No Response

Old 03-06-2017, 04:11 AM
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No Response

When I told AH a few short months ago that the kids and I were making plans to leave because we couldn't live with his drinking, he said nothing in response. Absolutely nothing. 9 years together - 7.5 years married. He hasn't verbally reacted to the decision at all. We're out a week from today.

I feel hurt by it. Like I'm not worth fighting for. And as though our kids aren't worth any effort for him. Or he maybe never cared at all. Or he just gave up on us because alcohol means more to him as he progresses. Or maybe he knows he's hurting people, including himself, so he's resigned to isolating himself with the bottle. So many possibilities. I've asked him a couple of times if he'll be happy when we're gone, and his answer was, "No. This isn't what I want". But that was the extent of it.

The truth is that even if he had opposed my decision to leave, I know it's the right one for all of us at this point. A part of me, though, is really hurting that he didn't say anything. The fact that his drinking increased after I told him the news, speaks volumes, in a non-verbal way, about how he feels. Which is also painful to watch. I suppose he has always lacked good communication skills. But I guess I feel as though the kids and I were worth at least a word or two in opposition of my decision. I just can't imagine, if it were me, not responding, or not even trying to get help for the drinking issue long before my family was pushed to the point of leaving me. Instead he shut down altogether and simply appeared to accept the situation. When we need to talk about all the separation details, his demeanour is like it's a business transaction, while my heart keeps breaking into more pieces.

Even though the kids and I are looking forward to a new chapter, I am struggling with AH's lack of verbal response. And I've been saddened for years by his choice to continue drinking and being verbally abusive when I was telling him all along how it was affecting our family. I'm glad he's not fighting me on it, but "ouch".

Over the weekend, he unexpectedly began behaving like the guy I married. Smiling, joking with us, trying to take part in our activities, being helpful and kind. I haven't seen that side of him in ages. But I also realized at the end of yesterday that after he had bought beer in the afternoon, he started drinking it on his way home in his pickup. He hasn't done that before, that I'm aware of. That's terrifying!

Maybe this lack of a verbal response is common. Maybe not. Why do I even care? Because it hurts and a part of me is trying to understand and accept it. Input?
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Old 03-06-2017, 04:32 AM
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I know it hurts

Musiclady, I know his lack of response hurts. It is like a physical blow. While we are trying to fight for the life we deserve and the person we love, they seem to just detach. I am experiencing the same thing. I was told "I love you, but I am not going to change. If you can't live with that, I don't blame you and I won't contest a divorce" What we want to hear is " No, don't do this, I will get help, do better, anything not to lose you and my family" unfortunately they are so wrapped up in their needs and wants they can't see, or don't want to, what they are loosing, what their indifference does to us. I am slowly and painfully learning this is part of their disease, this is them. You can only keep telling yourself you deserve better, and do what is right for you and your children. It is hard, it hurts like hell, but you do deserve better. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Sending you hugs and strength.
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Old 03-06-2017, 04:36 AM
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He may not be capable of verbalising, or possibly, not being willing to give up drinking, he feels there's nothing to say.
My son tells me that when he's in a highly emotional state he knows if he opens his mouth he'll start crying. He also clams up verbally yet can write fluently when he needs to.
It doesn't sound like your AH has reached that point where he's willing to contemplate leaving the drinking behind. Is there any more he can say without sounding like a hypocrite?
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Old 03-06-2017, 04:58 AM
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It might be pride. It might be that he's unable to verbalize much...my XAH was that way, "Strong silent type" is a real thing...it's just impossible to communicate with.

It might also be power. My ex was not going to give an inch because our relationship was based on him being the one in charge and me going along with it or else. Although he sent me a drunk letter or two.

In the end, we were far, far better off apart. He is now remarried...to a marriage counselor. Talk about taking your work home with you...

Sending you a hug.
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Old 03-06-2017, 04:58 AM
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I tend to agree with FG. What would be the point of his saying anything, if he knows deep down that he's not ready to quit, and that living with him is bad for you and the kids? He may care very much, but also realize it's for the best.

Alcoholism is very, very powerful. It's not as simple as "you or the bottle"--if you understood how utterly TRAPPED most alcoholics feel, you'd know that it's not a simple question of whether he loves/cares about you. Maybe someday he will have that moment of clarity and do what he needs to do. Nobody really knows when/if that will happen, or why.

As much as you think you wish he would "fight for" your marriage and family, if he's not THERE yet, it would only prolong the misery as he makes promises and token gestures, only to repeatedly fail. That does a lot more damage to everyone, in the long run, than allowing you to leave without a fight.
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Old 03-06-2017, 05:00 AM
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Sometimes I think that, for the alcohol-dependent person, it's almost a relief that the relationship is done. One more thing that they don't have to try to manage.
I have watched my alcohol-dependent sib just push things away for years. It's about lowering expectations bit by bit until no one expects anything of them anymore. But..that behavior diminishes them as well. The things that I do as part of every day living: trip to the store, writing a check to pay a bill, shoveling the sidewalk after a light snow, just boggle my sib. It's all part of this monstrous disease.
I am so sorry that your husband doesn't value you or the children you have had together. I know you wish he would realize how very much he is losing. He can't, not just now. Maybe someday.
Please take care of yourself and your children. Peace.
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Old 03-06-2017, 05:21 AM
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Thanks for asking this question, musiclady, and thanks to all those who answered, particularly FG and Lexie. When I told XAH that after thinking about it for a long time, I did want to go ahead and file for divorce, his response was "Well, you gotta do what you gotta do."

