Should I press charges?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1
Should I press charges?
Two years ago my ex-wife was convicted of two charges of felony embezzlement that was reduced to misdemeanors by the judge. I discovered in January that she had stolen a few thousand dollars from me. Recently I found that she had withdrawn at least $4K and I believe that she took another $10K (though I don't yet have absolute proof for the $10K) out of our children's college funds.
Before then and since then she has done many things which make me feel bullied, cheated and taken advantage of. I occasionally have a suspicion that something might be awry. And I often find that my worst suspicion was only the tip of the iceberg. The reality is actually far worse. I have to really go way outside the realm of what I think could even be remotely possible for me to come up with the idea for what to look for. I used to say to myself "No, she couldn't possibly do that." But now I say "I bet she probably did". And as I collect information, I find that what she actually did went even farther than my most outlandish and unlikely suspicions. She hides it from me, lies to me and just tries to bully me into allowing her to continue her behavior.
A few days ago I spoke with the pastor at my church about what has happened and she told me that what I described sounded exactly like what people dealing with an alcoholic describe. She suggested that I start going to alanon meetings. I listened to an alanon speech today and couldn't believe how accurately it described things I've struggled with for years. And this new idea of alcoholic mentality is what brought me here.
My ex is not an alcoholic to the best of my knowledge. But her father was. And he denied it until the day he died despite multiple episodes, rehab, multi-day binges, etc.
Our two children are around 10 years old. I have tried to pursue recourse through family court. But her behavior since I began that process has only gotten worse, and her behavior more flagrant.
I have forgiven her innumerable times over the years. And I'm starting to realize that I can neither help her nor stop her. I have pleaded my case through lawyers but we're almost a year in at this point and she is just getting more and more emboldened in her behavior as she continues to get away with her behavior as I wait for the civil process to progress, which she stalls and delays over and over. I have requested an evaluation for custody which she is afraid of (I would be afraid too if I were in her position).
Meanwhile, she continues to cheat and steal from me in continuously new and different ways. So does it in a different way every time. But the behavior is fundamentally the same. And I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and assaulted every time it happens.
I believe strongly that if she gets away with stealing from me this time, keeping in mind that she has already been convicted of embezzlement, she will steal again and again in the future, likely some from me and quite possibly from others. And I have started to see how she is introducing ideas of lying and deception to our children. This light bulb has only gone on recently regarding how her behaviors and mindset is creeping into the kids. So the gravity of it is still sinking in.
When I step back and think of what to do it seems very clear. She stole from me. I have proof. I have records which show motive and timing of events leading up to the 3 separate thefts. If this was anyone other than the mother of my children I would have pressed charges long ago.
As she continues to reject my attempts to help her in ways which are necessary for me or the kids to not feel like I'm always under threat of her next crisis, which will very likely put the kids in the middle (something which she seems to do more and more), and especially now, in light of the new idea of alcoholism (again, I have no reason to believe that she's actually an alcoholic, just a dry drunk, to use a term I heard in an alanon meeting), it's really sinking in that allowing her to get away with threatening me, stealing from me, and the way she treats the kids is not going to improve until she hits rock bottom. And the more I do to help her, or even try to help her, just makes things worse for me, and may also make things worse for her in some way that I don't fully understand, being new to the ideas around alcoholism.
The question I'm really asking myself is what would happen if I press charges. What will happen if I don't?
I realize that I probably need help to identify and correct aspects of my own personality that have enabled her for so long. So I'm reaching out to get input from those of you that have a deeper understanding of the impacts of alcoholism than I have.
I have no malice in my heart about this. I just want her to stop treating me the way she does. And if she is sick with something like alcoholism, I want my kids to understand that her behavior is not normal and not healthy. I want to be able to live my life without the constant fear and anxiety that comes with the knowledge that another crisis is around the corner, that it will happen without my knowledge, that she will lie to me about it for months, that I will eventually find out about it, and that it will likely just get progressively worse and worse as I learn the details over a period of weeks and months, likely having to subpeona documents through my lawyer to find out the details, costing me and her a lot of money and an incredible amount of anxiety. It's a cycle that's been repeating for years now.
Does this all sound familiar to those of you more familiar with alcoholism than me? There's no question that she committed crimes against me. Should I feel more steady about the idea of pressing charges against her? Would it be better off for everyone if I just let it go and hope for as long as it takes that she will eventually hit rock bottom on her own? I don't want to be the reason that she hits rock bottom. I know it isn't me that's causing her to act the way she acts. But what will it be like if and when the kids find out that I could have possibly been the catalyst that landed her in prison? Will that be damaging to the kids? Or will it somehow work out for the best in the end?
Thank you all for reading and for your thoughts.
Before then and since then she has done many things which make me feel bullied, cheated and taken advantage of. I occasionally have a suspicion that something might be awry. And I often find that my worst suspicion was only the tip of the iceberg. The reality is actually far worse. I have to really go way outside the realm of what I think could even be remotely possible for me to come up with the idea for what to look for. I used to say to myself "No, she couldn't possibly do that." But now I say "I bet she probably did". And as I collect information, I find that what she actually did went even farther than my most outlandish and unlikely suspicions. She hides it from me, lies to me and just tries to bully me into allowing her to continue her behavior.
A few days ago I spoke with the pastor at my church about what has happened and she told me that what I described sounded exactly like what people dealing with an alcoholic describe. She suggested that I start going to alanon meetings. I listened to an alanon speech today and couldn't believe how accurately it described things I've struggled with for years. And this new idea of alcoholic mentality is what brought me here.
My ex is not an alcoholic to the best of my knowledge. But her father was. And he denied it until the day he died despite multiple episodes, rehab, multi-day binges, etc.
