So embarrassed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 42
So embarrassed
Hi everyone,
I'm not exactly new to sobriety - and yet my sobriety date is now yesterday.
I had several years sober - no interest in alcohol, didn't resent others drinking, didn't drink on feelings, never wanted to drink again, and was very happy. In fact, I thought I "knew I would never drink again".
Then, over the past year or two, I have relapsed several times every 3-8 months, for a week or a so each time. And I don't know why!
I'm not happy or sad or upset, No events to trigger anything, but it's like I just go and buy a bottle for no reason. But I wish I know why I did, and why now. I never did before, despite all the bottle shops minutes walk from my house.
I call these episodes "blindspots" because I don't know what causes them. I think I worked one out after it happened twice - illness - so I can take extra care to look out for that one again.
But with the rest: they just seem random.
Please, does anyone experience this and what do they do about it?
I'm thinking of practicing Mindfulness again, so I can catch any feelings or drinking thoughts I may be unaware of.
Any help or insight gratefully received.
Thank you. I feel so guilty about it.
I'm not exactly new to sobriety - and yet my sobriety date is now yesterday.
I had several years sober - no interest in alcohol, didn't resent others drinking, didn't drink on feelings, never wanted to drink again, and was very happy. In fact, I thought I "knew I would never drink again".
Then, over the past year or two, I have relapsed several times every 3-8 months, for a week or a so each time. And I don't know why!
I'm not happy or sad or upset, No events to trigger anything, but it's like I just go and buy a bottle for no reason. But I wish I know why I did, and why now. I never did before, despite all the bottle shops minutes walk from my house.
I call these episodes "blindspots" because I don't know what causes them. I think I worked one out after it happened twice - illness - so I can take extra care to look out for that one again.
But with the rest: they just seem random.
Please, does anyone experience this and what do they do about it?
I'm thinking of practicing Mindfulness again, so I can catch any feelings or drinking thoughts I may be unaware of.
Any help or insight gratefully received.
Thank you. I feel so guilty about it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR Stoprelapsing. I think you'll find a lot of folks who have been through exactly what you have been here, and we understand.
Were you doing anything to actively promote your sober life during the years that you were sober? Or were you just "not drinking"? Some people can just decide to quit and do it without looking back, but others need to support their sobriety with some kind of formal plan. Some people use structured programs with meeting like AA/LifeRing/Smart recovery, etc. Others use self paced methods like AVRT. Some use counseling, therapy, mindfulness, exercise - you name it.
I went in and out of dry periods for the last couple years of my drinking and found that the only way I was able to fully commit to permanent sobriety was to first accept that I truly am an alcoholic, and that I always will be. Before I did that I was always trying to figure out a way to "fix" myself so I could drink "normally"...but it never worked. I don't think you even need to use the term "alcoholic"...but I needed to accept that drinking even one drink would never be an option for me. There is simply something in the fabric of me that won't ever allow me to drink alcohol in a controlled fashion, and I can never change that.
Were you doing anything to actively promote your sober life during the years that you were sober? Or were you just "not drinking"? Some people can just decide to quit and do it without looking back, but others need to support their sobriety with some kind of formal plan. Some people use structured programs with meeting like AA/LifeRing/Smart recovery, etc. Others use self paced methods like AVRT. Some use counseling, therapy, mindfulness, exercise - you name it.
I went in and out of dry periods for the last couple years of my drinking and found that the only way I was able to fully commit to permanent sobriety was to first accept that I truly am an alcoholic, and that I always will be. Before I did that I was always trying to figure out a way to "fix" myself so I could drink "normally"...but it never worked. I don't think you even need to use the term "alcoholic"...but I needed to accept that drinking even one drink would never be an option for me. There is simply something in the fabric of me that won't ever allow me to drink alcohol in a controlled fashion, and I can never change that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Welcome, Stop. I'm pretty new in sobriety and have a serial relapse history, too. For me, so far, I have to clearly label as pure addiction all thoughts like "let's have a drink, just one maybe two" and "let's just pull in to the bottle shop or aisle and just have a look". If I have these thoughts and recognize/believe they are addictive thoughts, then I have a fighting chance to dismiss or wait them out. If I believe instead these are my own true thoughts, because I am such a complex, deep, fun, happy, sad, reasonable, spontaneous, (adjective here) person...then I don't have much chance, I will probably act on thoughts that I don't recognize as addiction.
Mindfulness practice might help in separating yourself from destructive tendencies. I want to develop a more disciplined practice and see what it does for me, too.
