choublak

Does anyone have experience with cultivating a relationship with someone you don't particularly like?

SparkleKitty

I've had to cultivate working relationships with people I wouldn't want to be friends with outside of work, but in those cases I have been able to keep the relationship focused on work, and detach from the personal side of it.

And I've had to cultivate relationships with significant others of people I care about. Those are more difficult, but not impossible. I practice detachment there, too, and try to keep it in perspective: their relationship is not about me, after all.

dandylion

I don't. If I don't like them...I stop cultivating.
Being civil and affording one their constitutional rights is one thing....
but cultivation is another.....
Why would I tend a garden of vegetables that I don't need and flowers that I don't like?

Ladybird579

Does anyone have experience with cultivating a relationship with someone you don't particularly like?

In my codie days yes. Now no. If I don't like someone I avoid them.

Ap052183

Yep, totally this. I realized I had quite a few relationships with people that I didn't really care for at all. It was my codependency telling me "well they have this one redeemable quality, might as well put up with them." If you don't like someone what's the point?

Nata1980

At work only. Which comes easy to me because I have a lot of boundaries when it comes to communicating at work - I.e. most people have no idea I am divorced - none of their business. I can totally pretend to like someone - especially if it is enhancing my career or making my life easier. Same with DSs teachers.

In personal life - nope, not a chance.

PhoenixJ

Professional- I cannot contro who I worked with. I do not have to like someone to respect them and work with them.

Personally- too many factors. Why would I want to develop a personal relationship with someone I did not like? For some one else? Probably does not work for me.

atalose

I think the relationship type matters when having to cultivate one. Work, neighbors, acquaintance can be cultivated by simplicity. At work, keep it a work only relationship, with neighbors keep it on your own side of the fence and let them keep theirs on their side. Acquaintances, keep it to a simply hello when you see them and keep on walking.

And for your title of this post...............when you forgive someone but don't like them. I've learned that forgiveness is really for you. An opportunity to cut the string that binds you to this person and set yourself free from any resentment, anger, that keep you bound to them. Just because you decide to forgive someone doesn't mean you have to cultivate a relationship with them because you don't.

LexieCat

Yeah, depends entirely on who the other person is to you, and your reasons for having to have any kind of relationship at all. It's possible to forgive a complete stranger (the jerk who cut you off in traffic, the sales clerk who was rude) and never see them again. Same with acquaintances. You can forgive and not have them in your life.

When you HAVE to have SOME kind of ongoing relationship with someone you dislike (e.g., an in-law, partner's best friend, co-worker), I think it's important to consider how toxic the other person may be. If the other person is merely irritating/annoying, then detachment can work well. If, however, dealing with the other person is actually harmful to you, I think you have to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself. And that might mean changing jobs/assignments, refusing to attend social gatherings where you would have to interact.

In short, I think it's pretty fact-specific.

NYCDoglvr

Not personally, no, but there are work colleagues I've disliked a great deal. And an ex mother-in-law I couldn't stand. Regarding forgiveness, when I make the effort to do that with someone I dislike I'm letting myself off the hook. A wise Buddhist saying: "you're not punished for your anger, you're punished WITH your anger."

FreedomCA

As stated, it's important to forgive or else anger and resentment build. I try and develop some sort of compassion for those I dislike while maintaining my own boundaries. Turning dislike into compassion can really set one free. It's what spiritual leaders like Jesus and Ghandi did. I really don't think they would state they disliked someone. Easier said than done, however, but still something to aspire to.

maia1234

It's a good question. I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 8 weeks - no contact. She can't get past my divorce from 2 1/2 years ago. Nearly every conversation she discusses what she saw on axh fb page. ( I blocked him before our divorce) She has accused me of poisoning my girls against their dad, and also told me that I had to continue contact with him because he is my kids father. She has no clue what their father has done to them/me, and I won't share it with the "gossip train". I put up with it for too long, and I am finally taking a stand. Family, members write her off as it is just mom, forgive and forget. I can't any longer, I think I have been patient enough.

Relationships are not easy, with family, friends, and coworkers. I feel you have to do what is best for you.

velma929

I did my best to concentrate on the positive when I had a co-irker who drove me crazy. (Dry drunk, in addition to being a difficult man to work with) "He's good to his wife" was my mantra.

Fast forward a couple years, and he's been canned for stealing. Then colleague drops the bomb - it was more than that. He was having an affair, and rather than pay for a room at the No-Tell Motel, he had been using the workplace for his trysts.

