The Intervention with AH and his parents is tomorrow...

Old 03-09-2017, 08:36 AM
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The Intervention with AH and his parents is tomorrow...

I am relatively new to SR and have found a lot of great advice on here so far. I posted my full story in a separate thread, but long story short, my alcoholic husband and I are in our late 20s, have been married for less than 10 months, have been together for 4 years total (3 years, 3 months before marriage and lived together for a year before marriage). He started getting verbally abusive and acting psychotic 2 months before the wedding, but I went through with the wedding anyway (attributed his behavior to stress). The verbal abuse, psychotic behavior after he was alone, etc continued after the wedding. He vehemently denied he was drinking the whole time. Tried couples counseling for 6 months and that didn't work. He finally admitted he was an alcoholic in Oct 2016 (5 months into our marriage). He went to outpatient rehab for 2 months and then relapsed in Jan 2017. He tried getting sober again a few weeks later and relapsed again. He has been so verbally abusive, irritable, out of control, makes vague suicidal threats, threatens to divorce me daily, and leaves to get a hotel room when he is drunk and mad at me (he admitted he does this to get away and drink more). He drinks any time he is home alone, so I had to stop going out with friends and socializing. Finally, last week, after he once again went to a hotel room for the night, I called his parents and told them about his alcoholism and abusive behavior. They are planning to do an intervention.

The intervention is tomorrow. His parents are driving down to our apartment and bringing someone with a ton of AA experience. His parents have indicated I should not be there for it. I am basically out of the loop now and have left it in their hands (his mom has a ton of experience with alcoholism in her family). I plan to stay at my aunt's tomorrow night. I took some of my valuables to her home yesterday and I am also moving some things into a storage unit today, in anticipation of him getting really upset during the intervention.

I have already been told to divorce him, and I plan to, if the intervention doesn't work or he leaves me for telling his parents. I need some advice on how I should expect the intervention to go. I am so nervous that he will hate me for telling his parents. He indicated in the past that he wanted them to know, so they could help him get sober, but then backtracked on that once he started drinking again. Recently, he has told me he doesn't want them to know. I feel that he will feel this is a betrayal and leave me for it (he threatens divorce all the time anyway).

I told his parents last Friday and made the intervention plan on Saturday. On Sunday, my husband said he doesn't want to drink anymore. He has been 5 days sober, but he also hasn't had a chance to be alone and drink (he relapses and drinks when alone). He is also seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow. But the wheels of intervention are already in motion for tomorrow and I can't ask his parents to not come anymore, especially since he has already tried and failed to get sober by himself twice. At this point, I had no choice but to involve them.

I am so nervous about his reaction. Will he accept it and get help? Will he get mad and hate me and turn his parents against me? Where will I be living next week? Will I still be able to go on the trip we planned to see my family (who live across the country) next week? The only things in my control are getting my valuables out of the apartment, staying away myself, and waiting to hear from him or his parents about how the intervention went. I am scared

How will this go? Can anyone predict? And how long should I stay at my aunt's for?
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Old 03-09-2017, 08:52 AM
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NOBODY can predict that. Every situation and individual is different.

Is this his regular psychiatrist he's supposed to see tomorrow, or is this a new appointment he's supposedly made? I'm saying "supposedly" because it isn't unusual for alcoholics to lie about these things. IF it's a regular appointment with a psychiatrist he's been seeing, then it might be worth cluing the doctor in, explaining that he doesn't know about the planned intervention.

As for how long you might have to stay with your Aunt, same thing--no one here can predict.

I'd just suggest keeping your expectations for this VERY low.
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Old 03-09-2017, 09:00 AM
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I would add that since he has been threatening to leave anyway and has been staying in motels, I would be relieved if he was to leave. What a bunch of manipulative quacking. How stressful for you. Don't let the door hit ya on the way out, dude.

