Ituvia

I have so many questions about Trauma Bonding, emotional abuse, and recovery.

1) I have read endless accounts of people who have been emotionally abused but isn't this consistent with As? If so, I've also read people who have broken up, reconciled after A partner gets help and is in recovery. What about the emotional abuse? How do you deal with that?

2) I've been reading about Trauma bonding but is the ultimate fix to it is getting help and getting out of the relationship? Does therapy work?

3) Is it normal for As to go to few meetings to prove to themselves and is there a possibility that they'd immerse themselves later? I don't think my XABF is ready but he mentioned he is going to "few meetings a week" or is it simply to convince themselves that they can do it and then drop out of AA meetings?

4)Finally, I am going through lot of ups and downs and trying to focus on things one day at a time but since he had been calling me asking for his stuff, I had blocked him and sent him a text about how I am letting him go and to not call but his reply was that, he has forgiven me and that he is going to AA meetings and training and that he has been having sleepless nights thinking about hugs and kisses and how we roamed the world as free spirits. Signed off with Love- his name. I have blocked him since on all social media, texts and Whatsapp but two days before this text he threatened to make my life miserable and called my dad drunk and harassed him etc. So confused.

Sorry for all the rambling.

Maudcat

Sounds like classic addict behavior, Ituvia. A slap, then a kiss. (Metaphorically.) try not to let it get to you. Things will get better in a while.

PhoenixJ

Yep I agree. Stay away. Stay safe. Do you have a plan/ On the ground support?

LexieCat

Sounds to me like you're focusing on how you can reconcile with your ex.

Sort of like someone going into AA with the focus on how s/he can eventually drink socially.

I'd suggest focusing on how to live your own happy life and not repeat the mistakes of the past. Not that you asked for him to drink and be emotionally unavailable or abusive, but why you stayed in that relationship--and, let us not forget--turned to your own use of violence.

Ituvia

I attended an Al-Anon meeting last weekend and again will be attending this weekend. Can't do more than this due to my work schedule and dogs. I am reading up more and more and the more I read, more questions I have like in my post above.

Ituvia

I don't know why that thought never goes out of my head. No matter how much I read. Also, I asked myself if I'd be able to live with the fear of his relapse should he commit to recovery and the answer is no but I also read about success stories so I don't know

atalose

Start reading up on how to work through letting go of a bad relationship or how to overcome codependency. How to stop having toxic dysfunctional relationships read about the subjects that pertain to YOU and stop reading about his issues and trying to see the good and positives that are just not there.

dandylion

Ituvia...I totally agree with atalose. I think you are looking for any clue that you can resume the relationship...all based on him getting into recovery and becoming healthy.....
Even if he did...which sounds remote, by what you share....it would take about 2 years before it started to become apparent....
You have to live a life...day to day...so, the healthiest thing you can do is to begin doing what atalose said.
You do know that your obsessive thoughts are a o art of natural grieving processs and will continue for several weeks to months, don't you?
This is true....and you will begin to feel better as soon as you make the decision to go forward with your own life.....
I have repeated this so many times, to you...because it is true...it won't always feel like this....
short-term pain for the l ong-term gain......

Ituvia

Dandylion and others, I know you have and I have to ask, honestly, if I work on my recovery, I may not feel the same way about him, right?

And if I still do, what can I do? I am so stuck. I moved to the new place and going to sleep for the first time in here. I feel so alone. Somehow in the old place I could still feel his presence and everything. I just miss him so terribly. Somewhere inside his alcoholic mind, he must be too. How terrible is it

dandylion

When I went through my horrible breakup...I felt like I would never be able to love like that again...that I would never be so happy again, that the pain would never end....that there was nobody as wonderful as him, in this world.....
I was a hot mess!
6 months later, I met the man who was to became my wonderful husband, later..
The first guy....I don't know what I thought was so magical about him.....

trust me...if you work on yourself and your own life...the glitter will be gone....

SparkleKitty

I had to learn to work my recovery today and let tomorrow take care of itself. All the future tripping in the world won't make one outcome more likely than another, but pouring your time and energy into taking care of yourself will never let you down.

Ituvia

Since I have moved, I expected to feel better but actually, I feel a lot worse than yesterday. I stopped reading codependent no more and was reading recovery stories and all that. F*ucking hate myself.

mylifeismine

When I felt so mired in confusion I read a lot and one if the
things that helped me understand me was some of the topics
I read on this site. Just substitute "alcoholic" for "personality disorder".

http://outofthefog.website/what-not-...d-helplessness

One thing for certain, to believe any behavior or personality change
is real takes at a minimum of one year to consistently see the change.
People connect with each other at the level of their healthiness or
unhealthiness. Reconciling without both people becoming healthy
is a path to more pain and confusion, which is something
healthy people won't do.

dandylion

Ituvia.....you can't just wave a wand and feel better...like bam! You have to feel your feelings and let them roll away from you. The feelings will come in waves...like the tide....they roll in...and then, recede again.....

What techniques are you doing to help yourself to get through each day?

mylifeismine

Please be compassionate with yourself

Definition and Three Elements of Self Compassion | Kristin Neff

dandylion

Ituvia....as long as you hate yourself...you will never be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.....as you will pair up with others who hate themselves (down deep).....
Healthy is drawn to healthy...
Unhealthy is drawn to unhealthy.......

this is why self examination and self work...through therapy and study and self exploring activities is so essential to you current and future happiness....

atalose

Yeah, that would be the idea of your recovery! To move beyond this toxic person and relationship and to NOT ever get involved with anyone else toxic ever again.

Since I have moved, I expected to feel better but actually, I feel a lot worse than yesterday. I stopped reading codependent no more and was reading recovery stories and all that
Moving to a new place isn’t going to remove those feelings instantly. It is ok to miss people we can no longer have in our lives. Putting down the book that can help you fix you to pick up one that only gives you “ false hope” of HIS recovery is keeping you in that bargaining part of grief.

Lets put it this way……….

Let’s say you spend all of your free time reading about HIS issues, reading about potential great outcomes from rehab, meetings, counseling and he somehow finds his way into that recovery. He works a truly honest program and wants nothing but a better future for himself…………….and where are you…..still the same person with all the same low self -esteem issues and codependency issues because all you’ve done is spend your time on HIS issues not your own and holding onto what was. Do you really think that a recovering alcoholic would want to go backwards to a toxic relationship with someone who’s not changed?

theuncertainty

As much as it hurts right now, I think moving to a new place was a great first step.

Keep focusing on yourself. Atalose makes a really great point. When I first separated from AXH, everything I was reading and doing was about him and his alcoholism and addiction. The research on addictions was good and helped me start to realize just how deep it goes beyond "just a couple drinks." I started going to a counselor specializing in addictions so I could learn how to communicate with him. She pointed me in other directions, one being a counselor to work through the abuse I survived at his hands (which I didn't even recognize as abuse because I was so focused on his drinking). I didn't start healing (and moving away from him, if really, really slowly) until I actually started engaging in my own therapy sessions that were NOT set up to help with his addictions.

Can I gently point out that with this:
you're projecting. And maybe kind of romanticizing ? IDK. It's what I did, anyway. And in my case, it turned out that AXH was actually just been busy drinking... and cheating. Clearly not missing me and really not behavior I wanted from a partner. I'm not saying your X will cheat, but my point is I had NO earthly idea what AXH was thinking/feeling. Stepping back from trying to imagine what he's thinking/feeling will help take the focus off of him.

Sending hugs. You're going to be OK. You already are.