I looked at her. "The only way I got through some days was by telling myself he was good to his wife." "Sorry," she murmured.

It's in my best interest to forgive people. I needn't grapple them to my soul with hoops of steel. If I don't like someone, I keep my dealings with them to an absolute minimum. If I'm wrong about them, there's less chance of me inadvertently saying something I regret. If I'm right in my assessment of them, I'm spending less time feeling irritated.

A customer where I work is bigoted, and doesn't know I belong to the group he detests. I smile and remember his name, but often when he talks to the boss, I have work to do in another room.

Spinner-007

Specifically: personal or work relationships?

For me, seldom on a personal level, except when it involves family friends, teams, etc.

At work:
depends on the level of our interaction in achieving team/company goals. To me, getting the result in spite of differences is important. That is one place we can and need to agree on. From there, it might help involving others to help balance opinions/attitudes to keep us on track.

FireSprite

^^This is Me to a T. Outside of professional relationships that I have zero choice in, I put no effort into tending relationships with the intention of going nowhere.

Like atalose mentioned - the thing about forgiveness is that it's for the person "giving" it, not the person being forgiven. Once I figure out how to put down the hot stones that hurt to hold, I don't look for ways to safely pick them back up again - I move on.

Berrybean

I have. At church. At AA and at work. Sometimes those people have actually ended up being my most trusted friends once I've got to know them. Other times I just accept that they're not my fave people, but it's none of my business what they're like, anf they're not there to keep me happy.

Sasha1972

Sometimes you have to do it strategically, in the interests of a greater good. I think you need to ask yourself whether the end justifies the means. For example: laughing at racist jokes in the workplace so you can be considered "one of the gang" - nope. Having a civil conversation about the weather with your ex when you really don't want to so that you can model parental co-operation in front of your kid - yes.

ajarlson

So I have an interesting experience with this exact subject, cultivating a relationship with someone I don't really like. My daughter was best friends in high school and the first couple years of college with another girl who was clingy and possessive. They were in activities together and, as a result, I got to know her parents. Her parents were on the wealthy side, we are solidly middle class but not hurting, and we always felt they were a bit snobbish but the kind that is like, oh let us help you do you want our old stuff LOL
Anyway, the mom would invite me to lunch and every time we went out she would treat the wait staff horribly which I did not like at all but I never said anything. Her husband passed away and then I felt like she needed friends. Then our girls had a parting of the ways but I was still going to lunch with her because...??? I am not sure. Codie all the way, I didn't feel like I wanted to ditch "a friend" even though she was never really a friend. She took my husband and me to dinner at a very expensive place one time to thank us for all we had done for her daughter (who was emotionally very fragile). It was a place she goes to ALL the time so she knows the prices but complained the entire time about how expensive things were and we ended up sharing a meal LOL
Invited her to my other daughter's baby shower and she left because there weren't enough men LOL
I might have gone to lunch with her one more time, but I was talking to my daughters and they asked WHY are you hanging out with her if you don't enjoy her company? I, too, made excuses, well she's nice (she's not, you don't treat wait staff like slaves and get to be called nice), she likes some of the same things we do (ummm so what?) LOL
My girls are much stronger than I am and they pretty much set me straight. So I have not responded the last couple times she's asked to go out to lunch and I have stopped cultivating this relationship. And the world did not end.
I guess you can teach old dogs new tricks

LexieCat

LOVE that, aj. What a terrific lesson, and so cool that you learned it from your terrific daughters!

teatreeoil007

Yep. Ever been a cheer leader? Just kidding, sort of. Talk about having to do stuff (in unison) with other people who were sniveling,game-playing little drama queens? Some were just 'mean girls'. I learned my lesson, and never tried out again. So did my daughter....and my daughter's best friend. Well, what am I trying to say?

Well, sometimes, like in the case of having to work with other people we don't really like, we can learn to suck it up and for the sake of the job and the living we just "deal". But sometimes, in cases of being bullied, insulted, and/or repetitively put down we may find we just can't do it.

So, I don't know if you just don't care for that person and don't 'gel' with them, or if they are down-right mean to you....I've thinking if you just don't really like them, but they are outright mean to you, that's a bit more tolerable.

As to forgiveness: We can even learn to forgive our enemies and people who have wronged us. That doesn't mean we condone what they've done or that we need to enable them continuing to do wrong. But we CAN forgive. Letting go of resentment really is a healthy thing.