My ex pulled that disappearing act. He'd go out and just stay gone for days. I still wonder if it was to spend time with someone else, but I'll never know. Regardless, when I asked him to move out he went. A part of me was upset that he didn't try to fight for us at all, but I was still relieved that he was gone. He was free to run his life into the ground and I didn't have to deal with him.

I hope you will get to the place where you see this is a blessing instead of a tragedy. You can't stop his self-destruction but as they say, "Let go or be dragged."
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Old 03-09-2017, 09:10 AM
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Being as alcoholics as a whole generally do not like being confronted with the reality of their disease, I'd say Lexi is right. Keep your expectations low. VERY low.
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Old 03-09-2017, 09:13 AM
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There is no way to predict what might happen.

What *I* would find upsetting is being "told" what I should or should not be doing in regards to anything in my marriage. I'm also pink-flagging his mom's behavior here as potentially codependent, DESPITE her knowledge of alcoholism from the addict's POV. I personally think it's up to YOU to define your boundaries - not his mother. More will be revealed, but the way they are running roughshod over you & acting as though the AA program alone can save him..... it has my radar up, more will be revealed.

I would keep my expectations extremely low & work on understanding this disease & creating boundaries for myself if I was you. Even if a miracle occurs & it all goes perfectly & leads him to sobriety & true recovery the potential for relapse is a constant factor for both or you. It's just smart to be educated & aware about as much as possible - good luck!
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Old 03-09-2017, 09:32 AM
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his mom has a ton of experience with alcoholism in her family

cough. having "experience" WITH alcoholism is vastly different from being any type of an expert. case in point HER SON.

my caution to you is this....even IF he did "agree" to whatever will be proposed, that is NOT a green light to race home to his open arms. that you are being excluded from the "intervention" is troublesome in that you are his WIFE and will have no idea what is said, offered or discussed.

it's out of your hands. and as such, you must do what is in YOUR best interests now. not his, not his parents. don't be thrown off because he has managed to amass an entire five whole days without a drink. the day is still quite young. he is still VERY dangerous and volatile.
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Old 03-09-2017, 10:17 AM
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In your other post you mentioned that he was diagnosed with Asperger’s as a child but that you think it may have been a mis-diagnoses because he doesn’t seem to fit all of the criteria. I would not rule that out and it would certainly fit with a dual diagnoses not just the alcohol.

I think the part of your situation where his parents coming in and taking charge, asking you to leave your own home and not be involved with their plan, is bothersome to me on many levels. Because now here you are his legal wife, the one who witnessed his behavior on a daily basis and the one person who knows the most of his current history is being asked to step aside and not be involved.

I do however understand your concern for your safely and that is justified.

As mentioned no one can predict how it will go so plan for the worst and hope for the best.

I was one who made the mistake of believing “words and tears” and rushed back, sadly, more than once. If given that opportunity please stick to a very strong boundary of him being sober for a long period of time and be active in a recovery program before even considering it.
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Old 03-09-2017, 10:40 AM
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There have been many threads related to interventions in the Alcoholism & Newcomers sections of these forums. One of the things that helped me in my own education about addiction was reading in all the forums to get a sense of perspective from all sides.

Here's a recent thread that you may find interesting - especially the "compliance vs surrender" theory that is discussed on page 2. (by Psychologist Dr Harry Tiebout) This theory holds water to me in regards to recovery across the board, regardless of what a person is suffering/recovering from.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ifference.html

(you can use the search engine to find other related threads if you're interested)
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Old 03-09-2017, 11:03 AM
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Originally Posted by ScaredWife29 View Post
He started getting verbally abusive and acting psychotic 2 months before the wedding

He has been so verbally abusive, irritable, out of control, makes vague suicidal threats, threatens to divorce me daily,

The intervention is tomorrow.

I plan to stay at my aunt's tomorrow night. I took some of my valuables to her home yesterday and I am also moving some things into a storage unit today, in anticipation

I have already been told to divorce him, and I plan to, if

I need some advice on how I should expect the intervention to go.

