He's four months sober
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 83
He's four months sober
Hey everyone,
It's been a while since I posted. Was a really emotional for myself time four months ago. Alcoholic partner went into a mental health hospital, got on antidepressants, stayed 2 weeks, and came home. He's been in therapy since. One round of mixed therapy types, now he's in therapy classes of CBT and DBT I believe. He keeps most of it to himself. Sometimes he will tell me a topic, or show me a worksheet they did. The doctors have diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disorder. Which, when I read up a tiny bit on it, sounded just like what an alcoholic is....moody, distorted self image, etc. He seems to really be benefitting from the therapy. Sometimes I even forget he is an alcoholic. Other times, when I'm not around him, I think back to the past and how he's hurt me. And I get angry again. Angry also that he hasn't made and kind of apologies or repairs. He needs his space and that's fair. I guess I need someone to acknowledge I'm allowed to feel unhappy with things still. Someone to tell me how to deal with being upset. We feel very distant. He still tells me he loves me, we still go on dates. We celebrated Valentine's our normal way. But there's so much distance.
It's hard to describe. It's almost like we're pals. And we have a good time as long as no one lifts up the rug to see what's underneath. We don't have physical intimacy and we don't really have emotional intimacy.
I think I need to be back posting on here so I can remember that I started taking care of myself. I need to get back to focusing on me...... I need to work on my career and get my life in order. Maybe make goals about travelling or applying to colleges. I really need all that.
Am I codependent? Should I go to the Library and see if I can find some books on codependency?
Also, for anyone who knows the field.....Does it seem like doctors might misdiagnose an alcoholic with a disorder? Maybe the mental health disorder and the alcoholism coexist? Will he make it if he only treats one and not both? Shouldn't he be seeking addiction counselling too?
I am very proud of him for making it through multiple cravings he told me about. And not drinking thus far. 😁
It's been a while since I posted. Was a really emotional for myself time four months ago. Alcoholic partner went into a mental health hospital, got on antidepressants, stayed 2 weeks, and came home. He's been in therapy since. One round of mixed therapy types, now he's in therapy classes of CBT and DBT I believe. He keeps most of it to himself. Sometimes he will tell me a topic, or show me a worksheet they did. The doctors have diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disorder. Which, when I read up a tiny bit on it, sounded just like what an alcoholic is....moody, distorted self image, etc. He seems to really be benefitting from the therapy. Sometimes I even forget he is an alcoholic. Other times, when I'm not around him, I think back to the past and how he's hurt me. And I get angry again. Angry also that he hasn't made and kind of apologies or repairs. He needs his space and that's fair. I guess I need someone to acknowledge I'm allowed to feel unhappy with things still. Someone to tell me how to deal with being upset. We feel very distant. He still tells me he loves me, we still go on dates. We celebrated Valentine's our normal way. But there's so much distance.
It's hard to describe. It's almost like we're pals. And we have a good time as long as no one lifts up the rug to see what's underneath. We don't have physical intimacy and we don't really have emotional intimacy.
I think I need to be back posting on here so I can remember that I started taking care of myself. I need to get back to focusing on me...... I need to work on my career and get my life in order. Maybe make goals about travelling or applying to colleges. I really need all that.
Am I codependent? Should I go to the Library and see if I can find some books on codependency?
Also, for anyone who knows the field.....Does it seem like doctors might misdiagnose an alcoholic with a disorder? Maybe the mental health disorder and the alcoholism coexist? Will he make it if he only treats one and not both? Shouldn't he be seeking addiction counselling too?
I am very proud of him for making it through multiple cravings he told me about. And not drinking thus far. 😁
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Many of us with alcoholism became that way because of our mental health issues. That sounds great that he has 4 months sober and is following a therapy and medication plan.
Dealing with mental health issues and alcoholism really takes a lot out of you, and you need to put your all into getting better and staying sober. It may be frustrating that he seems to be distant, but it's what needs to be done be sure he stays sober as well and getting his mental health condition in order.
There are books like codependent no more which is highly suggested, also support groups like alanon if you feel it may help.
