of the statements that he was referring to was made over 2 yrs ago on Thanksgiving, when we were wasted! The other was something that I said (again during a drunken state), months ago (before we stopped drinking)! I was completed shocked that what began as I relaxing and enjoyable evening together had turned into him yelling at me about something that I said to him while in a drunken state. WTF?
Normally, I would have fought back and defended myself. Then pour myself a stiff drink, continue to fight, defend my actions...until we are screaming and yelling at each other. Not this time. Instead, I told him that I wasn’t going to engage in his attempt to start a fight. Needless to say, the “relaxing and peaceful” evening had been ruined. He was trying to push my buttons and I needed to get away from him. Off to bed I went. I thought of how all of this can wait to be dealt with once we are in the care of a psychologist (end of this month), a professional who can help us move through all of the hidden feelings we both have tucked away (drunk away) for years.
Once alone in the bedroom, I felt completely caught off guard, angry, confused and sad that what could have been a great evening together, turned into another bad memory. As I tried to pull myself together, I rewound the tape. What set him off? Then it clicked…I brought up a comment that one of his contractor/friend/major trigger for me (if you’ve read any of my posts, I’m referring to DT) made once. The comment used to make us laugh because it was so strange/off. This friend wanted to get together with us over the weekend, to which I declined and DH hadn’t followed up with him since the invitation. After my joking comment about his friend, DH stated that he needed to return a call DT. To which, I stated that I didn’t want to hang out with DT and if he wanted to spend time with him, he could meet him outside of our home. His initial response was “Ok, I know.” Obviously, the anger he felt towards my comment was a delayed reaction.
What a way to end what might have been a great day
. I'm tired and feeling exhausted. Quite a juxtaposition from yesterday morning! To top it all off, we’re entertaining another one of our contractors tonight. Luckily, he doesn’t drink much. This will be the first time we have invited someone for dinner since we began our road to recovery. God give me the strength to get through it!!!Sorry for the long spew… Just needed to vent. What I'm grateful for today is: I was able to move through the triggers without a drink, and today is the first day of Spring, new beginnings
.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,200
I get the sense that you are more committed to staying of alcohol than your husband. I expect that is reasonably common when a couple decide to quit simultaneously. If thst is the case he might try to increase the pressure on you to relapse. I think you were perfectly justified in setting the boundary of not socialising with your husband's friend/contractor.
Congratulations on not picking up during this episode CreativeThinker it seems as though you at least are on a good track.
Congratulations on not picking up during this episode CreativeThinker it seems as though you at least are on a good track.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,498
One thing I learned when I stopped drinking is that just because I said something while I was drinking, didn't mean it wouldn't count. The words are still out there and my family reminded me of that, in a nice way, but the words are still there.
And, we do not keep alcohol in the house, nor do we serve alcohol in the house. It just makes things so much simpler and more comfortable. Perhaps you only think you need to serve alcohol for your dinner tonight, and perhaps your guest wouldn't mind or even notice. It might make for a less stressful dinner.
And, we do not keep alcohol in the house, nor do we serve alcohol in the house. It just makes things so much simpler and more comfortable. Perhaps you only think you need to serve alcohol for your dinner tonight, and perhaps your guest wouldn't mind or even notice. It might make for a less stressful dinner.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by saoutchik 
I get the sense that you are more committed to staying of alcohol than your husband. I expect that is reasonably common when a couple decide to quit simultaneously. If thst is the case he might try to increase the pressure on you to relapse. I think you were perfectly justified in setting the boundary of not socialising with your husband's friend/contractor.
Congratulations on not picking up during this episode CreativeThinker it seems as though you at least are on a good track.
Congratulations on not picking up during this episode CreativeThinker it seems as though you at least are on a good track.
Who knows if he is honestly committed and motivated this time? He rarely says much about how he is feeling. He flips between outbursts of anger, to being seemingly into changing his life and finding true happiness. No doubt, finding a support system would be helpful for him. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I do not want to force him to do anything. In fact, he's the one who woke up 24 days ago and said "We MUST stop drinking and change our lives!" Quite honestly, I really think he wants to recover, he just don't want to do the work.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by Anna
One thing I learned when I stopped drinking is that just because I said something while I was drinking, didn't mean it wouldn't count. The words are still out there and my family reminded me of that, in a nice way, but the words are still there.
