Adult with Alcoholic Parents

Old 03-16-2017, 06:15 AM
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Adult with Alcoholic Parents

Alcoholism runs through my family. In my immediate family of orgin, my mother is an alcoholic and my dad seems like something close. I love them both and they have been wonderful parents in many ways.

But as I've been dealing with my own alcoholism, I find myself feeling conflicted about them. I'm resentful, sad, angry...everything. Bringing my own family around them causes me huge anxiety. But I feel like such a hypocrite. As an alcoholic myself, shouldn't I be sympathetic to the fact that they are both sick and suffering?

Anyone with a similar family dynamic that wants to share would be appreciated.
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Old 03-16-2017, 06:29 AM
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Adult child of an alcoholic here, with alcoholism running up and down my family tree.
Also an A in recovery.
2 things that have struck me as I travel my path: 1) genetics isn't destiny. For years I told myself that, given my family history, drinking was what I was meant to do.
Nope,not true at all. I have free will and the power within to put down the drink.
2) I see many things my parents have done and choices they have made as examples of how NOT to be.
I am grateful for that.
I think you should focus on your recovery, and let your parents be who they are. You don't have to be sympathetic or enabling. Just recognize that this is who they are, that they have shaped you to some degree, but, at the end of the day, you are what you make of yourself.
Congratulations on your sobriety. Clarity of mind brings insight. Peace.
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Old 03-16-2017, 07:28 AM
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Have you ever gone to any Adult Children of alcoholic Parents meetings?
Have you read any of their literature?
There are some books on amazon.com.....
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Old 03-16-2017, 09:12 AM
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My Dad was a passive alcoholic. My Mum is a codependant to the nth degree.

I married a passive alcoholic and became terrible codependent myself.

I got out of that marriage for a lot of reasons, not the least of which was not wanting to end up in a relationship that mirrored my parents. Neither of them were happy and I didn't want to spend the last half of my life in misery based on a decision I made when I was 20.

It took me until I was middle-aged to realize that rather than be like my parents whom I love very much, for many good reasons, I had more to learn about NOT being like the parts of them that were sick. It was an uncomfortable conclusion.

I did not see a lot of my Dad in the last two years of his life. I had set a boundary that I didn't want active alcoholics/addicts around me in my life. It was far to triggering for me. It's chaotic and it hurts.

My Dad died Dec of 2015 of illnesses he would not have had if he had made healthier choices regarding alcohol,exercise and diet. I'm sorry he's gone, and I'm sorry I didn't get to spend more time with him, yet I don't regret my decision to distance myself from his self imposed illness.

My advice would be to set boundaries you are comfortable with for yourself and your children. We don't have to be anxious and upset around people unless we choose to be. It is possible to love people from a healthy distance.

Best of luck to you. I know how hard it is to have a monkey-puzzle family tree.
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Old 03-16-2017, 11:10 AM
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Alcoholism runs in both sides of my family too. Dad was recovered but only in name. His behavior didn't improve. My mother was an enabler, co dependent and control freak. She died last year and sorry to say I haven't grieved for her. Much like my own daughters won't grieve for me even tho I did end the situation but too late as far as they were concerned. I a m estranged from my dad as he is not nice to me if I go and see him and was abusive to me growing up. I don't think me punching him for hitting my mother with a rolled up carpet helped. He never forgive me for not honouring him lol

On my mothers side her grandfather and several uncles were alcoholics. Her mother never drank that we knew of but became alcoholic when she got dementia later in life. Her nursing staff said she drank wine out of the bottle which was a shock to us all and spent her final years permanently drunk. I have a sister and brother who are alcoholics and one borderline. I know absolutely if I let myself I could become one too but I have too much to lose by sliding down that path. I also couldn't take the hangovers.

My ex husbands are both alcoholics. The last exah mother was too, both his sisters and brother is but not his dad. His dad divorced his mother over her alcohol abuse in the 1960's when divorce was rare. Exah cousin died, aged 39, of alcohol related disease last September and his sister's dh died of liver failure, aged 49.

I stopped my children having all contact with my parents and my exes mother and brother until they were old enough to decide if they wanted to see them and also get out the door quickly if they needed too. Some of them got back in touch with them as adults, most haven't.
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