Relapse... again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1
Relapse... again
So this is my first post on this site and I'm hoping to find some encouraging words from others going through similar situations. I was addicted to opiates and benzos for the better part of two years, I stole, lied, cheated and many much worse unmentionable things. But I've been off of opiates for about a year and only take (prescribed) klonopin on rare occasions when I feel the day calls for some help.
Anyways the other day I was feeling weak and had a ten hour shift coming up which was enough to push me back into a scum bag mindset (not trying to offend anyone, this is just how I view myself). Having no access to amphetamines or uppers of any sort I resorted to shoplifting a few benzedrex inhalers. They provided me with the energy and euphoria I felt I needed to get through the day.
Now a few days later I've finally reached the point again where I realize just how pathetic I am for stealing a six dollar inhaler just to getnhigh for work. I have been so proud of my ability to stay away from; opiates, recreational benzos and alcohol. But now I've shot my progress in the foot and I'm limping back to my goal of true happiness in sobriety.
I know that I can't do anything bout it now other than keep moving forward and abstaining from drugs but I just feel so defeated. I let my junkie mindset control me again and now I'm stuck lying to my s/o and family about my sobriety and how long it's been since a relapse. Part of me thinks I need to come clean and hope that my loved ones support me and try to help me through this. Yet another part of me thinks that it'd be best to never mention it and keep moving forward trying to remain sober.
Ultimately I just wanted to type this all out to collect my thoughts and perhaps gain insight from others going through similar situations. I truly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this or to reply.
Anyways the other day I was feeling weak and had a ten hour shift coming up which was enough to push me back into a scum bag mindset (not trying to offend anyone, this is just how I view myself). Having no access to amphetamines or uppers of any sort I resorted to shoplifting a few benzedrex inhalers. They provided me with the energy and euphoria I felt I needed to get through the day.
Now a few days later I've finally reached the point again where I realize just how pathetic I am for stealing a six dollar inhaler just to getnhigh for work. I have been so proud of my ability to stay away from; opiates, recreational benzos and alcohol. But now I've shot my progress in the foot and I'm limping back to my goal of true happiness in sobriety.
I know that I can't do anything bout it now other than keep moving forward and abstaining from drugs but I just feel so defeated. I let my junkie mindset control me again and now I'm stuck lying to my s/o and family about my sobriety and how long it's been since a relapse. Part of me thinks I need to come clean and hope that my loved ones support me and try to help me through this. Yet another part of me thinks that it'd be best to never mention it and keep moving forward trying to remain sober.
Ultimately I just wanted to type this all out to collect my thoughts and perhaps gain insight from others going through similar situations. I truly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this or to reply.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi and Welcome,
Congratulations on your recovery. Two things stand out to me in your post. First of all, calling yourself bad names is a really bad idea. You are not a bad person, but you made a mistake. The other thing is that it would be important to have a plan for when you are feeling weak and tired. There are healthy ways that you can get through times like that without using drugs. If you have a plan in place, then you will be prepared the next time it happens.
Whether or not you tell your s/o and family is something that you will have to figure out. I don't know what is right for you, but I'm glad you're here and posting and working on your recovery.
Congratulations on your recovery. Two things stand out to me in your post. First of all, calling yourself bad names is a really bad idea. You are not a bad person, but you made a mistake. The other thing is that it would be important to have a plan for when you are feeling weak and tired. There are healthy ways that you can get through times like that without using drugs. If you have a plan in place, then you will be prepared the next time it happens.
Whether or not you tell your s/o and family is something that you will have to figure out. I don't know what is right for you, but I'm glad you're here and posting and working on your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Perth WA
Posts: 150
Hi JSB, I agree with Anna, please don't think of yourself in those terms, you are here, acknowledging you need to change, instead of Junkie Scum Bag, think Just Seeking Better. I do similar with alcohol, but in reverse, had a long day, get artificial energy from alcohol to carry on and get more stuff done, in the end it just wears me down mentally and physically. Have you talked to your loved ones about supporting you?
You said yourself you are so proud of your efforts staying away, remember that, not the slip ups and know you have the ability to stay away from them again
You said yourself you are so proud of your efforts staying away, remember that, not the slip ups and know you have the ability to stay away from them again
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Rupert ID
Posts: 469
Me three; it's so easy to go into self-loathing and then use again because of it. You are not what you say but are a human being who deserves a sober life. You cannot change what has happened and you cannot stay sober/clean without help. Get a plan for sobriety. Put it into action, each day. Go to NA/AA if that works, get a sponsor, get into rehab, post here, etc. Do WHATEVER it takes to get help and get and stay sober. It's life or death and your sobriety must be your #1 priority. Best wishes from me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome.... I'm sorry for the place you find yourself right now - but glad you've found us.
I'd like to suggest a first action; change your username.
It feels really heavy.... that you've chosen a name that speaks so negatively about you.
I understand how you feel - I've felt like that about myself, too. But one thing that we need to do in order to live a healthy, sober, abundant, vibrant, rewarding, full and present life is to paint another picture. We need to tell another story. We need to focus on the person we want to be, the person we're creating, the person we are deep inside - waiting to transcend the addiction.
No matter what you've done - YOU ARE NOT A JUNKIESCUMBAG.
You're a human being with worth and value and beauty and love and a spark of spirit and a light to offer the world.
Change that name.
And stick around, you can do this.
I'd like to suggest a first action; change your username.
It feels really heavy.... that you've chosen a name that speaks so negatively about you.
I understand how you feel - I've felt like that about myself, too. But one thing that we need to do in order to live a healthy, sober, abundant, vibrant, rewarding, full and present life is to paint another picture. We need to tell another story. We need to focus on the person we want to be, the person we're creating, the person we are deep inside - waiting to transcend the addiction.
No matter what you've done - YOU ARE NOT A JUNKIESCUMBAG.
You're a human being with worth and value and beauty and love and a spark of spirit and a light to offer the world.
Change that name.
And stick around, you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
It sounds like you are mad at yourself. You should be, that's not healthy behavior. But calling yourself demeaning names is not the appropriate action either. Now, signing up to this forum and posting IS healthy behavior and you deserve credit for that. Lots of smart people here, listen to them. They will help you.
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