Did I just make a huge mistake?

Old 03-18-2017, 11:14 PM
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Did I just make a huge mistake?

Hi all,
I've been lurking for a few months and am posting in one of my darkest moments. I appreciate all the information and support found here.
Cliffs notes:
Husband volintarily completed 30 day inpatient 20 days ago and is attending outpatient 3 days a week.
His aa meeting attendence is sporadic, but I have kept my mouth shut to not interfere in his treatment plan.
I have been attending alanon meetings weekly, sometimes twice a week (the max available to me) and reading on codependency.
He has never been in legal trouble, alcohol related or otherwise.
I was hopeful regarding his recovery, although I'm a realist. I have noticed paws symptoms, but nothing too alarming.
We got into a fight last night, which started with him questioning my intentions and need for alanon. I felt he was intentionally pressing my buttons and it worked eventually. I snapped, screamed, and threw a cup.
This morning he seemed normal and kept encouraging me to go to the meeting. I didn't. He went to the store and came back super drunk. I remanded calm, waited until he woke from a 2 hour nap and ate, then offered to take him to an aa meeting. He became hostile and denied drinking (there were empty bottles in his truck).
I calmly packed my bags. I told him I wasnt going to live with him actively drinking (a set, known boundary), told him to call me if he decided to pusue sobriety again and left with the dogs. None of the petfriedly hotels in my budget had last minute vacancies, so I took them to the park and returned about 2 hours later.
He was gone. I was hopeful he went to the aa meeting. One hour passed, maybe he stayed and went to the one after? Another 30 minutes, maybe he found a sponser and is getting to know them?!?
Knock knock...it was the police.

He was found walking around an adjacent neghborhood wearing nothing but a shirt and baseball cap. I explained the situation, and they asked if I wanted to pick him up instead of having him arrested for public intoxication and indescent exposure. I did. And I am struggling with that choice.
I do not know why he was in that neighborhood, or where his pants, keys, or truck is.
He is finally alseep, but spent the first couple hours calling me a crazy bitch for "doing this to him" and slamming doors.
I know you pride yourselves in not telling people what to do, but like a newbie I'm asking anyways.
1. Should I have let him get arrested?
2. Should / how do I get him into inpatient again?
3. He has his first apot with a psychiatrist monday. Should I insist on going?
4. Should I leave if he doesn't go back to inpatient?
5. Are the lines of enabling really as blurry as I think during early recovery (or post treatment), or should I just stamp a big E on my forehead?

I am so lost, confused, and alone. Thank for taking the time to read my story.
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Old 03-19-2017, 12:09 AM
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Sorry you are going through this
I don't have any answers for you as I am the one that had a drinking problem in my relationship but I do know that tough love didn't work for me.
And I also know that I had to be the one who really wanted to stop drinking, I couldn't do it for anyone else but myself.
I really hope your hubby has hit his rock bottom now and he can truly accept that he needs to stop drinking. He has to want a better life more than drinking.
Inpatient treatment won't work unless he really wants to stop, unfortunately it takes some traumatic experiences for that 'want' to kick in.
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Old 03-19-2017, 12:19 AM
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Hi txbuttercup, sorry for what you're going through.
Please remember, none of his actions are your fault. I was a drinker and we blame anything but the source.
He won't stop drinking until he really wants , by hitting rock bottom or a shock like I had, when my husband left. I found out how much I loathed myself when drinking.
There's plenty of support if he does stop.
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Old 03-19-2017, 12:34 AM
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Sorry you are going through this. I would urge you to take good care of yourself and your pets. Al-anon was an enormous help to me. I came to realise all my priorities in life were distorted.

Best wishes to you.
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Old 03-19-2017, 03:44 AM
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Rather than what you 'should' do or have done, what do you want to do? What can and can't you live with?
You've made a boundary for yourself that you won't stick around now he's drinking, but do you have a plan and somewhere to stay?
As for getting him back into inpatient, do you need to do that, or should he make those arrangements himself in conjunction with the professionals treating him?
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:27 AM
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1. Should I have let him get arrested?
2. Should / how do I get him into inpatient again?
3. He has his first apot with a psychiatrist monday. Should I insist on going?
4. Should I leave if he doesn't go back to inpatient?
5. Are the lines of enabling really as blurry as I think during early recovery (or post treatment), or should I just stamp a big E on my forehead?


Its to late for shoulds and should nots. You set a boundary of not wanting to be around him when he is actively drinking so I' d say make sure you have somewhere you can take the dogs in future. Going back after 2 hours will make him believe you don't mean it.

