needhelpNW6

Dear all - this is my first time posting on this site and like all of these sorry stories it is long and convoluted...

My brother who is almost 30 has had a substance abuse problem with Ketamine and Marijuana (amongst other things I am sure) for at least 8 years. To complicate matters he is also suffering from Bi-polar disoder. He has been in prison (for a sex crime commited whilst high in another country), psychiatric facilities and various rehabs during this period.

Recently he has been living with my mother who has a co dependence problem - always wanting to shield him from the consequences of his actions and not hurt her "little boy". She has been working on this as is finally living up to her promise that he could not live with her if he was using as such on a recent relapse he agreed to go into Rehab again.

Unfortunately the only Rehab we found that would accept him whilst he continued to take his Bi-polar medicine was close to my house and an appartment that my mums family owns. I live with my husband, 8 yr old daughter, 2 yr old son and am 5 months pregnant with our third child.

He went to the rehab on an inpatient basis for a few days before managing to convince my mom and the facility that he would be better off as an out patient staying at the family apartment and attending the rehab on a daily basis.

Unfortunately a week of so into this arrangement we suspected he was using again when a cousin ran into him and said he looked high as a kite. My mom called the rehab and they said he had actually been kicked out a few days back for turning up high to rehab.

To follow through with her intentions my mom told him that he could no longer stay at the appartment if he was using and not attending the rehab. This is where unfortunately, and with hindsight rather stupidly, I got involved.

Whilst he was supposed to be going to the rehab to pick up his stuff I went to the apartment where he was staying to pack up his stuff and get the locks changed. I had just entered the flat alogn with my 2 yr old when I got a message on my phone that he was outside and wanted to know why I was in his parking space.

I panicked as he has been violent before to my mother a few years ago, locking her in a cupboard and threatening to beat her up, and bolted the door. He banged on it and I told him to leave before he started trying to kick it down.

I took my son and ran to the bathroom and locked the door there, hiding in the shower. He eventually got through the front door and started kicking in the bathroom door. This was terrifying for me and my son who didnt really understand why his uncle was doing this. I shouted for my brother to leave us alone or that I would leave if he let me out peacefully but he didnt listen. I was on the phone to me husband the whole time and by this stage he had called 911.

Eventually my brother kicked in the door and then managed to open the shower door. He then kicked me, luckily hitting me in the hip rather than my baby bump, grabbed me by the neck and arm and dragged me out of the apartment, bumping me into walls a couple of times. My son followed me out of the apartment and the police turned up and held my brother.

The police took him away to the county mental heath facilty as I told them I wasnt sure if I wanted to press charges or not... and this is the difficult decision that I would like to get input from the Sober Recovery community on...

My mom doesn't want me to press charges as she says that he is not in his right mind at the moment (due to potentially being in the midst of a bi-polar episode and definitely high on drugs) as with a criminal record it will make it harder to find a job and straighten his life out - as well as causing a potentially permanent fracture in our family.

My husband is on the other end of the scale as he will do anything to protect me and his children - he was actually upset that my brother even came to the rehab near our house saying that we were bringing the problem to our doorstep. He says that we need to press charges in order to not keep enabling my brother and shielding him from the consequences of his actions...

I am torn somewhere between these two places as I am just happy that my injuries are minor but super angry that my toddler is extremely tramatized and cant stop repeating "uncle break down the door, uncle shout, uncle angry"....

Thanks for listening anyway and it has been somewhat therapeutic just to write all this down...

MicroMacro

That is so vivid.

I am 100% in agreement with your husband.

Your brother needs help - desperately. His conditions explain his behavior - they do not excuse it. It's appropriate - in every way - to press charges. He's had numerous opportunities to address his issues. You have an opportunity to get his attention here so long as you follow through.

There are consequences for his behavior and there is no time like the present to address them.

If he weren't your brother, what would you do?
So - if it's not okay ... it's not okay.

All the best.

Incontrol15

Man... I am really sorry for your experience and this difficult situation.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do for him is to press charges. He's going to cause greater harm to himself or somebody else if he doesn't stop. Bejng bi-polar is tough enough. Being bi-polar and taking drugs is extremely volital.

Things will get worse if he doesn't stop. They won't get better, nor will status quo be maintained. It's been getting worse and will continue to get worse for him and everyone around him.

It's your responsibility to protect yourself, your family, and anyone else that's within arms reach of your brother.

Even pressing charges may not be enough. But it's an important step to take. Boundaries have to be set. Somebody has to set them and follow through with the consequences.

If you don't, who will?

It sounds like everything else has already been tried. What else is there to do?

As he gets worse, the possibility of him killing or seriously hurting himself or somebody else increases. If that happens, you will bare the weight and blame yourself for not doing everything that could have been done. That's very heavy baggage to carry.

Seren

Yes, please, press charges against your brother. Again, this won't fix him or his situation, but it may be a step toward keeping your mum, you, and your family safe...let alone your brother.

Anaya

I agree with the statement about pressing charges..not shielding from consequences.

I am so sorry for your little guy, who was traumatized. I am glad also that you are okay...not injured.