Will he accept it and get help? Will he get mad and hate me and turn his parents against me? Where will I be living next week? Will I still be able to go on the trip we planned to see my family (who live across the country) next week?,
How will this go? Can anyone predict? And how long should I stay at my aunt's for?

I'll address each line. First, you had an opportunity to address this two months before the wedding and didn't - that's all the first line means. What if ... ? You'll never know.

His previous behavior is a good indication of how he might act toward you after the intervention if you two are alone together. So - it's a good idea to prevent that from happening.

Good - the sooner the better. It's best to get these things over with. The anticipation is awful!

I think it's wise to stay with your aunt, but I also wonder what his behavior would look like in front of other people if you were there. (That's me being curious). And this speaks volumes "I took some of my valuables to her home yesterday and I am also moving some things into a storage unit today, in anticipation ... "

Wow. If that's not a sign of feeling threatened I don't know what is. Good for you for taking care of you (your things)!

No one has the right to tell you to do anything save someone in law enforcement. Divorce doesn't need to be addressed while all this is going on. Your husband's health, the intervention, and his behavior after are the things that matter today. One monumental event at a time ...

I encourage you to abandon the words should and shouldn't. They serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

And finally, in answer to all the questions , I offer - don't know, he could try, that depends - right?, no one here can answer that, no idea, no, and as long as you feel you need to.

Best.
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Old 03-09-2017, 11:37 AM
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im very glad to read that youre taking care of you.
what to expect-just my opinion:
expect nothing. that way whatever happens will be easier to accept. whatever the reaction is wont be a surprise and shocking.

but theres nothing wrong with having hope that he accepts help.
just no expectations tied to it.
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Old 03-09-2017, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
NOBODY can predict that. Every situation and individual is different.

Is this his regular psychiatrist he's supposed to see tomorrow, or is this a new appointment he's supposedly made? I'm saying "supposedly" because it isn't unusual for alcoholics to lie about these things. IF it's a regular appointment with a psychiatrist he's been seeing, then it might be worth cluing the doctor in, explaining that he doesn't know about the planned intervention.

As for how long you might have to stay with your Aunt, same thing--no one here can predict.

I'd just suggest keeping your expectations for this VERY low.
He has seen this psychiatrist once or twice (back in fall 2016) before he stopped going. I think he is going again for the purpose of getting anti-depressants. I don't want to tip him off in any way that this intervention is happening, for fear that he won't be at the apartment during the time of the intervention.

I am going to keep my expectations low. Either way, something new will happen and I wasn't able to continue living the way things were going.
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Old 03-09-2017, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
I would add that since he has been threatening to leave anyway and has been staying in motels, I would be relieved if he was to leave. What a bunch of manipulative quacking. How stressful for you. Don't let the door hit ya on the way out, dude.

My ex pulled that disappearing act. He'd go out and just stay gone for days. I still wonder if it was to spend time with someone else, but I'll never know. Regardless, when I asked him to move out he went. A part of me was upset that he didn't try to fight for us at all, but I was still relieved that he was gone. He was free to run his life into the ground and I didn't have to deal with him.

I hope you will get to the place where you see this is a blessing instead of a tragedy. You can't stop his self-destruction but as they say, "Let go or be dragged."
I wish I could get to a place where I could let him go. I built so many hopes and dreams and we got married and had a huge wedding and mixed each other in our lives. It is so hard to let go of everything and 4 years of memories. It is so hard to let go. I know that eventually I may have to. I just keep having this hope that it will work out once he sees the light and wants to get better.

With my ex bf (dated for 3 years and broke up 5 years ago), it was easy to move on because I let my anger get me over him. I also started dating again a few months after the breakup, so I was able to move on. Now, I am completely ambivalent about him and have no feelings whatsoever and no desire to stay in touch or know anything about him. Ancient history. I also didn't have any deep commitment to my ex.
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Old 03-09-2017, 12:11 PM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
There is no way to predict what might happen.

