suzyontour

Nearly 4 weeks into separation from my AH and I stupidly broke no contact today. He called Vodafone as his internet wasn't working and they called me to get authority for him to access account. I refused

Then I called him. I couldn't stop myself. I asked him if he was ever going to get help for his alcoholism and I said he was meant to be at his mums to get help and save the marriage yet all he's done was drink? He said he would get help but when he was ready said it's very hard for him. I ended the call and then could have hit myself for being so weak and breaking no contact.

I feel so helpless one day like i want him back then so strong on another day knowing I can't go back to that chaos again. Did anyone else feel like this? How long was it until mostly strong days?

dandylion

It took me about 6 months. The longer I went without contact, the easier it became......

atalose

Absolutely!

And next time you feel weak and want to reach out to him………..remember he said this……

SparkleKitty

We've ALL been there, I expect!

Letting go is a process, not an event.

Bekindalways

Oh my gosh yes Suzy!!! It is so ding dang dad blasted hard.

And I went back and back and back and back . . . . argh!

deelorette

I truly believe it has become an addiction/obsessive love/ I read where their behavior makes it a challenge for you to get back the adoration they once gave you.... and it manipulates your mind so much... that it becomes an obsession. He leaves you feeling so empty. He actually said I was a hole that never could get filled..... when sadly, I think that is him.

suzyontour

So when did you stop going back and why? Where are you at now? Where is he at?
Xxxx

dandylion

The current thread of Grace8 is dealing with his very subject. It might help you to read it. same thing with Ituvia's thread......
It is a common theme, here on the forum......

Yes, it is normal...not only normal, but, necessary.........

Bekindalways

Hi Suzy, I'm an oldster so it has been decades since I left him. However I have always stayed somewhat in love with him.

He finally got into crystal meth. Actually it wasn't the drugs that made me leave him but his refusal to get any help along with his promises to never do it again. I was 25 at the time but I did know that something was going on with him beyond the drugs so just quitting wasn't enough to fix the problem. This made any promise a bad promise. Sure he wanted to quit but he was coming from a place of arrogance and misplaced confidence rather than any true understanding of his addiction.

The pain was so bad and I knew I would go back to him at the least provocation. I had some money and a friend in Bolivia so I basically left the Northern Hemisphere for 6 months. It was before internet and cell phones so it made it really difficult to contact him. I remember I did contact him when I got back to the states (not a good idea but I did) and he had found a girlfriend . . . super painful blow to my ego and immature idea that I was something great for him but in the end a good thing for me.

He wound up going all the way to dealing drugs and robing houses and wound up in Jail for 3 years. He got sober there and as far as I know he has been sober since. I have had occasional contact with him. I asked him how he has remained sober and he told me three things: he had a trade he could go back to instantly, he had something of a faith and he had kids. Mostly it was the kids.

I don't know if this helps at all. I still deal with my desire to fix people and a certain level of arrogance that that implies.

Ladybird579

I was one of the world's worst for clinging on and now the most vocal about people not doing so ( hypocrite or what). I kicked my exah out 4 times!!! 4 times he was back in the fold worse then ever within weeks. My adult kids begged me to push thru the pain, go no contact and stop the merry go round but I just couldn't.

Why? For me I hadn't done any work on myself. I had been to this forum briefly and been appalled at the suggestions given and thought it couldn't apply to me. Someone even dare to say my exah might be lying he was sober when not with me ( he was lying lol) and I was enabling him to drink when he was with me ( I was). I had no idea it was as much about me as him. All I saw was he was the problem. So I went away vowing never to return but I started learning about my exah addictions ( he took drugs too) and my side in it all.

Gradually over the next 4 years I detached from him completely and then he did some really awful things and something clicked in my head. I knew I had to get away and stay away and this time I did. It hurt, of course it hurt, but more cos of the destruction to my relationship with my older kids than him. I saw him for what he is. An abusive, selfish drunk who never loved me. I had enough self love by then to not want that anymore.

3 years post divorce he still drinking himself into an early grave, still entitled, still selfish, still abusive.. He's just not doing that around me or my kids. I looked at him 6 months ago when I bumped into him in town and I thought what the heck did I ever see in him? I gave him 20 years of my life. It was 20 years too long.

Focus on you. Be selfish for a change. Do what makes your heart sing. I have hobbies I love, I travel, I have cats.....find you. xx