jdl1166

Good morning. I hope everyone is well. Just a general question that may have been covered.
My wife faced her addiction to alcohol in November of 2016 and I believe she has been clean up until recently. How do I address it if I think she has been drinking? Ask and just take here word even though the evidence(odor and behavior) contradict her answer? We had agreed that if she relapsed we would work through it but she is very prideful and does not do well with defeat.

Any help or advice would be appreciated.

NewRomanMan

Ask. Lay out the reasons for your suspicions. Yes, she will be mad, but you have a right to know.

ScottFromWI

That's a tough one jdl. If you both agreed prior to her quitting that you would ask/help her if you felt she was drinking again, then yes...I would ask. But keep in mind that only she will be capable of making the decision to seek help and quit once again - you cannot "fix" her or make her quit through your actions. Also be aware that most alcoholics are very defensive and will deny their drinking to the n'th degree..and she may lash out at you, even though you did agree to this arrangement ahead of time.

Anna

I agree 100% with everything Scott said.

jdl1166

Scott and NewRomanMan,

Thanks for your honesty. I think I knew what the answers were going to be but I wasnt looking forward to hearing them as I know it could open pandoras box. What also concerns me is she stopped going to AA after several weeks saying that she could do it on her own and didnt like the "feel " of the group she was meeting with.

Time to take the bull by the horns I believe.

Again, thank you for your time and support!!

january161992

defeat sounds harsh

everyone has some kind of problem

in aa we approach a person with love and tolerance as our creed

AnvilheadII

what if you ASK and she denies drinking?

then what?

chances are good that if your gut tells you something is off, it's off.

i know you said that "WE would work thru a relapse" but there really isn't a whole lot of work for YOU to do, is there?? you can certainly state you case, as neutrally and factually as possible, but that's sort of where you part ends. if she IS drinking, you aren't telling her anything she doesn't already know.

BrendaChenowyth

Say something, don't say something, both carry risks.. I say not saying anything carries more risk. If you care, say so. Just my take. I wish someone would care enough to ask.

Imworthit

If she smells like it and is behaving like it then she is back to drinking. Trust me I am a drinker and those are my biggest fears of giveaways when I drink and I do not want anyone to know.

Sit down with her at an appropriate time, plan the time in advance, and tell her that you know that she has started drinking again. Do not scold her or come down on her, remember this is a sickness and she cannot help the forces of addiction that make her drink in spite of breaking her promises to you. It is a terrible place to be. Some attribute it to weakness, to others its a disease, whatever. You have to get her on your side and on your team. Get her to accept that it is damaging both of you.

I think she could use all of the support and understanding she can get from you, her closet ally. Tell her you are in this together and you will work through it and out of it together, but to do so she has to be honest with you and tell you that she is drinking again. Hiding it because she thinks she can get away with it is not going to work. It helps no one. If she wants to get over this she has to be honest with you. You know she has a problem and you will always know. She can't hide.

honeypig

Hi, jdl--looks like you're getting some advice from those who've been in your wife's shoes. How about if you come over to the "Family and Friends" section of the forum and get some help for yourself? It might seem ridiculous, but trust me, you will almost certainly benefit.

Hope to see you there. Here's a link to F&F:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

thomas11

"Take the bull by the horns".....sounds about right. You might have a real rodeo on your hands. But I think its a necessary evil.

jdl1166

So If I was your spouse and I came to you the way you described would we have a battle?

Dee74

Hi and welcome jdl

While I echo Honeypig in suggesting you also check out the Fand F forums, you'll get good advice here in Newcomers too.

There a number of 'double winners' here - people with experience on both sides of being an addict and loving one.

You're certainly very welcome here

My advice is to not approach this like a war with victories and defeats...and definitely not like a rodeo - your wife is not a bull

Express your concerns calmly and without drama.

Tell her you've noticed what seems booze smells and some off behaviour. Tell her you're really worried.

Let her know, if she is drinking, she can come to you for support and help.

Let her know you'll get through whatever together.

Like others have said there's no guarantees you'll get the response you want...but that's the way I'd do it.

Wishing you and your wife the best

D

Anna

I totally agree with Dee.

Sit down with your wife and don't see it as a confrontation. You don't need to defeat her in order for you to win. It makes me emotional just typing that. You agreed to work through it if there was a relapse, SO, talk to her, find out if you can help and how, tell her you care.

sugarbear1

Alcoholism affects all people involved. Are you attending Al Anon and working your own step program? If you are, there would be no need to ask this......if you aren't, there isn't much you can do about her relapsing, IF she is relapsing......she is relapsing. If you can talk with her without putting her on the defensive, go ahead, otherwise I'd get my own recovery program and focus on helping my Self (you).....