Katchie

I didn't rais his this way. Quite the opposite. My youngest son has turned his back on everything he was taught while my xah provided the opportunity and the funding for my sons adventures.

Thursday night I received a call that my underage son was throwing a huge party with underage drinking at the old family home. I can't get a hold of my ex but find out through the grapevine that my 18 year old high school student, an ADULT, was left at home alone for the weekend once again -- free reign and cash for his escapades taboot. My boyfriend, who's phone number is restricted, called my son masquerading as a police officer who has received several complaints from neighbors of underage drinking and loudness and offers him 10 minutes to clear that house or he's coming in with officers to arrest everyone. I live out of state so at the moment, 11 at night, it seemed the best idea or I was prepared to call the cops myslelf. My neighbor calls and says they scattered like roaches who had light shed on them. 30 minutes later, his uncle shows up to check on him and finds he is higher than a kite, chews him out and tells him to go to bed and stay off the streets. By this time my xah has found out what was going on and likewise calls and chews him out. So..my son has had 3 buffers come his way that evening. Did he stay out of trouble? NO! It became worse, much worse. My son believes a handgun, yes a handgun, was stolen and believes he knew who did it. To make a long story short, the person he believes to be the theif, my son goes to his house in the early morning hours and shoots it up. Yes..he did this. I know without a doubt this was drug and alcohol related. I have been distraught and devastated by this news. I haven't seen my son who now sits in a terrible place with terrible people. Now that he has come down from his high he is scared sh*tless. He's not so big and bad anymore. He's calling, though he couldn't get a hold of me, asking to please bail him out, which was set at $25,000. My xah is ACTUALLY wanting to bail him out, even though we discussed it wouldn't be the right thing to do, not for my son and not for the fact that he is going to have to get a public defender because neither of us can afford what it would cost to defend him. He isn't going to listen. I can see it now. If he posts bail it will be difficult to prove my son cant afford his own attorney. ARRRRGH UUUGGH!! He's an idiot in more ways than one!!! WHY on Gods green earth did he not call me so I could pick our son up and supervise!????? WHY!!! We've talked about this over and over and over -- don't leave our son alone on a weekend because sh*t happens every time!
I'm so angry. I don't even want to see my kid. I don't want anything to do with him. I was sitting here thinking this morning, I've raised a SCUMBAG of a kid!! I'm disgusted! WHO does such things?? There were people sleeping inside the home when he shot it up! He could have killed someone!! I'm sick. He endangered so many people and had no thought for those who love him. Drugs and alcohol. Lovely.

qwer1234

I'm just so sorry for all this ..... I'm a mom too. It sucks waiting for them to find bottom.

qwer

FireSprite

(((((Katchie)))))) I'm so sorry. I have no words of wisdom but lots of hugs. I can't imagine how surreal this must be feeling today.

NewRomanMan

You didn't raise a scumbag, Katchie. You know that. He's just made some horrid decisions while under the influence. It happens all the time. I'm not excusing it, just saying you're not alone.
For what it's worth, I think you're dead on right not wanting to bail him out of jail. Let him suffer the consequences of his poor choices. Maybe it will wake him up. You're under no obligation to clean up his mess, IMO.
Prayers for you and your family.

dandylion

Katchie......I can relate to how you must be feeling.
I agree...that he should not be bailed out. He needs to stay scared s***less! Your husband needs to get into legal trouble, himself for allowing underaged drinking and (drug usage?) in his house......
The family should (in an ideal world)...give your husband a Come to Jesus talk.....

Katchie

My xah must be feeling very guilty because he offered up that "he wasn't going to be blamed for this". I hadn't blamed him, but he must know where a finger or two should be pointed. I'm very angry at him too knowing what our son has done when left to his own devices. At the same time, our son is an adult and will be tried as an adult. I just wanted him to graduate; that won't be happening this spring.

PhoenixJ

I will offer no advice. BUT I will give support and offer empathy to your and your family. Stay safe and remember to look after yourself with HALTS stuff. Keep posting.

dandylion

Weeelll, Katchie.....he can say anything he wants but he IS to blame....because he provided the home, knowingly....He has to shoulder that much responsibility..
I'm not saying that your son doesn't have responsibility for his actions, though.
and, he will have to answer...but, so should your husband.
I wonder where the Church and all of your husband's church friends stand on this? I wonder if they will take him to task.......What about your husband's parents......