Like you, musiclady, I was hurt and dumbfounded. After 20+ years together, this was all the response he had? But the posts from members here ring so true, and I think maybe I begin to understand.
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Old 03-06-2017, 05:25 AM
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When I told my exah I was done he didn't say anything either. He'd been done with me years before in reality. I just didn't realise it at the time. He went quiet but he spent the remaining time with me plotting how to carry on drinking with the most money he could get from the marriage by alienating my children and refusing to take a 50/50 split on the marital home and assets I bought long before he came on the scene, knowing full well I had no money to fight him in court. He got everything as I was the only sane one and at the time he persuaded my boys to live with him and I wanted them to have a secure home. That lasted 8 months before I had to take them back as he was too drunk to care for them.

He was cold, oh so cold. Nasty, detached and cutting. He ripped me to pieces emotionally. Made me feel worthless and rubbish. We were married 20 years and it meant NOTHING to him and he now has everything, has his brother living with him who is also an alcoholic, and they are drinking my hard earned cash away in a house that was solely mine at one time.

I tell you this to give you hope. You will probably end up in a better position than me financially and 3 years on I am happy again. My boys and I live in a small apartment we rent from a truly wonderful landlord. I got my cats back and I have a life. My boys smile. They are content. I travel. I have friends. I did voluntary work. I have a boyfriend who is part of my life, not the be all and end all of it.

I realised active alcoholics do not see things the way sober people do and it is pointless trying to understand their logic. Your stbexah doesn't compute what he is losing. He is in the grip of his addiction and that is all that matters to him. I know it hurts. You will come out the other side of this tho. You will see the sunshine in the clouds and life will be far better. ((huge hugs)))
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Old 03-06-2017, 06:09 AM
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Of all the miseries surrounding addiction, I sometimes think the hardest one for loved ones to accept is that it isn't personal. We want the addict to choose us over their drug of choice, and we want to believe it is that simple. But in the end we are just collateral damage in the war between the addict and their addiction.
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Old 03-06-2017, 06:34 AM
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Sparklekitty speaks the truth.
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Old 03-06-2017, 07:09 AM
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I think it’s very hurtful when they act as if we didn’t matter or that the marriage/relationship didn’t matter. I think the most important thing we need to keep reminding ourselves is that WE DO MATTER and we take actions like leaving a bad situation/marriage etc because we know we matter.

Don’t be surprised if after you take action and actually leave that he has a light bulb moment and reacts to it all. It may not be that day or a month after you’ve been gone but a reaction will happen good or bad it’s almost predictable.
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Old 03-06-2017, 07:11 AM
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musiclady.....an alcoholic can no more imagine living without alcohol than a gold fish can imagine living without water. It is a major coping mechanism for dealing with their emotions...bad ones and good ones. Plus, once the brain becomes addicted...there is the powerful compulsion to drink. It is there, 24/7. After a certain point, alcoholics drink to just feel normal.

You will never know how it feels, unless you were an alcoholic, yourself. the idea of getting into sober recovery is very frightening to an alcoholic who isn't ready....

You cannot know, for certain, what is in his mind....just like he doesn't know exaxtly what you are thinking and feeling.....
He doesn't drink to harm you.....he drinks because he is an alcoholic....

If you really want to know more about how the alcoholic mind works...I highly suggest that you read the articles written by Floyd P Garrett, M.D.
I especially suggest....."The alcoholic's Dilemma"...."Addiction, Lies and Relationships"....."Excuses Alcoholics Make".....
Papers on Addiction and Recovery

You said, yourself that he has trouble communicating. He is probably so confused within himself. There is a war going on in his head, probably. He drinks to cope with his feelings....because that is how alcoholics have learned to cope with feelings. It isn't about you.....
You may be asking him to be or react in a way that he is just not capable of.....One can't give what they don't have.....

Learn everything you can about alcoholism....because it will let you know what you are up against...
Read in the stickies...at the top of the main page...read some every day. Begin with the one called "Classic Reading"
Knowledge is p ower.
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Old 03-06-2017, 07:23 AM
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It for sure can be a blow, but to an active alcoholic, their one and only true love is the booze, nothing else in life even comes close. Not spouses, not kids, nothing.
Though try not to let it get to you, you did the right thing moving on.
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Old 03-06-2017, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
Sometimes I think that, for the alcohol-dependent person, it's almost a relief that the relationship is done.
This. Yes.

