qwerty1029

Hi all, I'm brand new to this forum and this is my first post. Here's my story: My wife and I have been together 11 years, married almost 7. She is a high functioning alcoholic, although it took some time for us to admit to it. She has always been able to drink and still do well at her high level job at a very large bank. I've supported her to my best ability through a few failed attempts at sobriety. This past Nov she checked into a facility for 5 weeks and while it was very rough for us both she seemed to be sticking with it. In January she started to slip. Started to drink again, though not heavily. Then at the beginning of Feb, we had a bit of a non-fight. This is typical for us, there has never been any violence between us or infidelity or anything, but we have a terrible time communicating and expressing emotions. Anyway she left the house for a week and when she returned, she had recommitted to sobriety, and told me she wanted a divorce.
I'm devastated and want nothing more than to work on our life together. I've asked her to go to counseling or something but she is unmoving. Won't even consider it.
She resents me and blames me at least in part for her drinking. I am nowhere near perfect, but I have tried to do everything I can over the years to help.
I know that in the end I can't do anything to keep her from leaving. But I am dying inside.
Any help or insight is appreciated.

Thanks!

honeypig

Hi, qwerty--sorry for the situation you find yourself in. It's tough when you've stuck w/someone thru hard times and then when it seems they are finally ready to get healthy, they want nothing more to do w/you.

So your AW checked into a facility in November for 5 weeks, struggled afterwards and then drank again in January? Even assuming she checked in at the very beginning of November and didn't drink until the last day of January, she wouldn't have had more than 3 months total of sobriety at the absolute max. That's not nearly enough time for an A's brain to start working normally. While 3 months would be a good start, it is exactly that--a START. There is no way she's in anything like a healthy spot right now.

Is she doing anything for support, like AA, or is she just "white knuckling"? Her chances of success if she's going it alone are pretty dismal...

And as much as you know you are powerless to prevent her from leaving, you are also powerless to prevent her from drinking--AND you are equally powerless to have caused her drinking, so don't let that weight fall on your shoulders. That is ALL on HER.

Please take as much time as you possibly can to read around the Family and Friends section of this forum. It's where you'll likely find stories that resonate the most w/you as well as finding information that you can use right now. Make sure to read through the stickies at the top of the page--they are a great source of information and inspiration. And I'm also going to suggest Alanon as a face-to-face resource; for me, Alanon plus SR has been a powerful combo for change.

Here are a couple of selections from the stickies to get you started:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html

There is a lot of experience and wisdom shared here by a diverse group of members, and I hope you can take advantage of that.

Looking forward to hearing more from you, qwerty.

SparkleKitty

Your wife may be sober, but I would not call this recovery. It sounds like she is flailing, and believes that making this drastic change to her relationship would be better than making real and lasting changes to herself.

I am so sorry you are hurting, I know this extremely painful. You are right that you can't do anything to prevent her leaving, but you can try to shift your focus from whatever she is doing to taking care of yourself. This is a good place for you to be. Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting?

qwerty1029

Thanks. She has a sponsor and goes to meetings (AA) as well as a weekly aftercare meeting at the facility she was in. She's moved out so I don't really know everything only what she tells me.
I've never been to Al-Anon. I brought it up with her and she brushed it off saying 'it's not like we are together".
I'm in a lot of pain. It hasn't been easy, but I love and miss her very much.
It worries me that she's making this decision so early into things. She wants to rush things along. Buy me out of our house.
I was laid off from my job while she was in rehab. My last day was the same week she told me she wanted the divorce.
I'm 49. I'm scared.

honeypig

Not sure why she gets to decide if you go to Alanon or not? First of all, it's TOTALLY your call, as Alanon is all about you, NOT her. Second, whether you are currently together or not, you have been through what you've been through w/her for 11 years and it's not like all the feelings, the pain and the love and the craziness, all end instantly just b/c she's moved out. How is it that YOU don't deserve help and support as you try to figure out where to go from here?

Things are all happening at once, and I understand why you'd be scared; anyone would, in that spot. But as I say, do some reading around the forum and you'll see many others who are in some hard, hard places but are managing to find a way forward. That might seem impossible to you right now, but start where you are w/what you have and do what you can.

Keep on posting and reading.

LexieCat

It isn't her call whether YOU get help for the pain you are in. Al-Anon would, I think, be very helpful for you.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it sounds to me like for her, divorce is the equivalent of the "geographic cure"--change my surroundings and I won't have to drink anymore. If she weren't married, and was concerned about her drinking, she might change jobs or move. It's very typical.