Our two children are around 10 years old. I have tried to pursue recourse through family court. But her behavior since I began that process has only gotten worse, and her behavior more flagrant.
I have forgiven her innumerable times over the years. And I'm starting to realize that I can neither help her nor stop her. I have pleaded my case through lawyers but we're almost a year in at this point and she is just getting more and more emboldened in her behavior as she continues to get away with her behavior as I wait for the civil process to progress, which she stalls and delays over and over. I have requested an evaluation for custody which she is afraid of (I would be afraid too if I were in her position).
Meanwhile, she continues to cheat and steal from me in continuously new and different ways. So does it in a different way every time. But the behavior is fundamentally the same. And I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and assaulted every time it happens.
I believe strongly that if she gets away with stealing from me this time, keeping in mind that she has already been convicted of embezzlement, she will steal again and again in the future, likely some from me and quite possibly from others. And I have started to see how she is introducing ideas of lying and deception to our children. This light bulb has only gone on recently regarding how her behaviors and mindset is creeping into the kids. So the gravity of it is still sinking in.
When I step back and think of what to do it seems very clear. She stole from me. I have proof. I have records which show motive and timing of events leading up to the 3 separate thefts. If this was anyone other than the mother of my children I would have pressed charges long ago.
As she continues to reject my attempts to help her in ways which are necessary for me or the kids to not feel like I'm always under threat of her next crisis, which will very likely put the kids in the middle (something which she seems to do more and more), and especially now, in light of the new idea of alcoholism (again, I have no reason to believe that she's actually an alcoholic, just a dry drunk, to use a term I heard in an alanon meeting), it's really sinking in that allowing her to get away with threatening me, stealing from me, and the way she treats the kids is not going to improve until she hits rock bottom. And the more I do to help her, or even try to help her, just makes things worse for me, and may also make things worse for her in some way that I don't fully understand, being new to the ideas around alcoholism.
The question I'm really asking myself is what would happen if I press charges. What will happen if I don't?
I realize that I probably need help to identify and correct aspects of my own personality that have enabled her for so long. So I'm reaching out to get input from those of you that have a deeper understanding of the impacts of alcoholism than I have.
I have no malice in my heart about this. I just want her to stop treating me the way she does. And if she is sick with something like alcoholism, I want my kids to understand that her behavior is not normal and not healthy. I want to be able to live my life without the constant fear and anxiety that comes with the knowledge that another crisis is around the corner, that it will happen without my knowledge, that she will lie to me about it for months, that I will eventually find out about it, and that it will likely just get progressively worse and worse as I learn the details over a period of weeks and months, likely having to subpeona documents through my lawyer to find out the details, costing me and her a lot of money and an incredible amount of anxiety. It's a cycle that's been repeating for years now.
Does this all sound familiar to those of you more familiar with alcoholism than me? There's no question that she committed crimes against me. Should I feel more steady about the idea of pressing charges against her? Would it be better off for everyone if I just let it go and hope for as long as it takes that she will eventually hit rock bottom on her own? I don't want to be the reason that she hits rock bottom. I know it isn't me that's causing her to act the way she acts. But what will it be like if and when the kids find out that I could have possibly been the catalyst that landed her in prison? Will that be damaging to the kids? Or will it somehow work out for the best in the end?
Thank you all for reading and for your thoughts.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Sorry, but IMHO she just has human issues. Yes, I think pressing charges or demanding immediate repayment in lieu of, appropriate. I don't believe in Alcoholic Mentality. Sorry, but flawed human being I find more appropriate. We are all flawed in some form or the other as humans we are merely self-aware animals of higher intellect. Hate that you are going through such an ordeal, but unfortunately your situation is all too common in divorce/separation.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, sadly, people are going to do what they are going to do. Sounds like something is going on with the ex. Drink, drugs, gambling, something.
assume you have done all you can to protect your and the children's assets?if not, do so with an attorney's assistance, stat.
Might also be time to remove her from your family's life. That is a tough one, I know, as she is your children's mom. But she sounds, from your description, scarily toxic.
As to pressing charges and prison, an attorney can best tell you if you have a criminal case against her.
Good luck. Best to you and the kids.
assume you have done all you can to protect your and the children's assets?if not, do so with an attorney's assistance, stat.
Might also be time to remove her from your family's life. That is a tough one, I know, as she is your children's mom. But she sounds, from your description, scarily toxic.
As to pressing charges and prison, an attorney can best tell you if you have a criminal case against her.
Good luck. Best to you and the kids.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I personally would confront w/the evidence, tell her you will press charges unless she pays the money back w/in a short time frame. Then I would tell her what you said in your post, it's to the point and well said.
I would also make sure she does not have access to any funds of yours or your children's in the future.
My concern being for the trauma for your children to have you pressing charges against their mother. However, I don't think she should just get to keep the money.
I would also make sure she does not have access to any funds of yours or your children's in the future.
My concern being for the trauma for your children to have you pressing charges against their mother. However, I don't think she should just get to keep the money.
EntertheSticks
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 139
My concern being for the trauma for your children to have you pressing charges against their mother. However, I don't think she should just get to keep the money.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
The only addition I can offer to the above is that children will understand when they are older and doing the right thing now will give you something to tell them when they are ready. Your actions cannot cause your x to recover or not - it is up to her. When someone wants to recover, they do. If they don't, they don't . As far as pressing charges, I'd ask a lawyer what the outcome would be and take the path that provides the maximum benefit for the minimum drama - and then protect your assets somehow so she can't continue stealing. If you can't do that for some reason, expect this to continue unless you do press charges. You might want to read the sticky "what addicts do". I printed it out and read it every day for weeks just to get it through my head what I was dealing with. It helped me deal with my addict. Good luck!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