What *I* would find upsetting is being "told" what I should or should not be doing in regards to anything in my marriage. I'm also pink-flagging his mom's behavior here as potentially codependent, DESPITE her knowledge of alcoholism from the addict's POV. I personally think it's up to YOU to define your boundaries - not his mother. More will be revealed, but the way they are running roughshod over you & acting as though the AA program alone can save him..... it has my radar up, more will be revealed.

I would keep my expectations extremely low & work on understanding this disease & creating boundaries for myself if I was you. Even if a miracle occurs & it all goes perfectly & leads him to sobriety & true recovery the potential for relapse is a constant factor for both or you. It's just smart to be educated & aware about as much as possible - good luck!
Yeah, I do feel shut out of this process and feel like fate or his parents or whatever/whoever needs to take over now. I can't keep doing this on my own I will call his mom again tonight to briefly chat about everything and see if I can figure out more of their actual plan.
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Old 03-09-2017, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
In your other post you mentioned that he was diagnosed with Asperger’s as a child but that you think it may have been a mis-diagnoses because he doesn’t seem to fit all of the criteria. I would not rule that out and it would certainly fit with a dual diagnoses not just the alcohol.

I think the part of your situation where his parents coming in and taking charge, asking you to leave your own home and not be involved with their plan, is bothersome to me on many levels. Because now here you are his legal wife, the one who witnessed his behavior on a daily basis and the one person who knows the most of his current history is being asked to step aside and not be involved.

I do however understand your concern for your safely and that is justified.

As mentioned no one can predict how it will go so plan for the worst and hope for the best.

I was one who made the mistake of believing “words and tears” and rushed back, sadly, more than once. If given that opportunity please stick to a very strong boundary of him being sober for a long period of time and be active in a recovery program before even considering it.
I think he definitely has some sort of underlying mental issue, whether that is depression or being deeply, unusually sensitive to things. I hope he can sort that out with the psychiatrist. The drinking definitely exacerbates his underlying condition.

I definitely do feel left out of the process, but I just can't do it alone anymore. I think this is my last ditch effort
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Old 03-09-2017, 12:15 PM
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LETTING GO ~

~ To let go doesn't mean to stop caring:
it means I can't do it for someone else.

~ To let go is not to cut myself off;
it is the realization that I can't control another.

~ To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

~ To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

~ To let go is not to try to change or blame another;
I can only change myself.

~ To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

~ To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

~ To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

~ To let go is not to be in the middle arranging outcomes,
but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.

~ To let go is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.

~ To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

~ To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them

~ To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.

~ To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

~ To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

~ To let go is to fear less
and love more.
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Old 03-09-2017, 12:21 PM
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Originally Posted by MicroMacro View Post
I'll address each line. First, you had an opportunity to address this two months before the wedding and didn't - that's all the first line means. What if ... ? You'll never know.

His previous behavior is a good indication of how he might act toward you after the intervention if you two are alone together. So - it's a good idea to prevent that from happening.

Good - the sooner the better. It's best to get these things over with. The anticipation is awful!

I think it's wise to stay with your aunt, but I also wonder what his behavior would look like in front of other people if you were there. (That's me being curious). And this speaks volumes "I took some of my valuables to her home yesterday and I am also moving some things into a storage unit today, in anticipation ... "

Wow. If that's not a sign of feeling threatened I don't know what is. Good for you for taking care of you (your things)!

No one has the right to tell you to do anything save someone in law enforcement. Divorce doesn't need to be addressed while all this is going on. Your husband's health, the intervention, and his behavior after are the things that matter today. One monumental event at a time ...

I encourage you to abandon the words should and shouldn't. They serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

And finally, in answer to all the questions , I offer - don't know, he could try, that depends - right?, no one here can answer that, no idea, no, and as long as you feel you need to.