Dealing with mental health issues and alcoholism really takes a lot out of you, and you need to put your all into getting better and staying sober. It may be frustrating that he seems to be distant, but it's what needs to be done be sure he stays sober as well and getting his mental health condition in order.
There are books like codependent no more which is highly suggested, also support groups like alanon if you feel it may help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,668
I suggest a little bit of knowledge is dangerous without guidance or support. There are no 'shoulds' with relationships (apart from the obvious- respect, love, equality, safety). I suggest you see a counsellor to work yourself out. Perhaps go to al-anon meetings? Unresolved anger issues- for me means confronting ME, working through MY issues and carefully considering advice from professionals, others with experiences to make a plan and use informed choices- not leaving change to chance. I ask myself- how does justifiable anger help me in growing and getting to be happy and at peace?
Support to you and your partner.
Support to you and your partner.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hey, Natasha. Welcome back. Been wondering how you are doing.
Great that your SO has for months under his belt.
Often we use alcohol to help us cope with our heads. When the alcohol consumption stops, we still have what is going on in our heads.
I understand your concern and your emotions. This is a time for you to take care of yourself. His recovery is his alone, and it takes a lot!
I would suggest learning as much as I can about 1)your SO's condition and 2) your. Condition. Certainly reading about alcohol addiction, codependency, and ways that people cope is a great start.
If you are not going to Al-Anon meetings, I would go. Lots of support and understanding there. Good luck.
Great that your SO has for months under his belt.
Often we use alcohol to help us cope with our heads. When the alcohol consumption stops, we still have what is going on in our heads.
I understand your concern and your emotions. This is a time for you to take care of yourself. His recovery is his alone, and it takes a lot!
I would suggest learning as much as I can about 1)your SO's condition and 2) your. Condition. Certainly reading about alcohol addiction, codependency, and ways that people cope is a great start.
If you are not going to Al-Anon meetings, I would go. Lots of support and understanding there. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
Hi Natasha,
I have a daugh with dx of BPD. She also uses alcohol. It's very common for a person with a dx of a personality disorder to have a dual diagnosis (often an addiction of some kind).
There is a forum called outofthefog.net that is a an online support forum for the friends/family/significant others with personality disorders. It's similar in format to soberrecovery.com.
qwer1234
I have a daugh with dx of BPD. She also uses alcohol. It's very common for a person with a dx of a personality disorder to have a dual diagnosis (often an addiction of some kind).
There is a forum called outofthefog.net that is a an online support forum for the friends/family/significant others with personality disorders. It's similar in format to soberrecovery.com.
qwer1234
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by NatashaRomanova 
Sometimes I even forget he is an alcoholic. Other times, when I'm not around him, I think back to the past and how he's hurt me. And I get angry again. Angry also that he hasn't made and kind of apologies or repairs. He needs his space and that's fair. I guess I need someone to acknowledge I'm allowed to feel unhappy with things still. Someone to tell me how to deal with being upset. We feel very distant. He still tells me he loves me, we still go on dates. We celebrated Valentine's our normal way. But there's so much distance. It's hard to describe. It's almost like we're pals. And we have a good time as long as no one lifts up the rug to see what's underneath.
It sounds like you may have been there for his bottom that sent him to the mental health hospital so likely still trying to sort through your own feelings of anger and anxiety and the depression that likely followed the ordeal for you. It can be very difficult to watch someone we love sick and suffering and not be able to do anything about it. I have long suspected my Abf to have Borderline as it fits like a glove, but he's not worked with anyone to get a formal diagnosis. Personality disorders typically have high rates of substance abuse as a means to cope with the feelings that the disorders bring about.