Mindfulness practice might help in separating yourself from destructive tendencies. I want to develop a more disciplined practice and see what it does for me, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 42
Thank you for the welcome Scott. I did get into Buddhism and that has helped me a lot. Unfortunately, I'm often bedbound (chronic illness), so it limits what I can do offline. And my head is often too foggy to use screens and read too much.
That's why I thought it would help to join a forum again and step up my Mindfulness (unfortunately, life got in the way of that for longer than I'd like).
I helped others when I was fit (and yes even now from bed a lot of the time).
I know I am an alcoholic - I know I will never drink normally. I am so glad you found recovery - I hope I can do it again as well. Day 2 so far.
That's why I thought it would help to join a forum again and step up my Mindfulness (unfortunately, life got in the way of that for longer than I'd like).
I helped others when I was fit (and yes even now from bed a lot of the time).
I know I am an alcoholic - I know I will never drink normally. I am so glad you found recovery - I hope I can do it again as well. Day 2 so far.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I very much agree with Scott's comments. You do need to find things in your life that bring you peace and joy. Not drinking is not usually enough to ensure long-term sobriety.
I also wonder about self-sabotage and if that's a possible reason for your relapses? Self-sabotage was, for me, a huge mountain to overcome. I was more comfortable with failure in my life, than with success. I had to make a fundamental shift in my thinking and begin to believe that I deserved a good life.
I also wonder about self-sabotage and if that's a possible reason for your relapses? Self-sabotage was, for me, a huge mountain to overcome. I was more comfortable with failure in my life, than with success. I had to make a fundamental shift in my thinking and begin to believe that I deserved a good life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Rupert ID
Posts: 469
Originally Posted by Stoprelapsing 
Thank you for the welcome Scott. I did get into Buddhism and that has helped me a lot. Unfortunately, I'm often bedbound (chronic illness), so it limits what I can do offline. And my head is often too foggy to use screens and read too much.
That's why I thought it would help to join a forum again and step up my Mindfulness (unfortunately, life got in the way of that for longer than I'd like).
I helped others when I was fit (and yes even now from bed a lot of the time).
I know I am an alcoholic - I know I will never drink normally. I am so glad you found recovery - I hope I can do it again as well. Day 2 so far.
That's why I thought it would help to join a forum again and step up my Mindfulness (unfortunately, life got in the way of that for longer than I'd like).
I helped others when I was fit (and yes even now from bed a lot of the time).
I know I am an alcoholic - I know I will never drink normally. I am so glad you found recovery - I hope I can do it again as well. Day 2 so far.
I have not had quite the long period of sobriety that you had, but I have definitely experienced your sober, relapse cycle. I agree with others here that Scott is spot on. This time (8 months ago), I decided I just could not keep sober without a plan and without much help. I have congestive heart failure and am on supplemental oxygen 24/7, have to sleep in a hospital bed and have become agoraphobic, partly as a defence against anxiety, so I sympathize with your physical hurdles. I do what I can to work around that. Coming to this board has been a great help. My sobriety is my #1 priority. Try to not beat yourself up and just start again with one day, then the next. Best of luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by Anna
I very much agree with Scott's comments. You do need to find things in your life that bring you peace and joy. Not drinking is not usually enough to ensure long-term sobriety.
I also wonder about self-sabotage and if that's a possible reason for your relapses? Self-sabotage was, for me, a huge mountain to overcome. I was more comfortable with failure in my life, than with success. I had to make a fundamental shift in my thinking and begin to believe that I deserved a good life.
I also wonder about self-sabotage and if that's a possible reason for your relapses? Self-sabotage was, for me, a huge mountain to overcome. I was more comfortable with failure in my life, than with success. I had to make a fundamental shift in my thinking and begin to believe that I deserved a good life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by gregknight
Welcome from me as well! I have not had quite the long period of sobriety that you had, but I have definitely experienced your sober, relapse cycle. I agree with others here that Scott is spot on. This time (8 months ago), I decided I just could not keep sober without a plan and without much help. I have congestive heart failure and am on supplemental oxygen 24/7, have to sleep in a hospital bed and have become agoraphobic, partly as a defence against anxiety, so I sympathize with your physical hurdles. I do what I can to work around that. Coming to this board has been a great help. My sobriety is my #1 priority. Try to not beat yourself up and just start again with one day, then the next. Best of luck!