Best.
I wish I did examine his behavior before the wedding. I had a really stressful wedding planning process, so I wasn't fully in a place to address it. I also was so shocked by his sudden outbursts. I also felt like it was too late to back out or postpone 2 months before. In the future, I will know that it is never too late to back out.

And I think thoughts of divorce would definitely be put aside while he deals with his alcoholism and sobriety, unless he really wants to divorce me or he does something so crazy that things are irreconcilable. His mom indicated that he shouldn't be making any major decisions until he is sober and she said she will make that clear to him. She said if he divorces me, he has to go to inpatient rehab. I also want to make sure I honor my vows and stick around long enough to help him, and also demonstrate to his family that I really am trying my best. If he is beyond help even after their intervention and after a few months have passed, I will have to let go.

But this is all supposing he responds well to the intervention.

I will also be curious about how he would act if I was there, but for my safety and for the sake of keeping the focus of the intervention on his drinking (and not our marriage), it is probably best that I stay away until I hear from his parents or him.
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Old 03-09-2017, 01:23 PM
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Originally Posted by ScaredWife29 View Post
I wish I could get to a place where I could let him go. I built so many hopes and dreams and we got married and had a huge wedding and mixed each other in our lives. It is so hard to let go of everything and 4 years of memories. It is so hard to let go. I know that eventually I may have to. I just keep having this hope that it will work out once he sees the light and wants to get better.

With my ex bf (dated for 3 years and broke up 5 years ago), it was easy to move on because I let my anger get me over him. I also started dating again a few months after the breakup, so I was able to move on. Now, I am completely ambivalent about him and have no feelings whatsoever and no desire to stay in touch or know anything about him. Ancient history. I also didn't have any deep commitment to my ex.

A couple of things. 1 - about your ex BF. You say "it was easy to move on because I let my anger get me over him." Why are you not angry (or angrier) at your AH??? Why are you letting him off the hook so easily? I promise I am coming from a place of love. But take a look at a few of the things you've written here - He has been so verbally abusive, irritable, out of control, makes vague suicidal threats, threatens to divorce me daily, and leaves to get a hotel room when he is drunk and mad at me Are any of these the types of qualities you look for in your partner for life? You deserve so much better.

What would you tell your best friend if she came to you and said her husband was treating her like how you're being treated?

Also... you said "He drinks any time he is home alone, so I had to stop going out with friends and socializing. " You're letting him control your life. This isn't fair.

And it's been over 5 years since you were with your ex-bf... TIME helps heal. You're IN THE THICK of it now with your AH.... Time will help your wounds heal, your confidence come back, you'll smile and laugh more than you cry... in time!


p.s. have you read the "stickies" here? have you thought about going to al-anon? (((hugs)))
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Old 03-10-2017, 03:41 AM
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Originally Posted by CaptainM View Post
A couple of things. 1 - about your ex BF. You say "it was easy to move on because I let my anger get me over him." Why are you not angry (or angrier) at your AH??? Why are you letting him off the hook so easily? I promise I am coming from a place of love. But take a look at a few of the things you've written here - He has been so verbally abusive, irritable, out of control, makes vague suicidal threats, threatens to divorce me daily, and leaves to get a hotel room when he is drunk and mad at me Are any of these the types of qualities you look for in your partner for life? You deserve so much better.

What would you tell your best friend if she came to you and said her husband was treating her like how you're being treated?

Also... you said "He drinks any time he is home alone, so I had to stop going out with friends and socializing. " You're letting him control your life. This isn't fair.

And it's been over 5 years since you were with your ex-bf... TIME helps heal. You're IN THE THICK of it now with your AH.... Time will help your wounds heal, your confidence come back, you'll smile and laugh more than you cry... in time!


p.s. have you read the "stickies" here? have you thought about going to al-anon? (((hugs)))
Thank you, CaptainM!! Your advice always resonates with me so much because we are both similar ages and had similar relationships with alcoholic husbands.

