blazer43

Hey All,
This is my first post, but I have been reading these forums for quite some time. I've finally gotten up the courage to post because of the inspirational posts here - but also because my drinking has been a real cause for concern and potentially could ruin my chosen career.

A little background on me. I am currently a medical student set to graduate in 2 months. I have always had a litany of issues that I've dealt with since about middle school - when I was 13 years old or so. At that time I was having trouble fitting in and feeling comfortable at school and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. I was placed on an SSRI and have been on one in some form since. I was also diagnosed with mild depression which I believe was due to the constant anxiety I experienced. The older I got, the more medications have been added - including antipsychotics to benzos. Unfortunately none of these medications worked as well as alcohol to relieve my anxiety and depression (temporarily of course). The first time I got drunk was at 15 and it felt absolutely amazing. I had no worries - I had confidence - I didn't feel the burden I constantly felt while sober. So began the weekend drinking episodes with my highschool friends. Virtually every weekend we would get plastered - and I would always be the one to drive. It's a miracle I never got a DUI.

Fast forward to now - Through the first 2 years of medical school I did exceptionally well. My drinking was "under control" through the eyes of a self-diagnosed alcoholic.... I limited my drinking to 1-2 times a week on the weekends. I had a 3.94 GPA, was ranked #9 out of 100 people in my class, and on paper was an amazing student. During 3rd and 4th year I was constantly changing where I lived - each month moving across the country for a different hospital rotation. The stress caught up with me, and I turned to the IPAs to ease my mind. I then moved in with my girlfriend who is also a medical student and we have been in the same location for the past 6 months where we will stay until graduation in 2 months. She recently expressed concern over my drinking which of course makes me feel awful. I have tried to hide it from everybody close to me - this has caused me guilt and shame, upset with myself for allowing it to get to this point. My drinking habits are as follows: Used to drink only Friday and Saturday nights - about 6 light beers. Then it became 6 IPAs...then slowly over the last 2 months I have been drinking at least 2 times during the work week as well, so 4x weekly. 6 IPAs and a half bottle of wine, or even more - to the point I am barely able to stumble into bed. I frequently stay up later than my girlfriend - to continue to drink and watch TV until all the alcohol I have is gone. This really upsets her because she always likes to go to sleep together and can't understand why I want to stay up and drink. I also have problems remembering what we have talked about - even while I'm sober, which really scares me. This has definitely caused a strain in our relationship.


I have been engaging is increasingly risky drinking activities over the last month, including driving when I am under the influence and even drinking beer as I drive. A DUI would absolutely ruin me, given my profession. I am scared. I can't seem to control myself after I start drinking... I now even have cravings when I am sober as the evening starts to come as this is my typical drinking time. On Monday we will both find out where we will do our 3 year surgical residency....or will find that I am without a program if I am unlucky.

So I've finally gotten to the point where I think I need to see someone who can help me. I have contacted a alcohol treatment center near where I live and have put in motion a line of communication with them. I have not yet scheduled an appointment for an evaluation, but hopefully am able to do so for next week. I really need some recommendations here. My social anxiety seems to get exponentially worse the day after I drink, which makes it hard to reach out for help and talk to anybody, especially somebody who can give me guidance. I am truly scared for my future if I am unable to get my drinking under control. The profession I am in has absolutely no tolerance for substance abuse, so being arrested or coming to work drunk could negate all the hard work I've done.

A final note note - I really respect all of you here on this forum for opening up and sharing your struggles and progress towards recovery. You have been my motivation and inspiration to post. I really admire you all because I now know how hard it is to achieve and maintain sobriety in this stressful world we live in. Thank you all - it feels really good to have typed this and expressed the situation I am in, and I am excited to be part of this community

biminiblue

Alcohol dependence/withdrawal, it gets all of us. It's the nervous system trying to bounce back and find its level again after being heavily sedated with alcohol. All your meds are not working properly while you are using alcohol.

I would schedule that intake appointment ASAP. You have a lot to lose. You can be past this quickly if you take action now and go on to lead a successful life.

Welcome to the site.

Grymt

Sit a ten day Vipassana course :

Dhamma

D122y

Blazer,

Welcome sir.

My experience has been since I quit my anxiety has mellowed.

It was horrible for months. Not all the time, but off and on.

Sometimes I thought I was going to collapse in front of my coworkers.

Standing in lines waiting for a show was terrible.

Driving on the highway was scary. I had to drive below the posted speed limit.

This lasted for at least 1 year. That is how bad it got.

Now I drive over the speed limit again. I pass slow pokes.

I am calm at work and things hardly bother me.

So, it got better. I had to suffer to get here.

Now, the suffering has turned into distraction. Soon it will all be serenity.

We are not designed to drink booze. It is a learned behavior. Unlearn it.

