batchel9

My husband is the intermittent drinker. He used to drink almost everyday but the last several years have been once a month to once every few months. However it comes out of nowhere and usually entails him slamming liquor at random times of day and driving.

I have been at a serious tipping point right now to where I am essentially waiting to see if he steps it up and does something or not to decide whether to leave or not.

I attempted to use my sister as a support system last night and she pretty much had the stance of "his drinking doesn't happen that often. It seems like a big part of your issues is your worrying about it." I understand that is part of my recovery process in removing myself from his issues but she acted like the worrying was not warranted. I literally never know when it's going to happen and it causes me to be skeptical and on high alert every single day.

Anyways, right now I think is alcoholism is a really big deal. But based on her comments I'm wondering today.....is it really that big of a deal? Or am I making it more of a deal than it needs to be?

It's so hard. Talking to even those that I am closest with can't relate. It makes me feel so alone. I just feel like they don't get it.

My mom divorced my dad. He drank every night after work, wasn't ever home, just did his own thing. When my mom left him it was VERY CLEAR to even the most distant bystanders why that happened. For me, since it is so intermittent....everyone has this "it's not that bad, you are making it more of a thing than it is" attitude. People do not understand the lack of trust, high level of anxiety, stress, intimacy challenges that coke with this.

SparkleKitty

Your feelings are valid. I'm sorry your sister can't be more supportive. This is pretty much why Al-Anon is suggested to anyone coming here -- face-to-face support is invaluable, and we can't always count on it from people who simply don't -- or in your sister's case, it sounds like WON'T -- understand.

The only person who the situation has to be "bad enough" for is YOU. Living with addiction can really do a number on our faith in ourselves, we can feel like we NEED external validation in order to feel okay with what we're dealing with, but ultimately, we don't need that.

ladyscribbler

I struggled a lot with seeking validation from others when I was in the process of leaving. It's silly, but I wanted other people in my life to confirm that I was doing the right thing. But they weren't living with it every day. His mom especially ranted and raved about me leaving and did some really nasty stuff before she got a dose of what I'd been dealing with on a daily basis for years. She lasted through about 6 weeks of trying to enable him back to functional alcoholism and then called me bawling her eyes out. When that happened I didn't feel validated, I just felt sorry for her. During those few weeks I had gotten past my need to have others say I'd done the right thing because it was so blatantly obvious that I had. Once I was away from it, I'd look back and wonder how I had ever lived that way.

You're really stuck on the fact that he doesn't drink every day. May I gently suggest that you look not at how often he drinks but how his behavior, including those times when he's dry but getting ready to drink again, impacts you. Other people aren't living it, you are, and it's wearing you down even when he's not drinking and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Ladybird579

This is not your sister's marriage .it's yours. Only you know the full extent of how the intermittent, at the moment, ( alcoholism's progressive so expect less and less gaps between binges as time goes on), drinking effects you and your family.

When I split with my exah my sister, who visited every single week, said I'd hid my pain well but she still supported me in what I did and realised it was my call. It's your call too regardless of people's opinions to the situation.

dandylion

batchel....you are right..they don't get it. They don't live in your skin, 24/7.
This is why I think it is best not to discuss any of the details with anyone who has not walked in your same shoes.
In fact, I don't think that it is ever a good idea to make your personal decisions by an opinion poll....or, by committee....

If it is a big deal to you...then, it is a big deal....
By the way, alcoholism is a disease of thinking....in addition to the drinking.
The thinking process is always there, even when they are sober (dry)...
This is why treatment and working the steps is so important...because it helps to change the thinking....leading to changes in attitude...leading to changes in behaviors.....

I don't think you would be posting on a forum like this if it weren't a significant problem for you.....

As you work on yourself, you will come to aplace of greater self esteem and conficence...and be more autonomous...so that you will place less weight on what other people think.....
It will free you up so much more....

****In the middle of the night...who is lying awake wondering when the other shoe is going to drop...you or your sister....I'll bet she doesn't even think about it in the middle of the night!

AnvilheadII

his drinking doesn't happen that often. It seems like a big part of your issues is your worrying about it.

actually she is right.....he isn't a daily drinker, or even every weekend.....but his drinking, when he does so, has a very deep impact upon you. and then you live on pins and needles in the in-between times.

his drinking has made YOUR life unmanageable. and you are powerless OVER his drinking.

if it's a problem for you, then it's a problem. PERIOD. it is a big deal....for you, and that is all that matters.

batchel9

I should go to Alanon. My hesitation so far has been that I live in a really small town and work for a big company so don't really want to see anyone I know or work with. I think I need to find one further away and just go to one there.

SparkleKitty

I understand. Keep in mind however, that people generally don't go to an Al-Anon meeting in the interest of digging up other people's dirty laundry. They will all be or will have been in a similar boat as you.

batchel9

You are definitely right. I am searching for validation. I think part of that is knowing I will be supported if/when the split happens. I want to have people that I can rely on.

I don't feel like he is always in a state of getting ready to drink. But he is not in a state of adamantly stopping drinking. So I guess that means that he is passively getting ready to drink. Which is eye opening to think about.

SoloMio

Other people truly don't understand, and they often unwittingly feed into our tendency to question our choices and even our own sanity. Just know that your feelings are valid, no matter what others say.