I know what it's like not to know the answers and trying to fix them. I did so much homework and research on BPD treatment and alcoholism treatment asking the same questions you are asking, but the fact is, if he wants to resolve everything he needs to seek out these answers and not you. It's great to be a supportive partner but be careful not to spend too much time tending to others gardens, or you'll end up with a big stack of weeds in your own.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
I was seen by three different psych docs in rehab and all of them came to the same conclusion - no underlying mental issues and I just liked getting buzzed up. I dint know if I'm an anomaly or not. Best of luck to you and all the best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Natasha,
I think your husband is very lucky to have his mental health issues diagnosed and to be getting the proper treatment. Do some research on Dual Diagnosis as I have found from mine that its very common for people to self medicate, and show behaviors that mimic an illness like addiction. I am so so happy he is getting proper care.
I can feel where you are coming from with the relationship, and your own feelings of self. Its been about a year since I started posting here off and on. I was in crisis back then due to my husbands drug, alcohol, and abusive, crazy behavior. A lot of trouble getting him into the right treatment but finally it happened through therapy. I felt so many things as he started to recover. Numb, lonely, angry, sad, confused. I still feel so many things and its been a good six months + for us. Some days I am torn in so many directions by my feelings. We are working on rebuilding our relationship now and things are improving slowly. There are still moments where we cant connect, or where I wan to put up a wall because Im scared to trust him.
Therapy has helped me. Its a place where I can talk about my emotions, talk about my husbands behaviors, his emotional issues, what happened with the abuse incidents. I can work on my feelings and why I feel things. Talk about my own personal goals, and how to get there. There is no limit really on which direction I go in any given session. I would recommend you try therapy because it might help tackle some of what you are feeling and help you see light forward for yourself. I have gone to Alanon in the past, but it doesnt have the capabilities therapy does, and never clicked with me in the way that therapy has,
Also, it might be too early with what your husband is working on in his recovery, but at some point it might be helpful for the two of you to get involved in family therapy. This has helped because there are exercises we go through from the therapist, we can talk back and forth about topics and have the therapist 'help out' with the ability to express things. Slowly, its working in a positive way for us.
I find your post filled with hope, but I also recognize what a dark and confusing place it must be for you right now. If you ever would like to chat please p,m, me.
I think your husband is very lucky to have his mental health issues diagnosed and to be getting the proper treatment. Do some research on Dual Diagnosis as I have found from mine that its very common for people to self medicate, and show behaviors that mimic an illness like addiction. I am so so happy he is getting proper care.
I can feel where you are coming from with the relationship, and your own feelings of self. Its been about a year since I started posting here off and on. I was in crisis back then due to my husbands drug, alcohol, and abusive, crazy behavior. A lot of trouble getting him into the right treatment but finally it happened through therapy. I felt so many things as he started to recover. Numb, lonely, angry, sad, confused. I still feel so many things and its been a good six months + for us. Some days I am torn in so many directions by my feelings. We are working on rebuilding our relationship now and things are improving slowly. There are still moments where we cant connect, or where I wan to put up a wall because Im scared to trust him.
Therapy has helped me. Its a place where I can talk about my emotions, talk about my husbands behaviors, his emotional issues, what happened with the abuse incidents. I can work on my feelings and why I feel things. Talk about my own personal goals, and how to get there. There is no limit really on which direction I go in any given session. I would recommend you try therapy because it might help tackle some of what you are feeling and help you see light forward for yourself. I have gone to Alanon in the past, but it doesnt have the capabilities therapy does, and never clicked with me in the way that therapy has,
Also, it might be too early with what your husband is working on in his recovery, but at some point it might be helpful for the two of you to get involved in family therapy. This has helped because there are exercises we go through from the therapist, we can talk back and forth about topics and have the therapist 'help out' with the ability to express things. Slowly, its working in a positive way for us.
I find your post filled with hope, but I also recognize what a dark and confusing place it must be for you right now. If you ever would like to chat please p,m, me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 83
I have a lot more going on in my mind than I can express right now. I have been to two Al-Anon meetings. Since everyone here was really pushing that. Therapy is not an option in the immediate future but hopefully it will be soon enough.
I didn't share at the meetings. Someone with real Anxiety shared. But I couldnt. I'm angry and anxious and scared and on top of that I'm not sure I felt comfortable. I tried two different groups. Not shooting it down yet. Gonna go again on Saturday.