Thanks.

blazer43

Thanks D122,
I can identify with the anxiety..... I hope I can push through it like you did.. I have a long way to go.. Haven't had more than one day sober in the past week... but working on it.

bluedog97

Welcome blazer. It's good you are posting and looking to solve your problem with alcohol. My drinking got progressively worse over time and derailed an otherwise promising career. I can't change any of the wreckage I've caused but I can choose not to create any more.

Linz805

My drinking was also increasing over time and before I knew it I was here and in AA. i haven't gotten a dui yet, still have my home and the same job in corporate America but I know all those things would be at risk if I didn't stop drinking. I found in my situation and others the drinking does get worse. Stop while you have a chance and maybe you won't have to experience the pain of continuing drinking. reach out to people like you have done that are sober! It is totally worth it! I hope you find what you are looking for

PhoenixJ

Blazer- yes you are right- the health professions do not tolerate addiction. It is a hidden curse. You need to ensure your sobriety- for you. Not for being a medico as a first priority- FOR YOU. Alcohol- or any other of the myriad numbers of drugs you will be trusted with are a red flag. Drink driving is a good example. Doctors are trusted. With the pressures you have in your personal life- how will you cope with a surgical residency? There is a great deal of pressure, long hours, the culture, limited support. Plus your gf, moving, exams...drinking is an inappropriate way of dealing with stuff. People's lives will depend on your judgement. Not only the big stuff like identifying an aortic -a but little things (?) like cross infection, handwashing and reliable documentation. Impaired judgement from a hangover may mean bad stuff.

So for your sake in the first place, you need to deal with the alcohol. Stop drinking. Get support- do not just hope. Intelligence has nothing to do with addiction. It needs to be a focus- with daily support, commitment and hard work. Do not think will power will work by itself. Even if it means postponing your plans in life to hit this on the head? You know what supports are available to you. Be honest- perhaps even see the senior academics of your medical school telling them honestly so they can support you as well.
You have my empathy and support- I have been through that grist mill and it is not a place you want to go-it is soul destroying. You have the smarts and the awareness. Learn from others- not by rock bottom experiences. PJ

Done4today

welcome Blazer, there is a solution and making a plan is a step in the right direction. I identify with so much that you have written. I didn't realize my problems until after the dui, career suicide, and lost relationships. Good luck and many prayers for you. Keep coming back and posting your concerns, feelings, etc. We are all here to help one another to not let our disease beat us.

Delilah1

Welcome to SR! Glad you are here.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support, as well as in real life, can help you get sober for good. It takes some effort and changes but is really worth it.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR, Blazer!!

I am a recovering addict who lost her career as an RN to addiction. I wish I knew then, what I know now.

My DOC (drug of choice) was more. I went to AA as I felt comfortable there and it wasn't any time at all before I was sitting next to a pulmonary doctor I knew well who had over 20 years in recovery. Soon found several nurses.

The medical profession does not tolerate addiction well, though they WILL offer you help. I couldn't afford it, but it's worth checking into.

I don't know where you live, but I know in my area (Atlanta), there are rehab facilities specifically for medical professionals.

Please, keep reading and posting here. I lost a career I was really good at and dearly loved. This does not have to happen to you.

I know of several medical professionals (doctors, nurses, NAs, PAs, etc.) who have sought recovery and did what they needed to do to get/keep their license.

I wish you the best and I believe you can do this.

LoveHateMerlot

My Dad was a Doctor :-) He worked in the ER, then he became a gastroenterologist. He retired at 65, immediately bought a barge to travel the canals through France with my mom, but found out he had cancer, it spread like wildflowers. He died 6 months later, in 2011. He never got a chance, not one chance, to be captain of his boat. Life is short.

In this community, you will feel welcome. I'm on my 3rd day sober, many efforts before, but it's different having this SR community. You don't need to be ashamed or scared. They will make you feel like you found a different kind of family who actually understands everything you say! Do not give up, please, for the sake of all those future patients that you can care for. You should be so proud of yourself, not only for making it through all your hard work, but making it successfully with the monkey on your back.

Good job on reaching out! You can do this!! xoxoxoxoxo

MissPerfumado

My friend, you can do this. You are right to be scared about jeopardising your future if you continue to drink. If you stop now, you are giving yourself the best chance of success.

It goes without saying that you must learn to deal with the anxiety sober. I suffered some anxiety as well, and it has really ironed out significantly since I stopped drinking.

I hold great store by my career and although there is more to life than work, it is a source of pride for me to do it as well as I can. I am now starting to look beyond the "job" to making a larger difference to other people's lives. I could never have even thought of doing this if I kept on drinking.

