I'm a sucker :(

Old 03-14-2017, 06:45 PM
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I'm a sucker :(

I found an apartment and told AH that I found an apartment and submitted an application for it. He was shocked. The first night the convo wasn't great. The second night he was apologetic, understanding, talked about where his head was at, talked about how my points weren't valid, talked about his plans, etc. My rational head knows he is probably just trying to say what I want to hear. But he seems so sincere, I'm falling for it. He doesn't want this. It's like he just doesn't know what to do for long term success. Part of me wants to give it a month and see if more action is taken. If not, then proceed with moving out.

He's been sober about 2 months so far. I have just felt like he hasn't put forth enough effort to sustain it. Now he knows exactly where things stand and what's at stake. Just wondering if more time is appropriate or if I'm just emotional and crazy. Thoughts?!
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Old 03-14-2017, 06:57 PM
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No, you are not a sucker! You're just confused and change is a HUGE step, but...

If he truly wants to be sober, he will do it whether you are there or not. Moving into your own place will also give you some distance from the situation and a chance to straighten out your thoughts. If he continues to work on his sobriety and remains sober for a year, you can always consider trying again. In the meantime, you will have the space you need to clear your head, and you may find that you don't want to go back to the unknown.
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Old 03-14-2017, 06:57 PM
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Bless your heart. I remember when my XAH would have a few months sober. Claim to be working a program, sincerely start one anyway, only to decide he doesn't really need it, not everyone needs AA to be successful he would say out of frustration. Well, he kept proving over and over again that he didn't fit his favorite statistic of not needing AA. Relapse was always a given.
Hon, 2 months is nothing. If he could stay sober a year, well, maybe. But 2 months..nope. Not nearly enough time under his belt. And even after a year of sobriety there is no guarantee, but then there never is. However, you can, for the most part, guarantee that if he isn't working his program he will fall.
I know its hard not to be anxious, this is why it is so important for YOU to be working your program. If you do it will help give you the tools needed to sustain yourself whether he slips, doesn't slip, or whatever is thrown your way.
Just take some time to focus on and work on you.
You say he now knows exactly where you stand and what's at stake. Well, so did mine and alcohol still won. Please work you yourself...2 months is nothing.
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Old 03-14-2017, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
I found an apartment and told AH that I found an apartment and submitted an application for it. He was shocked. The first night the convo wasn't great. The second night he was apologetic, understanding, talked about where his head was at, talked about how my points weren't valid, talked about his plans, etc. My rational head knows he is probably just trying to say what I want to hear. But he seems so sincere, I'm falling for it. He doesn't want this. It's like he just doesn't know what to do for long term success. Part of me wants to give it a month and see if more action is taken. If not, then proceed with moving out.

He's been sober about 2 months so far. I have just felt like he hasn't put forth enough effort to sustain it. Now he knows exactly where things stand and what's at stake. Just wondering if more time is appropriate or if I'm just emotional and crazy. Thoughts?!
Why did you decide to move out?. Is it because your not satisfied with the marriage, need space to sort things out as to what you want, you dont like the way hes handling things even though hes 2 months sober - and from your earlier post- uses Anatabise, tools he learned earlier on for recovery, and occasional meetings, or do you hope to take an action that will make him have a reaction like work a recovery the way you think it should be done? Are you leaving because your afraid he will relapse again and you cant cope with it or put the kids through it?

Look at why you are doing what your doing and use this to help make your decision. I dont think your a sucker for listening to him, talking, and getting a vibe from what hes saying to you. But look deeper at why you are doing things. See, my husband is early on also, and I get scared. Ive thought several times it would be logical to leave and see what happens down the road. Its ok to feel that way. Its ok that I get scared sometimes and also want to run. However in the last case - through therapy Ive learned I cant project onto my husband my fears. what I have to do is work on my coping skills and not let it interfere with rebuilding our relationship, or let it consume me where I dont enjoy my own life.
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Old 03-15-2017, 05:02 AM
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Originally Posted by aliciagr View Post
Why did you decide to move out?. Is it because your not satisfied with the marriage, need space to sort things out as to what you want, you dont like the way hes handling things even though hes 2 months sober - and from your earlier post- uses Anatabise, tools he learned earlier on for recovery, and occasional meetings, or do you hope to take an action that will make him have a reaction like work a recovery the way you think it should be done? Are you leaving because your afraid he will relapse again and you cant cope with it or put the kids through it?

Look at why you are doing what your doing and use this to help make your decision. I dont think your a sucker for listening to him, talking, and getting a vibe from what hes saying to you. But look deeper at why you are doing things. See, my husband is early on also, and I get scared. Ive thought several times it would be logical to leave and see what happens down the road. Its ok to feel that way. Its ok that I get scared sometimes and also want to run. However in the last case - through therapy Ive learned I cant project onto my husband my fears. what I have to do is work on my coping skills and not let it interfere with rebuilding our relationship, or let it consume me where I dont enjoy my own life.
Since his relapses are so far and few between and my kids are so young, there is virtually no impact on the kids......yet. Everything else you said would be a factor. He had no significant relapses for almost 2 years. I had began trusting him again, etc. Only to have that shattered again by his most current relapses. I feel like I am starting back at ground zero despite so much progress for a long time. And yes, I don't think he is doing enough or being passionate enough about it. He needs to make some significant lifestyle changes in my opinion. Get healthier, get sleep, counseling to learn how to better deal with frustrations, etc.

