HURTINGDINA

I have finally put a name to myself.

The Doormat.

Come on in...

I'm too old- wipe your feet
I'm too fat- wipe your feet
I'm too lazy- wipe your feet
Passed over for a job (to someone I trained) because I didn't ask for it, cause I didn't deserve it- wipe your feet
I caused you to drink- wipe your feet
I make you miserable- wipe your feet
told I was crazy-wipe your feet
did get crazy- wipe your feet
watched the wrong TV Shows- wipe your feet
spent to much time with pets- wipe your feet
sex got boring -wipe your feet
I am boring- wipe your feet
sat on my azz all day at work (secretary)- wipe your feet
his job was more important because he made more money- wipe your feet
house was never clean enough- wipe your feet
hated the way I dressed- wipe your feet
was always designated driver- wipe your feet
made excuses when he didn't show up to family & friend's events-wipe your feet
had to go alone to functions- wipe your feet
avoided the beach for 4 yrs because he didn't want to be seen with me cause his family is very thin- wipe your feet
abandoned after 26 yrs- wipe your feet
shell of the woman I once was- wipe your feet
haven't been on vacation in 13 yrs because he spent all the money on beer/cigarettes- wipe your feet
left for another woman when he got sober- wipe your feet
I'll make him relapse if he's with me ever again- wipe your feet
left with full responsibility for the kids- wipe your feet
scared every second of the day- wipe your feet
having to go on meds just to function- wipe your feet
afraid of people talking about my family cause he left me- wipe your feet
If I didn't have kids, wouldn't care if I lived or died to escape the pain- wipe your feet

I hate myself for still loving him- wipe MY feet

dandylion

Duna.....Just, WOW!

biminiblue

It's never too late to recover.

(hug)

qtpi

I am so sorry to say how much I can empathize. Get thee to Alanon- you will recover your self!

honeypig

You GO, Dina!

Jaeger

I second this! You do not have to keep feeling this way!

Maudcat

Powerful, Dina.

NYCDoglvr

I can relate to feeling like this at one time ... full of self pity and self hate. But we can change, I promise! I couldn't have done it without Alanon, which saved my sanity. Big hug!

Lilro

OH THE HELL YOU ARE!!!!!!

Pick up that chin and get moving girl! You've got work to do!

PhoenixJ

Support and empathy to you. Deep shite. Do you have any professional support? Al-Anon perhaps also? Empathy again.
Addiction sucks.

Jo2017

You're not alone Dina-in fact , I thought you wrote that for me! But we will survive & I'm hanging on to the hope that in a year or two we'll look back & see this as the start of an honest peaceful life-one that we can't imagine really exists right now! Praying for you!

suncatcher

Sounds like you were married to a verbally abusive narcissist. They sure can wreak havoc on our self esteem but you can build it back up! I think it was good for you to get all of that out of your system! Now you can take a big sigh of relief and move on to the healing process. It may take some time to undo all the psychological damage of being with someone who "wiped their feet" all over you over and over but you can do it! Door mat no more! Hope you find a lot of support here and at Alanon if you choose that route.

amy55

Dina,

I read this, and I also thought you found one of my list of all of the things that was wrong with me. I was also married for a very long time, too long. It's amazing how we hear these things and I think sometimes we talk to ourselves like that also. I know I did. I tried improving on all the things that was wrong with me, and that didn't work either. I was too fat, I lost weight, then I was too skinny. Complained that I cooked too much, and cleaned too much. Told me I had OCD. I stopped, then complained, I did nothing. Well, don't want to talk about me. I'll tell you what's wrong with you. NOTHING. Perhaps you were too loving, too caring, perhaps you actually gave a dam about things.

I had all of these negative talk things that I put into my head from the things that he said. They are not true, none of them.

They say these things to us because of their own low self-esteem. It's like they want us to feel worse then they do, to question ourselves, because, well, that's what we do.

You're going to get through this, and you are going to have a better life.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

PS - I find you to be a very beautiful, articulate woman, someone that I would like to know.

lizatola

I can relate. I had no self esteem. I still struggle. But we are works in progress and I have learned to take life one day at a time. You will move on and you will see a better tomorrow. Hugs and please keep coming back!

HoldOnLoosely

Dina -

I know your post was a rambling, but I looked at it this way... I hope you don't mind the changes I made. I only went 5 lines down. Remember YOU and the beauty in your life.

Come on in...

I have the wisdom and maturity that comes with age
I'm healthy and take good care of myself
I remember to take time to relax
I know other opportunities will come my way
I didn't cause him to drink and I choose not to take his words or actions personally his words...

NewRomanMan

DINA, you are worth so so very much more than you ever received from your husband. An alcoholic narcissist lost in active addiction can be an ugly and foul thing to behold. But it's not reality. Their minds and thinking are twisted and poisoned at that point. The reality of the situation is that you are you. There is no one else on earth who is exactly like you. You are irreplaceable and unique. Nothing he says or does changes that.

garnetwaters

I keep coming back to this post and re-reading it. It was me a few years ago in my darkest moments. Dina, I refuse to accept the label you've given yourself. You are not a doormat. You are a loving, caring person who was abused and taken advantage of. There is a way out of the darkness, but you have to reach for it. Go to al-anon, read the books recommend here. Read the stickies at the top of the forum page. You did not cause the misery that has been laid on you by someone who couldn't manage his own life and emotions. He laid all his problems on you and good people like you twist yourself to figure out what you did. But you didn't cause this. It's not because you spent too much time with the pets (mine told me that, too), it's not because you are boring (mine told me that, too), it's not because of your weight (mine told me that, too). It's not because the house wasn't cleaned right or that you dressed wrong.

Please reach out for support--go to meetings, read. If you can go to a therapist, go. Keep working everyday on you. Not to learn how to dress right, or clean right, but to heal from the crazy thoughts we codies have that everything is our fault. It's not. You are a wonderful, caring person and you are stronger than you think.

Big hug to you, Dina. I want you to assign a new label to yourself today. You are mighty. You are a survivor. You are strong. You are loving. You are a wonderful mother and woman who deserves people in your life that love and respect you.

qwer1234

Dina,

This was my story 10 years ago.

I discovered that I had the power to change my story, by changing my attitude and my choices.

My story didn't change overnight, but slowly, I've changed course.

I let him have his journey and grabbed ahold of my journey and never looked back.

Hugs,

qwer

firebolt

Very powerful - I think everyone here can relate. ((((HUGS)))

SparkleKitty

One of the most powerful things I've read here was, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

All of these things are stories we tell ourselves. We either buy into someone else's story, or we write our own. That's our choice.