redvelvet35

Hey all... A brief intro - I am 36 years old and currently in rehab. It's been about 33 days and I am feeling pretty good. My drinking has resulted in a final warning at work because I missed a meeting however my job isn't in jeopardy. Alcoholism is on both sides of my family and my brother got sober 2 years ago. I don't have any legal issues but decided to get into rehab before things got worse.

My question has to do with the family reaction to getting sober - my mother has been extremely bizarre and is telling me I am lying about quite a few incidents in my past. For example I drank in high school, got in trouble, was grounded and she is now saying this never happened. I reached out to my best friend and she agrees with me - I was grounded most of junior year and we definitely drank in high school.

I have 4 siblings and our house growing up was a busy house. My father is a screamer - explosive and I remember being hit and him hitting my mom. She says none of this happened and I am making it up. As recently as this past November my father threatened to kill me on the phone and they both deny this. She says my father is getting dementia and we can't believe anything he says, he isn't harmful, etc.

Writing this out makes me feel really confused and like I am living in some alternate universe. Has anyone experienced this level of denial? Are they just mentally ill? I am pretty scared.

thomas11

I obviously can't speak for your specific situation, but yeah, its big time denial. It's very prevalent in my own family. My mom will start wars with my father over his drinking but if anyone else dare criticize him about his drinking, she says he doesn't drink that much and that he's fine. When he's clearly not. Its really bizarre and in my opinion, unhealthy.

BrendaChenowyth

It's the most frustrating thing in the world. My mother will deny having said things I vividly remember her saying because they hurt me. She may not remember, but then if that was the case, a person usually just says "Huh. I don't remember that." The person insisting something never happened knows it happened and is in denial. There's really nothing you can do because they need to work out their issues on their own. Know that the reason they are in denial is because there is probably shame attached to that memory for them, and not shame directed at you.

Edit to add..
I get so irritated at my mother for having emotional reactions to MY struggles and setbacks, which maybe is due to a lack of empathy and understanding of what it is to be a mother on my part! Apparently they feel responsible for everything that happens to us and fixate on what they could have done different as parents, no matter how old we get. That must suck. But anyway, maybe Mom feels like if she had been tougher on you when you first started messing around with alcohol, she could have prevented all this addiction mess. She wants to pretend she didn't know. Just an idea, I certainly don't know that.

thomas11

I should also add that yes, things that happened that are despicable get conveniently forgotten about. That in turn makes me think I'm the one that's crazy. But I've learned that its just very strong denial on their part.

Anna

I had a similar experience with my family when I talked about my mother's abuse when I was growing up. So, I didn't tell them anything when I stopped drinking because I knew it would be toxic. My advice is to stay focused on your recovery. 33 days sober is great. YOU know what is right for you and that's what matters.

Maudcat

I think that as we age, we remake our memories. Not sure why. My mother has a completely different take on my father's drinking and his behavior than I do. Who is right? Who knows? "Memento" is a really interesting film about memory and how we remember things.
I'm not a physician, but I have a parent and a sib with dementia. I can tell you that their memories are whacked! Maybe your mom is starting with a bit of dementia herself.
Anyway, you know what you know. Hang in there.
Today I visited my mother. Her heat was set at 65 degrees. When I saw her two days ago, it was set at 72.
So clearly someone turned it down. When I asked each of them who turned the heat down, they both said they don't touch the control.
Hmmmm. Must have been the cat.

MsCooterBrown

Family dynamics. Intriguing to me.
I have figured out that each player in the family has a different perception of what happened. It is dysfunction hell! I have dropped out of my family. I stay close to my kids. I am working on being able to stay sober with all the horrible memories that pop in and out. I am trying to focus on me. May be selfish but it is a must right now. I have also pretty much isolated. In this me time...I am working on a planB to be happy. All of us have our cross we bear. No use in going into it...moving forward is the key....

Fly N Buy

You've posed good questions to ask your rehab counselors it would seem. My parents had a creed to never go to be angry. Well, this was confusing to me as it turned out to be do as I say not as I do at times.

The next morning like the first dusting of snow in late fall, all memories of what transpired seemed to melt away.

In sobriety I clean my side of the street and have learned some tools to establish some boundaries so others don't toss their trash my way.

I would encourage you to delve into it with the professionals

bluedog97

Yes, I can relate to family craziness. I could write a book. They are pretty much in denial about my drinking - in high school or whenever. Plus, any problem that arises, sweep in under the rug or else. It's maddening.

I used this as an excuse to drink for years. I understand the frustration dealing with it as you sober up.

redvelvet35

Thanks for the replies... I think it is just extreme denial. I am going to have the therapists at the treatment center navigate this with me but in the end I am going to continue to focus on myself and my own future. It's upsetting but what else can I really do? I can't fight with her about what is or is not that past - at the end of the day we have no ability to change the past.

I feel so much healthier and finally see some weight falling off of me which has been a huge source of my own insecurity and resulted in a cycle of binge drinking, etc. I am happy I have my brother who is sober and we can give each other support. He is coming to visit me in treatment next week. I am hoping to stay for at least another month before returning and am considering relocating or at least putting massive distance between my parents and myself. They are huge triggers for me because I can't deal with the constant fighting and chaos.

I have found yoga to be incredibly important for me to find inner peace so I have joined a studio by the treatment center and will do a daily practice to keep my mind calm. I am enjoying rehab much more than I ever expected.. so much time to reflect and examine myself.

MissPerfumado

That sounds healthy, redvelvet. As others have said and you also say in your post, you need to focus on moving forward and on your own sobriety.

Families with very unhappy pasts, with a lot of dysfunction, secrets, blame and guilt, are a minefield for alcoholics. In my case, my father is an alcoholic, now sober. My mother cannot forgive him for the ogre he was when we were growing up, and clings to the past. I used to think I could fix it, bring her to closure etc. I can't. I'd rather focus on a happy "now" and a bright future.

All the best. We can do a lot of good helping each other here on SR.

Dee74

I completely agree with Anna.

I learned to smile and nod at my family and focus on the real task at hand - getting into, and staying in, recovery