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Short Term Thinking Problem

Old 03-06-2017, 12:48 PM
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Short Term Thinking Problem

I've seen a few posts that made me think about this short term thinking problem we seem to have as addicts. I think it comes from always thinking about the next fix, so thinking in the short term, all the time. We turn it on it's head with "one day at a time" - saying "I won't drink today/this afternoon/tonight".

Anyway, we end up worrying about an upcoming birthday party/wedding/vacation/social gathering that is "coming up soon". I have five days/one month/6 weeks sober, this is great, but I'm worried because of this event coming up, everyone will be drinking/historically I always drink at these drinking functions/my best friend from college is coming. We talk about these elaborate plans to navigate it: I will tell the bartender to make fake drinks for me/I will drink soda water and tell all of my drunk friends that I'm on medication/I will go to the bathroom every half hour and check in on SR.

All of which can work.

But the real change in not drinking is having a life that revolves around things that don't have drinking as an activity. A cocktail party is a cocktail party. Drinking buddies are drinking buddies, whether we knew them in college or not. The change that needs to accompany the elimination of alcohol is eliminating aspects of a life that revolves around alcohol.

I feel like not saying NO to these events is short term thinking. To me, one day at a time has evolved from "one day of saying no to alcohol right this second", to "one day of saying no to alcohol right this second and of saying no to a life that includes alcohol-centric events, right this second".

Case in point: My girlfriend drinks. She is a "normie" and thus a mythical creature I don't understand. We go to the supermarket once a week. She goes to the beer aisle and stands there for awhile thinking about which flavor craft beer she wants to buy one bottle of to go with whatever meal or activity she is thinking about having a beer with. She drinks one beer, several times a week, and often doesn't finish it. When she goes to that aisle, I head for the next aisle over, with the list and the cart. It's a small thing. But I have no business in that aisle and I don't frankly like it. Can I "power through it"? Sure! Is it going to make me suddenly say f- it, I'm buying a six pack? No! It's just something I do automatically.

I also just don't go out with people for cocktail hours, "beers after work" drunken gatherings, etc. I say no to these things, and in my head, I am saying YES to a nice bath, a book I'm reading, coffee with a different friend, a hike with my dog, a sober gathering, a nice dinner with people who aren't drinking as a sport, etc.

It's just simpler. But it's also saying YES to sobriety, in the long term. I don't want this to be short term sobriety. I want long term sobriety, one day at a time. So I keep things uncomplicated in the long term by not allowing short term problems to exist.

I actually worried in the beginning about going to the bar across from the office and drinking water. I really worried about it. I thought, "aw, shoot, I have to drink water there, and explain every time I go that nah, I'm not drinking today". I worried about the drinking after work meetings, told myself to check SR on my phone in the bathroom. Then I realized: I can just not go. ???!!?!?!

Yup, we can NOT GO. And guess what? It's actually NOT complicated.

It's been almost seven months and I've stopped getting the invites a long time ago. No one, especially me, cares. I'm not an outcast. I'm not dysfunctional. I'm in recovery, and I don't even talk about it most of the time to anyone but other recovery people.

There's a lot of stuff to think about, to fix, in my life that is directly related to years of drinking. I can't imagine trying to make things better for myself if I'm enmeshed in the drama of navigating drinking situations multiple times a week, or even once. I can't imagine wanting to take time out of my sober life to spend even one day, let alone a weekend, or a week, on a vacation with a group of drunk friends or relatives. Could I survive it? Probably...? But it would not be good for my sobriety, and my sobriety comes first, in the long term, by making decisions in the short term.

I hope my thoughts today help people. Incidentally it's people on this forum that helped me to learn to think this way. Doggone Carl, Dee72, Anna, and a few others who I try to pay attention to. There's a lot of wisdom here, and no one can make us do anything we don't want to do, but for me, learning this, and getting it under my skin, into my head, changing how I think over time, was really key. Thanks, guys!

In Gratitude,

B
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Old 03-06-2017, 12:58 PM
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the hard part is after awhile you miss the family or group of silly people .... you have a lot of good points.. prayers and hopes for a better tomorrow..
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Old 03-06-2017, 01:00 PM
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Very true. I've always heard hang out in a barbershop long enough and eventually you'll get a haircut.

I'm early in recovery and I think being around a bunch of drinking would be miserable. Sometimes you can't avoid it, that's when a plan comes in handy.
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Old 03-06-2017, 01:04 PM
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It's posts like this that have helped changed my whole way of thinking and what I love about SR! Thank you.
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Old 03-06-2017, 01:10 PM
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Great post - thanks for sharing. It will be very useful for me.

Originally Posted by bexxed View Post
I've seen a few posts that made me think about this short term thinking problem we seem to have as addicts. I think it comes from always thinking about the next fix, so thinking in the short term, all the time. We turn it on it's head with "one day at a time" - saying "I won't drink today/this afternoon/tonight".