I still think I should probably leave. It would be very enlightening to see how he uses that time. I.e.- does he use it to work on himself or just do same old? Its so hard, I wish it were more consistent to be able to clearly make a decision and not question it.
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Old 03-15-2017, 05:26 AM
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If a person doesn't enforce their own boundaries....the other person will know that their words are hollow...that they are just "threats" .......
and, furthermore, it just reinforces that all they have to do is to voice some sweet words (or insults) and draw you right back into the vortex...

Words are easy. Talk is cheap....
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Old 03-15-2017, 05:34 AM
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Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
"...talked about how my points weren't valid"
This statement right here shows you where he is. It seems like he's using whatever he can to get you to change your mind. Your points aren't valid? Uh, ok.
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Old 03-15-2017, 06:01 AM
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Originally Posted by TimeForMe View Post
This statement right here shows you where he is. It seems like he's using whatever he can to get you to change your mind. Your points aren't valid? Uh, ok.
Oops!! Points WERE valid! Typo!
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Old 03-15-2017, 06:53 AM
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In the big scheme of things two months is nothing. He needs a lot more time than that to get real recovery habits going. Sounds to me like what he's laying on you is just typical alcoholic manipulation. Trying to gaslight you and guilt you into doing HIS will. You really wanna fall for that?
If it were me I'd take the apt and let things unfold as they will. Take the time to work on myself and let him work on himself. Just my own thinking. Nothing more.
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Old 03-15-2017, 07:33 AM
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The second night he was apologetic, understanding, talked about where his head was at, talked about how my points weren't valid, talked about his plans, etc.
That right there is emotional abuse through invalidation.

Don't ever let anyone, mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, friend, boss EVER tell you that your feelings don't matter.

It sounds like you both may need some time to sort out individual issues, feelings, needs and wants.

Often we fall into the "give them some more time" mode for a variety of reasons but then we get stuck there until the next crisis or relapse then it turns into THIS TIME I MEAN IT! it's a typical cycle in dysfunctional relationships.
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Old 03-15-2017, 08:05 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
That right there is emotional abuse through invalidation.

Don't ever let anyone, mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, friend, boss EVER tell you that your feelings don't matter.

It sounds like you both may need some time to sort out individual issues, feelings, needs and wants.

Often we fall into the "give them some more time" mode for a variety of reasons but then we get stuck there until the next crisis or relapse then it turns into THIS TIME I MEAN IT! it's a typical cycle in dysfunctional relationships.
The second night he agreed that my points WERE valid. Sorry! Typo and I don't know how to fix it!!!
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Old 03-15-2017, 08:10 AM
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Well, you were trying to manipulate. That's not really fair on your part.

You saw an apartment. You didn't put in an application. So that was pure manipulation/lying.

I think - clean up your side of the street. These types of high-stake games are not helping and are part of your relationship dysfunction. When I am lying I think everyone else is too.
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Old 03-15-2017, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Well, you were trying to manipulate. That's not really fair on your part.

You saw an apartment. You didn't put in an application. So that was pure manipulation/lying.

I think - clean up your side of the street. These types of high-stake games are not helping and are part of your relationship dysfunction. When I am lying I think everyone else is too.
That is true, which is not normal for me. I did clearly tell him that I did not sign a lease however.

I agree this is not really functional. I feel so backed into a corner though. Like what else do I need to do so that he knows this is friggen serious?! I guess that answer is move out. I was grasping at straws, which included trying to indicate that I was further along in the apartment process than I was by a few steps.
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Old 03-15-2017, 08:28 AM
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You cannot control whether he takes you seriously or not. You never will be. But the one thing that will help is if you actually ARE serious about changing your situation. The best we can ever do is take care of OURSELVES and let others' chips fall where they may. If that means moving out for you, then that's what it means. If not, then not. But I can't believe that living in this limbo of waiting for him to "get it" is doing you any favors.

Sometimes, in order to chill out and gain perspective on a situation, the only things that will help are Time and Distance.
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Old 03-15-2017, 08:42 AM
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The second night he agreed that my points WERE valid. Sorry! Typo and I don't know how to fix it!!!
Oh so sorry that I didn't read all the responses before I posted!!

What kind of a program is he working to help him stay sober?
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Old 03-15-2017, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
That is true, which is not normal for me. I did clearly tell him that I did not sign a lease however.

I agree this is not really functional. I feel so backed into a corner though. Like what else do I need to do so that he knows this is friggen serious?! I guess that answer is move out. I was grasping at straws, which included trying to indicate that I was further along in the apartment process than I was by a few steps.
He knows it's serious.

You know it's serious.

Manipulation is a losing game of one upsmanship. The power struggle ends when one of you lets go of the rope.
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Old 03-15-2017, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
Since his relapses are so far and few between and my kids are so young, there is virtually no impact on the kids......yet. Everything else you said would be a factor. He had no significant relapses for almost 2 years. I had began trusting him again, etc. Only to have that shattered again by his most current relapses. I feel like I am starting back at ground zero despite so much progress for a long time. And yes, I don't think he is doing enough or being passionate enough about it. He needs to make some significant lifestyle changes in my opinion. Get healthier, get sleep, counseling to learn how to better deal with frustrations, etc.

I still think I should probably leave. It would be very enlightening to see how he uses that time. I.e.- does he use it to work on himself or just do same old? Its so hard, I wish it were more consistent to be able to clearly make a decision and not question it.
I think moving out should be for your needs. Keep in mind there is no guarantee that this "incentive" will get him to do what you want. He could. or it could stay the same with him, or get worse for him. But if you leave because you feel confident its best for you then most likely you will have peace regardless of what happens. For example, I left for a while because I was scared for my own safety while my husband was on drugs and drinking. We also lived like roommates for a while after that because I needed that time and separation from him.
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