CarrieBradshaw

Hi all, I'm no stranger to this site although I don't post often and probably haven't in a year. I'm bouncing back from a 2.5 day binge and am suffering from crippling anxiety. I have and am treated for anxiety anyway but today I just can't shake it. I'm hoping putting everything out there to people who have been in my shoes will help. Until Friday, it had been a year since my last bender. I wish I could say it had been a year since my last drink, but I thought I had a "handle" on my drinking. I wasn't drinking every night and havent experienced withdrawals but I am suffering in other ways. I started out having drinks at lunch with my coworkers. I had 7 draft beers and stopped for a case on my way home. Drank until I passed out. Started drinking as soon as I woke up on Saturday and went to a St. Patrick's Day parade where I continued to drink all day and night. Yesterday was the same. I wish the weekend had been uneventful but I did some really terrible things. I took my pants off in my Uber and tried to get the driver to mess around with me (OMG) and keyed my neighbor's car for parking in my spot. I cannot stop thinking about my behavior. I am embarrassed and anxious and so sick of this. I've had up to 3 weeks of sobriety and felt fabulous. I've been hiding my drinking from my family and friends. I HATE the way I feel after a weekend of drinking and don't know why I continue to do it to myself. I faked having a dr appointment this morning so I could sleep in. I've got my office door locked and am trying to sleep. I used to talk to a few people on here daily and that really helped. I'm hoping I can find that in someone again. Thanks for taking the time to read. xo

Bobbieka

Welcome back, Carrie.
Glad to have you hear. We can do this together.

FreeOwl

well.... crap. that's a lot.

on the other hand, it could have turned out way worse.... like that uber driver could have taken you up on that offer and then dumped you in a field somewhere...... or just raped you and dropped you off on the street....

anxiety is on overload after a huge bender. we've all been there and it sure does suck.

remember; it tones back down after our body and our nerves begin to normalize and you need to remind yourself this wasn't "YOU". YOU are not a bad person, not a failure or a shame or a hopeless mess or terrible or any of it.

you're a human being, worthy and good, capable and deserving of love and understanding and compassion..... and you've got an addiction and a relationship with alcohol that doesn't serve you.

so - focus on staying sober, giving yourself some compassion right now, forgiving yourself, caring for yourself, and COMMIT TO SOBRIETY.

Because hey - you NEVER HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS AGAIN.

thomas11

Sounds like a rather eventful weekend. At some point your desire to quit will outweigh the "urge" to get wasted. And weekends like this past one should help reinforce that. You're not alone, most of us have done it. The difference is for many of us here, we decided enough was enough. It just wasn't worth it anymore. Even if you have to spend the next 10 weekends at home on the couch ordering a pizza and watching TV, you will not subject yourself or others to that stuff. Rootin for ya.

CarrieBradshaw

Thanks all for the responses. It is so nice to be able to discuss this with people who have been in my position and have overcome it. And thanks for withholding judgment

Anna

No judgement, Carrie - we've all done things we'd love to undo.

I'm glad you're back and ready to work on recovery again. You can be the person you want to be and you don't have to feel like this agains.

kittycat3

I have been there too Carrie. It's been almost a year since I quit drinking and gave up anxiety like yours. You never have to feel this way again if you don't want to. You can do this!

bronzie

Welcome back! I drank over this weekend too, and the anxiety and fatigue is still with me today. I wish I could just stay in bed all day and hide. But I have to work in a couple of hours. So I'm going to focus on eating healthy, hydration, being kind to myself, and trying to smile. Hope you will do tha as well, and don't be too hard on yourself. People make mistakes, we are human. We will get thru this, and be stronger Feel so much better sober!

Delizadee

Welcome back it's so important that we come back if we fall, and I'm very glad you did. There has been a lot of good responses here, and I have to repeat that you need to be kind to yourself, stop beating yourself so you can carry on with the work you need to do to rebuild yourself and move forward in life.
I have no doubt that you can do this. Eyes forward, you need to focus on your next steps, not on what's behind you. You deserve peace and contentment. Stick close to us. We're here for you.

FBL

Welcome back, Carrie. We've all done stupid/crazy things while drunk. The question is, are you ready to quit now for good? It's the only way I know for sure to move forward and to insure you'll never have a repeat of this past weekend.

teatreeoil007

Sounds like you regret drinking and regret your behavior. That can be a good motivator for your future. Learn from it and try not to let yourself be dragging around too much shame. We've all done stupid stuff we've been ashamed of. Good news is you don't have to repeat it and you can gain new, good convictions and life can be better....oh sooooo much better. I like what Free Owl wrote. You could have been taken advantage of and there was an element of danger. You lucked out there.....

Hevyn

Great to have you back with us, CB.

Same thing happened to me every time I thought I could be a social drinker. It took me many years to finally admit that each time it was in my system I became a different person. I know I'm no longer me when I get wasted. Dangerous things have happened. The only way to stay safe was to stop all together. You know this now - and you never have to feel this awful again. We are with you.

nyala

Zero judgement, Carrie. 100% support and understanding.

Admitting, and then accepting I am an alcoholic was the best move I ever made in my crazy life.

Stay close to SR or a local support group. None of us can do this alone.

And none of us need to

Fradley

CarrieBradshaw

Thank you all for the extremely kind responses. Seriously, this day wouldn't have been manageable without your support and compassion. I was moved to tears. To those of you who posed the question, am I ready to quit? The answer is yes. YES YES YES. Someone once told me, "drinking is only stealing happiness from tomorrow," and that has resounded with me today. Not long after posting, I pulled myself out of the hypothetical hole I was in and went to work. Actually had quite a productive afternoon which helped tremendously. I took a nap when I got home and had every intention of hiding away in bed for the rest of the evening, but decided to get up, take a hot shower, cook a healthy dinner and watch some TV. My blood pressure is starting to normalize. This day might not be a total waste anyway. I really cannot thank you all enough. I know reliving the drinking days aren't fun, but you have helped one person significantly today. xo

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Carrie!!

Venecia

It's good to see you, Carrie Bradshaw. I felt an affinity for someone who'd choose your screen name, as I was a big fan, too, and had wondered how you were doing.

Carrie, sobriety and recovery is within everyone's reach, no exceptions.

Welcome back. You can do this, CB.

Steely

I've been there too Carrie...def no judgement. Thanks for the "stealing happiness from tomorrow" quote. You helped me, as it is so true. May all your tomorrow's be happy.

Delilah1

Welcome back Carrie! Absolutely no judgement here, I have absolutely done things I wish I hadn't when drunk.

I have finally managed 14 and a half months of sobriety, after struggling in and off for a few years, and life is so much more manageable. I still have anxiety, but it is controlled, and nothing like it was while I was drinking.

Thinking about SATC, the characters who played achar,Otto and Samantha don't drink in real life, I read about it online a while back.

Try checking in and reading and posting each day, it really does help. Think about joining the March 2017 class. Also, pop in on the 24 hour thread, it is a great foul, and also a good place to make that commitment for the next 24 hours.

Finally, read around on here and see what you might want to add to your recovery toolbox: meetings, reading about recovery, mindfulness, exercise, counseling... there are lots of paths to recovery.

You can do this!!!

PhoenixJ

Carrie- anxiety is crap. Alcohol is crap. To stop the cycle you need to do something different. Perhaps counselling and a physical checkup and meetings with a plan?

Dee74

Welcoem back Carrie

The really great thing about recovery for me is I'm finally living n authentic life - this is the real me - not that drunk guy.

I know you can make this your ultimate turning point. - you can do this

D