Right now I really think SR, is the best place for me for sharing. People actually address me here. I am already confused about so much and trying to process things. For some reason going to these meeting feels like more being piled on and not like the pressure is being lifted.
I was going to do a more thought out response on here but I had to post right now in a hurry because he stayed out after therapy with people. And of course the old anxiety about if he's drinking kicks in. I know he made a few acquaintances and had coffee with them after therapy maybe three or so times. But now he's been out with them for about 6hours. And I'm getting anxious he's not only drinking coffee.
I need to post here because at least I can do this and not get my mind in a whirlwind of worries. He has been showing genuines signs of caring about his recovery. But I can't help how I feel. I can only try control what thoughts I have and what I act on.
Not to be negative about Al-Anon. I really did feel good going. At the same time I had to drag myself there both times. I'm a complicated lady I guess. Haha. One was on topic of surrender (which is one of the steps right?) and the other was I guess surrounding judgment, and emotions that would typically be thought of as negative not being a bad thing. I liked hearing that it is okay to FEEL angry, sad, scared, etc.
I didn't share at the meetings. Someone with real Anxiety shared. But I couldnt. I'm angry and anxious and scared and on top of that I'm not sure I felt comfortable. I tried two different groups. Not shooting it down yet. Gonna go again on Saturday.
Right now I really think SR, is the best place for me for sharing. People actually address me here. I am already confused about so much and trying to process things. For some reason going to these meeting feels like more being piled on and not like the pressure is being lifted.
I was going to do a more thought out response on here but I had to post right now in a hurry because he stayed out after therapy with people. And of course the old anxiety about if he's drinking kicks in. I know he made a few acquaintances and had coffee with them after therapy maybe three or so times. But now he's been out with them for about 6hours. And I'm getting anxious he's not only drinking coffee.
I need to post here because at least I can do this and not get my mind in a whirlwind of worries. He has been showing genuines signs of caring about his recovery. But I can't help how I feel. I can only try control what thoughts I have and what I act on.
Not to be negative about Al-Anon. I really did feel good going. At the same time I had to drag myself there both times. I'm a complicated lady I guess. Haha. One was on topic of surrender (which is one of the steps right?) and the other was I guess surrounding judgment, and emotions that would typically be thought of as negative not being a bad thing. I liked hearing that it is okay to FEEL angry, sad, scared, etc.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 83
And one last thing to add. I was trying to translate the God parts of the steps into another form. I am not religious at all. And someone gave me this acronym: Good Orderly Direction.
I mean as far as higher powers go, it's easy to admit there's a greater knowledge than my own that can help me.
I mean as far as higher powers go, it's easy to admit there's a greater knowledge than my own that can help me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I think I need to be back posting on here so I can remember that I started taking care of myself. I need to get back to focusing on me...... I need to work on my career and get my life in order. Maybe make goals about travelling or applying to colleges. I really need all that.
And travel - if you can afford it - just do it!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I think it's reasonable to be worried when an alcoholic is out for six hours with people you don't know. I don't mean that I think he's drinking, but that after what you've been through with him, worry, anxiety, and even anger are completely legitimate responses to the situation. It's good that he's still working on his recovery, but the future is still unknown, so naturally your mind is full of all kinds of disconnected thoughts and "whirls". Try not to get too down on yourself for having complex reactions to a very challenging situation.
I just started going to Al-Anon recently, and I find that sometimes there's something really valuable in the meetings and sometimes there isn't (and sometimes they're pretty annoying) - but just the fact that I'm going makes me feel like I have a little more control over my own situation. If the meeting doesn't feel comfortable, maybe try just zoning out mentally and reminding yourself that you don't have to do anything or share anything - you can just wait for time to pass, if that's what feels best in the situation (and if you find yourself doing this all the time, maybe time to try a different meeting).