In the past, we had pressed charges against our son, when he was in the midst of ongoing drug use and outrageous and unlawful behavior (having also prior repeatedly offered him mental health counseling and D&A rehab and support otherwise). It was a choice we had to make, especially difficult for me, an enabler, that ended up moving us to a safer existence and, specifically, my son had to face consequences. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Whendovescry

I just wanted to say hello and offer some support, thank goodness you are ok physically!! Would have been very traumatic for all involved. I have a paranoid schozophrenic brother who has dabbled in drugs and it is frightening. Pressing charges is such a personal decision, will it help him I suppose is the question. Sometimes mental health patients get put into non health care prisons if charged. Sending you strength x

Edited to add, you and your child and unborn baby's safety is of course more important than anything.

Maudcat

Welcome. Yes, press charges.

Whendovescry

I just wanted to say, yes, press charges too. My post probably sounded like I wasn't thinking that. But I also know it is not always that easy. Myself personally and my family have been in the situation a few times. And unfortunately sometimes addicts have noone else but family and if you 'turn' on them who else have they got. So sorry it has got to this point for you and hoping you are feeling ok. I hope your brother gets the help he needs.

SmallButMighty

I have a brother who has a bi-polar related mental illness and also a substance abuse problem.

I have a mother who is a codependent enabler to his behavior, never fully letting him face his consequences no matter how foul his actions have been.

She doesn't understand that when she "helps" him, she is only helping him to stay sick!!!

Please don't help your brother stay sick, please don't help your mother be codependent... please don't be codependent to your mother's codependency, it isn't healthy for you and it certainly isn't safe for your young family!!!

Please press charges. Your brother is sick, he needs help. He might get that if he is incarcerated, he certainly isn't going to get it if he isn't. He's made that obvious. He doesn't deserve to be free, and people deserve to be safe from him.

Again, please, press charges.

Jaeger

Just reading your story was terrifying. I am so sorry you and your son had to experience that. I agree with others and your husband. Addicts are sheltered from feeling the consequences of their actions. There has to be a line drawn in the sand somewhere.

I understand it is hard to go against your mother but she is also sick. Believe me.....I sheltered my son too much also. When I quit, he got better.

atalose

Sadly, your mother is part of your brothers problems, she enabled bad behavior and that doesn’t mean you have to follow in her foot steps.

When we know better we do better…………listen to your husband, he is the logical one in this situation.

Unacceptable behavior is always unacceptable………family is not a license for abuse of any kind. Addicts need to be held accountable for their behaviors otherwise those behaviors will only continue.

AnvilheadII

He then kicked me, luckily hitting me in the hip rather than my baby bump, grabbed me by the neck and arm and dragged me out of the apartment, bumping me into walls a couple of times. My son followed me out of the apartment and the police turned up and held my brother.

he could have killed any of you. had his kick landed a little more to the center, you could have lost the baby. your son must have been so terrified and will likely suffer long after with nightmares or panic attacks or anxiety.

PRESS CHARGES. the man is dangerous and needs to be locked up.

totfit

Press charges. He needs to be held responsible for his actions.

NewRomanMan

Press charges. There's no excuse for his violence.

Ilovemysonjj

My dear, you MUST press charges. This behavior (if allowed to continue) will not go away! We pressed charges against our son when he broke into our home and tore up a huge safe with his hands and a hammer. The image of that safe destroyed showed me how capable of violence my son is when he is high on drugs. Specifically also if your brother is in need of meds for bi-polar, they will enforce the usage while he is incarcerated.
Thank GOD you and the baby survived, but your 2 year old may experience some fears based on this happening .

tomsteve

if your mother should have him face the consequences of his actions, shouldnt you,too?

mental illness is only an excuse to allow someone to exhibit unacceptable behavior.

needhelpNW6

Thanks so much to everyone that has taken the time to respond to this...

I was also reminded yesterday by my sister that he had also physically aggressed her a few years ago whilst high so this is actually the 3rd time now he has done this to me, my sister and mom..

Even after all of this I am still worried that I would be making my brothers future even harder than it already will be for a mentally ill addict by him getting a criminal conviction on top.....

I am finding it really hard to change my perspective from the point of that I am the one "doing this" to my brother rather than that he "did it" to himself when he decided to act this way... I suppose this feeling is because the police left it with me that it was up to me if I pressed charges......however having said this my husband has said that even if I decide not to press charges he is going to request that they are filled on behalf of our son... and I would not lie to cover for my brother so I imagine both charges would be filed in the end anyway...

Ann

If anyone else did this to you, you wouldn't hesitate to press charges and to make sure he never came near you again.

If you don't press charges there may be a "next time" and next time he may kill someone.

Please please, press charges.

atalose

Maybe try to imagine how different your brother’s life could have been had your mother pressed charges, and he received the help he needed in jail and could possibly on the path to recovery today. Your sister and you may have never been assaulted, his life may have never spiraled this far down, who knows the possibilities.

What we do know are the facts on what has happened without any charges having been filed.

AnvilheadII

he's already been to prison for sex crimes. i'm gonna go out on a limb here ask you WHAT FUTURE? you think he's just going to snap out of it, become a stable balanced individual who respects women, holds down a job and volunteers at the local animal shelter?

he attacked the three prominent WOMEN in his life. he endangered your children. he is out of control. if he isn't stopped, someone else down the line is going to get seriously injured or killed.