I have not had quite the long period of sobriety that you had, but I have definitely experienced your sober, relapse cycle. I agree with others here that Scott is spot on. This time (8 months ago), I decided I just could not keep sober without a plan and without much help. I have congestive heart failure and am on supplemental oxygen 24/7, have to sleep in a hospital bed and have become agoraphobic, partly as a defence against anxiety, so I sympathize with your physical hurdles. I do what I can to work around that. Coming to this board has been a great help. My sobriety is my #1 priority. Try to not beat yourself up and just start again with one day, then the next. Best of luck!Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I think we need to stay actively in our recovery..... Buddhism and mindfulness is a good practice for sobriety.
It may need to be supported by things like this forum (being bedbound, this is a decent option).
Does your chronic illness have any hope of permitting at least some level of outside human interaction? Can you get out into nature at all? Is there any possibility of even limited human contact in AA meetings?
In my home group, we have several permanently and severely disabled members who come from time to time. One guy comes in a motorized wheelchair and speaks through a trachea device......
Isolation is a huge, huge factor in addiction. In fact, some studies are beginning to suggest it may well be the core of addictive behavior. Even if you could get out from time to time and build some community and fellowship in some way it could be a huge help.
If that's not possible, would you be willing to try contacting your local AA and seeing if you might be able to get a sponsor? It's very likely that one or two AA folks in your area would be more than willing to come visit you at your home.... there are probably options if you are willing and able to get creative.
Recovery requires more than not drinking..... sobriety is about Being Human - and I really believe that other Human Beings are of critical importance to our success.
It may need to be supported by things like this forum (being bedbound, this is a decent option).
Does your chronic illness have any hope of permitting at least some level of outside human interaction? Can you get out into nature at all? Is there any possibility of even limited human contact in AA meetings?
In my home group, we have several permanently and severely disabled members who come from time to time. One guy comes in a motorized wheelchair and speaks through a trachea device......
Isolation is a huge, huge factor in addiction. In fact, some studies are beginning to suggest it may well be the core of addictive behavior. Even if you could get out from time to time and build some community and fellowship in some way it could be a huge help.
If that's not possible, would you be willing to try contacting your local AA and seeing if you might be able to get a sponsor? It's very likely that one or two AA folks in your area would be more than willing to come visit you at your home.... there are probably options if you are willing and able to get creative.
Recovery requires more than not drinking..... sobriety is about Being Human - and I really believe that other Human Beings are of critical importance to our success.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 42
Hi Owl,
My problem is I don't know how I'll feel from day to day. I have some days in a row when I can't even shower or bath. Getting up is just too exhausting. Then some days, I get so confused I struggle to comprehend things. I am lucky I have an amazing OH.
I was in AA for some time (way before I was ill) and it helped me understand my problem more. I do think you're right about isolation and my old AA mates do pop round sometimes, but I can't always ask them to do that, especially if I'm in bed for days and stinky.
I really think I'm looking at online help, even it's a virtual Buddhist group (I used to do one). Because I can sit in my Pajamas and just listen and talk if I can.
Thank you for your help. IT means a lot.
My problem is I don't know how I'll feel from day to day. I have some days in a row when I can't even shower or bath. Getting up is just too exhausting. Then some days, I get so confused I struggle to comprehend things. I am lucky I have an amazing OH.
I was in AA for some time (way before I was ill) and it helped me understand my problem more. I do think you're right about isolation and my old AA mates do pop round sometimes, but I can't always ask them to do that, especially if I'm in bed for days and stinky.
I really think I'm looking at online help, even it's a virtual Buddhist group (I used to do one). Because I can sit in my Pajamas and just listen and talk if I can.
Thank you for your help. IT means a lot.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome stoprelapsing 
I used to have those auto pilot moments too...the thing was once I had the thought I did nothing to fight it...
There was always moment when I 'came to' and for me that moment was when I opened the bottle.
It's not an easy choice to make, but you can choose to pour the bottle down the sink.
Everytime you do that, it'll get a little easier.
The last time I bought a bottle it didn't even get back to the house.
I dumped it before that.
That was sometime mid-2007.
I've never had autopilot moments again
D
I used to have those auto pilot moments too...the thing was once I had the thought I did nothing to fight it...
There was always moment when I 'came to' and for me that moment was when I opened the bottle.
It's not an easy choice to make, but you can choose to pour the bottle down the sink.
Everytime you do that, it'll get a little easier.
The last time I bought a bottle it didn't even get back to the house.
I dumped it before that.
That was sometime mid-2007.
I've never had autopilot moments again
D
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