Trying to let go of control. Oh, and hi! 😊
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Trying to let go of control. Oh, and hi! 😊 Greetings! I am currently trying to type on my phone while clutching the coin a 20 year sober AA member. as well as al-anon member, gave me at the end of my first meeting with that group. It has not left my hand or pocket since I he gifted it to me with a warm and empathetic smile.
I started going to al-anon (although so far have only been to two meetings, but it has only been a week) because my boyfriend's inpatient counselor told me it was the best thing I could do for him, when I asked her. I went to one that night and about 3/4 of the way through the meeting it dawned on me. "Duh! My dad is an alcoholic too." I always forget this because he is so extremely high functioning, and laughs off any suggestions or idea that he has a drinking problem.
The second meeting I had another epiphany, almost all my my relationships where I was head over heels in love, and we were planning serious future together- they all had active substance abuse problems or full blown addictions. Even guys that I saw casually, but continued to allow to mistreat me terribly, had those problems. I am just now, with the help of the al-anon book, my online CBT workshop, the thoughts of the day app and talking to a very good friend who is a 3 years clean addict, working on what it is about me that seems to only feel alive when I am in love with an addict.
My boyfriend is now 22 days sober and is in a sober living house. He has been very distant and hardly ever calls anymore, never tells me he loves me when we get off the phone. I am doing everything within my power to stay calm, to not get upset when he does finally call. I can't imagine what he is going through right now. (I have bipolar and some other things so while I do not understand addiction I do understand what it is like to fight for your life everyday and make your mental health your priority)
Anyways, I haven't heard from him since yesterday when he used his mom's cell phone to call me. He sounded really good, and told me he would call me when she left in a few minutes in the computer. I stayed up till 5am and he never logged on. Talked to his mom today and she told me randomly that she bought him a orepaid cell phone until he gets a job and can afford another regular one on the family plan.
I'm sorry, I am not trying to bash him. I am so proud of him, and I love him so much. Maybe too much. Or maybe he is my addiction? I don't know. I'm just looking for peace him myself, and in doing so I would hope that he can recover with me still by his side.
Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.
Any insight from recovering alcoholics/addicts about what it is like to deal with loved ones, esp romantic ones (although we were best friends for about 4 years prior to becoming a couple)?
Thank you very much.
I started going to al-anon (although so far have only been to two meetings, but it has only been a week) because my boyfriend's inpatient counselor told me it was the best thing I could do for him, when I asked her. I went to one that night and about 3/4 of the way through the meeting it dawned on me. "Duh! My dad is an alcoholic too." I always forget this because he is so extremely high functioning, and laughs off any suggestions or idea that he has a drinking problem.
The second meeting I had another epiphany, almost all my my relationships where I was head over heels in love, and we were planning serious future together- they all had active substance abuse problems or full blown addictions. Even guys that I saw casually, but continued to allow to mistreat me terribly, had those problems. I am just now, with the help of the al-anon book, my online CBT workshop, the thoughts of the day app and talking to a very good friend who is a 3 years clean addict, working on what it is about me that seems to only feel alive when I am in love with an addict.
My boyfriend is now 22 days sober and is in a sober living house. He has been very distant and hardly ever calls anymore, never tells me he loves me when we get off the phone. I am doing everything within my power to stay calm, to not get upset when he does finally call. I can't imagine what he is going through right now. (I have bipolar and some other things so while I do not understand addiction I do understand what it is like to fight for your life everyday and make your mental health your priority)
Anyways, I haven't heard from him since yesterday when he used his mom's cell phone to call me. He sounded really good, and told me he would call me when she left in a few minutes in the computer. I stayed up till 5am and he never logged on. Talked to his mom today and she told me randomly that she bought him a orepaid cell phone until he gets a job and can afford another regular one on the family plan.
I'm sorry, I am not trying to bash him. I am so proud of him, and I love him so much. Maybe too much. Or maybe he is my addiction? I don't know. I'm just looking for peace him myself, and in doing so I would hope that he can recover with me still by his side.
Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.
Any insight from recovering alcoholics/addicts about what it is like to deal with loved ones, esp romantic ones (although we were best friends for about 4 years prior to becoming a couple)?
Thank you very much.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,174
Welcome to SR InAllYourWaysĺ
Do you have a problem with alcohol yourself? I was not quite sure from your post as you mentioned that your boyfriends inpatient counsellor advised that it would be the best thing you could do FOR HIM. I would suggest that if you do attend AA it needs to be for yourself.
It seems to me that your boyfriend is getting lots of help and giving little back in the way of thanks or support so I would concentrate on your own health and try to be an independent person who is not dependent on your boyfriend for happiness
Good luck to you
Do you have a problem with alcohol yourself? I was not quite sure from your post as you mentioned that your boyfriends inpatient counsellor advised that it would be the best thing you could do FOR HIM. I would suggest that if you do attend AA it needs to be for yourself.
