Yellowbird88

Hi everyone, I'm new to SR and have been in al anon for 4 months. I'm wondering whether anyone has dealt with something similar...

Here's my problem, I was detached from my family for the last few years before al anon and before knowing what detachment was, but 6 months ago I moved back to my home state and am geographically close to both of my separated qualifier parents, which means I see them about once or twice a month at family gatherings.

My AM has always been the victim woe is me type and the whole family seems to go along with everything she says, I'm still not sure whether they are in denial or accept that she lies and manipulates a lot to escape accountability for her addictions.

In any event, as I'm learning not to control or "out" the addict, every time I see my mother she tries to force me to congratulate her on her Xth day sober. I know she is not in recovery and while I do not preoccupy myself with trying to find out whether or not she is still actively using, I also know that she is still using. The whole thing is an intolerable farse and I find it highly coincidental that her recovery began as soon as I found some relief for the first time in my life through al anon despite the fact that she's been an addict for decades-- if anyone reading this has dealt with something similar or knows a good thing to think of or read to help I would appreciate it so much. I feel like it's enough to have had to endure both my parents sicknesses for my whole life and the thought of congratulating myAM on pretending to be in recovery makes my heart sink.

Yellowbird88

I received some really great feedback on this post in the family of substance abusers forum that might be useful if anyone is having the same issue. I'm also wondering if there is any additional ACOA specific input too -- thanks!

PhoenixJ

YB- thanks for your post. I have feelings of bad times past. Is the relationship with your mum one that is too toxic for you? Make sure you look after yourself.

Yellowbird88

Thanks PhoenixJ -- yes it is, She's in a tough spot for sure.

tromboneliness

Did you tell her you went to Al-Anon? I think it's better not to say much about it -- there's no need to let people know you're "in recovery," you can just... recover! It's the same with going no-contact -- don't tell relatives, "I am now going No Contact with you -- henceforth, I will not answer the phone when you call, and will scrawl RETURN TO SENDER on your fake-happy holiday cards, etc. You are now out of my life!" I'm not really no-contact with my extended family, but I am pretty low-contact. But I've never said anything to them about it -- I just don't call, and when they call or write me (which is rare), I'm in no hurry to get back to them, if I do at all.

AM is probably trying to pre-empt any progress on your part -- "oh, that's so nice that you're going to Al-Anon -- and did you know I've been on the same path? XYZ days sober; it's such a blessing!" That's probably partly out of fear -- that you'll escape from her manipulative orbit -- and partly out of the need to control you.

My sister tried to get my Dad to stop drinking. It didn't work -- it might even have helped kill him; he had some kind of incident (might have been a stroke) that doctors speculated might have been from withdrawal, when he tried to give up drinking for a couple of weeks. This is a 90-year-old -- his daughter thinks she's going to get him to give up booze? For my part, I never really said anything to him about it, one way or another -- and I certainly never told him anything about my own Al-Anon/ACA recovery.

I used to go to an ACA meeting where one of the attendees used to bring her father, who said he was "here to support" his daughter. I always found that creepy and weird, and frankly, thought we should have kicked him out of the meeting... but meetings tend not to do that, so we didn't....

T