Conversely, there is the other group of people who might see what you're dealing with but don't say anything because it's none of their business. You might misinterpret their politeness for acceptance of the drinking--further making you question yourself. Those are the ones who will say after you take action, "I wondered when you were going to do something!"

Point being, don't use ANYONE else as a barometer for your feelings.

batchel9

Yes!! This summarizes my life and how I feel well.

dandylion

batchel.....ask any alcoholic, who is in recovery enough to talk about it.....the "alcoholic voice" is always in their brain, talking to them.
Even when they may look just fine to an outside observer.
The voice is getting them ready to drink again.....
It is always in the bushes...just waiting for the opportunity to claim the victim (the alcoholic)......
You, not being an alcoholic, have no idea what is inside of his head.....

honeypig

You know, I've read stories about people who did just that and then at the far-away meeting, they ended up running into someone they knew who was doing the same thing for the same reason!

Truly, there is no reason to worry about that. First of all, anyone you see there will be there for the same reasons you are, right? Why on earth would the spouse/partner of an A judge someone else for being the spouse/partner of an A?

Second, it's AlANON--as in, ANONYMOUS. Every meeting I've ever been to generally has a placard on the table stating some version of "Who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here" as well as a mention of anonymity somewhere in the introduction. First names only are used, so someone can't go look up "Betty Smith" to see if she's one of THE Smiths who own the car dealership in town or whatever. In my experience, people are there to offer and receive help, NOT to "out" people who have an A in their lives.

Third, it is entirely possible that people already know or suspect your A has a problem. Alcoholics are often not as good at hiding as they think. It might not be a newsflash to a lot of people that your A is indeed an A.

I can pretty much guarantee you, no one there is going to downplay the problem or suggest you're blowing things out of proportion like your sis did. It's almost bound to be a more welcoming experience and a more understanding group. With all of that said, quit worrying and walk in the door!

LexieCat

I second Al-Anon. And suppose that somehow, word leaks out that he's an alcoholic (not that it's likely, but for the sake of argument). Alcoholism THRIVES on secrecy.

And it might not be as secret as you think, anyway. By the time I finally got sober, when my head was clear enough, I realized that a ton of people knew, or suspected (with good reason) that I had a problem with drinking. In fact, being talked to by a boss and comments made by others in my workplace were part of the impetus for my getting sober. I realized I couldn't hide it anymore, and it could kill my career.

That said, I think it's HIGHLY unlikely there will be any gossip as a result of your going to Al-Anon right in your area. Another plus--when you go locally it's easier to make friends and get together with people in between meetings, if you're so inclined. I made some great friends in Al-Anon. One of them helped me by holding onto some boxes of my important stuff right before I moved out, and the others supported me emotionally as I made my decision and separated.

dandylion

batchel.....even in your small town....there will be hardly anyone who doesn't have an alcoholic somewhere in their lives.....
It is just kept in the closet where it thrives in the secrecy and darkness....

ladyscribbler

I understand. I grew up in a family where we were told how we should feel about certain things ( from major events like my parent's divorce to ridiculous things like TV shows). Anyone who didn't feel that way was shamed and ridiculed until they changed their mind. I spent (wasted, lol) a lot of years looking to others in my life to tell me the right way to feel about my situation.

Attending Al-Anon after I left really helped me to get over that. I couldn't go when I was with him. I knew there was a meeting close by, but I couldn't trust him to watch the kids one morning a week because it might be the day that he decided to wake up and start drinking. And once he started he couldn't stop and would spend days blacked out, not eating or really sleeping. It usually didn't end until he ran out of money, and then he'd be in a nasty mood for days afterward.

My whole life revolved around that cycle. It was awful. You don't have to live this way, but you also don't have to decide anything right this minute.
Explore your options quietly and decide how _you_ want to proceed, on your timeline. You can do this.

qtpi

Alanon yes. By the way I looked a long time for validation. From XAH's mouth- what do you mean? I don't have a problem- You are the one with the problem for thinking I have a problem. I don't drink very day... quack. Quack. Quack. It took me a while to trust my own perceptions. and by the way if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and sounds like a duck... it's a duck.

Maudcat

Batchel, just seconding that Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Its members take their anonymity very seriously. Please don't let your fear of being recognized stop you from going.
And so what if you are? I know of very few people whose lives have not been impacted by alcoholism. That's why it is called the family disease.
One more thing, and I will get off my soapbox. Addiction thrives on secrecy and feelings of shame. I am not saying you should trumpet his shenanigans from the rooftops, but do hold your head up. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. And you sure can't cure it.

teatreeoil007

Not only can immediate family members, spouses, and alcoholics themselves be in denial about "a problem"; so can friends, in-laws, neighbors, co-workers, etc. Denial is everywhere, really, and it is often written off as "not really a problem" or "not a big deal". Well, if it is a big deal to you and it bothers you, there is likely a reason for that. And sure, maybe his drinking right now is intermittent, but alcoholism is a progressive thing...

hopeful4

You do know you don't have to have anyone validate your leaving, nor do you have to even have a reason to leave. The reason that you are not unhappy and this is affecting you is enough.

I am not telling you to leave, I am not telling you to stay, no one can do that.