I would have let him get arrested. It's not about tough love its about him accepting responsibility for what he does and realising his actions have consequences. However you didn't and it's done now. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Only you can decide if you want to leave if he doesn't get help. You have said you don't want to stay if he is drinking so I guess that answers that.

He will only get help if and when he feels like it. You can't get him help. You can't make him get into inpatient, therapy or anything else. It 's got to be motivated by him. I don't believe in rock bottoms either ...sorry to say. Some have no bottom. My exah has no bottom. He has died 3 times and had cpr 3 times and is dying now but he still drinks.
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:42 AM
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Hi, Txbuttercup--glad that you found us here and have been reading around the forum. It certainly seems like you've taken in some of what you've read and are making a start for yourself. Good for you!

1. Should I have let him get arrested? Generally the advice is to not save the A from the consequences of his actions.

2. Should / how do I get him into inpatient again? As another member pointed out, this is HIS responsibility, if he is even interested. It doesn't sound like he is. Unfortunately, it's not like taking your car to the garage, where someone makes adjustments or replaces broken parts and things are as good as new. In recovery, the A has to take an active part in things, has to work hard to learn a whole new way to live. From what you've said here, I don't see him expressing any desire to do that, and w/o that desire, nothing is going to make a difference.

3. He has his first appointment with a psychiatrist Monday. Should I insist on going? Again, this is HIS responsibility, not yours. It would be a much better use of your time if you got some counseling or therapy for yourself (from someone who is knowledgeable about alcoholism) or if you got to an Alanon meeting.

4. Should I leave if he doesn't go back to inpatient? Yup, you're right, not going to tell you what to do or not do here! Definitely DO start making plans concerning leaving. Where to stay, what to take and so on. Also, make sure you're clear on what your reasons for leaving would be. Are you trying to force him to "see all he is losing" and hope that he gets sober? Or are you trying to preserve your own sanity?

5. Are the lines of enabling really as blurry as I think during early recovery (or post treatment), or should I just stamp a big E on my forehead? Well, maybe put an E on there, but use something water-soluble so you can wipe it off as you learn better ways of dealing with things....

I hope that, now that you've broken your silence, you'll keep posting here as well as reading, reading and reading more. I also hope that you'll take yourself to Alanon soon. They are a wonderful resource for education, inspiration, and face-to-face support.

Again, glad you found us here, Txbuttercup. There IS a way forward for you, and as long as you keep looking for the next step, you'll find your path.
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Old 03-19-2017, 05:01 AM
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Ladybird......I pretty much agree with what Ladybird has just posted.....
***I do wonder where his vehicle, keys and pants are....because, if he doesn't know...due to alcoholic blackout or possible head injury from being assaulted or in an accident..or some other questionable activity in that particular neighborhood...this would be something to be of concern....

Living with alcoholism and wanting the partner to go into real recovery can push a person to the edges of desperation....and lead us, ourselves, to behaving in ways that we don't even recognize or want to be.....
We come to feel like our very lives and our way of life depends on the actions of another person. That is how much their alcoholism comes to control us.
I think it is safe to say that the alcoholism affects the loved ones as much as it affects the alcoholic.....

I think that the boundary that you set, already needs to be enforced...or your words will ring hollow to him....and, you are still living in the middle of this chaos....
I think getting some distance, for yourself would give you a chance to think clearly and assess your situation without so much strong emotion on board....
It is helpful to cling to the support of those who have been through this, and to the professionals who can help you with your decision making and your own needs....
When you leave, you do need a plan A...and, a plan B....and C....

Bottom line...he is going to do whatever he is going to do...the question, is, as always...what are you going to do?
Keep your own welfare in mind....and you will figure it out...
He is not capable of dealing with your welfare...he can't even take care of himself.....

