hopeful4

So, many of you know my background. I have two children, one of which goes to see my XAH every other weekend, the other is old enough to make the decision not to. Even though it's court ordered he not drink, he does, continually. It just happened...again.

I have spoken to attorneys. One of the things that keeps holding me back is that he does not enforce much of his visitation. He cold have many holidays, once per week, one week in the summer and Christmas break, and every other weekend. Currently he does an occasional holiday for the day only, and every other weekend from Friday evening to Sunday morning (he could keep my child until 6pm Sunday). Any good attorney will tell him he needs to start doing every single thing by the exact visitation while this leads up to a trial, which could take 8 months plus. Attorney thinks there is a chance we could file for no overnights during the time it leads up, but no guarantee. She says a 50/50 chance for that. She does think I have a strong case to get no overnights once it goes through court, but not necessarily supervised.

That being said, my child's counselor (a wonderful person we are blessed to have in our lives), says enough is enough. Something has to change. My older child, who communicates fairly well with her father, wants to have a meeting with him. No ultimatium, just saying I don't think you realize what is happening to your own child when this stuff happens, that she is miserable, she cries, has panic attacks, and cannot sleep when she is at your home. To tell him that if these things continue even once more, that the scope of how her sibling visits will change, and that she won't be staying over anymore, only visits outside of his home.

This is important for two reasons. One, in the hopes that he can see he has basically lost his relationship with one child, and it's quite likely to happen with the second child as well. Two, the counselor has advised me to start to refuse visitations. He says I have enough evidence for the courts, especially if the kids go to their father and are basically begging him to stop this and telling him this was the last time, along with all other evidence, that the courts will see my reasoning. He is in contempt time after time, so he says that he doubts that my X will call my bluff and take me to court anyways, and I agree with him. The counselor has offered to testify in my daughter's behalf, and mine.

So, all of that being said, I am scared for this to happen. He may react very well, he may blow his top.

I am stuck in this awful position of not being able to help my children in the way that they most need, which is to protect them.

Anxiety is high.....

FireSprite

(((((Big Hugs))))))) I don't have experience in this area but I'm one who feels like I'm never doing the wrong thing by trying to protect a child.

Knowing his history, I'd prepare for the worst hopeful. He loves nothing more than to throw a big showy fit but his track record with follow-through is practically non-existent. (Exhibit 1 - DD#1)

Good luck mama, I know this must have your anxiety at record levels... how are you managing it?

atalose

I can only imagine how high the anxiety is and I am sorry you are going through yet another episode with the ex and your children.

I guess my thoughts are, you already know how he is and pretty much what his defensive abusive response will be regarding his drinking so maybe its not a good idea to allow your oldest daughter to become the wrath of that.

I think we always "think" they will react better to children but most of the time history tells us, they will not. He will just have more resentment towards his daughter and that's not a position she should be in.

How old is your youngest? Would a court hear her input on this issue?

Until you can figure out the avenue you are going to take, I would make excuses for why your youngest cannot go with him when that whim of having her should fit into his schedule.

hopeful4

My youngest is just now old enough for the court to hear her, maybe. It's up to the judge. My attorney is not sure a judge would not just assign the GAL and not speak w/her. They would absolutely speak to my older child, and believe me, she has a lot to say.

As far as my oldest, she absolutely realizes that he may react in that way. This was actually her idea. She said that she has nothing to lose as she really does not have a relationship w/him and is absolutely not scared of him. She said there is nothing he can do any longer to scare her b/c she expects absolutely nothing from him.

It's just that if there is any chance, at all, of anyone being able to communicate w/him, it's her. I don't even think I could stop her from doing this b/c she has pretty much decided this is where she is.

So, this is where we are. I have explained why I have not petitioned the courts, and as of now, I won't. I won't get my child in the situation of having to spend all that time there, ultimately that is defeating the purpose. If I refuse visitations he can choose to go to court, but I am betting that he won't. If he does, I am prepared to go forward. It's really all I can do at this point.

FS...thank you. Yes, I don't expect any follow through from him, it's just a step really to where we will end up, however their counselor believes the court would see it as a necessary step to show that not only did I try to stop his behavior, but that our kids went to him themselves as well. I agree.

I am not handling it too well. It's like waiting for the shoe to drop, like always. The anxiety is very powerful. I am just trying to focus on other things, stay busy, and do the things I know to do to keep my mind where it needs to be, calmly.

