Epiphany
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Epiphany
As I've previously posted, I left my AH on Monday after 9 years together (7.5 married).
I went through the wringer trying to hold my family together. Obviously he chose the bottle.
At some point, the romantic love I once had for my husband...it died. But I continued to hang on to hope despite the abuse, the withdrawal from everything and everyone, the dysfunctional life I was living, and the hurt and confusion that all of it was causing my three children.
Why?! It hit me tonight. After a while, I wasn't hanging on to my AH. He honestly wasn't worth hanging on to quite some time ago. I WAS HANGING ON TO MY INVESTMENT IN HIM AND MY MARRIAGE. So much time and energy invested in building a marriage, family, businesses. And, most of all, in hoping he'd get sober and find professional counseling so that my family didn't fall apart.
Honestly, I used to think this man was my soul mate. In actuality, he's a dysfunctional, angry and abusive drunk. My fear wasn't based on losing him...it was all about losing my investment in him and our life together. Losing years of my life to such nonsense. I wanted it to be worth the struggle and strife in the end.
I'm here to say that it didn't turn out the way I thought I wanted it to. It turned out much BETTER. I'm happier and feeling more peaceful than I have in years. Same with my kids. Everything is coming together. And I rarely think of him, when his craziness was all I ever thought about over the past several years. He ruled our lives with negativity and fear. I'm free and starting a new chapter with excitement and hope for the future. THIS...Me...My wonderful children...this is my investment now. And it's a worthwhile investment that will have great returns! ❤
I went through the wringer trying to hold my family together. Obviously he chose the bottle.
At some point, the romantic love I once had for my husband...it died. But I continued to hang on to hope despite the abuse, the withdrawal from everything and everyone, the dysfunctional life I was living, and the hurt and confusion that all of it was causing my three children.
Why?! It hit me tonight. After a while, I wasn't hanging on to my AH. He honestly wasn't worth hanging on to quite some time ago. I WAS HANGING ON TO MY INVESTMENT IN HIM AND MY MARRIAGE. So much time and energy invested in building a marriage, family, businesses. And, most of all, in hoping he'd get sober and find professional counseling so that my family didn't fall apart.
Honestly, I used to think this man was my soul mate. In actuality, he's a dysfunctional, angry and abusive drunk. My fear wasn't based on losing him...it was all about losing my investment in him and our life together. Losing years of my life to such nonsense. I wanted it to be worth the struggle and strife in the end.
I'm here to say that it didn't turn out the way I thought I wanted it to. It turned out much BETTER. I'm happier and feeling more peaceful than I have in years. Same with my kids. Everything is coming together. And I rarely think of him, when his craziness was all I ever thought about over the past several years. He ruled our lives with negativity and fear. I'm free and starting a new chapter with excitement and hope for the future. THIS...Me...My wonderful children...this is my investment now. And it's a worthwhile investment that will have great returns! ❤
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
musiclady, I'm glad you've had that revelation, b/c it really does change everything, doesn't it? I eventually came to a similar conclusion in my own situation. I've posted previously about the night I learned about the drinking and how I ended the evening outside, shoveling snow and crying, thinking "I don't want to be nearly 50 and starting over again."
I let that thought run the show, and what it got me was being 55 and starting over. Smart move, right?
I think another thing that happens to many of us (it certainly did to me) is that when we think we're mourning the loss of our relationship, we are actually grieving the loss of our dreams, NOT the actual loss of someone who, as you point out, is often angry, abusive, self-centered, emotionally unavailable, etc. What we're really mourning is the loss of what we hoped for, what we imagined, what we believed the future held for us.
Here are a couple of readings on that topic. Maybe they'll be helpful to you as you work through this part of your life.
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
I let that thought run the show, and what it got me was being 55 and starting over. Smart move, right?
I think another thing that happens to many of us (it certainly did to me) is that when we think we're mourning the loss of our relationship, we are actually grieving the loss of our dreams, NOT the actual loss of someone who, as you point out, is often angry, abusive, self-centered, emotionally unavailable, etc. What we're really mourning is the loss of what we hoped for, what we imagined, what we believed the future held for us.
Here are a couple of readings on that topic. Maybe they'll be helpful to you as you work through this part of your life.
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
What we're really mourning is the loss of what we hoped for, what we imagined, what we believed the future held for us.
****IT HURTS ***** sometimes I can't even breathe < but I pick myself up then I hear about him partying with bar chick which hurts even deeper ...was I the only one with almost 11 years invested in this relationship? I pick myself up again and the saga continues> One day I too will be free of this loss > Its just the process but it isn't easy
****IT HURTS ***** sometimes I can't even breathe < but I pick myself up then I hear about him partying with bar chick which hurts even deeper ...was I the only one with almost 11 years invested in this relationship? I pick myself up again and the saga continues> One day I too will be free of this loss > Its just the process but it isn't easy
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