***I am saying all of this without knowing if there has been any abuse (I know there has been verbal abuse), other than what you have said. If there has been abuse of the unsafe kind....that makes the necessity of getting other kinds of help more immediate....
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Old 03-19-2017, 05:09 AM
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Oh ugh. I'm sorry you are in that position. First off, he was picking a fight with you to begin with just so he could have a reason to drink. It would have happened anyway. He wanted you to go to your meeting the next morning I'm guessing so he could drink then take his nap in peace. He needs to stay on HIS side of the street concerning YOUR meetings. Likewise, you should stay on your side concerning his recovery (including his psych appointments). Yeah, you probably should have let him be arrested so he'd have some real consequences for his actions, but that's water under the bridge. As another said, I would keep my boundary that you'll leave if there's active drinking (and make sure you do have a place in case it's an abrupt leave again).
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Old 03-19-2017, 05:35 AM
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Hi, Txbuttercup. Welcome to SR. There is a saying around here and in the AA and Al-Anon rooms: when we know better, we do better.
It sounds like you are teetering between maintaining boundaries--leaving if he drinks--and wanting to help him in his recovery--go to the appointment with him.
As Refiner and others have said, your recovery is yours, his is his.
You can't control another's behavior. He is an addict, alas, and doesn't seem to want to change just now.
You, on the other hand, do. Go with that. Work a plan. Could be moving out. Could be just getting away for a time when he drinks.
Keep going to Al-Anon. It sounds like it is helping you. Don't let him get into that with you.
Should you have let him get arrested? Yah, probably. If nothing else, it would have given you a few days of quiet that would help you figure things out.
And it would have sent him a heckava message. Peace.
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Old 03-19-2017, 06:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Txbuttercup View Post
Husband volintarily completed 30 day inpatient 20 days ago and is attending outpatient 3 days a week.
This is really good news I think. Shows desire to make life changes.

His aa meeting attendence is sporadic, but I have kept my mouth shut to not interfere in his treatment plan.
I didnt have any interest in terms of if my husband went to his meetings or not. He could go if it helped him, was his choice.

We got into a fight last night, which started with him questioning my intentions and need for alanon. I felt he was intentionally pressing my buttons and it worked eventually. I snapped, screamed, and threw a cup.
When I get upset like this, its a reminder for me to work on my own coping skills.

This morning he seemed normal and kept encouraging me to go to the meeting. I didn't. He went to the store and came back super drunk. I remanded calm, waited until he woke from a 2 hour nap and ate, then offered to take him to an aa meeting. He became hostile and denied drinking (there were empty bottles in his truck).
I calmly packed my bags. I told him I wasnt going to live with him actively drinking (a set, known boundary), told him to call me if he decided to pusue sobriety again and left with the dogs. None of the petfriedly hotels in my budget had last minute vacancies, so I took them to the park and returned about 2 hours later.
Ive been told relapse starts in ones thinking processes, can be triggered by many things. One of the purposes of recovery work is to help identify triggers, and learn how to stop and make a different choice, or to seek out their support systems.. But Ive also been told relapse is common in early recovery and people can learn positive things from it. Depends how he handles it.


I know you pride yourselves in not telling people what to do, but like a newbie I'm asking anyways.
1. Should I have let him get arrested?
I was down that road when my Inlaws thought it would "help" my husband to call the police so he could be held accountable for his behavior. It just worked out really poorly for all of us, including my husband and he was just beginning to engage in the recovery process on his own at the time it happened, This just delayed his getting proper care.

Dont beat yourself up, because there is no way to know if it would have been a positive or negative in your husbands case. And you did what you felt was best at the time.

2. Should / how do I get him into inpatient again?
3. He has his first apot with a psychiatrist monday. Should I insist on going?
Overall I try to let my husband be the designer of his own treatment plan, but I have strong feelings on the need for proper medical care, and the use of credentialed therapists. And Ive never been shy about sharing my views on this. I behave the same as I would if he was trying to figure out what kind of help to get for any other medical problem. I have gone with my husband to see some of his doctors, but it was with his blessing, otherwise I think it could have led to a lot of conflict, and he probably would have got less out of the face time with the doctor. I am always respectful and let him lead the direction it all goes, but will ask my own questions, or add things if I think it needs to be said. It works for both of us.

4. Should I leave if he doesn't go back to inpatient?
Thats your decision. Id just suggest looking at his actions after he sobers up, and see what kind of plan he comes up with.


5. Are the lines of enabling really as blurry as I think during early recovery (or post treatment), or should I just stamp a big E on my forehead?
No, I dont think you are deserving of a big "E"
Everyone has their own opinions on this stuff. We all do the best we can with the facts and knowledge that we have about the situation at the time. Our actions - What might be an appropriate response - for someone going through early recovery voluntarily for the first time, might not be the same response a person would give the fifth time, or if its clear a negative pattern has been established.