Thank you for your support, as always!

aliciagr

I thought I saw a post from you where you said your older daughter didnt go to his house anymore anyway, and he didnt complain about it. So Im a little confused isnt she already getting what she wants, no contact unless she initiates it? Has your younger one told him she doesnt want to come, or spend the night? I would use a therapist for all this. It doesnt really sound healthy for an older child to be the one to confront her father on behalf of the younger child. Thats not her role to parent the younger child and advocate for her is it?

LexieCat

What if this meeting between daughter and dad were conducted in the presence of the therapist? This would accomplish two things--one is that you would have a neutral observer who can describe what your daughter said, and what his reaction/response was. The other is that the therapist could provide support for your daughter immediately after the meeting to make sure she processes it in a healthy way.

Just a thought.

hopeful4

I would LOVE for that to happen. Therapist has offered. He hates their therapist. He also will not meet in front of any other adult b/c he has to admit in front of them what he has done (which is in our decree that he cannot), therefore risking himself. He told me that himself.

He is convinced I have every therapist in town in my back pocket apparently. When we were still married I made sure I made an appointment w/ one neither one of us knew in advance at all, and had never spoken to. Amazingly, he still said we were transpiring against him together, even though I did not know this person at all. Ugh.....

However, if things work the way we plan, they will meet in a building where there are other adults who know my children, just in a separate room. He would look pretty awful to throw a fit here as well. That being said, he may just get up and walk out, that's always a risk.

LexieCat

Ah, OK. I should have known you would have already thought of that.

Well, if your older daughter wants to do it, and you don't think it would be harmful to her, maybe the meeting isn't such a bad idea. Make it in a neutral/public place where others are around and she can leave if he gets nasty (and where you can be waiting nearby). Maybe a park or a restaurant or something like that.

hopeful4

Yes, we do have a place in mind that would be safe, and he would look foolish to even raise his voice. That's about as controlled as I know to do. The risk is him walking out, however, at least they would have tried.

I feel stuck. I hate all of this, and feel like I am just trying to pick the best of the most awful options. Ugh.

FireSprite

Would it be helpful at all to ask DD's therapist to send a letter to both of you as parents, outlining her concerns & formally requesting a therapy session on DD's behalf?

Yes, he'll likely reject the offer but is it a valuable piece of evidence for you to illustrate his unwillingness to put DD's needs ahead of his own, should the worst case scenario happen & he actually takes you to court? (I have no clue, I'm just asking......)

LexieCat

I like that idea! The offer, in writing, explaining exactly why the meeting should happen and the reasons for including the therapist. If he blows it off or sends a nasty response, it will reflect poorly on his interest in protecting his child.

hopeful4

I do think that's a good idea, but one I should have done a while ago. I do have proof of trying to get my X to go into counseling w/my children and him rejecting to do so. It would also be in their file with the counselor at their office.

I think at this point the therapist is waiting to see what happens w/this, and next time will hotline my X to DFS. He is a mandated reporter, and he firmly believes this is emotional abuse of my child. The concern is that this needs to be done quickly. My children are w/me this weekend, however, he wants this knocked out by next weekend b/c I do believe if something happens that is his plan. My daughter contacts the therapist directly when she is under duress at her dad's house, so that means he has evidence via text and phone calls that have absolutely nothing to do w/me, which is good. I don't really think DFS will do anything, however, I don't think it would be a bad thing for there to be an investigation.

theuncertainty

((((hugs)))) Hopeful. I'm so grateful that counselor is in your life. Sending hugs. Wishing you peace and continued strength.

hopeful4

Well, they met last night. I would not say it was effective necessarily, however, my child definitely got some things across that needed to be said. It was a step, and a step that had to be done. He did commit to my child that goes to visit him that he will not drink anymore, and that he does not want to harm her mentally or for her to be scared there. So, this is it. One last chance that he does not deserve, then when he screws it up again, and he will, I will begin to refuse visitations. It's not a great option, this is what it is.

SmallButMighty

What beautiful, strong women you are raising hopeful! I think you can trust that they wont ever put up with the kind of crap that so many of us here did. There is a lot of comfort to be taken in that. Good job Mama!

hopeful4

Thank you for saying that. I have to remind myself that this is the silver lining, that hopefully through all the years of counseling, and trauma they have went through, that the chain is broken for my children.

I appreciate your reminder of that today!

firebolt

Hang in there, Hopeful

Hummer

You are coping admirably and handling this situation so fairly - I hope you all have peace soon.