charis78

My ex and I seem to have a pattern. One of us seeks the other out. We text for weeks and are fine then we get in a fight and he ignores me and I swear to myself I'll never talk to him again bc of his behavior. Recently he seemed to have change. Even offered to send me a care package when I was down (which was weird bc he never did this when we were together). Tells me he's not drinking As much and quit smoking. Paying down his debt etc. Well care package never came. He also made a statement about how he's not dating anyone period (I didn't ask) yet I see him on tinder so he's obviously lying. I sent him a text asking him why he lied to me now he has shut me out and ignoring me. This just makes me angry and I send a nasty text. I don't want to behave like this anymore so I'm done. Why does he keep seeking me out to treat me like this though

teatreeoil007

Have you tried going totally no contact? It sounds to me like as long as he is able to contact you in some fashion, he eventually will. And, it sounds like when he contacts you it upsets you, and that's not good. He is your ex for a reason, right?

charis78

We've been no contact for months at a time

Ladybird579

We've been no contact for months at a time

Well done, keep it up. Block him on your phone, facebook and any other social media. Resist the urge to stalk him on dating sites. If he gets lucky he will be someone else problem. You say he lies so why believe anything he tells you then get disappointed when you find him out?The relationship is over. It just needs a decent burial now. Start concentrating on YOU. What do you want out of life? Do things that make you happy.

FeelingGreat

Hi Charis, this game can go on indefinitely if you're both playing it, and (truthfully) enjoy the reunions. I'm sure there's some adrenaline involved in one of you contacting the other.
You know it's just treading water. Go no contact, and make it permanent. Once you've broken the cycle you can move on to better things.

dandylion

charis.....perhaps he would like to still have the cookies but is not willing or capable of being responsible to a relationship...
And, perhaps your self esteem is so low that you are willing to accept crumbs and poor treatment in order to be in a relationship....and, added to that, unwilling to go through the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....

Maudcat

Sometimes we have people in our lives that are compelling yet ultimately toxic. It sounds as though you are still invested in your ex's life. Perhaps that will diminish in time. Certainly, you can help the process along by going no contact and staying that way. It also sounds as though your ex wants you to know how very well he is doing without you, though he does not appear to be telling the truth about it.
Again, time and no contact should enable you to move on.

charis78

I should clarify. I am on dating sites myself and that's how I saw him the pic came up on tinder. I don't stalk him on there

Maudcat

Okay. Noted. No stalking.
Whew.

SparkleKitty

Another question might be why do you keep doing it? He has shown you who he is, why won't you believe him?

charis78

For me it's hope things will be different this time I guess.

atalose

Because you let him!

FireSprite

Because you keep accepting it.


eta: apparently many of us posted with the same thought at about the same time, lol!

charis78

I'm not an idiot. I know part of it is because I let him. I just wonder what he gains from it

SparkleKitty

Maybe it's for the same reason as you. Because *he* hopes things will be different this time.

SR was the first place I heard the phrase "hope is not plan." The long you two stay enmeshed, the harder it will be for either of you to move on. But one of you is going to have to try something different in order to break the cycle.

FireSprite

I'm pretty sure that if he's your EX and you have no children together, you have 100% control over not allowing him to contact you & keep reopening old wounds. No, you're not an idiot but that doesn't mean there's any deeper meaning involved than it just being an unhealthy attachment.

This is a complete chick(en) situation:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html

What does he gain? He feels like it's not a completely shut door so if/when things spiral out of control for him, you're tops on his list of enablers to hit up for sympathy.

atalose

No one said you were an idiot!

What do you gain from going back every time he reaches out to you? It may be the same thing he gains.

From the sound of it he clearly doesn't want to be attached, be a part of a couple, be involved in a relationship.............all of things you seem to want from him. He reaches out to you for conversation, to hook up, what ever he desires at that moment all with clear intent NOT be part of a relationship.

dandylion

Charis...did you read my answer to that question?

firebolt

The question is, what do YOU gain from it.

If you can turn your thoughts from wondering about him, to wondering why you choose the things you do, it'll help you to break free forever.

Nothing changes if nothing changes - for them, and for us!

maia1234

Charis,
You keep contact because you love/loved this person and you always "hope" that they will get hit with a serenity stick and wake up. He is telling you what you want to hear... I am cutting back. Every codie on this forum wants to hear those words, but they mean nothing from an addict, because we all know what cutting back means, nothing.

I wasted another 1 1/2 years after divorcing my axh before I truly cut off contact. Not sure why I waited that long. (family really wanted us to stay friends and I just wasn't ready) but for your own health and well being you can't partake part time in an addicts life. You will still be swirling in the toilet bowl with them, as you are right now.

IMO, go no contact, give him to God and move on, my friend. There really is a good life to live without contact with your ex.