If you can along with Alanon, Id suggest maybe seeing a therapist who specialized in addiction medicine to help YOU learn, and deal with your own feelings and emotions. Its been the biggest help to me.
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Old 03-19-2017, 07:01 AM
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Hi, buttercup,

You've gotten great feedback here, so I really don't have anything to add. Just sending you a hug--I know how difficult it is. Keep taking care of YOU.
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Old 03-19-2017, 07:15 AM
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T,
Your husband is an addict. What he does with his life is his choice, it no longer has anything to do with you. Like the other posters said, you are in control of your life. We all have choices in life. Step back from his "recovery" and work on your own. Your doing a good job, just keep moving forward.
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Old 03-19-2017, 07:31 AM
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He has never been in legal trouble, alcohol related or otherwise.

well, we can take THAT out of the narrative, eh? if i understand the timing right, you were gone from the house approx 2 hours, then another 1.5 hours and the cops are at your door - he was found minus truck AND pants wandering around. prior to your departure, he'd come off a two hour nap and seemed reasonably coherent.

one would have to consume a lot of alcohol in a short period of time (less than 3.5 hours) to be so out of it they are traipsing around in their underwear, unable to recall where they left their vehicle etc. he was at one point driving a vehicle in that condition - before he abandoned it.

in other words, this guy has a very big problem with alcohol. a very strong and ultimately dangerous reaction, disease is well progressed. zero to 60, and all that.

it will be interesting and very telling what HE has to say. what HE says HE needs to do. that's what i would pay attention to. his words - and then more importantly his ACTIONS.
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Old 03-19-2017, 07:39 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post

one would have to consume a lot of alcohol in a short period of time (less than 3.5 hours) to be so out of it they are traipsing around in their underwear
I don't think he was wearing any underwear 😳
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Old 03-19-2017, 07:53 AM
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I think there are multiple possibilities....
None of them good.
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Old 03-19-2017, 10:08 AM
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Hi -just skimmed this but I understand the confusion about what to do-- and it occurred to me- just as the XAH had to really really want to not drink anymore in order to change- in order to change I had to really really want not to live with an alcoholic and all the pain and misery. I had to want more than that life offered me.
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Old 03-19-2017, 10:19 AM
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Thank you for the thoughtful replies.

We found his truck in a green belt between our neighborhoods parked over a sidewalk. Nothing stolen and the police were already there.

It is so bizarre how I rationalize things. "But it was the first time he's done anything like this" I tell myself...as if we all get one free pass to walk around naked in public.

I am still confused. His actions for 49 days had indicated to me the desire to change and willingness to do the work...although now I'm thinking it might be rose colored glasses? He seemed engaged during inpatient to me and his therapist. I am getting mixed signals from alanon and his treatment facility. The center says it is possible to sincerely want change but still struggle and slip until the brain chemisty catches up to the heart. Mistakes don't mean they don't want it, just that they havent honed their tools (daily aa meetings would be good for that, ahem). A couple alcoholics have replied (thank you!), so I'd appreciate insight if you have it.
On the other hand, proof is in the pudding.

I'm taking the wise advice to back off the psych appt. When we got home, he sat down and said "I don't know what to do. I just need to never drink again." I replied that it is the definition of insanity if he doesn't change his current treatment and expects different results. He could go back to inpatient, partial hospitalization, attend more aa, get a sponsor, try antibuse, or whatever combo, but he is setting himself up for failure to not to take action.
He is at an aa meeting now. I'll go to alanon this evening and have my bimonthly therapy this tuesday.
I am struggling with my love for him, the reality of the disease, and my own difficiences for lack of a better word. I was raised amongst addicts and alanon has helped me realize I've been a rescuer and enabler atleast going back to when I became a big sister at 7. I know no other way of life or behavior. I have no "before alcoholism" to go back to as reference. Many of what I always thought were my greatest, perhaps only, attributes turn out to be mere symptoms of being raised around addiction. That is hard to handle. Me learning about healthy behaviours feels like a blind man learning about colors. I'm starting from square one, so thank you again for your replies.
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Old 03-19-2017, 10:24 AM
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Tx, I know exactly how you feel. I was raised a codependent in a family with an alcoholic parent, and so much of what I *thought* was noble and selfless and admirable about myself was actually just the result of never learning how to have boundaries or a healthy sense of self-esteem. I didn't see that until I was thirty-two years old, but I can tell you that now, at forty-five, with a lot of therapy and self-care under my belt, I find it hard to remember what it felt like to be that way.

If I can recover, anyone can!
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Old 03-19-2017, 10:42 AM
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If I am understanding your post correctly, the treatment center is basically saying that relapses happen, and it might take him a while to find his way to sobriety?
So I guess thes question to answer, not today, but at some point, is do you want to stay for that ride?
Only you know the answer to that question.
In the meantime, keep working on those boundaries and keep thinking about what YOU want going forward.
Loving an addict is somewhat of a lesson in counterintuitive thinking. We want to help, but often our help deflects them from coming to terms with their condition and, hopefully, making positive changes for themselves.
Stay strong and continue on your path. I would read the stories others in situations like yours have posted. Could be very informative.

Last edited by Maudcat; 03-19-2017 at 10:43 AM. Reason: Skipped words
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