Anyway, we end up worrying about an upcoming birthday party/wedding/vacation/social gathering that is "coming up soon". I have five days/one month/6 weeks sober, this is great, but I'm worried because of this event coming up, everyone will be drinking/historically I always drink at these drinking functions/my best friend from college is coming. We talk about these elaborate plans to navigate it: I will tell the bartender to make fake drinks for me/I will drink soda water and tell all of my drunk friends that I'm on medication/I will go to the bathroom every half hour and check in on SR.

All of which can work.

But the real change in not drinking is having a life that revolves around things that don't have drinking as an activity. A cocktail party is a cocktail party. Drinking buddies are drinking buddies, whether we knew them in college or not. The change that needs to accompany the elimination of alcohol is eliminating aspects of a life that revolves around alcohol.

I feel like not saying NO to these events is short term thinking. To me, one day at a time has evolved from "one day of saying no to alcohol right this second", to "one day of saying no to alcohol right this second and of saying no to a life that includes alcohol-centric events, right this second".

Case in point: My girlfriend drinks. She is a "normie" and thus a mythical creature I don't understand. We go to the supermarket once a week. She goes to the beer aisle and stands there for awhile thinking about which flavor craft beer she wants to buy one bottle of to go with whatever meal or activity she is thinking about having a beer with. She drinks one beer, several times a week, and often doesn't finish it. When she goes to that aisle, I head for the next aisle over, with the list and the cart. It's a small thing. But I have no business in that aisle and I don't frankly like it. Can I "power through it"? Sure! Is it going to make me suddenly say f- it, I'm buying a six pack? No! It's just something I do automatically.

I also just don't go out with people for cocktail hours, "beers after work" drunken gatherings, etc. I say no to these things, and in my head, I am saying YES to a nice bath, a book I'm reading, coffee with a different friend, a hike with my dog, a sober gathering, a nice dinner with people who aren't drinking as a sport, etc.

It's just simpler. But it's also saying YES to sobriety, in the long term. I don't want this to be short term sobriety. I want long term sobriety, one day at a time. So I keep things uncomplicated in the long term by not allowing short term problems to exist.

I actually worried in the beginning about going to the bar across from the office and drinking water. I really worried about it. I thought, "aw, shoot, I have to drink water there, and explain every time I go that nah, I'm not drinking today". I worried about the drinking after work meetings, told myself to check SR on my phone in the bathroom. Then I realized: I can just not go. ???!!?!?!

Yup, we can NOT GO. And guess what? It's actually NOT complicated.

It's been almost seven months and I've stopped getting the invites a long time ago. No one, especially me, cares. I'm not an outcast. I'm not dysfunctional. I'm in recovery, and I don't even talk about it most of the time to anyone but other recovery people.

There's a lot of stuff to think about, to fix, in my life that is directly related to years of drinking. I can't imagine trying to make things better for myself if I'm enmeshed in the drama of navigating drinking situations multiple times a week, or even once. I can't imagine wanting to take time out of my sober life to spend even one day, let alone a weekend, or a week, on a vacation with a group of drunk friends or relatives. Could I survive it? Probably...? But it would not be good for my sobriety, and my sobriety comes first, in the long term, by making decisions in the short term.

I hope my thoughts today help people. Incidentally it's people on this forum that helped me to learn to think this way. Doggone Carl, Dee72, Anna, and a few others who I try to pay attention to. There's a lot of wisdom here, and no one can make us do anything we don't want to do, but for me, learning this, and getting it under my skin, into my head, changing how I think over time, was really key. Thanks, guys!

In Gratitude,

B
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Old 03-06-2017, 01:25 PM
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I really love this and you kind of read my mind today. This is something I'm certainly struggling with. A few things though - what if your husband, your best friends, your parents, etc...drink. They're all amazing people and I love spending time with them, and it would be merely impossible for someone not to be drinking at any one event /party. My husband is a daily drinker. I don't expect him to change, but I also can't avoid it. i guess what I'm saying is it's hard to find that balance between avoiding people/situations who drink when you're surrounded by it. Suggestions welcome Thanks for taking the time to write this though. I've really spent so much time being grateful for 2 weeks sober, while bitter and anxious at the same time. Please tell me this too shall pass!
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Old 03-06-2017, 02:11 PM
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Thanks for this- got me thinking. I am not convinced that avoiding situations where there is alcohol is the way for me to go though.

I did not drink for over a week now.

I used drink in the evenings at home with my husband, watching tv. He still drinks every night.

The last time I had a decent stretch of sobriety, I didn't sit in my own living room or watch tv for three months. It became this big thing that I was frightened of. It was miserable and unsustainable.

This time, I have done things a bit differently. On Saturday, we chose a family film and watched it while eating pizza. My son and I had rose lemonade which is a treat and my husband drank alcohol.

Think I am saying, its not just as easy for everyone to avoid alcohol situations, and like Dls2041, I am open to ideas for those people, who live in a house with drink.
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Old 03-06-2017, 02:26 PM
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Personally, I think we have to put GAINING initial solid sobriety above all else until we are strong enough and have thought through viable sober options for staying sober in trying social/family settings. So, maybe don't think you'll become a monk and leave society behind forever...but do you want health and safety (sobriety) enough to curtail impossible situations for a time?