It seems to me that your boyfriend is getting lots of help and giving little back in the way of thanks or support so I would concentrate on your own health and try to be an independent person who is not dependent on your boyfriend for happiness
Good luck to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Thank you for the advice and welcome 
No, I don't not have an addiction problem. I am his primary emergency contact and he signed a release for me to be informed and able to talk to his team of caregivers. I had called her to let her know about a medical thing regarding him that I was pretty sure he forgot to tell her. While talking I started crying and we talked a bit about things, no she did not violate patient confidentiality. Before we got off the phone I told her that I just had one question, what is the best thing I can do for him at this point. That is when she told me to get to an al-anon meeting and how they try to stress to family members how important that is for all involved.
He freely admits that I have been keeping him alive, and that he never would have gone to rehab if I hadn't gotten him to believe in himself and that he deserved a great future. I'm no saint and I'm not looking for praise, just explaining how it has been the last few months. I am going to work al-anon, meditate and do things for myself, because you are completely right; I can't rely on him for my happiness. Even if we stay together, if I do that, we will both be miserable. I want to go back to being the person I was really becoming proud of.
No, I don't not have an addiction problem. I am his primary emergency contact and he signed a release for me to be informed and able to talk to his team of caregivers. I had called her to let her know about a medical thing regarding him that I was pretty sure he forgot to tell her. While talking I started crying and we talked a bit about things, no she did not violate patient confidentiality. Before we got off the phone I told her that I just had one question, what is the best thing I can do for him at this point. That is when she told me to get to an al-anon meeting and how they try to stress to family members how important that is for all involved. He freely admits that I have been keeping him alive, and that he never would have gone to rehab if I hadn't gotten him to believe in himself and that he deserved a great future. I'm no saint and I'm not looking for praise, just explaining how it has been the last few months. I am going to work al-anon, meditate and do things for myself, because you are completely right; I can't rely on him for my happiness. Even if we stay together, if I do that, we will both be miserable. I want to go back to being the person I was really becoming proud of.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hi and welcome InAllYourWays 
I've never been in a sober living house, so I have no experience there.
I do know that early recovery is a very introspective time..it took nearly all my energy to stay focused on staying sober.
Staying up til 5am waiting to hear from this guy doesn't sound that great tho.
I get it - I've been in love too - but maybe for now its good if the two of you have your own space to each work on yourselves?
If things are meant to be they will be and this time will just be a blip on the radar
I've never been in a sober living house, so I have no experience there.
I do know that early recovery is a very introspective time..it took nearly all my energy to stay focused on staying sober.
Staying up til 5am waiting to hear from this guy doesn't sound that great tho.
I get it - I've been in love too - but maybe for now its good if the two of you have your own space to each work on yourselves?
If things are meant to be they will be and this time will just be a blip on the radar
LoveHateMerlot
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 68
Hey there InAllYourWays, here is my perspective on the other side of the table, which I think both sides are pretty difficult:
My husband is going through what you are going through. Your boyfriend is a bit further along than I am, I'm only on day 3. Not drinking is consuming all my energy and thoughts, that I really cannot do anything else. I get mini panic attacks just from thinking "I don't get to drink ever again". It's like someone close to me just died. I'm in mourning. My husband, who is not a drinker, was craving my affection and attention this morning...he started getting upset at me because I am temporarily shut down and a bit depressed. I just cried, telling him that I need to do this for us and please understand I'm going to be distant, temporarily, while I cope with my loss. My husband has no clue what I am going through, so I understand how it can be frustrating...you want the person you love to be there still. I would just give him time and space and a whole lot of love. If he feels your support and love, he will have a better chance at beating this disease. It will take some time and try to be patient. Sending strength and prayers to you. xoxoxo
My husband is going through what you are going through. Your boyfriend is a bit further along than I am, I'm only on day 3. Not drinking is consuming all my energy and thoughts, that I really cannot do anything else. I get mini panic attacks just from thinking "I don't get to drink ever again". It's like someone close to me just died. I'm in mourning. My husband, who is not a drinker, was craving my affection and attention this morning...he started getting upset at me because I am temporarily shut down and a bit depressed. I just cried, telling him that I need to do this for us and please understand I'm going to be distant, temporarily, while I cope with my loss. My husband has no clue what I am going through, so I understand how it can be frustrating...you want the person you love to be there still. I would just give him time and space and a whole lot of love. If he feels your support and love, he will have a better chance at beating this disease. It will take some time and try to be patient. Sending strength and prayers to you. xoxoxo
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,447
I think that going to AlAnon would be the best thing you can do for YOU. Your boyfriend is taking care of himself and his recovery at the moment. Hopefully you can take care of yourself too. I think that keeping the focus on you and your happiness right now is the best thing you can do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom. I need to take care of me, and I'm working on that, focusing on that. When I feel the fear and panic start to rise I meditate, read Al-Anon literature, and am going to a meeting tonight. I will get through this in my own way and he will get through life and his recovery in his own way. There is nothing I can do to change what will be other than working on my own health and life. Again, thank you all.
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