And, we do not keep alcohol in the house, nor do we serve alcohol in the house. It just makes things so much simpler and more comfortable. Perhaps you only think you need to serve alcohol for your dinner tonight, and perhaps your guest wouldn't mind or even notice. It might make for a less stressful dinner.
And, we do not keep alcohol in the house, nor do we serve alcohol in the house. It just makes things so much simpler and more comfortable. Perhaps you only think you need to serve alcohol for your dinner tonight, and perhaps your guest wouldn't mind or even notice. It might make for a less stressful dinner.
DH does not always address his feelings by sitting down and having an adult conversation, where 1 party speaks, while the other listens. When he is manic, he blurts out his feelings, speaks over me and says insulting and hurtful things. I believe that these types of reactions are due to his ADHD.
I am far from perfect, I know that! But I am human and there is only so much that I can mentally deal with. Having said that, I appreciate your honesty and holding me accountable for my participation in this matter. I'm a Libra, balancing the scales is what I do. Hence, it's quite natural for me to look at all angles of any situation. Trust me, I beat myself up more than anyone can imagine. I just want to do the right thing, and make the right choices.
Am I wrong for putting all of our problems on the back burner until we see a professional?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Had the biggest urge to drink today since beginning my recovery. Whew, that was close! Husband and I had a drop dead, blow out "meeting of minds" this afternoon and we are back on track. I seriously felt like I had a hangover and I really was on the edge.
We agreed to cancel the dinner we planned to have with his friend tonight and reschedule for tomorrow night. THANK GOD because I feel drained.
Happy to have moved passed the urge.
Happy to sober.
Happy to feel understood by DH.
We agreed to cancel the dinner we planned to have with his friend tonight and reschedule for tomorrow night. THANK GOD because I feel drained.
Happy to have moved passed the urge.
Happy to sober.
Happy to feel understood by DH.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
When I think about how I went about changing my life after I quit drinking, I think of it like cleaning my big walk-in closet. I take all the **** out and begin going through it, and then I think "why in the hell am I doing this?! Who knew there was so much crap in here? I should have left this alone." More than once, I've abandoned the task (both the literal closet cleaning and the metaphorical), but getting through the rough stuff is the necessary means to the end. I think the old adage about things getting worse before they get better can apply to many instances in life.
Just keep moving forward without the alcohol and you will be able to address all the other stuff. It's daunting and uncertain to navigate changes, but the flip side is that, without change, you can be certain that things will end poorly if you go back to drinking.
Just keep moving forward without the alcohol and you will be able to address all the other stuff. It's daunting and uncertain to navigate changes, but the flip side is that, without change, you can be certain that things will end poorly if you go back to drinking.
Last edited by Dee74; 03-19-2017 at 04:45 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by soberlicious
When I think about how I went about changing my life after I quit drinking, I think of it like cleaning my big walk-in closet. I take all the **** out and begin going through it, and then I think "why in the hell am I doing this?! Who knew there was so much crap in here? I should have left this alone." More than once, I've abandoned the task (both the literal closet cleaning and the metaphorical), but getting through the rough stuff is the necessary means to the end. I think the old adage about things getting worse before they get better can apply to many instances in life.
Just keep moving forward without the alcohol and you will be able to address all the other stuff. It's daunting and uncertain to navigate changes, but the flip side is that, without change, you can be certain that things will end poorly if you go back to drinking.
Just keep moving forward without the alcohol and you will be able to address all the other stuff. It's daunting and uncertain to navigate changes, but the flip side is that, without change, you can be certain that things will end poorly if you go back to drinking.
I got it! So many times before I gave up and decided the mess in my closet was too overwhelming. Where do I start? It can wait until later. I'll come back to it when my mind is clearer. With each attempt at revisiting the mess, I'd start out with a vengeance..."I can do this!"... Then life's distractions and not having the proper tools to sort it all out pulled me back.
This time feels different. I'm gathering the tools needed, planning the work, working the plan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by Dee74
You're showing a lot of insight and determination CT - it's good to see
D
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