You are absolutely correct - I think once I leave him, I will be even angrier at my AH than I was at my ex bf (I don't have any feelings, bad or good, toward my ex; I think the anger went away years ago and was replaced by pure ambivalence and never wanting to speak to him again). My ex bf was awful, but he didn't abuse any substances and his verbal abuse was not nearly as bad. AH's verbal abuse is at least 10 times worse and hurts more because he made a marriage vow to always honor me. We also live together, so there's a difference there as well.

You're so right in that I do not deserve this. I know I deserve so much more. My mom told me yesterday that she wishes I knew my worth. I am getting closer every day to walking away.

AH has been sober for almost a week now (I know that is nothing) and has vowed to get better. I have heard this before, but he is also going to a psychiatrist this morning and plans to go to AA meetings as well. I hope he gets better. If he isn't better by the summer, I will have to leave him. I can't keep living my life this way
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Old 03-10-2017, 03:56 AM
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Hello everyone, I just wanted to update you. Yesterday afternoon, my MIL called me and canceled the intervention that was planned for today. She said that the "AA professional" told her that an intervention would not work until my AH hits rock bottom. She said that he has been sober for 6 days, so maybe now is not the time for an intervention. I told her that the only reason he hasn't drank is that I have made it a point to get home before him every day (canceling all my social plans) and he mostly only drinks when alone. I felt really disappointed, as it seems wrong to put this off until he drinks so heavily that he hurts himself or someone else or loses his job / gets a DUI, etc. I would not put this off if it were my child, but that is her prerogative. I mentioned that AH is abusive even when sober and she said that was very wrong of him. She told me to keep in touch with her and update her on AH and also to reach out should I need support. I am pretty disappointed, also, because I already moved my valuables to my aunt's house and to a public storage place. I worked hard at planning for this, driving hours out of my way and paying for a storage unit, only to have it canceled at the last moment.

AH now still does not know that I told his parents and it is scary to worry about whether they will either tell him I told them or it inadvertently slips or they tell extended family members. I asked them not to say anything to him or anyone else until the time is right. I had an exit plan in place in case anything went wrong with the intervention. Now, I am worried that he will find out and I will be living with him when he does. I'll still keep some of my things in public storage. It is useful to have that for the time being.

My MIL did mention that I could threaten to leave him and maybe that will work. She said I could pack a bag and leave temporarily. I told her that if I get to the point of wanting to leave, it probably would not be temporary. It would probably be a permanent decision at that point. My emotions are not a yo yo. And leaving when living together is so logistically difficult that I would not want to do it until I was ready to permanently do so. She called that "immature, no offense."

I see now that I cannot rely on his parents to help, even if they express verbal supoort. I feel all the weight is on me once again. I do not regret telling them, because at the time, I felt like it could help and was my last resort. I didn't know they would back out on assisting.

Now I have to depend on AH's most recent promise of sobriety (he is 6 days sober and is seeing a psychiatrist this morning), and ultimately on myself to know when I have had enough abuse and need to walk away. I want to start living life again. I want to go out to events with friends and AH. I want to not worry about coming home to an abusive drunk who always threatens to leave every night. I recently connected the dots - his threats to leave are two-fold - he wants to go to a hotel so he can drink more, and he knows I have a fear of abandonment, so he leaves to hurt me more
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Old 03-10-2017, 04:24 AM
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You most certainly are not stuck Scaredwife and it is possible for you to move forward with your plans, move, collect yourself and begin your own recovery. I wonder why you would consider staying at this point. Your husband needs to know, that you are serious and are no longer willing to live with his abuse. He needs to see the reality of the situation, since you have a plan in place why not move forward with it

I also hope that you plan to go forward with you visit home, by yourself, and spend time with the people who love you and who will support you. Going away may very well help you get some perspective.

You need to protect yourself, not him.

Why has the cancellation of the intervention changed your mind???
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