I'd suggest not doing anything to "hang on" to the marriage. Who wants to stay with someone against their will?

The other possibility is that this has little to do with her drinking--marriages end for other reasons, too. And usually one partner comes to this conclusion before the other--it's rarely a mutual decision (at least in the beginning). I left my first husband after he had been sober for more than 15 years. The reason I left had nothing to do with his alcoholism nor with his being a good husband--he was a GREAT husband. I just didn't feel that the marriage was where I wanted to be. We are good friends to this day, and he has a wife who adores him--which is what he deserves.

So we can endlessly speculate why your wife wants to leave right now, but the fact is that she does. I think you need to work on accepting that, grieving the loss, and healing so you can go on with your life.

dandylion

qwerty.....I can imagine that you are in a great deal of pain right now. Of course.
It might be one of the most emotionally things you have ever faced....
I strongly that you get some help and support...like, right now. asap...
Find a support group for those who are going through divorce....(it sounds like you live in a large city, so there are lots of them around...just google it)...
ANd, get yourself a counselor or therapist...you are going to be mourning, for a while...and you need someone that you can talk to about the marriage that can guide you through this....
go to the stickies...at the top of the main page...and, read some of the "Classic Reading", every day. You can use all the knowledge that you can get on alcoholism and co-dependency. there is lot to learn.
There are some really good presentations on You-tube, regarding grieving a broken heart....you may find them validating for what you are feeling.

I have empathy for what you are feeling. I can tell you that it won't always feel like this, forever.....but I am sure that it is hard for you to believe that m right now.....the things that I have suggested will get you from day to day....

I hope that you hang around and keep posting...there are others who have gone through this who will come along and respond to your posts....

HURTINGDINA

Hi qwerty
I'm in the same situation. Husband left me 6 mos after getting sober. Got a gf too.

I know how your feeling and it sucks. It's been 5 weeks since he left. I started counseling--mainly to unbrainwash (yes I know its not a real word, but it fits). Alcoholics are master manipulators, even those on the road to sobriety.
I wish you the best of luck, and am sending prayers your way.
You got a tough road ahead, but I have found this site to be life-saving.

MicroMacro

She's pissed. She's giving up her drug of choice, and someone is going to pay for it.

You.

She's got crazy brain right now. There's not a whole lot to be worked on with her because she resides in the center of the madness inside her head.

Give her space. Don't afford her pity, but recognize that she's sick. One week sober isn't sobriety. Not even close.

Twoyearssober

I second and third the Alanon vote.

You will find lots of support and understanding there and will be able to learn a lot about alcoholism and a lot about yourself.

And it's free.

Try your hardest to think about taking care of yourself.

Get info from this site.

Our prayers are with you.

Twoyears

qwerty1029

Thank you all for the input. I found a local meeting but it's not til Wednesday. I will definitely go and give it a try. In the meantime I'm reading up here as well as other sites. It helps to know I'm not alone, and to read your kind words.

FeelingGreat

Qwerty, she may blame you for her drinking, but no-one forced it down her neck. If she was experiencing negative emotions, there are other ways to cope. Anyone can choose.

I know you are feeling devastated now, and desperately unhappy and my heart goes out to you. I can say from experience that working on yourself does lead to a gradual recovery from those emotions; it's just that we want it to happen NOW.

Al-anon is a great idea, also maybe your own therapist to share your feelings with. It can take a lot of pressure off you to verbalise what you're feeling to someone who won't judge you and has no agenda. Much better that bottling it up with endless rehash of conversations going through your head.

There is a possibility she may have met someone at rehab. It often happens in the charged atmosphere. I mention it, not to cause you pain, but to prepare you if this turns out to be the case.

All you can do it work consistently on yourself. Try not to isolate yourself, get counselling, maybe join in social events. You will come through this.

Berrybean

A week in and she'll have washing machine head. Her sponsor will let things settle for a while and advise her to not make any rash decisions or major changes. If she's waiting for a divorce you can bet that this is NOT on AAs advice.