Edit: caution, above may sound "preachy". Believe me that I am thinking this through for my very own self, too!
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Old 03-06-2017, 02:48 PM
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You are spot on, about thinking through viable sober options, bixbees to build a solid foundation. I need to do much more of this to sustain my sobriety. And whilst initial sobriety is, of course, not comfortable, my failure to find a way of being comfortable in my own home during my last sobriety stretch, contributed a lot to the thoughts of 'why am I doing this to myself' and longing for it all to come to an end.

So, I get why bexxed's plan to avoid social situations will work for him. For me, it is easier to avoid drinking if I go to a party or a work night out, than if I stay at home. I take the car, drive and don't drink. It's the avoiding drinking when I get back home which is more challenging.
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Old 03-06-2017, 04:56 PM
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I hear that, too, Carlygirl. Home alone is my most dangerous place. My partner has no problem with alcohol, but I DO, so starting a month ago, we locked it all up, literally in a metal locker to which I have no key. I relapsed on 2/24 because in cleaning out the garage (?!??) about a week earlier, lo and behold, I found two bottles of vodka and chose not to ask my pard to lock them in with the rest. Sicko that I am.
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Old 03-06-2017, 09:41 PM
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Well, live and let live, I'm just expressing observations from folks who have a lot of wisdom around here, and how the help I got here finally ended up helping me.

My girlfriend drinks, too. In fact, she's sitting on the couch with a beer right now. The one beer she will drink tonight. And not get drunk drinking.

Some people have sober houses. I don't. But I don't have a drunk house. And don't participate in "drinking as sport" events - going to a bar, a wedding reception with crazy amounts of alcohol, etc. I don't sit at home hiding either, and that's sort of my point. When you say no to alcohol, you say yes to so many other things. Sometimes those things are staying home. Often they are sober activities.

I'm a vegetarian. I don't go to pig roasts. No offense, and I'm not one of those vegetarians who lectures people, never have been, before anyone thinks otherwise but a pig roast is not something vegetarians seek out because... ya know? Similarly, I have taken a stand for my sobriety, following the lead of those who are successful here, in creating a life that doesn't include activities that are built around booze.

Oh, and just FYI. I'm a woman.
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Old 03-07-2017, 12:06 AM
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Thanks bexxed. Think I was feeling antagonised last night and it has come across in my post- apologies. Apologies too for my assumption that you were a man. I will try to slow down and be more attuned.

I like your comment that saying no to alcohol, means saying yes to something else. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experience with us
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Old 03-07-2017, 03:41 AM
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Old 03-07-2017, 05:22 AM
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Fuel to the non drinking fire....

My normi wife had a fancy martini about a week ago.

It was a sugar infused highly alcoholic 18$ poison bomb.

I am positive it sapped her immune system. She got sick about 2 days later and it wiped her out.

I've been sick for more than 24 hours 1 time in nearly 2 years since I quit boozing.

This alone is reason for me to never get physically addicted again.

Thanks.
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Old 03-07-2017, 05:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Dls2041 View Post
I really love this and you kind of read my mind today. This is something I'm certainly struggling with. A few things though - what if your husband, your best friends, your parents, etc...drink. They're all amazing people and I love spending time with them, and it would be merely impossible for someone not to be drinking at any one event /party. My husband is a daily drinker. I don't expect him to change, but I also can't avoid it. i guess what I'm saying is it's hard to find that balance between avoiding people/situations who drink when you're surrounded by it. Suggestions welcome Thanks for taking the time to write this though. I've really spent so much time being grateful for 2 weeks sober, while bitter and anxious at the same time. Please tell me this too shall pass!
It's not impossible to be the only one not drinking at a gathering. It's just harder to do early on when you're convinced alcohol is the only thing anyone thinks about because it's certainly top of mind for you.

The fact is, no one really cares except you. The only people who would ever make an issue about it are those who are concerned they might have a tiny little problem of their own.

Bexxed is right...if the primary reason any group is getting together is to ingest alcohol, then maybe it's not the warm, congenial affair we're thinking it is. It's not about the people...it's about the booze.

I've attended several family events since sober, most of them high-stress as we have negotiated moving my parents into assisted living. I was repeatedly offered alcohol, but 30 seconds later, it was totally forgotten about. I didn't get on any soapboxes or announce my sobriety, I just turned it down. It's a lot like turning down milk, as I have been lactose intolerant for 40 years and my mother never remembers that, either.

So it IS possible.

It's just the addiction telling you it isn't.
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Old 03-07-2017, 02:29 PM
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Originally Posted by D122y View Post
Fuel to the non drinking fire....

My normi wife had a fancy martini about a week ago.

It was a sugar infused highly alcoholic 18$ poison bomb.

.
a sugar infused highly alcoholic $18 poison bomb!!!!

I LOVE THE WAY YOU USE WORDS!

LOL.

-B
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