I just started going to Al-Anon recently, and I find that sometimes there's something really valuable in the meetings and sometimes there isn't (and sometimes they're pretty annoying) - but just the fact that I'm going makes me feel like I have a little more control over my own situation. If the meeting doesn't feel comfortable, maybe try just zoning out mentally and reminding yourself that you don't have to do anything or share anything - you can just wait for time to pass, if that's what feels best in the situation (and if you find yourself doing this all the time, maybe time to try a different meeting).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,668
NR- for me half the time -a meeting is good just so I can be around people for a while. Like today- GoodFri. (1700 here). Lots of all crap feelings- not with family. Went to a meeting just to get out of my own head. It is not an epiphany for me most of the time.
Support to you.
Support to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i hope he made it home in one piece, Natasha.
assuming nothing "covert" was going on, it is perfectly ok to tell him that you would very much appreciate a phone call if he's just going to go "hang out" for such a length of time. that is not an unreasonable request.
funny, the only times my other half couldn't USE a phone or REMEMBER he had one was when he had very good REASON not call!!!!!! in this day and age of cellphones, NO ONE can come up with a good enough excuse!!!
battery died = ok, what about the 14 other people standing within 10 feet of you?
couldn't get reception = sorry unless you are 3 stories underground or up above the treeline on a mountain, you can get reception. OR find a landline.
it's tough to stem the tide of worry. it's what we DO! i tend to vacillate between worry and RAGE. neither exactly great emotional states. but i also get a LOT of housework done!
assuming nothing "covert" was going on, it is perfectly ok to tell him that you would very much appreciate a phone call if he's just going to go "hang out" for such a length of time. that is not an unreasonable request.
funny, the only times my other half couldn't USE a phone or REMEMBER he had one was when he had very good REASON not call!!!!!! in this day and age of cellphones, NO ONE can come up with a good enough excuse!!!
battery died = ok, what about the 14 other people standing within 10 feet of you?
couldn't get reception = sorry unless you are 3 stories underground or up above the treeline on a mountain, you can get reception. OR find a landline.
it's tough to stem the tide of worry. it's what we DO! i tend to vacillate between worry and RAGE. neither exactly great emotional states. but i also get a LOT of housework done!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Natasha.....you are entitled to your feelings and emotions. They are real. All emotions are real. What you do with them, or a result of them, is what is important.
A basic fact---you deserve to be happy. You have the right to leave a relationship at any time you want to...just because that is what you want to.
Your happiness is just as important as anyone else's.
Yes, it is still early recovery for him...and it takes about a year for the alcoholic's brain to level out....so, maybe, keep the bar of your expectations low, during this time....and you may have to stay relatively detached to accomplish that...if you decide to wait to see what will be revealed....
***Not everyone agrees with me on this point...but, I believe that there comes a time when your resentments and bitterness over past actions neds to be addressed...and, maybe, it would be good to do that with the help of a trained professional....but, you will need to know that he "gets it".
If he stays in treatment and works through the 12 steps....you may begin to notice some real changes in him...but, it does take a while....
Continue to develop your own life...which you need to do in any case....you need to heal and recover from the affects his drinking has had on yourself...and, identify an baggage that you may have carried to the relationship, your self.....We all have baggage....lol...even if it is just a small carry-on case.....
A basic fact---you deserve to be happy. You have the right to leave a relationship at any time you want to...just because that is what you want to.
Your happiness is just as important as anyone else's.
Yes, it is still early recovery for him...and it takes about a year for the alcoholic's brain to level out....so, maybe, keep the bar of your expectations low, during this time....and you may have to stay relatively detached to accomplish that...if you decide to wait to see what will be revealed....
***Not everyone agrees with me on this point...but, I believe that there comes a time when your resentments and bitterness over past actions neds to be addressed...and, maybe, it would be good to do that with the help of a trained professional....but, you will need to know that he "gets it".
If he stays in treatment and works through the 12 steps....you may begin to notice some real changes in him...but, it does take a while....
Continue to develop your own life...which you need to do in any case....you need to heal and recover from the affects his drinking has had on yourself...and, identify an baggage that you may have carried to the relationship, your self.....We all have baggage....lol...even if it is just a small carry-on case.....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