I know this might be scary, but I would suggest not engaging in any conversations about long term plans right now. Just say ' let's see how you feel after you've worked on your recovery awhile'. One of the major things about recovery for me was that it helped me to accept and understand my own part in my demise. To stop blaming everyone else. To start caring about others, and stop being so self obsessed. This stuff doesn't happen overnight though. Alanon can help you understand some of these processes and what you can possibly expect from your wife as she chooses (or possibly chooses not to) work on her recovery. You know, many people go along to AA for all the wrong reasons. Things I've heard are...
I thought I'd get sympathy
I thought I might get a drink
I thought it would get people off my case
I thought it might reduce my sentence

Many of us Alcoholics (me included at first) aren't so keen on the honesty and forthright talk that we find in the rooms. I went in wailing about my long term partner (amongst other things) as well. Everything was his fault. No wonder I drank. The old timers just told me to stay sober for today and keep my eye on my own side of the street. That no one gets well by taking other people's inventories. Ohhhh, they made me mad. Luckily I was desperate enough to hang around there anyway. Long enough to start understanding how right they were. Now, 3 years sober, I count myself lucky that my partner stuck with me as long as he did. But if I'd not stuck with recovery, I'm not sure there would have been the same outcome.

I thought that if I could stop drinking I'd be fine. But I found, like most alcoholics, that when I stopped drinking it just exposed to me just how messed up I really was. I was finally faced with all those emotions I'd been stuffing away all those years, and I didn't know what to do with them. I was a jangling, raw, angry, muddled mess. And I suspect that might be where your wife is at right now. As angry as she seems, it's probably that all that anger is just the flip side of fear. Alcoholics tend to do that emotional transfer. We get scared, and because that feels like we're vulnerable we flip it straight ovr into rage. I didn't even realise I was doing it, it had become a flawed survival technique over decades (since childhood). Step 4 and 5 of my recovery work (which for me happened at about a year sober - we're not talking quick fixes here) helped me understand my character defects and why I'd acted in the past as I had (not just when drunk - in general) and now I can finally recognise fear as it comes up and deal with it in a rational, sane way (most of the time lol).

I hope that meeting comes round real quick for you. In the meantime maybe explore their literature online, or listen to some of the al-anon speaker recordings on youtube, or just get out and about and keep yourself busy and out of the line of fire while she's stuck in the mire. There really isn't anything you can say at the moment that isn't likely to add fuel to her fire.

Wishing you well, and praying for you and your wife at this challenging time,
BB

maia1234

Yes, yes, yes!!! Above!! Agree with everything berrybean said, from the mind of a recovering alcoholic!!!!!

This nothing personal about you, it's all her. She failed again. She heard what they said in those 5 weeks, but today she wants to drink. Her answer to "failing you" is to divorce you. Then no guilt and she can drink herself to death, if that is what she chooses. It's just crazy, and us codies can not understand it, so stop trying, just accept it.

Hit some alanon meetings, open aa meetings keep reading and posting here. You will learn so much about taking care of yourself, minding your side of the street and moving forward. Once she sees you not begging her to stay and you making smart choices, hopefully she will realize that she needs to start working a program again. But who knows, her recovery is just that, her recovery.

The hardest thing for a codie is to give it to God and step back. We need to stay out of the way and let things fall the way they are suppose too. You will be ok, my friend. I hope it will be with your wife of 11 years, but if not you will be ok.

schnappi99

Concur with looking for Alanon (and AA) speaker recordings, there are many online (youtube etc), also podcasts Recovery Radio Network, The Recovery Show (many others also) you can listen to them free on computers, mobile devices etc. I use them as an adjunct to my regular Alanon program. Listening to an AA 12 step seminar gave me the impetus to take the steps in Alanon.

Jaeger

Al-Anon will be a huge help for you! They ask for you to give it 6 meetings before you decide if it's for you or not. I know how scared I was walking into my first meeting. It seemed so strange to me but when it was over, I walked out after hearing just enough to know that I wanted to go back. Also, ask someone there if they know of other meetings in the area. In my area there are meetings that are not published online. Not because they are private, the information is just out-dated.

Please keep reading and coming back! It will get better.

BerryBean- thank you for your reply. There's a whole lot of knowledge there! It is what makes SR such a great place.

qwerty1029

every day just seems to be worse than the one before.

Berrybean

If he were a best-friends partner, what advice would you give him?

dandylion

qwerty.....this is par for the course....you are in mourning.....don't let it throw you....
It will help to throw yourself into the suggestions that you have been given....It will take weeks to months for you to level out.....
Go ahead and feel your feelings....they won't destroy you...even though it might feel that way to you, right now.....
You will get through this....
and, keep posting....
and, keep learning....
As soon as you get face to face with other understanding humans....you will feel some relief...
Your goal, right now, is to get through one 24hr. day, at a time.....

hopeful4

It may help you to seek a counselor who specializes in helping families who deal with addiction. Not for her, or with her. For you. I did that, and it helped me immensely.

I am sorry for why you are here, but glad you are here.