Katchie

My x's family I don't have contact with. I believe his mother is in denial. I love her, but she is. She has never dealt with addiction before and just doesn't get it. I don't know what they are telling my x. Most of the time I can't even get my x to answer my calls or texts. I know he is still drinking. The last time I saw him, about a month or less ago, at my troubled sons ballgame he about knocked me over with his alcohol odor he was trying to cover with a wad of Copenhagen. I haven't smelled that stench in a couple of years. My lawyer -- yes, he's in legal trouble for all of the past alimony he never paid me -- said when he showed up for his contempt of court hearing he smelled of alcohol and looked pathetic. I don't know how all of this will go down. I know the firearm our son used is registered in my x's name.
As far as his friends and the church are concerned, I don't know. Most of them sympathize and enable him thinking they can help. I don't have contact with the majority of them anymore because it seems they prefer him and his friendship to mine. That's ok. After this episode, I'm glad I no longer live in that area.

dandylion

Katchie....I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I know how worried you must be about your son....You are a mother, after all (even though I know you must want to "kill" him, right now).....

this is where the Serenity Prayer could be of help for you....

Katchie

I've spent the last few days in grief. I've been scared for him seeing the hundreds of people and what their arrests are for knowing he was thrown in with them. I feel like I've lost him. Now, I'm p*ssed. I could spit nails at him. HE alone did this. HE chose it. He turned his back on all that is good and decent, all of his upbringing. He knew better but chose bad. Its my son who's picture is in the news. He is no better than those hundreds of others he now shares a building with. Its devastating.

Ariesagain

Has you ex paid you the back support he owes you yet?

This is going to sound harsh, but at 18, your son is considered an adult. Trying to babysit him continually so that he wouldn't screw up wasn't a realistic long-term strategy, right? The minor consequences didn't impress him...now he has major consequences.

I hope your ex refuses to bail him out. It's just more babysitting and teaches him that others are around to clean up his mess. Besides, you have three other kids to consider...spending bail money you don't have compromises their care.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Jaeger

Katchie,
I am so sorry you are going through this. My son also got arrested his senior year. It was devastating. I had all the same thoughts. Here is my perspective, in hindsight. He is not bad, he is sick. You didn't raise him that way, there's good in him because you instilled it in him. Unfortunately, the family dynamics with your XAH drinking, also contributed. While it may seem like the end of the world now, it's not a bad thing that it happened now. You still have some control at this age. Just because he's 18, he could still get juvenile offender. Even if he doesn't graduate on time, that's ok too! What use is that diploma if he doesn't change his ways? It's worthless. He needs treatment now much more than school. I wish I had pushed my son toward that when his first arrest happened. If I had, maybe he wouldn't have continued his use and had a much worse charge a year and a half later.

I also agree with you. I would not bail him out immediately. He needs to understand the consequences of his actions and know what that kind of lifestyle will lead to. Keeping you and your son in my prayers!

Jaeger

dandylion

Katchie.....your son is 18yrs. old. His brain is not, yet, finished growing ...not, really, until about mid 20's. At this age, they still make bad choices. they don't see around the corners....they feel invincible. Even when they know right and wrong, intellectually....their brains don't always make the connection, when they are in another context...circumstance.
At this age, they are sooo influenced by their environment and their peers. It sure doesn't help that his male role model is showing him every wrong thing to do...right in the house he is living in!!
If it is any help...in jails, they don't keep the younger clients in the same place as hardened criminals. those are sent off to prison...
Actually, he is probably safer in jail than with his father.
If it were me...I would hope that the courts will intervene and see that he will be sent to a different environment than that of his father's house.....

Try to take care of yourself, Katchie.....this is tough, but you will get through it.....

hopeful4

I'm so sorry friend. You are right though, if he is bailed out, they will not give him a public defender. That happened w/ my X. Someone else paid his bail and he was denied a public defender b/c they said he should have stayed in jail and used that money for an attorney.

Tight hugs friend.

Jaeger

Actually in my son's circumstances, my XH bailed my son out but he was still able to get a public defender because that was based on my son's income and assets.

Katchie

Im sure this is based on the judge and the area one lives in. I've heard it both ways in my area, but what was agreed upon is that it is very difficult to obtain a public defender if bail is made.

firebolt

(((Katchie))))

I can't imagine what you're going through.

I'm going to remind you to go back to basics here

The 3 C's
Detachment
And the Serenity prayer.

Hang in there - sending good thoughts, vibes, prayers for your son to find his way. (((HUGS))) mama!

Katchie

He is being tried as an adult on charges of assault with a deadly weapon. It is yet determined if intent will be added. 20 rounds were shot at that house and its vehicle parked in the driveway...20! And people were sleeping at the time inside. The judge is not happy and set bail at $25,000. My understanding for a first offense and his age this is very harsh for my area, according to a relative that use to work as a lawyer in the public defenders office.
I don't know what will happen. As goofy as it seems, I just wanted him to graduate and then if he wanted to do this, so be it. Goofy, I know.

firebolt

Hoping this is his wake up call, and that he lets this be a blessing to himself, Katchie.