Same for me. I KNOW that my husband loves me, loves our son, loves the idea of a functioning and loving family in a home that is a peaceful refuge from the world but...When I spoke to my AH the afternoon the divorce papers were served he sounded...better. He sounded like my best friend again. He told me one of his greatest fears since his mom died was that I would leave him, and now it was happening and he realized that sun would still come up the next day, and he sounded RELIEVED.
If our spouses could process and communicate the way that we would expect a mature adult to, they probably wouldn't have the problem that they have. Great guidance above. Peace to you ML. It huuuuurts, but it WILL get better. The further you're away from it, the clearer and truer things will become.
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Old 03-06-2017, 08:34 AM
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Hi Dandylion. Thanks for your response. I agree completely with what you've said. I've been reading about alcoholism for what seems like forever. Actually, I've read everything you recommended at least several times each. I have literally spent hours reading about it, and trying to understand my husband's situation. And I can honestly say that I get it. At first I read to see if there was something I could do to help him. To save our marriage and family. And then the knowledge led me to the realization that nothing I can say or do will make a difference. It's all on him. Which is when I knew that I needed to leave. And it breaks my heart. So I do have a thorough understanding and appreciation of his situation. I'm just fighting with my own emotions, which are really at an all-time frenzy right now. My head knows not to take any of this personally, but my heart is having some issues. It will be better once we go to live with my parents next week. I know that. But I'm struggling A LOT right now. It's overwhelming and painful. I'm in Al-Anon, and attending regular counseling with a women's shelter counselor and an addictions counselor. Some days, like today, I wake up pretty much in tears. And so I posted about how I was feeling this morning. Feeling better now, especially after reading all of the comments to my post. And I have counseling after lunch. My emotions are running the gamut right now and I'm feeling a lot of guilt about leaving someone I love. And feeling terrified that he's going to die soon (at only 47). I know I can't change that. It will happen whether we're here or not. But I don't want him to lose his life. He's like a little, lost and hurt boy inside a man's body. Self-medicating the emotional pain away. And it is heartbreaking to know that my only choice now is to walk away and save my kids and I. So...yeah...I guess I'm just saying that I get it. And I know I shouldn't take it personally or be hurt by it. But my heart isn't quite there yet. Thanks for your words of wisdom.
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Old 03-06-2017, 08:39 AM
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I remember when still drinking and faced with any sort of loss, like a relationship, all I could think about was how much it hurt ME and how much I needed that pain to stop. My solution was to desperately go to that "not feel anything" place by drinking even more. To just shut down and not think about it and completely numb myself as much as possible.

Although when I did lose my job back then, I was more relieved than anything, because that was one thing that interfered with my drinking the most.

Because alcohol was the only solution I knew at the time, the thought of giving it up would have been the same as the thought of stopping breathing. Incomprehensible.

When I did finally stop drinking the first time, I was also resigned to my life being over. (I did find out how untrue that was eventually.)

Years later when I got involved with a drinking alcoholic while I was sober, I had the same feelings of seeing him like a lost little boy trapped in his addiction and I had a hard time letting go and "getting it" that there was nothing I could do to get him sober.
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Old 03-06-2017, 08:45 AM
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musiclady....you are doing all the right things, it seems....and, that is really good, because, it will pay off, for you, in the long run.
But, do not forget that you are in mourning...and it is a very emotional time....exquisetly painful...and, it will last for weeks to months, in fits and spurts....as it gradually lessens and you are healing....
I call this the short-term pain for the long term gain.....
There is just no way around it...but, it won't always feel like this....
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Old 03-06-2017, 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Westexy View Post
This. Yes.

Same for me. I KNOW that my husband loves me, loves our son, loves the idea of a functioning and loving family in a home that is a peaceful refuge from the world but...When I spoke to my AH the afternoon the divorce papers were served he sounded...better. He sounded like my best friend again. He told me one of his greatest fears since his mom died was that I would leave him, and now it was happening and he realized that sun would still come up the next day, and he sounded RELIEVED.
If our spouses could process and communicate the way that we would expect a mature adult to, they probably wouldn't have the problem that they have. Great guidance above. Peace to you ML. It huuuuurts, but it WILL get better. The further you're away from it, the clearer and truer things will become.
In many cases that is true. I was in a relationship with a great person for a few years, and during so is when my drinking started to get out of control. I started hiding bottles, pretending I wasn't drinking as much as I was. She would start smelling my breath to make sure I wasn't day drinking, etc,..
Once the relationship was over I was in a way relieved that now I could drink as much as I wanted without the hiding, lectures, and arguments over it.
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Old 03-06-2017, 10:25 AM
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Musiclady-I know this hurts and I so sorry...

His lack of response, however, is like an affirmation that you need to go ahead and leave. It won't get better at this point, just worse. So leave while you have any semblance of sanity and self worth left. I know it's hard and it's hurts either way; if you stay or if you go. It's going to hurt. But you can get through it and slowly start to heal and become truly whole and be much much happier in the long run. Being with an active addict is like being half alive. His disease really sucks it out of you. Sure you can function...but you can't fully embrace life like you'd want to and know you're capable off. It's like a weight around your neck. And, you've already been so hurt. It's time to start healing. We're with you.
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Old 03-06-2017, 10:32 AM
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There have been lots of great responses, I just want to send you a huge hug!
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