Meraviglioso

Hi and welcome. Good for you for recognising your problem and wanting to get a handle on it before it costs you your relationship and career. No, staying sober is not easy but it is possible with focus and work.
As for the anxiety, I think you will find it fades as you clean out your body and mind. The meds- I am not a doctor (neither are you yet ) and we cannot give medical advice here. However, i will tell you my experience, I was on a litany of meds for anxiety, mild depression, etc. (bentos mood stabilisers, anti-depressants antipsychotics, you name it, I've tried them all) I recently went to a new psychiatrist who looked at my most recent list of medications and said I was just taking a mess of pills (all prescribed) he said that sometimes less is more. Taking more meds does not always mean things will settle down and you will feel "more" better because you are taking more meds. He cut out a lot of things and cut down the dosages on the two that he left and I feel a LOT better. I would suggest making an appointment with a psychiatrist (not just your family MD) and he or she will probably order some blood work and come up with a more specific medication regimen for you that might work better.

Would you have time between your hospital rotations and your residency for a stay in rehab to get yourself on the right path to sobriety? I cannot recommend rehab enough. In fact, it has been a year since I went and recently I have been aching to go back, just to have some "time off from life" I'm not actively drinking anymore and I wouldn't want to leave my kids again so I won't go, but it was that good of an experience for me that I actually want to return for another month stay.

One thing I remember our psychologist telling my group during one of our group sessions was that we are not bad people or damaged people, we are normal people who just cannot drink normally. In her years working with alcoholics she has seen all kinds of people come in for treatment- including doctors, nurses, nuns, priests, politicians, celebrities, all walks of life.

Next (I say "next" because I am all over the place with this post, is is not very linear, excuse me!) the memory stuff is very worrying. Especially given your choses career. You need a sharp mind. Blackouts are no joke and not remembering stuff during the day is a bad sign. You really need to clean yourself out now to prepare for your residency and your career. A visit with your doctor will help you evaluate any long term damage you may have done. Do not let this every worry you though. I had the very same experience and symptoms and with extended sobriety I feel myself getting better and better with each passing day. My mind is much sharper now. But you need to go in clean. My psychologist explained it like this: if a house floods you first need to drain out all the water to be able to inspect the walls for mould, the foundation for damage, etc. You can't go in and have all the tests done while you are still actively drinking, it would be somewhat useless.

Next, ask about Campral. It is a medication that surpasses alcoholic cravings. It is NOT a magic pill that just makes you never drink again, you still have to work at sobriety. But it does make cravings less frequent and less intense. In addition, it is said (and this is a more specific question for your doctor) to help repair damaged connections in the brain due to alcohol use.

Best of luck with your residency news and with sobriety!

Dee74

Hi Blazer
some sterling advice here already.

Like others have said best to stem the tide now before it becomes a tsunami.

It's not impossible to turn things around - hard perhaps, but there is support understanding and encouragement here - you can do this

Welcome to SR

D

Cornbread

Thanks a lot for opening up. This disease is no respecter of persons. I was in a hospital with Dr. that was an alcoholic many years ago. He was a young guy with a beautiful career/practice, lovely wife and two daughters. A week after treatment he relapsed and rolled his Porche going very fast...the result was death. I'll never forget that.

This is something to be taken very seriously. Our alcoholic voice will tell us we are OK and that we can control it even in the face of great lose. The result is always the same - guilt, shame and regret.

I highly recommend that you get e Big Book ASAP and begin reading it. The steps are very helpful to those of us that cannot do this alone.

God bless...please post if you have need.

Chuck39

Thanks for posting Blaze, look at what you've accomplished thus far with your education. I know that was no walk in the park so you've already proven you are up for a challenge! See if you can apply that same logic to sobriety. I imagine you are still quite young, in your 20s, don't spend years or decades being noncommittal to this problem. Start your path to sobriety now and enjoy what so many of us missed out on earlier in life. A chance to really shine and enjoy the fruits of your labor. You can do this!

FreeOwl

Welcome.

In my journey of sobriety, I've encountered many medical professionals in recovery. It's a profession that seems disproportionately prone to addiction.... so you're definitely not alone.

Imagine all the good you can do in the world, not just a doctor..... but a SOBER doctor.

I'm inspired and glad thay you're here, that you grabbed the courage to share, that you're choosing to reach out for help and build a new life for yourself.

Stick to it.... I promise you will be deeply grateful you did.

Gottalife

If you are anything like me you may find that logic, knowledge and willpower will be about as effective as the medical solutions you have tried so far. It turned out my problem was not primarily medical or intellectual, but spiritual. It had to do with my inability to fit into the world as it is. I needed a complete rearrangement of personality, a psychic change if you will, where I became able to handle life without the need or desire to drink. I was 22 at the time, and have been sober ever since.

I was something of a basket case at that time, never achieved anything in my life, but among my friends in early recovery were two recovered alcoholic doctors who were absolutely wonderful. Among my friends today is a young psychiatrist who has been sober a good many years.

You might enjoy Dr Bob's Nightmare in the book Alcoholics Anonynous. You may see some similarities to your own circumstances.