LorenaLorena

Hi, I don't know if this is the right forum for me. I'm in my 50s, amicably divorced after 24 yrs, no kids, living with BF of 5 yrs. In my youth I had a rip roaring tendency to party, which dwindled away as I matured - but I do sometimes (abt twice a year - it happened recently) still misuse alcohol to emotionally escape on a one night bender blowout, after which I am mortified and disgusted by alcohol abuse until the next time the pressure builds 6 Mo later or so. While reflecting upon my life and how I can make myself happier, I began visiting SR to examine this lingering tendency in the alcoholism forums. The jury is still out on that but what I AM flabbergasted to discover by wandering into this family/friend forum is that I am Without A Doubt a HUGE codependent, as were both my parents (my Dad toward my Mom, and her toward my wayward teenage self).

My qualifiers have ranged far and wide from exBFs,friends whether they abused chemicals or were troubled by other issues. I've stayed in jobs for years much longer than I should have because I felt needed, guilty about wanting to quit. My exH is a kind & funny man but he is emotionally shut down, and was a lazy pothead. I never confronted him (I enabled him, right?) about this to avoid upsetting him and while we never argued, were great roommates, and had a lot of fun, our relationship was platonic and we probably should never have married in the first place.

I took on All of both our responsibilities until I started psych meds for panic/GAD several years ago. Once they kicked in - over a matter of months I (at peak menopause) walked out on my job of 13 years, ended decades-old friendships (not by my choice - I stopped enabling and the friends dumped me), and left him. He still rents my house that I bought abt 20 yrs ago with inheritance $ and I now live in another town with my boyfriend who is a bit of a controlling hothead and I now struggle with my behavior regarding that.

The crisis that makes me finally post here today is that the hugest responsibility I shouldered alone in my marriage was all arrangements and set up of moving my ex Mom in law from another state to be nearby when she retired and signing her up for SS, Medicare, finding doctors, driving her. We spent so much time together and got along well. I love that lady and I am glad I helped her, but I do believe that the pressure of doing that alone while exH stood by and allowed me to was the final kablooey to my marriage. I felt so guilty about the divorce, I never talked to Mom in law again. I got word through a mutual friend that she died last night. I feel so bereft, I don't know what to do. I'm so ashamed I never saw her again. I feel guilty for abandoning her and her son.

On the heels of my Codie epiphany a couple weeks ago, I feel like I'm over-thinking everything right now and I'm so mixed up. I don't know what to do. My heart breaks for exH. He has no family left. Or is this normal grief I feel for her.

I might should have waited to compose this in a calmer moment. I hope I'm making sense. I just have to let it out. I'm sorry for typos, I'm on my phone.

AnvilheadII

Welcome Lorena!

you've found the right place! i am so very sorry to hear of your exMIL's passing.....I'm sure the shock is still upon you. and it is bound to dredge up thoughts and feelings and memories.

now is the time to take care of LL first! YOU are hurting. YOU lost someone important in your life - whether you were in touch recently or not. honor how YOU feel. do that first.

we can't be all things to all people, but by gosh we can sure TRY!! there is nothing wrong with caring for and about others.....codependents just take it to massively unhealthy levels. we literally believe we can feel what others are feeling, know exactly what others are thinking, and of course, know best how they should conduct their lives. who gets left out of all that?

US. our feelings. our thoughts. the direction of our lives.

LorenaLorena

Thank you so much for your reply, Anvil. It means so much to me.

I've been urgently struggling to squash down my tears and chill out so that I can calmly call him and ask if he needs to talk or needs any nuts/bolts paperwork help. But your post makes me feel like maybe I'm not a jerk to let my game face down & cry for a while longer.

He has my phone # and I hope he'll call if he needs help before I get myself together at a more reasonable pace. But my gut reaction to having that thought is that it's a selfish thought for me to have - more fuel for the guilt inferno.

I just keep thinking "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." over and over on an endless loop. Soooo guilty.

FeelingGreat

Hi lorena, I'm sorry for your loss. I just want to point out that she could have reached out to you as well, and although your EXAH no doubt loved her, he did stand by and let you do everything to the point that it drained you dry.

I suggest you don't make any offers to help him. Why can't he do that himself? It seems like you have a tendency to rush in to help, to the point where other people just stand back. One of my sisters is a bit like that, and I find myself just leaving everything to her because she seems to like doing it all. Just a thought.

Have a good cry, it's perfectly natural.

LorenaLorena

Thanks FG for your reply also.
He did end up texting me yesterday evening. I called him back and we talked about all the things He needs to do. I had forgotten that her utilities and cable were still in my name - so I'll be taking care of getting those turned off.

Part of me wants to travel the 1k miles to her childhood home where she will be buried (she didn't want a service) but he didn't ask me to go with him. I cant stand the thought of him standing there alone (he is the last of his family).

FireSprite

(((((Hugs Lorena))))) I'm sorry you are having such a terrible time right now.

There's nothing wrong with honoring her passing on your own, in your own way. Maybe doing some activity she enjoyed or lighting some candles & praying during the time of her scheduled services? Don't let your concern for his needs become more important than your own grieving.

dandylion

I would like to underline the point that Feeling Great made in her post, above.,,,,that she could have reached out to you, as well, after the divorce.
sometimes, we think that we feel like we have to take all the initiative in our relationships or we feel negligent.....
Even if the two of you didn't reach out after the divorce (this is common),,,,each of you knew that you were loved by the other. That is what really counts.
don't let your exaggerated sense of guilt rob you of what was the essence of the relationship.
Lots of people move through our lives...and, we are richer for it....even if we do lose track of them....

hopeful4

Welcome to SR! Lots of good info here, keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone!

LorenaLorena

I'm so grateful for you all and for finding this place. So many bells being rung with me, I can barely hear myself think :-)

Back when I went berserk a few years ago and ran off from my (and everyone else's) responsibilities, all I could describe it as was "putting on my own oxygen mask first". I had heard the term codependent but never really knew what it meant so I had absolutely no clue that it applied to me and what I was doing, and that there was more work to be done after detaching.

So, while I felt an incredible sense of relief for a while after I ran off & "abandoned everyone" it'd worn off within a year. So, here I've been since feeling lost and unable to figure out how to get back that awesome, bouyant feeling of being a good friend to myself. I'm so glad to know there's hope that I will get there again.

I bought Codependent No More a couple of weeks ago and have been reading it.
And I am definitely going to carry on reading and posting here.

Hugs to all here. God bless us all!